SallyTaylor

I am hoping for some guidance in not giving into magical thinking. My STBXAH and I separated in May with an agreement of seeing each other once during the week and every Sunday, which he would then stay overnight.

in the nearly 3 months of this arrangement he has stayed over exactly ZERO Sundays and we have met sporadically during the week. He will set plans, then cancel last minute. He will ask for a rescheduled day, then not follow-up. This has happened nearly 20 times since May. This is also highly consistent with the behavior while we were married when the same thing would happen about coming home (I will be home by 7, then he comes home at 1 am - you know the drill).

We actually had a month of almost NC which came about by accident as he was out of town, then I was, then he was again, then I was again. I started feeling SO much better as the uncertainty of will he/won't he show up was gone - I didn't have to worry about it anymore or try to think ahead of times/places that I knew would work for him to minimize the potential of him blowing me off. The month of NC started off with me finding out he had left town 3 hours after asking him what time we were supposed to meet on our agreed-upon day "Oh sorry I forgot to let you know - I had a chance to get out of town so I took it." My reply - "from now on if you are going to break agreed-upon dates please give advance notice."

In the last 2 weeks since we've both been back in town he postponed on me again and when I told him the alternative day/time he suggested wouldn't work and suggested a time 2 hours later he suggested yet another day. I finally said "you know what, I'm tired of the disrespect and lack of consideration. I'm tired of being blown off. You show no interest in me or this marriage. Are you interested in having an honest heart-to-heart conversation or not?" His reply - "we said 12:30" Meanwhile I had suggested 2:30 b/c I had to take the dogs to the vet to get the shots so he can have them visit in his new building! But of course, that doesn't matter - it is always on his terms. I told him I could not meet the next day and I would send him a letter.

We have never been able to have an honest heart-to-heart talk about any topic of substance. When we were living together he would run to the bar for hours and come home drunk or lay down in his closet like a little boy. I don't know why I think it is possible now. I guess since I am close to filing as I simply cannot take being blown off this way anymore, I feel like I have to take one more shot at saying my piece about his alcohol use, the disrespect he has shown me, and the infidelity that I think happened last year. I intend to write him a letter outlining all my thoughts and feelings on each of these topics and then see if he will meet with me to discuss it after he's read it.

I feel better with this plan in place. But I wonder if I am falling for magical thinking in getting my hopes up that it will do anything? This morning for some reason I went back and re-read months of texts from 2012 before our relationship blew up and everything sounded like a pretty normal relationship. So sometimes I feel like that normalcy is in reach again. And then I think about all the verbal abuse, countless nights coming home drunk/staying out late at the bar, the potential cheating (the text messages b/w him and the woman are pretty damning) and the flat out disrespect and lack of consideration he has been showing me for months during this separation. (Of course I've made up an explanation for that - it is hard to go through a separation so why should I expect him to do what he says he is going to do)

Any thoughts on how to keep myself grounded in the reality of WHAT IS vs the fantasy that what used to be might be possible?

I'm really struggling as when I think back to all those 2012 texts that I read I feel like I'm the one that triggered the disruption to our relationship by pushing for the separation and trying to have a real conversation. And so I don't know how to let go of the self-blame, as well as maintain my grip on the reality of the situation today.

THank you for listening.

ladyscribbler

Well, I started putting all my magical thinking into the fantasy novel I am writing. It is about 80% complete. As far as daily life, and especially in dealings with my ex, I keep my boundaries as a guideline, so that even if I am tempted to fall into thinking that he seems better or is capable of behaving like an adult, I don't set myself up for disappointment.
Magical thinking can be constructive and valuable, but only if it is channeled into something productive like creative writing and not a dead end relationship. Sounds like nc was working well, whether it occurred by accident or not, maybe give it another go.

AnvilheadII

in the nearly 3 months of this arrangement he has stayed over exactly ZERO Sundays and we have met sporadically during the week. He will set plans, then cancel last minute. He will ask for a rescheduled day, then not follow-up. This has happened nearly 20 times since May. This is also highly consistent with the behavior while we were married when the same thing would happen about coming home (I will be home by 7, then he comes home at 1 am - you know the drill).

see anything "magical" about that? this is your life NOW, this is reality.

NWGRITS

Lower your expectations to zero and you'll never be disappointed. Unicorns that poop rainbows are magical. Nothing about life with an A is anything close.

