Serenidad

Hi guys,

Not doing well at all. Made it a week & then felt I "deserved" to drink last Friday night after a week sober and exercising daily. I really felt GOOD!

Well ever since Friday, I have been in bad shape. I drank Friday night with my husband & Sunday night with my husband. (He knows I have a problem but still drinks with me) I feel so depressed and hopeless! I mean depression and hopelessness that I have never known! :-(

For God's sake! I had 5 & 1/2 years of sobriety. I thought I would try some "controlled drinking" last October and obviously it's not going well. It took a few months for it to progress again but my disease is BACK FULL FORCE & ready to KILL ME and/or take everything I love & have!

I get up every single morning with great intentions to do the "right" thing and kick this disease's ass but........It kicks mine!

Let me say I am a VERY strong person too! BUT alcoholism is one thing that is more powerful than me!

It plays with my mind, it tells me I "deserve" it, it lies to me, it makes me sneak around, it makes me spend money I don't have, it makes me depressed, it makes me anxious, it makes me CRAVE it like a starving child, it makes me miserable!!!

Please offer advice. I know many of you already have & thank you! Please don't worry if you are HARSH if you want! I need HARSH sometimes! Love is good too because I hate myself! I really don't want to have my "wake-up call" to be in a jail cell like it was in 2008 after a DUI. I'm sure that jail guards are much more harsh.

Thx....please....if you have some sobriety and you are thinking about drinking....DONT!!! It's hell! :-(

-S

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Dee74

Did you end up checking AA out again Serenidad?

D

Hawkeye13

I think the secret to finally quitting for good for me was realizing I could not ever make exceptions to the "No alcohol for any reason" rule I made myself.

Not for reward, not for terrible thing happening, not to be polite, not to celebrate,
not to sleep and most especially not to try moderation because I had been successful for awhile.

Once I realized no deal was possible, I began to accept that sobriety was my life choice
and I got more and more peaceful and now I don't regret it at all. . .

The addictive voice inside all of us always wants to find an exception, a weak spot,
or some way to compromise.

That is where you find something else to do, take a walk, post on SR, call someone in AA or whatever, but never let the option to drink get on the table

You can do it.
Don't beat yourself up but make it a powerful commitment you are doing for you.

PurpleKnight

You are now a "non drinker"!!

Deserving a drink, having a drink, having a period of abstinence and feeling "cured", I really needed to accept this was no longer a part of my life!!

Nuudawn

(((Serindad))))...I feel no need to be harsh with you. I'm sure you are flogging yourself fine and dandy. I too am curious about whether or not you checked out AA. You are not your addiction my friend but it almost sounds like that ole AV is convincing you of that. Somehow..by whatever means possible..you need to separate your addiction and all it's powerful trickery from that fine and wonderful you.

You found success with AA before...so I am curious as to why you are reluctant to go that route again.

least

I'd check out some meetings. You need the support and maybe just being there will help you stay sober.

Soberpotamus

My only suggestion or advice is... Do you really want sobriety? If you do, you must lay down the drink and never, ever give yourself the excuse to pick it up again... no matter what. You must be willing to face things as they come with no giving in anymore.

That's it.

I know, easier said than done

But it is that simple. I hope you do it You can do it.

Have you thought about a program?

anattaboy

My love for alcohol was tumultuous. GnR comes to mind " I used to love her, but I had to kill her" (before she killed me). I know too well that grip but it is squeezing the life out of you.

Elodie

Please don't hate yourself. Love yourself. ALWAYS. When you love yourself, it will help you treat yourself with care and respect, and that probably includes not drinking.

johnnybsober

Since it is obvious that you are not in control of your drinking. Think of this. Your next drink could kill you or someone else.
You have a DUI and you said that drinking was killing you.
So if you drink again you may drive and you my kill someone.
If you drink again you may not ever be able to stop again killing yourself.

Harsh enough?

Serenidad

Yes Dee and they DIDNT welcome me! They said "I told you so!"
Just like I said they would!!! :-(

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Serenidad

Well apparently "acceptance" isn't one of my better qualities. :-(

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Nuudawn

Seriously? Not cool. I doubt everyone in your local program is that much of a ...hmmm...doodyhead.

There has to be some new folks to find resonance with. Avoid whoever said that to you permanently. Not the kind of sobriety I would want that he/she has.

Dee74

Maybe another meeting group would be better - a fresh start?

or maybe another method might suit you better at this point of your life?

here's some links to some of the main players, including but not limited to AA:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.

The main thing tho - whatever you decide to do Serenidad - is do something.

This is your life you're fighting for here and ultimately it doesn't matter who was rude to you or how low your relapse is making you feel...

you *have* to shake it off and fight for yourself..

Is inpatient or outpatient rehab a possibility at all?

D

Serenidad

(((In tears))) Nuudawn. I have never felt like I matter anyway. My mother told me I was a piece of **** from the age of 3-18. I guess I still believe it!. AA did NOT welcome me back. F them!!!!!!!

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Serenidad

Least...I DID check out meetings but apparently I'm a big fat loser now that I relapsed! :-(

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Serenidad

How'd u get out of its grip?

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Dee74

Your addiction loves to make you feel low and feeling sorry for yourself serenidad - it brings you that much closer to drinking again.

I'm not saying you haven't been treated badly in your life or that you haven't got the right to feel sad or sorry...but it's just not going to get you sober.

Dry your tears, pull yourself together - take a few deep breaths - and start thinking of a plan to get sober and stay that way.

you can do this

D

Serenidad

Thx Elodie, I've hated myself since my earliest memory as a child. My mom taught me now to do that. :-(

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Serenidad

Not really that harsh compared to what I have already survived in life but thx Johnny.

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