HHTexas

For those that currently have kids with an alcoholic/addict or those that are ACOA, give me the nitty gritty. Still haven't found the courage to leave, and he just started drinking, again, to go with his online philandering. So freakin unacceptable. But then we have great times like this weekend. Ugh. How did I end up in this mess?? I think about the future too much, like how would another man love my child as much as his dad? But I don't want alcoholism modeled for him either.

And where the heck do I go?? I've done the hotel thing. My parents are 3 hours away. And I have a dog that I don't trust Mr Wonderful to take care of.

lillamy

There was a thread fairly recently that asked almost exactly the same question -- let me see if I can find it and bump it for you!

Found it! So here's the post I was talking about:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-do-kids.html

and here's another post -- which you didn't ask for -- but I think it has a lot of wisdom as well:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-children.html

Here's my thing: I left when I was able to leave. I wouldn't want you to read that first post and think "OMG I am a horrible human being and mother for not leaving YESTERDAY!!!" -- because it's not that easy. And that's what the second link talks about.

(((hugs)))

HHTexas

Thank you thank you! Headed to those links

Thumper

There is an Adult Children of Alcoholics forum on SR. There are stickies on that forum that might add some insight.

That is the legacy of growing up with addiction.

jarp

This post was started by me, and it had a PROFOUND him pact on me.

Every share was like a punch in the gut...but like a little opening of the eye as well! Sme posts were hard to read...but they were EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Sometimes softly softly doesn't work so well with me...sometimes I need someone to say "what the h*ll are you thinking".

I didn't instantly chuck my AH out, it been baby steps. But this post led to me really thinking about how I was as responsible as my AH for what was happening to the kids, and through therapy I realised that I am actually more damaged by my codie mother not protecting us from my father, that I am by what my father did to me.

It hasn't been a perfect journey. I started by saying 'no drinking around the kids, no being drunk around the kids'. AH did surprisingly stick to that but it was too much for him to cope with and he went off the rails. I wouldn't let him back, he went to detox and planned for outpatient, i let him back, lasted a week, he's gone again! So it's two steps forward one back....but without him here I can clearly see that for my kids, not having him in their lives at this point has more benefits than what was happening with him here.

He wasn't violent or anything, it was the unpredictable, disengaged, aggressive, sarcastic, volatile nature of the alocholism that I could see affecting them.

Best of luck, read the posts lilimy has posted....they changed my kids lives.

jarp

Oh and also my biggest fears for my son....who has genetic connections to lots of alcoholics.....putting him in a environment where drinking is modelled as the norm, for everything good and bad....well I might as well write his future for him.

peaceofpi

HH, it took me more than a year to decide to file for divorce and more than a year to get divorced. My main fear was leaving young DS with a drunk, alone.

In my area, courts order supervised visitation only temporarily, even with tons of evidence. Working with a lawyer and a therapist, visiting with my pastor, confiding in friends, reading on SR - and lots of prayer - were all sources of help as I struggled with a decision.

AXH showed no real inclination to change and was a blamer NPD whose verbal abuse just wore me out. It also was horrible for our child to watch his father be such a bully; he repeated the behavior. And he watched his dad drink. Like Jarp said, I wanted DS out of that drinking-is-normal environment.

After separation, things got much more stable for DS. I was less anxious, and I really worked on my recovery. DS is doing well, on the whole, although there are some concerning behavioral issues I believe stem from being alone with a drunk.

For what's happened since our divorce, see my post on AXH drunk-driving child and leaving him in a hot car. I am on the merry-go-round of trying to remotely monitor DS's safety with a progressively worse alcoholic dad.

So that's it. The good and bad. I do not regret getting a divorce. I do regret that my state has laws that don't protect kids.

HHTexas

Awesome posts. I've decided to go to my moms for a few days, with the baby, provided I can work from there.

You people are my refuge.

NWGRITS

I'm an ACoA. I've had a lot of resentment to deal with over the lack of concern for my well-being as a child. I couldn't read the DV thread because it made so angry. One of the few threads here to ever make my blood boil. The job of parents is to protect their children from that kind of abuse. I've done it. I moved myself and my kids into a homeless shelter to get away from my AM. It sucked, but it was infinitely better for all of us are than being around her.

iamthird

You have to protect your child. If you dont, you will have to live with that reality at some point. I am in so much pain being separated and doing it on my own but it is better than my child blaming me one day for their issues because I did not protect them. They did not ask to be born. We must value their little hearts and lives! What we want is secondary.

