PLEASE - I need help
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: South Africa
Posts: 14
PLEASE - I need help
It's been a while since I started my first thread but I did not feel worthy since then to write on this forum or give advice as I myself needed more advice than I could give. I have fallen off the wagon on two occasions since then, but did not see this as a failure but rather as a learning curve. I am currently on day 19 again and am feeling good and quite proud of myself.
I know, and have always known what my triggers were for wanting to drink and I always knew to try and stay away or avoid these situations but, in my case, it is not that easy. My ONLY trigger is and always has been my husband with his bad temper and horrible moodswings. One minute he can be the sweetest most loving guy in the world, just to explode the very next minute over nitty gritty stuff. I am a person who does not like confrontation, so I always try and keep the peace and try and do things his way in order not to upset him, and that is just the way I was brought up. Sometimes I try to keep quiet and just walk away from his outbursts but it is not always easy to be the one that has to keep quiet all the time, so sometimes I do fight back when I have had enough of his abuse. Then he will always tell me to just shut up, because he does not want to hear what I have to say, I always have to keep quiet, can never express my feelings to him. I always have to walk on eggshells around the house and just have to hope that things go his way that day, as the smallest obstacle would errupt in an explosion with a magnitude that no one can bear.
Last night was one of those nights where he got so angry because our power kept tripping and, who did he have to take it out on, ME. He started shouting and screaming at me as if it was all my fault that the power was tripping. When I got upset with him about this, he said to me that he thinks that he preferred me more when I was drinking, although he was very supportive in the beginning of my sobriety. And I know what the reason is for this. When I was drinking, I would agree with everything he said, I would always try and make him happy in every way I could, I would never argue I would basically be his servant, just because I felt lower than low, hated myself, felt guilty, had no self-respect or self-confidence, but now that I am trying to stay sober, my old self is returning and I don't feel that I always have to please everybody anymore, I have more self-confidence and I can say when I disagree with something and I feel good and proud that I can stand up for myself. He was very supportive in the beginning, but now that my old self is coming back, he does not like it. Then again, on the other hand, I don't think that whatever I do will ever be good enough for him, he will always find a reason to fight or looking for someone to take his frustrations out upon, so no matter if I am sober or drunk, things will never change, I will always be his punching bag.
My problem now is, I am 50 years of age, he has his own company and I work FOR him. It is only the two of us in the company, so EVERYTHING that goes wrong, doesn't matter WHAT, is always my fault and I get shouted and screamed at. I have to run the whole household as well because "he is to busy" for other stuff. I always have to hear how hard he is working to provide for us, but he never sees all the things that I do for the company and the household. I have applied for several jobs the last couple of years, but to no avail. I can't just up and leave, although I would just love that, because I will not be able to support myself.
I just don't know what to do, I feel so lonely - don't really have friends as it is always just me an my husband day in and day out, week-end in and out. We don't even get invited to BBQ's or parties anymore, by family or friends, as my husband always turns down the invitations as he "has work to do", but then sit in front of the TV the whole week-end. I truly feel like drinking tonight to just get rid of all the frustrations inside of me, but I know that it will just make things worse because tomorrow I will be back to this pathetic person I was when I finished 2 bottles of wine every second night and I don't want to be there - NEVER EVER again - PLEASE HELP!!!
Sorry for all the blabbery and thank you for reading my post. Any help or advice will be greatly appreciated.
PS: I read all the posts everyday and it has helped me a great deal so far, thanks a ton to all of you.
I know, and have always known what my triggers were for wanting to drink and I always knew to try and stay away or avoid these situations but, in my case, it is not that easy. My ONLY trigger is and always has been my husband with his bad temper and horrible moodswings. One minute he can be the sweetest most loving guy in the world, just to explode the very next minute over nitty gritty stuff. I am a person who does not like confrontation, so I always try and keep the peace and try and do things his way in order not to upset him, and that is just the way I was brought up. Sometimes I try to keep quiet and just walk away from his outbursts but it is not always easy to be the one that has to keep quiet all the time, so sometimes I do fight back when I have had enough of his abuse. Then he will always tell me to just shut up, because he does not want to hear what I have to say, I always have to keep quiet, can never express my feelings to him. I always have to walk on eggshells around the house and just have to hope that things go his way that day, as the smallest obstacle would errupt in an explosion with a magnitude that no one can bear.
