unease7

AH at this time says he is only drinking beer, but he is doesn't act like the person I remember before all the drinking started he is so different. He is moody and selfish with me and our kids. If I get upset by something he does or says instead of apologizing he as he put it tries to (plead his case) by explaining to me why I cannot be mad or upset with him because he has not done anything wrong. If you're wanted to make me feel better why not just say I'm sorry but its more important to him to justify his actions can not admit to doing anything wrong ever.he has also become so insecure he makes sarcastic remarks about everything and everyone he acts like a bully.Can anyone relate to this or help me understand where this comes from?

lillamy

Hi there,

Yeah, that sounds familiar to me. The non-apology apology. Addicts don't want to take responsibility for their actions, so they try to shift the blame to you. If you just hadn't gotten upset, I wouldn't have to drink. If you weren't so [fat/skinny/tall/good at chess --insert whatever you want], I wouldn't have had to [drink/get angry/hit you/ slam the door].

Switching from whiskey to beer is like switching from red wine to white: Same poison, different bottle. Another common excuse from alcoholics: What I'm drinking isn't as bad so therefore, you have to accept it. No, you don't.

Here's the thing: You can't change the way he acts. There's no understanding why an alcoholic acts the way he acts, because you can't explain crazy. The only thing you can do is figure out what you are willing to live with.

Do you have any outside support? I'm asking, because my ex very effectively cut off all my family and friends so that he could keep telling me his story -- that he was right and I was wrong -- and nobody could tell me differently. I managed to find an Al-Anon meeting I could go to at lunch, without him knowing, and that helped me a lot.

Butterfly

Wow I just had a flashback to my separated AH! When I had problems especially with his drinking, his friends or the places he went to drink, time he came actually anything where drink was involved he would constantly say to me 'I haven't done anything wrong'!! That was his view point he never tried to see or understand where I was coming from, I was over reacting or interpreting things his friends said as being nasty when they were only joking. He never accepted that what they said had upset me or the fact he didn't tell his friends to shut up viewed they could say anything they wanted about me!! This happened many times through out our marriage! He told me once that it wasn't that he was choosing his friends etc over me he was choosing drink. I began to realise that if he viewed his ability to drink or his place to drink could potentially be threatened that I would try and stop him from going he would dig his heels in and I would get the 'I didn't do anything wrong' speech 'your reading into things' etc. he would rarely apologise for his attitude or behaviour except when he returned from a bender then his apologies and remorse were to ensure I didn't throw him out!! I would also hear these statements when he felt I was trying to tell him what to do because he didn't like being told what to do and would make his own decisions when he was ready!!

Sorry I can't give you insight into your A's behaviour but that was why mine acted the way he did. I don't think they want or can accept responsibility for how they treat us and feel at times we are picking on them unfairly!!

Blossom717

My ABF switched from whiskey to beer....he just ended up drinking 12 beers a night. Now he's switched from alcohol to marijuana.

He also does the thing with trying to justify his actions. Now that he has admitted he is an alcoholic he uses it as an excuse, will not talk about issues that are still happening. Says its in the past, but guess what? some of them arent. (sorry, small vent lol)

I realized that no matter how much we try and understand them and the disease, it doesn't really help much if they don't try to understand and manage it themselves. But we can manage us. I have spent way too many hours of my life researching alcoholism, pancreatitis, addiction. I should have been researching Co-dependency more and how to build up my own self esteem and happiness. And you should too!

unease7

Blossom717 thanks for your post it helps to be able to talk with people who really know what this is like. I never talked to anyone about what was going on no one not even my parents . I didn't realize at the time that it was because of AH mind games and controlling ways I told myself it would be disrespectful to my husband to talk about his problem,to be a good wife I should support him and we should work on our problems in private. My family wasn't at all surprised they said they had known just waiting on me to say something and my mom took me to my first Alanon meeting where I began to learn about the guilt and blameshifting games and keeping secrets. I know I do need to start going to Alanon again it's just hard due to knowing he will get angry and make things even more difficult at home he makes fun of my going to the meetings acts very sarcastic about the whole thing but I know it helps me and I have to do what's best for me and my daughters.

Missus

Alcohol is alcohol, whether it's whiskey, beer, top-shelf stuff or something that you could clean drains with out of a paper bag. Sounds like he is still chasing his buzz, and probably cranky because "it's your fault" he can't have whiskey.

Timeiskey

Unease, I totally understand what you are saying here as well. I have engaged in some real Codi activity in the past few days, which started out of pity for my ex when I heard some stories about his reputation around town. I wanted to talk about recent events- and he would take NO responsibility for anything. I was the one who made him act a certain way. Or what he had done/will continue to do is how he is and he doesn't need to apologize for anything. He isn't a bad person! And I am making him out to be a bad person!

Sigh...I recently posted something similar to your post and one response that I got was to stop looking for validation for what I know from a diseased mind...isn't so easy when you are in the thick of it, huh? Well, you are making positive steps by posting here. Hopefully you will find an Al Anon meeting as well. Best part about my ex- we have this denial party conversation Saturday, he slammed the door on me yesterday and then called today to apologize and see if I will be willing to "hang out" soon...ummm, No. I am done. At some point, I have to come first- even before my sad and broken heart. Good luck and big HUGS!!!

HHTexas

AH is currently trying light beer instead of heavier stuff. LOL. To be so smart, some people are really stupid.

Missus

HHTexas, my hubby switched to light beer for many years (after a particularly mortifying incident) - he honestly thought this was a Great Thing he was doing, specially given that the light beer was such an inconvenience (apparently goes right thru' you lol). He ended up back on the regular stuff eventually

NWGRITS

Switching from whiskey to beer is like switching from regular Coke to Diet. They're both nutritionally void and going to cause all sorts of health problems. Alcohol is alcohol. One isn't any worse than the other (until you get to the point that they're drinking mouthwash or running alcohol out of desperation for a fix). An alcoholic cannot drink, period. The only way to make it better is to abstain completely.