My husband just doesn't get it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 15
My husband just doesn't get it.
My husband and I have been together 2 1/2 years and have been married for one. We were partners in crime with most of the beginning of our relationship revolving around drinking and smoking weed. I myself have struggled with binge drinking 5 out of 7 days out of the week since I was about 19. Of course there were periods of less and more. But bottom line I will never have just one. I'm incapable. I will have that intention but that always ends in drinking to stumbling to bed or passing out. My husband CAN have one or two and walk away. His DOC was always pot. I went to a couple of meetings here and there in the past and at one point had 30 days until relapse.
May of this year, he stopped smoking pot so we could try to get pregnant. I was going to stop drinking. He didn't get why but I explained that I have to or else I end up drinking too much too often. I also lightened it with the whole "I'll have to stop completely any way when I get pregnant so why not now." But he keeps coming home wanting to have a couple drinks after a hard day and I end up doing what I always do. So I've asked him a few times to do it with me. Stop drinking and get healthy. He agreed to do it.
Last night we went to a wedding of one of my drinking crowd. Very ritzy and everyone was drinking. He looked uncomfortable not really knowing anyone so I told him to go ahead and have one. Then he had 2 and when he said he might have a third, I finally said please dont. And he didn't. But we sit down to dinner, he pours a glass of red wine sitting on the table and placed it in front of me and said "just have one with dinner." I was livid...but then I was like F it and drank it...then 3 more. I was going for a 5th when he was like OK no. Just use self control or let's go home. So we went home.
On the drive home I cried my eyes out and he asked me if I was drunk. I wasn't but I was just so sad that he just doesn't get it. I told him "I know you think I'm weak and it makes you lose respect for me but I am incapable of drinking like a normal person." He thought I just needed to use self control. I again explained that in every other aspect of my life I DO have self control just not with alcohol. I ended up begging him to stop for a bottle of wine threatening that if he didn't I would walk to the store to get one. He obviously didn't want me to as it was midnight and raining. We both drank until sleep in silence watching TV. This morning is just awkward and I feel like I have to accept once again this a - hole disease. But I fear he's not going to love me or will be angry with me for taking away the fun. And I believe he just doesn't get it. I don't know what to do but am extremely sad and anxious. ..not to mention being on day 1 AGAIN.
May of this year, he stopped smoking pot so we could try to get pregnant. I was going to stop drinking. He didn't get why but I explained that I have to or else I end up drinking too much too often. I also lightened it with the whole "I'll have to stop completely any way when I get pregnant so why not now." But he keeps coming home wanting to have a couple drinks after a hard day and I end up doing what I always do. So I've asked him a few times to do it with me. Stop drinking and get healthy. He agreed to do it.
Last night we went to a wedding of one of my drinking crowd. Very ritzy and everyone was drinking. He looked uncomfortable not really knowing anyone so I told him to go ahead and have one. Then he had 2 and when he said he might have a third, I finally said please dont. And he didn't. But we sit down to dinner, he pours a glass of red wine sitting on the table and placed it in front of me and said "just have one with dinner." I was livid...but then I was like F it and drank it...then 3 more. I was going for a 5th when he was like OK no. Just use self control or let's go home. So we went home.
On the drive home I cried my eyes out and he asked me if I was drunk. I wasn't but I was just so sad that he just doesn't get it. I told him "I know you think I'm weak and it makes you lose respect for me but I am incapable of drinking like a normal person." He thought I just needed to use self control. I again explained that in every other aspect of my life I DO have self control just not with alcohol. I ended up begging him to stop for a bottle of wine threatening that if he didn't I would walk to the store to get one. He obviously didn't want me to as it was midnight and raining. We both drank until sleep in silence watching TV. This morning is just awkward and I feel like I have to accept once again this a - hole disease. But I fear he's not going to love me or will be angry with me for taking away the fun. And I believe he just doesn't get it. I don't know what to do but am extremely sad and anxious. ..not to mention being on day 1 AGAIN.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Hey Squirrely, it might be time to sit down and just talk it all through with your husband, he's probably never ever going to "get it" because he may be able to drink normally and so his lack of understanding is to be expected, but he needs to respect your decisions surely, isn't that what marriage is all about, standing by each other, especially in such an important decision with regards your life and health.
