Meraviglioso

I think a lot of people will not agree with my strategy here, understandably, but I wanted to share. Everyone has to find what works for them. I am thrilled beyond belief to find myself at lunchtime on day 5. I never thought I would get here and I will say it again, it is thanks to the support I found here.
I think for many, avoiding alcohol at all costs is crucial- keeping it out of the house, staying away from events with drinking. However, I have found that jumping right into that has actually helped me. On my 3rd day of sobriety I went out to dinner and then to a bar ont he beach to listen to music- there was alcohol everywhere, but I didn't drink. Yesterday I hosted a big dinner at my house with 16 people. It was a "bring your own" type event. I provided the space and the table setting, the bbq grills and coal- everyone brought what they wanted to eat and drink and we all cooked our food and enjoyed our meal together. Everyone brought tons of wine and everyone was drinking but me, in my own home. But I didn't drink. Today I am hosting a garden lunch, again with tons of food and wine and prosecco. But you know what, I LOVE entertaining and as tempting as some of the situations have been.... for example as the hostess last night everyone wanted to offer me something, especially knowing how much I loved wine, even going so far as to pouring me a glass and handing it to me, but I resisted. I am happy to go ahead and continue what I love to do. I am so pleased to immediately see the results of my sobriety in these situations. I enjoy the parties more. I am a better hostess and I wake up feeling great. It is actually a great motivation to keep on going with what I love and find that each event is so much more wonderful without alcohol.
Again, I know that for some people this is not a good idea. But I just wanted to share that you do not have to give up what you love doing because you are sober. You can still participate in events- just do it without the alcohol.
I know that today I will be faced with temptation. I just adored sipping on a cold glass of white wine over a long, leisurely lunch in the garden. But not today. I will savor the food, the company, take a rest in the hammock, listen to the music and really enjoy being sober. Then when it is over I will be able to clean up without the trouble of being so drunk I can't walk!
Happy Sunday sober friends. Enjoy yourselves today in a way that makes you feel good, safe and sober. For me that will be enjoying a lunch with friends, watching them enjoy themselves they way they like (with wine and good food) while I enjoy myself in a complementary, but alcohol free way. Bring on the soda water with lime!

not2late

I love this post. I do not entertain that much but have a group of friends who meet for lunch and drink on a regular basis. I went to a birthday party yesterday and everyone was drinking. Fortunately one of our friends has also stopped drinking so that made it a lot easier. For me..if I isolate myself from seeing these friends i am afraid ill become depressed and want to drink more. I just know I need to prepare myself for it and not take the situation lightly. You are doing great. Be well.

Nonsensical

Congrats on 5days sober. Most people at 5 days are feeling fairly grumpy and irritable. I'm glad you are able to do the things you enjoy and stay sober.

doggonecarl

I don't know about agreeing or not, but you are right in that a lot of people could not stay sober with your strategy. But it is your recovery, yours to own.

I just hope if you struggle you will consider modifying your strategy as needed.

Meraviglioso

I agree with you doggonecarl. I realize that I am walking a thin line. But I think what is different this time is that I have finally come to the place where I am absolutely ready to stop. My prior attempts, even if I wanted it desperately did not come from a deep place within, there was always a part of me mourning the loss of drinking. Don't get me wrong, it is not easy this time, but there is a determination that I haven't known before.
In the past I also grouped in all the activites that included drinking as what I was quitting, and that was of great pain to me. This time I am focussing on the fact that I am only quitting drinking alcohol. That doesn't mean I cannot do the things that I love (which often involve alcohol, such as a dinner party) I just can't drink while doing those things. I never attended a concert without drinking, I never danced without drinking, I never sat on the beach without drinking, I never hosted a dinner, lunch, brunch without drinking. Wow! What a fabulous surprise to find that not only is it possible to do those things minus the alcohol but for me, they are actually more enjoyable.
Sure, I would love to enjoy the perfectly paired wine with the gourmet meal I prepared r am eating in a restaurant, but I'm an alcoholic and I just can't. It doesn't mean I can't eat the food or enjoy it.
But again, I repeat, I am not suggesting this "jump right in" for anyone who might have a different sort of struggle, just putting my own experience out there for what it is worth. As an alcoholic I totally understand and support any path any of us take to get and stay sober- no matter how you have to do it, that is the right way as long as it results in the same, shared goal- sobriety.