Catherine628

The kids and I recently moved back in with AH. Things were going well but he relapsed and is worse than ever in 1 week's time.

We had a taste of the peaceful life. Being back in the middle of this relapse has shown me that my children are afraid when their father drinks. He is just so unpredictable with his emotions. He makes promises to us that he can't possibly keep. I watched my kids tiptoe around when he was passed out too afraid to make noise and wake him because then he would either cry, rant or drive drunk.

He disappeared but finally came back and packed a bag. I took his house keys. No more. I used to be so afraid of the stigma of single parenting and worry how separation/divorce would affect the kids. In our situation his drinking has a much more negative outcome.

But most importantly I can't be a good parent when he is here drinking because my whole focus shifts to him and I am overcome with anxiety. I don't like who I become when he drinks and since I can't change him I have to change myself.

Its hard to leave someone you care about.

Blossom717

I am an ACoA and I also have an alcoholic boyfriend (not the first either!). I saw my mom put up with my dad's drug issues and abuse, then she remarried (thinking he was a sober, responsible guy) and he was an alcoholic and a child abuser.

What that did to me as a child is it taught me that this is how relationships are. The woman takes care of the man, he is just misunderstood. Then I realized that that thinking is wrong. Then I promised myself that I wouldn't end up like my mom.

But I did. Now I have a daughter with an alcoholic father, his siblings are all addicts and his own father was an alcoholic who's father was an alcoholic....

So I think growing up around that predisposes us to either being a co-dependent or to being an addict ourselves. I understand your fears, I'm terrified my sweet, vibrant 3 year old will turn into an addict. I'm making my plans for the future, and I'm about 90% sure that includes moving her and I out of ABF's house. Which is terrifying too...but at least I can try and give her a healthy household to compare to her father's.

Also, I can relate to Catherine. Worrying about ABF relapsing (3 weeks no drink) or about his wellbeing or the house while he is actively drinking causes me to take focus off of her. and that hurts everyone.

It doesn't make it easier to leave. I'm headed that way but debate the decision every day

lillamy

This is why I'm still here. Because I'm still learning. And still working on my recovery. Still working on forgiving myself for not protecting my children better.

The last few days I was living with AXH, we had planned a family outing. One of the kids did something that made AXH mad, and after yelling at her and calling her names (including worthless) he told her she wasn't allowed to come along. She was too young to be left home alone, so that meant I had to stay home with her.

After the rest of the family left, I told DD that her father had been wrong for yelling at her and calling her names. She looked at me with such pain, anger, and hatred, and said, "I know. Why don't you tell HIM that?"

And she was right. He was the one who needed to hear it. But I was not able to stand up to him. I was too scared. I told her she was right. I told her I had failed her. And I promised her right then and there that from that moment on, I would always have her back.

24 hours later, we were on the run. Clothes on our back. With a death threat over us.

I protected my children as much as I was able to. I know that. But I don't know if I will ever be free of the overwhelming guilt of not protecting them better, of not leaving sooner, of not fighting harder for them. I'm not saying that to gain sympathy. It's a statement of fact. I've done many stupid things in my life. I've overcome a lot of guilt. But the guilt I feel for not understanding sooner how much my children were suffering -- that guilt might be something I have to live with for the rest of my life.

Stung

This really struck me. I also don't want my RAH or any of his alcoholic family modeling their booze swizzling ways in front of or around my children. Equally important is that I get my act together because STAYING WITH AN ACTIVE ALCOHOLIC is modeling equally destructive behavior. I think so many of us get caught up on the alcoholics because they are doing a physical action (putting substances in the body beyond excess) meanwhile we're engaging in excessive and unhealthy behaviors as well.

I hope that what I'm gradually getting better at is modeling healthy living for my children. I cannot control what kind of father RAH will be for our children, but I can control the kind of mother I am to our children. I want to show them that it's healthy to put distance between ourselves and abusive people. That people are capable of change but we cannot force them to change. That people are perfectly imperfect and are exactly as they are meant to be. What others want them to be has nothing to do with their worth and others perceptions or opinions of us has nothing to do with our worth.

Neither myself nor RAH are self assured or have healthy self esteem or healthy coping mechanisms. We both look externally when we're feeling bad about ourselves. I treat myself to excessive amounts of shopping when RAH isn't giving me the acceptance that I need and RAH is, obviously, an alcoholic. I strive to be perfect and to control and RAH is a people pleaser to the extreme. This is what we've been teaching our children. Clearly this hasn't worked out well for us, but this is what we were taught as children by our own parents.