The thing is though, he will always be drinking, to expect him to be Sober also isn't a way forward, there has to be a way for both of you to coexist with your different relationships with alcohol!!
Go at it again, your on Day 1, you can do this!!
The thing is though, he will always be drinking, to expect him to be Sober also isn't a way forward, there has to be a way for both of you to coexist with your different relationships with alcohol!!
Go at it again, your on Day 1, you can do this!!
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
What you do is stop drinking. Let him do whatever he wants. You can only stop you and only you can stop you.
Keep reading here, keep posting here. Look at all the ways the people here have quit. Try them until you find the way that works for you.
This is one of the few things in life that you can say, "It's all about me. ME, ME, ME, ME, ME," and no one will thing you're wrong.
Keep reading here, keep posting here. Look at all the ways the people here have quit. Try them until you find the way that works for you.
This is one of the few things in life that you can say, "It's all about me. ME, ME, ME, ME, ME," and no one will thing you're wrong.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
You are not alone. In early sobriety I attached my drinking to my husbands and it is very true that he did not get it.
The road to sobriety is your own, it is a solo flight. You might have to just accept that people around you won't stop drinking because you want to stop. And, that applies especially to our loved one's.
I am very solidly sober and very happy sober, but my husband drinks and he sometimes drinks a lot. I don't think he is an alcoholic, but alcohol is a big part of his leisure time.
It wasn't easy getting sober around alcohol.
But, getting sober is for you. It is one thing you are allowed to be completely selfish about.
When I found it too uncomfortable to be around him when he was drinking, I didn't hang around the house. I developed a very active life in recovery and was on my own, a lot. I was out of the house a lot. I put our relationship on the shelf for a while.
It survived. It's just what I had to do.
The road to sobriety is your own, it is a solo flight. You might have to just accept that people around you won't stop drinking because you want to stop. And, that applies especially to our loved one's.
I am very solidly sober and very happy sober, but my husband drinks and he sometimes drinks a lot. I don't think he is an alcoholic, but alcohol is a big part of his leisure time.
It wasn't easy getting sober around alcohol.
But, getting sober is for you. It is one thing you are allowed to be completely selfish about.
When I found it too uncomfortable to be around him when he was drinking, I didn't hang around the house. I developed a very active life in recovery and was on my own, a lot. I was out of the house a lot. I put our relationship on the shelf for a while.
It survived. It's just what I had to do.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
"This morning is just awkward and I feel like I have to accept once again this a - hole disease."
Most have found that acceptance of the fact we cannot drink in safety is among the top needs along with self honesty about our drinking is required for good healthy sobriety. It’s not something we can order over the internet. Reading posts on this site are a great help along with positive long term action which requires work and change. Many try and fail trying to do it their way, usually trying the softest, easiest path.
BE WELL
Most have found that acceptance of the fact we cannot drink in safety is among the top needs along with self honesty about our drinking is required for good healthy sobriety. It’s not something we can order over the internet. Reading posts on this site are a great help along with positive long term action which requires work and change. Many try and fail trying to do it their way, usually trying the softest, easiest path.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,001
I know what you mean. My wife is the same way. Shell say "just have a couple and youll be fine". I think to myself WTF. Ive tried to explain it to her but she doesnt get it. Thats probably a good thing. Now sometimes at friends houses, etc. ill hold the drink so,eone gets for me then eventually just go the the bathroom and. Slowly pour it out. Sad but its easier. Used to lie about drinking. Now i lie about not drinking.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Thank your for this post Squirrely! Seriously, thank you so much. It is good to read how others have this problem. I have had this problem with a number of people close to me, most recently my boyfriend. We are finally at a place that he is completely supportive of my sobriety. I still don't think he understands what I feel like, but he does know and accept that the best thing for me is to stop.