Meraviglioso

oh and I want to add, I fear I may come across as overly confident or dare I say cocky. I am well aware that my battle is incredibly difficult and serious. I do however believe in the power of thinking your own truth which helps it to become reality. I am trying so hard to stay positive and upbeat about my sobriety this time instead of being depressed and anxious. Best of luck to everyone to get through another day sober. We are worth it

IOAA2

Congratulations. More power to you, as you say your walking a thin rope. Please remember that alcohol is powerful, cunning and baffling. It’s quite possible soon the thinking may be “ I’ve done well so far being around alcohol, maybe IF I just have one….” ETC.

I have a lot of sober years without a desire to drink for over 30 years and I would not put myself into those sort of situations. Relapses in a lot of cases seem to be taken lightly with many, however they are responsible for many not getting sober again. I’ve seen it to many times happen to good people.

JMHO.

BE WELL

Dee74

Just...continue to be wary.

I've lulled myself into a false sense of security before...I've had weeks of being around drinkers and old haunts and been fine, only to be blindsided by my addiction again.

I'm glad you're doing well but it's early days....

Don't underestimate this thing meraviglioso.
It's patient and relentless.

D

ReadyAtLast

It's great you're feeling positive and confident. Please do be wary though. The fact that you say you are walking thin line and have posted this perhaps shows you know deep down this is a risky strategy. Early on when you feel great and it's all new it it feels good being sober,especially if bad events are fresh in your mind. After a time though,once I felt better and the shame wore off I missed drinking a bit and wanted to be like everyone else. I have been in similar situations and felt great in drinking company. The problem for me was that every time I relapsed was precisely when I was in drinking company. I felt relaxed, because I had been ok previously.

The problem was that when it hit me it just hit me out of nowhere. I was surrounded by drink and drinkers but thought I was ok because I'd not had cravings etc.I had no idea how to handle the cravings when they hit and they did. So I did the only thing I knew -I drank. I would advise you to have a plan for when cravings do hit you when you are entertaining.

Boudicca

It is wonderful to hear you are doing so well, M. I certainly agree with trying to live your truth and sometimes I do think we need to "Act as if." You know, act the way we want to feel or fake it till you make it, sort of thing.

I feel quitting the drink does require us to think about our identity. What I hear from you is that hospitality and being a great hostess; being around friends and family is important to you. Don't lose that! Continue to embrace what brings you joy. Just be very, VERY careful. The Beast is a bastard.....it lies to us and tell us what we want to hear. Don't listen.

Speaking for myself, I am very careful in drinking situations. I don't go to drinking events and on social occasions that involve some alcohol I am extremely vigilant. I don't question this anymore........to many people with serious sober time warn against overconfidence and I will take their word for it, LOL!

Continue to lean on SR. This is such a great resource with many knowledgeable and caring people.

PurpleKnight

5 Days is fantastic!! Keep pushing through!!

Meraviglioso

Thank you so much for all of your honest feedback. I made it through the lunch and the day alcohol free and am off to bed and ready to wake up hangover free for day 6 tomorrow. Honestly, this weekend was just what I needed. It definitely wasn't easy. I had a lot of anxiety before and during all of my social events but it gave me the confidence I needed to face my new life as a sober person. I am still finding my way and it will take a lot of time I think. Everyone commented that I seemed tired, calm... Yes, I certainly did considering the last time they saw me I was dancing on tables, screaming, falling down, insisting everyone join my one person dance party, etc, etc, etc. I ned to get to the place where I feel comfortable and confident in my new, sober skin. I do think that now, for a good while I will be much more low key on the entertaining and social situations. But this time, it really was important to me to prove a point to myself that I didn't have to give up everything, I just need to give up alcohol. The weekend is over, my social obligations (and desires) have been met. This week I have no social plans, i plan on concentrating on getting my work life in order- I work from home so my drinking has majorly gotten in the way of that- no boss to hide from or report to, I was able to drink all day and pretend to work. I also plan to spend some good, quality time with my children. Next weekend there is a birthday party of a friend that I plan on politely declining and just staying in and taking it easy. I will continue to entertain in my home as the occassions (why do I always mis-spell that, I don't even have the energy to keep retyping it to get it right!) present themselves, but I will not seek that out for a good while. As guests were leaving I sent all remaining alcohol with them, including politely declining the gifted bottles of wine and prosecco. Everyone was understanding. Good weekend in which I am personally pleased with my "strategy" but time to jump off the tightrope! Off to bed, sober, happy and fulfilled. Thanks again!

