emmsie

Hello friends,

I hope you are all well.

Following a post I made about a week ago about me leaving my alcoholic ex-partner, I made a subsequent decision tonight to unfriend him on social media. I know this sounds a bit pathetic. A few hours later and I have kind of been hit by the finality of this. It feels strange and sore that the contact has ceased and think this is going to take some time to get used to. I felt I had no option but to do this as his name, photo and what was going on for him were being presented to me on an almost daily basis. I felt that in order for either of us to reach some kind of closure, that this was the only way forward. But it hurts. I noticed that he was reaching a high in his mood over the last few days and, knowing his pattern of behaviour, realised that this would soon likely be followed by a low and him picking up again. I couldn't bear to watch any more and being an alcoholic myself (thankfully 2+ years in recovery), I knew that I had to try and cut ties for good. Only fair to him too and to hopefully allow him to focus solely on his recovery. I am still feeling the worry and anger that I have been feeling over the last while as well a whole host of other stuff. I'm sure that this 'emotional rollercoaster' is understandable and part of the process of detachment.

Sorry to go on about this. I guess I just needed to get it out but also wondered if anyone was going through something similar?

Many thanks,


Emma

Rosalba

When I split up with my XAH, blocking him on social media (not just unfriending him!) was one of the first things I did. Not concerning myself with his life, his work or anything else to do with him was a crucial part of my recovery.

I would unblock him from time to time if there was a chance that we might inadvertently end up at the same social event (I'd just check where he was likely to be, and avoid the area), but that was it.

I needed to let go of him so I could concentrate on myself ("Let it begin with me") and it never struck me as pathetic for a split second.

emmsie

Thanks a lot for this, Rosalba - I really appreciate it and think I needed to hear it. I meant 'pathetic' in the sense that it had taken me over a week to do something as simple as cut ties on a facebook page. Part of me didn't want to let go completely but I knew that I had to at some point. I know I need to put myself first and your post has really helped. :-)

lillamy

Emma, I think that's a brilliant step. Tell you what I did, though -- as a warning:

I deleted him on social media. I blocked him so that he couldn't see my activities. And then (here comes the idiocy) I created a second account. Since his account was public, I could monitor him that way.

My excuse was that we shared custody of children and I needed to know whether it was safe for the kids to go over to his house or not, based on his moods (that swung sort of like you're describing). In reality, though, I wanted to see him suffer. Yes. That's how nice I was. I wanted to see him in pain. Instead, I saw a whimpering victim, and scores of women circling around him telling him he was the bee's knees and the evil witch with a b who left him was clearly off his rocker.

You sound smarter than that. Not being surprised by his picture/doings popping up is a good thing. Going looking for them is NOT. As I learned the hard way. It wasn't until I stopped doing that that I could really let go.

I understand that it feels empty. But it's wise. It's a way to take care of yourself. (((hugs)))

emmsie

P.S. - I'm sorry to hear you had to go through that with your ex and think you're a brave woman. I hope the future is happier for you.

Rosalba

When there are children involved, the whole situation's different I guess.

I just found life so much easier when he wasn't part of it. If people tried to talk to me about him, I'd gently tell them that I really didn't want to know what he was doing, or with whom. I really didn't! It felt like rubbing salt into a wound that I was working hard to heal.

emmsie

Thanks so much for your responses, ladies. Very fortunately, there are no kids involved. That puts a completely different perspective on the situation and must have been awful to have dealt with. I am so lucky that it was just him and I. He wasn't a bad or violent man - just very sick and very mixed up. His head would switch from one extreme to another in a very short space of time. Still finding it tough to not think about or worry about him and I do miss him but know it'll get easier in time. In some respects, I feel like the weight of the last two years has been lifted; in others, I feel like I'm grieving. Now I'm the one who's mixed up. Thanks again. Your stories have been inspirational to me.

lillamy

Grieving is normal, and expected, I think. You didn't get together with him because he was a jerk. I assume there were good times. I assume he had good qualities. I assume you had hopes and dreams for the relationship. You do need to give yourself time and permission to grieve all of that.

Pickles104

Emmsie... You've inspired me to do the same thing. I've put off deleting my AXBF from social media but since there has been NC in 7 weeks, I guess now is the perfect time. While I still have moments of sadness, overall things are so much better since the ending of our "friendship" (although that is almost laughable to call it a "friendship"). Grief is natural part of healing but you are doing so remarkable. Continued peace to you.

hopeful4

I found alot of freedom in blocking my X. Seeing his posts would create an anxiety i dont need. Good for you!!!

Rosalba

I agree totally. In fact at one stage I'd get a jolt to the stomach from just seeing his name online, or from seeing someone in the street who looks like him. (Unfortunately there are rather a lot of fat, balding, middle-aged men with beards and glasses in this town, so I felt permanently hypervigilant for a while!)

emmsie

Thanks again, everyone for your comments. I have now blocked my ex too. I did explain to him beforehand that it was nothing personal - it was a measure that I felt I definitely had to take in order to move on. I totally get what various people are saying about his name coming up and experiencing anxiety. Rosalba, your 'jolt to the stomach' part summarised it perfectly for me. Those feelings have subsided for me in the last few days so I know that I have 100% done the right thing. I think we've all been through quite enough with our AXs to put ourselves through any more stress. Pickles104, good on you for doing what you've just done too. There will be moments of sadness but hopefully those will lessen in time. Peace to you also. :-) Wishing everyone continued health and happiness. :-)