Last night was one of those nights where he got so angry because our power kept tripping and, who did he have to take it out on, ME. He started shouting and screaming at me as if it was all my fault that the power was tripping. When I got upset with him about this, he said to me that he thinks that he preferred me more when I was drinking, although he was very supportive in the beginning of my sobriety. And I know what the reason is for this. When I was drinking, I would agree with everything he said, I would always try and make him happy in every way I could, I would never argue I would basically be his servant, just because I felt lower than low, hated myself, felt guilty, had no self-respect or self-confidence, but now that I am trying to stay sober, my old self is returning and I don't feel that I always have to please everybody anymore, I have more self-confidence and I can say when I disagree with something and I feel good and proud that I can stand up for myself. He was very supportive in the beginning, but now that my old self is coming back, he does not like it. Then again, on the other hand, I don't think that whatever I do will ever be good enough for him, he will always find a reason to fight or looking for someone to take his frustrations out upon, so no matter if I am sober or drunk, things will never change, I will always be his punching bag.
My problem now is, I am 50 years of age, he has his own company and I work FOR him. It is only the two of us in the company, so EVERYTHING that goes wrong, doesn't matter WHAT, is always my fault and I get shouted and screamed at. I have to run the whole household as well because "he is to busy" for other stuff. I always have to hear how hard he is working to provide for us, but he never sees all the things that I do for the company and the household. I have applied for several jobs the last couple of years, but to no avail. I can't just up and leave, although I would just love that, because I will not be able to support myself.
I just don't know what to do, I feel so lonely - don't really have friends as it is always just me an my husband day in and day out, week-end in and out. We don't even get invited to BBQ's or parties anymore, by family or friends, as my husband always turns down the invitations as he "has work to do", but then sit in front of the TV the whole week-end. I truly feel like drinking tonight to just get rid of all the frustrations inside of me, but I know that it will just make things worse because tomorrow I will be back to this pathetic person I was when I finished 2 bottles of wine every second night and I don't want to be there - NEVER EVER again - PLEASE HELP!!!
Sorry for all the blabbery and thank you for reading my post. Any help or advice will be greatly appreciated.
PS: I read all the posts everyday and it has helped me a great deal so far, thanks a ton to all of you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: South Africa
Posts: 14
Oh, and this morning when he woke up he carried on where he left off last night. I asked him nicely to please give it a rest and leave me in peace, but he just went on and on and on.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 294
Hello I'm only 3 days in. Don't ever feel you are not worthy. I write on lots of threads in the hope that one little comment might be of some help to someone. I recognise that I can barely help myself but trying to be there for others seems to help me immensely. 19 days is an amazing achievement by my standard. Please don't throw it all away you will hate yourself for it! You seem to know what you need to do. I'm sure if you keep looking a job will come up eventually. You don't deserve to be abused by anyone. You have stopped abusing yourself so why an earth would you let anyone else continue to abuse you. It's a big deal walking away from a long tern relationship but if what you have written is true, I think you will eventually find happiness in doing so. Remember, you are worth it! We all are! x
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 294
Also, you say you don't really have any friends. Maybe you could try and contact some old ones and make an effort to meet up with them by yourself. Sometimes we just need to reach out to people. There are too many lonely people walking around in this world. I have realised that drinking made me push people away. It's something I need to address also.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: South Africa
Posts: 14
Firstly, congratulations on day 3 Funtimefranky 
You keep on with your hard work, you will be greatly rewarded in the end and so will all of us.
Thank you so much for your post, it has really made me feel a great deal better (after first crying my eyes out - but maybe that is just what I needed). I also realise that if you could make me feel better, I can also try and make someone else feel better about themselves, no matter how big or small a contribution.
Have a fantastic sober day!!!!!!
Thanks a ton.
You keep on with your hard work, you will be greatly rewarded in the end and so will all of us.Thank you so much for your post, it has really made me feel a great deal better (after first crying my eyes out - but maybe that is just what I needed). I also realise that if you could make me feel better, I can also try and make someone else feel better about themselves, no matter how big or small a contribution.
Have a fantastic sober day!!!!!!
Thanks a ton.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 294
Oh I'm so pleased you a feeling more positive. I now feel more positive reading your post. I guess that is how this place works. I only joined here yesterday but already, I have received lots of help and good advice. To be honest I don't think I would have made it this far without the help of the good people here. Keep up the good work and keep your dreams in sight. too!
too!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: auckland
Posts: 313
Hi deja vu
I really feel for you, your home life must feel suffocating? You are definitely worthy to post and talk to all of us.
