peaceofpi

I am seeking perspective from anyone who has experience with dealing with a particular co-parenting situation where XAH is increasingly neglectful of our DS.

XAH has unsupervised possession of our young DS. Last spring, a friend texted me (the day after) to tell me XAH was drunk when he picked up DS from school. Another time, the friend told me (again, a day later) XAH was drunk when he picked up DS from school. I have asked the friend repeatedly (to no avail) to call 911 when this happens or to let me know asap. I also informed the principal and campus police.

This summer, XAH left DS strapped into his car seat in a hot car, at least twice, with no AC or windows down (not that cracked windows help, per studies on hot cars). Once he was left longer than 5 minutes, a violation of state law. Another time XAH left him in the car to go into a liquor store. When he got back to the car, he put his liquor into a cooler in the trunk, and spent a minute making sure it was iced down and cool, without ever opening a door for DS or checking on him. A few hours later at a rest stop on their road trip XAH was vomiting repeatedly.

I know it is time for action. I have documentation of the facts above. I want DS to have a good relationship with his dad, but XAH seems incapable of acting in DS's best interests. IMO, his access should be supervised.

Does anyone have experience in coparenting with someone who appears to becoming more and more an end-stage A? Thank you in advance.

biminiblue

Start legal proceedings yesterday to remove custody. You should be able to get an emergency stay before the hearing actually occurs.

Your son needs to be away from this person.

ladyscribbler

My ex is end stage. There is no more "coparenting" at that point, it must be all about protecting your child. My ex is not allowed to see my son unsupervised, he is not allowed to take him anywhere. I am fortunate that his parents are totally on board with this, they have finally seen that he is a danger to himself and others. At this point safety must override any lingering hopes that my ex can pull himself together enough to have a relationship with our son.
And yes, my ex does all manner of quacking and crap talking to anyone in earshot. Somehow setting boundaries means we have all turned against him, etc. He is still in denial, which is another unfortunate symptom, even in late/end stage alcoholism.

peaceofpi

Ladyscribbler, thanks; I always gain insight from your comments.

What was the process you used to make sure he isn't unsupervised? Informal, with his parents, or through legal channels?

AnvilheadII

Legal channels - he is putting your child's life IN DANGER. children dying after being left in hot cars BY THEIR PARENTS are all over the news....your ex is not SAFE for your child. he cannot put the child's safety in front of anything. as such he does not deserve to have time alone with the child. please take this dead serious.......

ladyscribbler

Informal with the parents for now. We were never married and when I moved out I came back home to Iowa while he is still in PA, so there is nothing on paper.
As of the last visit, which actually ended yesterday, I am thinking I will have to take some steps to formalize this arrangement. His parents had a couple of run ins (mostly due to their utter lack of boundaries) where my ex was threatening them and saying he would take my son away, etc. They got totally caught up in the drama. I gently explained to his mom that just because someone shows up at your house doesn't mean you have to let them in, especially if they are drunk and violent, same for answering the phone. They still haven't been to Alanon, but I guess they're not ready yet.
My ex actually called the police to report his parents for kidnapping and the police called me to find out what was going on. The officer was very understanding, and assured me that my ex would be subject to a sobriety test if he tried to take our son anywhere unsupervised. He also said that without a formal agreement there is nothing they can do to stop him if he did pass the sobriety test. Fat chance of that, but I'd rather be safe than sorry, so I'm going to have some formal safeguards put into place before the next visit.

peaceofpi

I am pretty sure I won't be able to "remove custody." In my jurisdiction, we get to stay on the merry-go-round with the drunk parent.

Unless he got a DUI, there are basically no laws protecting children in this situation from an increasingly negligent drunk.

Again, I would appreciate any perspective from parents who have dealt with similar situations.

ladyscribbler

What would be the repercussions if you simply refused to let your son go with him? If he is late stage then he is pretty much drinking all the time, from the moment he wakes up until he passes out at night. What if you just didn't let him take your son? What do you think he would do?

Butterfly

Are there no child protection laws??

soberjuly

Wow, he's the dad but IMO he has lost the privilege of parenting - for right now, and who knows how long "right now" is...

I also have no written custody agreement either although my ex did give me full physical custody. We share legal custody. I let him have the kids every other weekend.

NWGRITS

Unfortunately, most states still believe that BS about children needing both parents, regardless of the circumstances. They don't *need* both parents. They just need healthy role models of both genders. That doesn't mean their biological parents. My bio mother was a waste of space in my life. I'd have been better off without her.

peaceofpi

Grits, that's correct about states putting "child needs both parents" preference over the actual needs of the child. Legislators give lip service to "best interest of the child" (and punt to judges), without providing any actual protections to children. Unless the child is a DV victim, the drunk gets to share custody.

Ladyscribbler, I'd refuse to let DS go with AXH if I could smell alcohol when he comes to pick him up. AXH can go short times without drinking, which might be why he was throwing up when he'd had a longer period without drinking.

Regarding "end stage": AXH occasionally works and occasionally doesn't smell drunk, etc. But he has the unsteady gait, memory lapses, inappropriate comments and actions, lack of frontal lobe mental processes, protruding gut, medical issues, and other indications. Alcohol is a progressive disease, and it'll only get worse. At what stage will a court do something? If I'm lucky he might get 30 days supervised.