I have been a heavy drinker for over 15 years, but the last 4 I have really slipped into the depths of serious alcoholism. I am like you, I absolutely cannot stop once I start. I described it like this in a post the other day, and this is how I TRY and describe it to other, non-alcoholics. I feel like a monster lives inside me and feeds off alcohol. The monster is sleeping when there is no alcohol. Once I have one sip, the monster is awake and is in complete control. There may be a very fortunate day or night for me that the monster is satisfied with just a drink or two, but that is not something I control, the monster does. Most of the time the monster wants as much alcohol as I can consume before passing out completely wasted. Once the monster starts there is no stopping it (i.e insisting that my boyfriend or as in your example, your husband stop for more or else threatening to go out on my own for more). I am not in control once the monster is awake. The only thing I can control is keeping the monster asleep by not giving it that first drop. It isn't easy, I can feel the monster stirring and wanting alcohol, but as long as I don't give in to that first sip I am still in control and can decide to not drink. Once I drink even one sip all bets are off and I'm in for it.
I found trying to explain this just made me more and more frustrated at not being heard and understood by those who care for me. "Why don't you just drink a glass of water in between each drink?" "Just control yourself" "drink slower" "give yourself a limit of two glasses of wine and do not go over that no matter what" AGHAGHAGHAGHAGHAGHAGHHHHHHH I would cut off both my arms if I thought that would help me to drink like a normal person! FFS people do't you get it?????? DOn't you think i have tired EVERYTHING?!?!?!?!?! Do you think I like drinking like this? Haven't you seen me crying, desperately miserable because day after day, night after night I am always, always, always failing at controlling myself? But no, I have come to accept that most non-alcoholics simply cannot understand.
I tried to quit a number of times before this and my boyfriend acted supportive but then would do the same as your husband "ah, you've been so good, just have 1 glass, but just 1 ok??" And then I'd be off on a bender and back into the cycle of drinking all the time.
As I said, I still don't think he truly gets it, but he knows it is something I want to do for me, for my children, for him so he is fully supporting me this time.
This time I am going with 2 different approaches depending on the situation. One is simply saying I don't drink, I do't want to and not explaining at all, even if pushed. Just "nope, really, I do not want to drink" (not "I can't" because that opens more questions and "helpful" suggestions) Or, as I did last night go full on. Last night a friend was over for dinner and was teasing me and said "ah, but you can't say forever, you just need to choose the right occassion and not drink all the time" I said "look, I can't do it. I have been averaging over 2 bottles of wine a day. I often start drinking at 10:30, 11 in the morning. Sometimes I pass out mid day then wake up for round 2 in the evening. Yeah, whatever, fine if it is some mega party and everyone is doing the same. But I've got 2 great kids, an amazing boyfriend, good work, a lovely home, a good relationship with my ex, the father of my children. I will throw that all away if I continue." I was very pleasantly surprised when he looked a little shocked and sympathetic and said "ah, ok, you are right, in that case it is better not to drink"
I don't know.... I really don't. I guess we just need to get secure in our own decisions and tell people- hey, you do what you want, I'm doing what I want. End of.
Get back on board with your sobriety. You can do this. I know support is important, but more important than that is your own inner strength. Best of luck to you. Hang in there.
I have been a heavy drinker for over 15 years, but the last 4 I have really slipped into the depths of serious alcoholism. I am like you, I absolutely cannot stop once I start. I described it like this in a post the other day, and this is how I TRY and describe it to other, non-alcoholics. I feel like a monster lives inside me and feeds off alcohol. The monster is sleeping when there is no alcohol. Once I have one sip, the monster is awake and is in complete control. There may be a very fortunate day or night for me that the monster is satisfied with just a drink or two, but that is not something I control, the monster does. Most of the time the monster wants as much alcohol as I can consume before passing out completely wasted. Once the monster starts there is no stopping it (i.e insisting that my boyfriend or as in your example, your husband stop for more or else threatening to go out on my own for more). I am not in control once the monster is awake. The only thing I can control is keeping the monster asleep by not giving it that first drop. It isn't easy, I can feel the monster stirring and wanting alcohol, but as long as I don't give in to that first sip I am still in control and can decide to not drink. Once I drink even one sip all bets are off and I'm in for it.