I hope u don't take offence, but to me that seems like an abusive relationship. You definitely need time and space from drinking so that you can give yourself a chance to like yourself again and build some close friendships. You definitely need it in situations like that. Could you do some night classes or something to meet people? All the best
x
I really feel for you, your home life must feel suffocating? You are definitely worthy to post and talk to all of us.
I hope u don't take offence, but to me that seems like an abusive relationship. You definitely need time and space from drinking so that you can give yourself a chance to like yourself again and build some close friendships. You definitely need it in situations like that. Could you do some night classes or something to meet people? All the best
x
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: South Africa
Posts: 14
Thank you so much animalnurse9 for your reply.
Of course I don't feel offended by your comment, sometimes you need to hear it from somebody else because you yourself is so used to be treated like that that you start thinking that this is maybe the norm. To make matters worse, whilst I was still drinking (20 odd years), I felt that I deserved to be treated like this.
I was thinking of taking up Aerobics or something like that (I do need the exercise in any event), so maybe this could be a good starting point.
Thank you again, you are great and good luck to you too, together we all can beat this monster.
Of course I don't feel offended by your comment, sometimes you need to hear it from somebody else because you yourself is so used to be treated like that that you start thinking that this is maybe the norm. To make matters worse, whilst I was still drinking (20 odd years), I felt that I deserved to be treated like this.
I was thinking of taking up Aerobics or something like that (I do need the exercise in any event), so maybe this could be a good starting point.
Thank you again, you are great and good luck to you too, together we all can beat this monster.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: South Shore, MA
Posts: 348
Hi Déjà! I wish I could fly to wherever you are and give you a hug. In my opinion, take a little time for YOU! Find an exercise class at night, there is a lot of socialization there as you all suffer together! Do some things to realize your identity isn't wrapped up in his moods. You are a separate person and not just an extension of him. Don't give him
Permission to treat you this way, quietly or otherwise. I think it's time to sit his ass down and tell him
In a calm but firm manner what you expect and don't expect from him anymore. If he holds money and work over your head just calmly explain that you are a
Smart and capable woman and you are more than willing to explore your rights with an attorney. I bet as a company of two, and a spouse you have waaayyyyy more rights that you expect. Take control of your life girl! Be fifty and fabulous! You DESErVE it!
Permission to treat you this way, quietly or otherwise. I think it's time to sit his ass down and tell him
In a calm but firm manner what you expect and don't expect from him anymore. If he holds money and work over your head just calmly explain that you are a
Smart and capable woman and you are more than willing to explore your rights with an attorney. I bet as a company of two, and a spouse you have waaayyyyy more rights that you expect. Take control of your life girl! Be fifty and fabulous! You DESErVE it!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Augusta, GA
Posts: 888
One thing I've learned through my recovery is that I cannot change a single other person. I can't control their actions or change their behavior. It's hard when you're married, but you HAVE to focus on you and your recovery! I would put my foot down and be firm, maybe go to AA or self help meetings and meet some folk who can be supportive. If it ever get's physical then you need to leave. Focus on your recovery and you will find the peace you need.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I've been with controlling angry men. It is the worst.
I think a lot of people suffer in silence whether from fear or lack of resources or isolation in relationships. Many people are in difficult relationships behind closed doors. I don't know how much luck you will have trying to change the dynamic, but it is worth it. It's great that you are talking about it here, that is going to help a lot.
I read some post here the other day where a woman's therapist had told her, "Tired of the footprints on your back? Stand up." That's really where you find yourself, and the process to change it is not going to be easy. The only way is to change yourself and start putting down boundaries.
I think I agree that maybe some lawyers and/or counselors would be a good step. You could at least find out where you stand legally, and let him know you know. Does he mind if you go places alone? I'm betting he doesn't like it. Is he also a drinker?
We're glad you're here, and that you've decided to stop drinking. It is going to help you become clear about yourself and your situation. Things that bothered me no longer do, or I've become able to frame them in a different way.
I think a lot of people suffer in silence whether from fear or lack of resources or isolation in relationships. Many people are in difficult relationships behind closed doors. I don't know how much luck you will have trying to change the dynamic, but it is worth it. It's great that you are talking about it here, that is going to help a lot.
I read some post here the other day where a woman's therapist had told her, "Tired of the footprints on your back? Stand up." That's really where you find yourself, and the process to change it is not going to be easy. The only way is to change yourself and start putting down boundaries.