Anna

I'm glad you're doing well and that you had a good week.

But, I know that life can turn on a dime and you may be in a situation where there is alcohol at a time when you are very vulnerable.

I also believe that I needed to find things to do that didn't revolve around alcohol so that I felt fulfilled as a person.

soberjuly

I think it must very difficult in a country like Italy where wine is such a part of the culture. I also feel it must be hard in places like England with pubs being such a part of daily life. It's hard for me to merely walk passed the stuff at the grocery store! So good job!

melki

Meraviglioso, I knew you were a kindred spirit! When I read your posts, I can relate to so much and see a lot of myself in them. I think we were at the similar points in life when we decided to quit drinking. By no means an expert in sobriety and recovery, I now find myself at the beginning of day 40 and my approach is very similar to yours. It may not be advisable, but the only thing I have changed so far is I don't drink anymore. I have a very busy life with two kids, I frequently meet with family and friends most of whom drink, and I continue to entertain at home. The only thing different is me not drinking and being very determined about it. I am building up my collection of firsts - not drinking when entertaining, when going out, when camping, on a daytrip, at the beach, at the fancy restaurant, etc. I enjoy all of the above so much more since quitting! The benefits have been immediate, very visible, and extremely gratifying. So this approach is possible, at least short-term.

Since quitting, I have had several tough days, with strong triggers that would've lead me to drink before. What's different now, I am very protective of my sobriety. No matter pain or anguish or stress, I will not drink to relieve it. No matter the occasion, I will not drink to make it more special or pleasant.

As everybody has mentioned, we should NEVER become too complacent. We should never forget where we came from and the misery alcohol brough to our lives. We should always be mindful that it's sneaky and will try to work its way back even after months and years.

I am worried that maybe I'm missing something, maybe I should have a bigger plan and should address the issues that lead me to drinking in the first place. I know for a fact that one thing I should work on is learning to relax. Alcohol was a quick fix when I was stressed and needed to feel better or just crash and sleep. So this is one change in lifestyle that I know I should adopt. I am trying yoga and keep meaning to try meditation, but it's so hard to set aside the time! When the weather's nice, we spend a lot of time outside and a lot of stress is relieved naturally as we are active outdoors. I really worry about winter, historically the worst periods in my marriage happened over the winter months. Not being able to spend much time outside is definitely a major trigger, so I need to be prepared.

What about you, any ideas about long-term changes in lifestyle? What is your Achilles heel?

Meraviglioso

Thanks Melki! I agree with you about stress and trigger situations. I used to drink to relieve stress all the time. That one was a big one for me. I also drank all the time for no reason at all though, but I generally used the stress excuse a lot. It was what always made me relapse in the past. I would feel like I was so stressed and think "I can't handle this" and drink. But I have to be honest, I also found a lot of other excuses to drink- special occasions, nice dinner out, etc. etc. My biggest problem is going to be at the house of my ex, where I am frequently due to my work there. The home I shared with him is where my alcoholism became a serious, serious problem. Although I don't believe he is a bad person and we now have a friendly and cooperative relationship as co-parents, he was very cruel to me for many years, particularly after my 1st child almost died during childbirth and I was suffering a horrible case of post partum. My psychologist thinks I am suffering from PTSD due to the years of relentless trauma. I don't know. I do know that going there is extraordinarily difficult but I have to- for work (I help run holiday apartments on the property) and for the kids. In the past I would go there and it was absolutely automatic, I would get a drink immediately and not stop drinking until I left. I was there this weekend and it was really tough. I came on here and posted and just posting and then reading the responses and encouragement and advice helped me.

As for my entertaining and social life, I don't know. I really do take to heart the advice given by those with more sober experience than me. I see that they say that it can sneak up at any moment so I am keeping that in mind and trying to be aware. I think I will take it a little easy, not cutting out everything, but just pulling back a bit to 1. not have as many tempting situations and 2. to give myself some time to catch up on sleep, spending time with my kids and calming my mind some.
I don't think that I will be attending any pub crawls (not that I ever did, but there did happen to be one all along the seaside this weekend) or wine tastings (sob!) or beer festivals- events where the sole purpose is to drink alcohol. I do hope to keep doing things that I love that can be done without alcohol such as cooking, arranging my flowers and setting a beautiful table, trying a new restaurant with friends, going to see a band play, dancing at a party.

Again, I do appreciate all the advice given and will definitely take it to heart.