I found trying to explain this just made me more and more frustrated at not being heard and understood by those who care for me. "Why don't you just drink a glass of water in between each drink?" "Just control yourself" "drink slower" "give yourself a limit of two glasses of wine and do not go over that no matter what" AGHAGHAGHAGHAGHAGHAGHHHHHHH I would cut off both my arms if I thought that would help me to drink like a normal person! FFS people do't you get it?????? DOn't you think i have tired EVERYTHING?!?!?!?!?! Do you think I like drinking like this? Haven't you seen me crying, desperately miserable because day after day, night after night I am always, always, always failing at controlling myself? But no, I have come to accept that most non-alcoholics simply cannot understand.
I tried to quit a number of times before this and my boyfriend acted supportive but then would do the same as your husband "ah, you've been so good, just have 1 glass, but just 1 ok??" And then I'd be off on a bender and back into the cycle of drinking all the time.
As I said, I still don't think he truly gets it, but he knows it is something I want to do for me, for my children, for him so he is fully supporting me this time.
This time I am going with 2 different approaches depending on the situation. One is simply saying I don't drink, I do't want to and not explaining at all, even if pushed. Just "nope, really, I do not want to drink" (not "I can't" because that opens more questions and "helpful" suggestions) Or, as I did last night go full on. Last night a friend was over for dinner and was teasing me and said "ah, but you can't say forever, you just need to choose the right occassion and not drink all the time" I said "look, I can't do it. I have been averaging over 2 bottles of wine a day. I often start drinking at 10:30, 11 in the morning. Sometimes I pass out mid day then wake up for round 2 in the evening. Yeah, whatever, fine if it is some mega party and everyone is doing the same. But I've got 2 great kids, an amazing boyfriend, good work, a lovely home, a good relationship with my ex, the father of my children. I will throw that all away if I continue." I was very pleasantly surprised when he looked a little shocked and sympathetic and said "ah, ok, you are right, in that case it is better not to drink"
I don't know.... I really don't. I guess we just need to get secure in our own decisions and tell people- hey, you do what you want, I'm doing what I want. End of.
Get back on board with your sobriety. You can do this. I know support is important, but more important than that is your own inner strength. Best of luck to you. Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
It's almost ironic that we have a whole Friends and Family section on the Forum that is full of people who would bite your arm off as they are crying out for their spouses to never have another drink ever again.
. . . and yet some spouses don't understand there is even a problem!! . . . 2 sides of the same coin!!
. . . and yet some spouses don't understand there is even a problem!! . . . 2 sides of the same coin!!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
Hi Squirrely,
I'm sorry you're having a tough time, but good for you for stopping drinking before you plan to get pregnant.
My suggestion is to leave your husband out of the equation. Focus on you and the sobriety that you want. If your husband chooses to drink, so be it. You can follow your own plan. I know it would be easier if he joined you, but that's not a reason to not embrace sobriety.
I'm sorry you're having a tough time, but good for you for stopping drinking before you plan to get pregnant.
My suggestion is to leave your husband out of the equation. Focus on you and the sobriety that you want. If your husband chooses to drink, so be it. You can follow your own plan. I know it would be easier if he joined you, but that's not a reason to not embrace sobriety.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 15
Thank you so much for your support. My husband apologized this morning and so did I. I have been reading your responses through the day as we have been running errands and am so grateful that other people get it! Meraviglioso I was in the pet store when I read your post and almost burst out crying! There is hope! My husband says he loves me and although he admits that he doesn't get it, he's going to help me by supporting my decision. He also said he would try to abstain from it for at least the first part until I get some ground beneath my feet. But even if he doesn't, you all are right. This is about me and my choice to be healthy and happy. If he decides to drink I mustn't let it affect me. And if he (in his not-getting-it-ness) asks me to just have one, ultimately it's my decision and my life. My sobriety. Honestly I think he respects me enough not to do that again given last night's blowout but just in case.
I guess part of me thought that there was some transparent finish line. Once I found love and got married, self control would somehow grow when it came to my alcohol consumption. Sadly...not true! I'm an alcoholic and a loving husband, family or children will never fix that. I see the light now! I must do this for me! Thank you all for being here!!
I guess part of me thought that there was some transparent finish line. Once I found love and got married, self control would somehow grow when it came to my alcohol consumption. Sadly...not true! I'm an alcoholic and a loving husband, family or children will never fix that. I see the light now! I must do this for me! Thank you all for being here!!
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