I think I agree that maybe some lawyers and/or counselors would be a good step. You could at least find out where you stand legally, and let him know you know. Does he mind if you go places alone? I'm betting he doesn't like it. Is he also a drinker?
We're glad you're here, and that you've decided to stop drinking. It is going to help you become clear about yourself and your situation. Things that bothered me no longer do, or I've become able to frame them in a different way.
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It sounds to me like a completely abusive relationship. You are not 'lower than low'. You are a good person and you deserve to be treated with respect. Have you considered counselling for the two of you, or would he consider that?
If that's not an option, I would consider leaving. There are women's shelters in most cities when you could find refuge and you'd have assistance getting on your feet. It's more difficult when you'd have to be leaving your job too, but you deserve peace in your life.
If that's not an option, I would consider leaving. There are women's shelters in most cities when you could find refuge and you'd have assistance getting on your feet. It's more difficult when you'd have to be leaving your job too, but you deserve peace in your life.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 383
One of the hardest things about new sobriety is facing our problems full on. It totally makes sense you would consider drinking to escape, but you do seem to see it for what it is, and you know that your husband will be right there where you left him when you get done withdrawing again. I would take the incredible accomplishment of 19 days sober and reinforce it - go to an AA meeting, get involved with an drug and alcohol counselor, etc. You can work through this difficult relationship but WORK is the operational word. You are done running - that gets old. At some point you have to dig in and stand up for you. By staying sober and working a program of recovery, you will discover a self-worth that you didn't know was there, and that will help you deal with your husband. Expect him to have a problem with it because the status quo seems to be him walking on you, but you can't control how he reacts. His anger is his own, and while it's terrible you have to bear the brunt of it, you need to know you don't cause it. You are just witness to it. All you can control is your next move - you have the power to decide to keep moving towards sobriety today, or to retreat to the way it's always been, which it sounds like you're well tired of! Reach out and get some help on this one - for you.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 5,554
Dejavu, I feel so sad reading how terrible your husband is to you. It is good to post and share that and reach out for support, rather than to lurk. You desrve so much better and I think your plan and some of the advice here is spot on. You need ot connect in your community, with friends, and even support like a therapist or agency where you can get advice at how to build a path to freedom. Sobriety will only help you with that.
I too wish I could give you a hug. Is your husband ever physically violent with you? If you stand up to him, is there that danger? Are there services for you if you feel in danger? He sounds scary to me.
I too wish I could give you a hug. Is your husband ever physically violent with you? If you stand up to him, is there that danger? Are there services for you if you feel in danger? He sounds scary to me.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: North East, US
Posts: 2,310
Your post hit a nerve in me I can feel every ounce of your pain. I have written almost the same post many times. I shut my mouth and swallowed my objections for fear of confrontation for many many many years. I've been sober 16 months, I know in my heart that I got sober to learn how to love myself and stop allowing my inner negative talk dictate how those around me treat me.
I promise you if you can continue to stay sober that little dim light inside you will grow and grow and grow. It won't be long before you're figuratively on fire. Once you truly accept and own your self love you will never allow that behavior from anyone, let alone your husband.
Do not back down, I can't say it's easy regaining an equal footing, but you have to remain true to you ALWAYS.
It's not ok to be the whipping post for someone who has no where else to put their pain.
My advise is to put his problems on your back burner, worry about taking care of you and your sobriety and mental well being. It's emotional abuse you know and those are very real scars. My heart goes out to you!!!
I mean this from the bottom of my heart if you ever need someone to talk to please message me, I understand and have lived/live in your shoes. Time to make your future, with you as the leading lady! Don't fear theses changes get excited!!
I promise you if you can continue to stay sober that little dim light inside you will grow and grow and grow. It won't be long before you're figuratively on fire. Once you truly accept and own your self love you will never allow that behavior from anyone, let alone your husband.
Do not back down, I can't say it's easy regaining an equal footing, but you have to remain true to you ALWAYS.
It's not ok to be the whipping post for someone who has no where else to put their pain.
My advise is to put his problems on your back burner, worry about taking care of you and your sobriety and mental well being. It's emotional abuse you know and those are very real scars. My heart goes out to you!!!
I mean this from the bottom of my heart if you ever need someone to talk to please message me, I understand and have lived/live in your shoes. Time to make your future, with you as the leading lady! Don't fear theses changes get excited!!
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