SallyTaylor

Thanks, everyone. I thought I had reached rock bottom to be able to say my piece and then say good bye last week, but I realized I am not quite there yet. I will write him the letter laying it all out and see what happens. As NWGRITS advises, I will expect nothing so I can't be disappointed. I think I will feel better just knowing that I've communicated my thoughts and feelings since he has just repeatedly denied me that opportunity.

hopeful4

This is no marathon. Just baby steps, that's all you can ask of yourself. You cannot expect anything from him as it sounds like he is not taking any of it very seriously. Ask yourself, what, if anything, do you get from a relationship with this man??

Florence

Oh gosh, I did all this too. I had to do it for myself. I had to use every last shred of hope just to see. Maybe if I said it in a new way he would hear me!

In his addiction, I don't think he is capable of hearing me or understanding what it felt like for me to experience this as his partner. It wasn't about me. I had to stop looking to him for the feelings of healing and acceptance that I needed. That had to come from me. He was literally incapable of providing that kind of support or reliability.

Based on what you're saying, same situation.

He won't show up, avoids you, is probably cheating on you, and is an alcoholic. You've already separated. You ask, "Any thoughts on how to keep myself grounded in the reality of WHAT IS vs the fantasy that what used to be might be possible?" Sure. If you met him today, knowing what you know about him, does he still look like a marriageable partner? If not, what's to save? They aren't rhetorical questions -- what exists today that you want to save?

redatlanta

Well, in reading what is happening I would say don't waste your time with the letter.

- he has never kept the schedule you both agreed to
- everything is on his terms
- he has shown little interest in improving your relationship

What do you think you will accomplish here and for that matter why would you want this life and I think you should think about that. Is this kind of relationship what you want?

You asked about staying grounded in reality, this is your reality. You have written it word for word.

It sounds like you are looking for an acknowledgement from him for all he is done. I don't think you will get it considering his behavior.

If you really want to write the letter then write it and hold it. Don't send it for a couple of days. If after than time you still want to send it then do so with zero expectation.

I am sorry you are going through this.

lillamy

Probably. *sigh*
I think he's shown you exactly how much interest he has in working on your marriage.
I think you've seen what life is like without him -- that month when you didn't spend valuable time setting up dates and rescheduling dates.

If a man wants to be with you, he will find the time and he will schedule the time. It sounds to me like you're chasing someone who's already gone. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but imagine it the other way 'round: If he was the one setting up the dates, would you constantly blow them off?

Also, you say maybe you initiated the downturn in your relationship by insisting on separating etc -- instead of going back and reading text messages from when things were good, think about why you insisted on the separation! Clearly, you had good reason for it -- so the downturn in your relationship was there before you insisted on separating.

I hope you can figure out your way here. It's hard because addicts have a way of turning things around on us to where we start believing their version of reality.

Maybe your letter will tell him that it's serious. That he's really losing you. But I wouldn't invest too much hope in that.

fedup3

until he decides to seek recovery what you are looking for from him will not be there.

honeypig

SallyT, I think you've gotten some good advice here, and I hope you can hear it and take it to heart.

You say you want to "write him the letter and see what happens." Is there some reason that something different will happen than what has been happening over the past 3 months? I think he's been telling you, loud and clear, exactly where he stands regarding your marriage, etc., but you are unwilling to hear that. I don't mean that in a harsh sense--I've been in the same spot myself, feeling certain that if only I can find the right words, surely then he'll get the message and come around, or at the very least, admit that I am right and he is wrong...

It's so tempting to want validation, to want vindication, to want an admission of wrongdoing, something to clear us, set us free, absolve us, heal us! But it is not up to the A to do those things, and it never was, whether we understand that right now or not.

To me, it seems that wanting to write this letter, send it to your A and then meet to discuss it falls firmly under the heading of "going to the hardware store for bread." What you're looking for from him can only come from you.

I wish you strength and clarity.

Hawkeye13

Three months of blowing off your previously agreed-upon meetings really should be telling
you something--his actions say his addiction is more important than his relationship.

Do you really want to live with a person who is willing to marginalize you so very much?

Don't you deserve someone who will love, treasure, and put you high on their priority list?

The issues here aren't just his, I think--I'm sorry it's so difficult right now.

mauihope

Sally~
As I just responded in my thread, an indicator of future behavior is past behavior and it looks like that is happening. It is difficult because we want it to work out, we see it could be better, if certain behaviors would just stop. But I am not sure if that is the case in every situation. Every situation is different and people are different. I have seen good things with my h and I know deep down he is a good person and that he has it in him to be good. I just don't want to wait any longer, hoping he will become the person I want him to be. He is who he is, showing me everyday what is most important. I am now listening to that. I have written my h letters too. It feels good to get the feelings out. I expected nothing and got nothing. Just a thanks.