Croissant

I'm wondering....trying to think laterally here...if on the days he picks your child up from school, he must collect your child from the classroom, and teachers have a duty of care to note and report to child services that he's showing up drunk?

Have you spoken to your local police on what can be done? I.e. Reporting his licence plate as a suspected drink driver, and that your child has reported being left in the car? (I assume that's how you found out?).

Some way it can at least be documented that you alerted authorities?

Apart from that, have you spoken to your ex directly about it?

I just feel such a sense of urgency here, children need to be protected.

Mango blast

You're right - his dad is incapable of this right now. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it. Good for you in exploring what you can do to protect DS. Being exposed to constant abnormal behavior "normalizes" things that aren't normal. When what we want doesn't mesh with reality, all we can do is work our recovery in order to be there for ourselves and our kids and figure out how to sort out what is normal, safe and healthy.

It may not be too late to file a police report about DS being left in the hot car. Even if it doesn't go anywhere, it can be very important to have these things on record. Partly for DS, to get protection -- this is very serious and could have resulted in brain injury or death. Partly for yourself, for the step of reaching out, how to file reports, of picking up a phone or walking into the police station and finding out what to do and how to do it. You are capable of making good decisions. Think about your options. Maybe list them out. The more often I started reaching out, picking up the phone and walking into places that can help me, the healthier and more empowered I became to dealing with life.

If you're unable to pick up the phone to call the police or get shuffled around there, calling a domestic violence center can also help. It's a safe place to get information and support.

Butterfly

That is ridiculous re lip service to best interest of the child, that should be the courts focus!! If it were me I wouldn't be letting my child go with him unless supervised. I am sorry you are going through this.

ladyscribbler

Then go for what you can get right now. My ex needs a certain amount of alcohol in his system at all times just to maintain an appearance of normalcy and avoid withdrawal symptoms. My guess would be even if you can't smell it or he doesn't seem "drunk drunk" that he still has some alcohol in his system.
If you get the ball rolling on supervised visits with enforced sobriety, even on a temporary basis, that is the best you can do for right now to protect your son. Chances are if your ex is late stage, then he will mess it up somehow.

Florence

Before you decide you will have to share all custody, talk to a lawyer. Explain the situation and what strategies you have available to prove to the court that he is erratic, has bad judgement, and is a danger to your child.

Has he been arrested? Fired? Lost his license? Admitted anywhere for mental health or alcoholism? Has his doctor noticed anything?

My XAH had managed to slip under the legal radar for a decade despite a serious drinking problem. I requested a guardian ad litem to look at us and to look at the evidence and make a recommendation to the court. It was a gamble, and I knew that there was a good chance I might have to answer a bunch of uncomfortable questions about myself (and I did), but it went my way. I knew that if I showed I was doing the emotional and therapeutic work necessary to make me into a better mom and citizen that the courts would take notice. The GAL sent me a questionnaire, and I sent him back about twenty pages of documentation and notes and opinions. He sent a follow up questionnaire and I sent back another ten pages. Ha. My XAH settled all the financials of the divorce with no conflict, but petitioned the court for unsupervised visitation adhering to the state guidelines visitation schedule. The court said no, but he gets supervised visitation adhering to the state guidelines schedule in his parents home. This works for me for now.

hopeful4

With all the children dying in hot cars right now, it would be a good time to address it because it is front and center right now. What a selfish a$$.

Protect your baby no matter what.

KidsR#1

How about a call to child protective services? There is a 1-800 # that can be contacted and start the process. It is anonymous. When I was a caseworker this is what I had to do if I had a concern over parents caring for their children. They usually started an investigation that day.

Another thing is teachers and anyone working with children are mandated reporters in my area. Is he just really good at covering up his drinking when he picks up DS? If the teachers are not aware of the situation I would definitely let them know. I keep in touch with my daughter's teachers regarding their dad so that if something comes up during the school day they have an idea of what is happening at home.

Whatever action you take, do it today!

LightInside

Ditto what Amy A said. CPS, police, atty. Do whatever you can and repeat if necessary. Even if no one will take you seriously, you will then know that you did everything you could. I insisted that my X only have supervised visits. He threw a big text message hissy fit, but he has done the bare minimum to fight me in court. Why? I don't know. Afraid of the real responsibilities of FT parenting? Knows he doesn't stand a chance in proving me wrong? I don't know, but he'll blame anything he can on his lack of sobering up and taking control of himself and his responsibilities. Most of all he blames me. I had to learn to ignore those words that literally burned my skin and push through with my case, knowing that my son's welfare is more important than keeping X from being mad at me. Just a bunch of quackery. We're not finalized yet, but hopefully by Sept. 9th and I hope I get my way!

Aye, reading your post has gotten me all fired up about injustice. I feel so lucky that I happen to be a (safe) mom who lives in a state where they still favor the mom.

P.S. Pray if that's part of your belief system. Pray and pray and pray for only the good and true and beautiful well being of your DS. <3