And I agree with what honey mentioned about validation. The only person that can validate me is me. It's been a long road for me to believe this and some days are better than others. It's a journey and I take lots of baby steps....~~~peace~~~

SallyTaylor

Ugh - I just typed you all a really long reply and then it got deleted by accident and now I can't find it. Now I have to run out so I have to settle for short and sweet instead.

Thank you for the straight talk. This Forum is amazing for "telling it like it is" I knew I could count on an honest assessment.

I do feel like at this point I'm making my own problems worse. I feel like it is tipping into compulsive territory, as I seem to have this crazy need to "fix" the relationship and make it right, even though when it was good it wasn't even that good. I think on some level I always knew, I just denied and denied and denied it to myself for years.

Even the night we got engaged he got super drunk and then called his dad and had a screaming match with him on the phone. Then the 2 little parties we had within the few weeks after he got drunk at both of those. Then when we planned the wedding the mean side comments happened on occasion. And I just ignored and stuffed and stuffed and ignored.

Now it is all out in the open.

I will likely draft the letter and then sit on it before sending - that was a great suggestion. I do think it will make me feel better. Then I have to keep working on me.

Going to the Katy Perry concert tonight with my girlfriend. So many of her songs speak to the codie mindset - Roar, Part of Me, Hot & Cold, and my favorite - Wide Awake. Need the lightness of that concert tonight.

Thanks everyone!

Recovering2

Honeypig took the words right out of my mouth. As long as you keep "going to the hardware store for bread" you will remain frustrated. He is CLEARLY showing you who he is, it's time to believe him. You can write letters all day every day, he isn't going to get it. You won't get the explanations you seek from him, his disease makes that impossible. Write down all your feelings, then go to AlAnon or counseling to work it out for yourself.

NWGRITS

I've written many letters to my AM. Some were assignments for therapy when I reached a particular roadblock, and some were just due to some environmental trigger. Never have sent any of them, but the act of getting it all out really was enough. (((Hugs)))

Rosalba

I once attended a meeting - not my home group, so I had no idea of the topic up for discussion - and it turned out to be 'Trust'. After a bit of reflection, I came to the conclusion that the one thing you can confidently trust a drinking alcoholic to do is - drink.

Anything else really is off-limits. I also found my life got very much easier when I decided that the only thing you can reasonably, and realistically, expect of another person is that they will be themselves. I personally can't be bothered with people who are repeatedly unreliable; I'm not talking about people who've been held up by circumstances beyond their control, but people who just don't care, or will readily be diverted by someone/thing else.

It was a bit of a revelation to myself that I didn't actually have to put up with it, or try and make future plans!

SallyTaylor

The part I struggle with now is the acceptance of who he is and how he behaves (consistently inconsistent is how my therapist describes it). The acute pain of the separation has passed and in a weird way I miss it. When the pain was with me, I had something to react to and fight to survive against. Now it is just the cold hard reality of what is. And that I can't do a damn thing about it.

I simply haven't figured out how to make peace with that yet. I'm encouraged by all of you that have been able to make that leap.

dandylion

Sally....about "making peace" with "hard, cold reality". I believe that the next step is actually grieving the loss. Grieving is the first step of the healing process. Grieving lets out all the painful emotions so that you will have a place for new growth to appear.
Grief is a process that passes through stages and is composed of many different emotions--most are very painful...especially in the very beginning....
You will need to cry; be angry; feel revengeful;feel sad, scared, uncertain...and, cry some more. I filled the Indian Ocean with my tears.
You are going to need one on one support more than ever during this particular time.
Do you have any??
If you don't have a counselor...please find yourself one.
Alanon or similar group would be perfect for you, right now.
Lean on us, here, big time! Most all of us have gone through this.

Most of all, know that this is temporary pain for long-term gain.
The sun will shine, again and blue skies will prevail.

dandylion

SallyTaylor

Thank you, Dandylion. I think I need to get to AlAnon pronto. I spent the night last night with my friend and her husband. The way they interacted with one another was so loving. Of course they fight - who doesn't - but I could see a respect there between them which went missing in my marriage years ago. It is another reminder of the reality of the marriage that wasn't.

I don't want to let it go. But I know I have to.