So, he disappeared for my birthday weekend ...
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 15
So, he disappeared for my birthday weekend ...
A bit of backstory: A little over one month ago, I kicked my alcoholic fiancé out of our house after his drinking got to be too much for me to deal with. He moved into an apartment, said he stopped drinking, started seeing a therapist, and started going to AA meetings. He also told close friends and family about his disease. I continued seeing my therapist, started going to 1-2 Al-Anon meetings per week, agreed to attend couples' counseling, and started reading conference-approved literature. I detached and started working on myself; his issues became less of a focus. I started feeling better.
I agreed to see him as long as he was on the path to recovery. Consequently, we've seen each other a few times per week over the last month. Almost all meetings were initiated by him.
Fast forward to this week. He had mentioned wanting to go out of town for my birthday (which was yesterday). I was less than enthused (for a variety of reasons) and suggested we do some fun things in town. He agreed.
On Thursday, I was hit with a pretty bad migraine. I take daily preventative medication for my condition, as well as medications when I have attacks. The medications weren't working, so I went to a local urgent care center for something stronger. They gave me a pill and an injection under the condition that I would not drive myself home. No problem - I'll just call my AF.
He didn't answer. He's usually very good about calling back. I also texted him. Nothing. I waited about an hour at the care center and then called him a couple more times. No response. It was about 6 p.m. Nothing.
The person at the front desk cleared me to drive home (which was about two miles away), so I did. First, I stopped at a local restaurant to get a bite to eat for dinner. When I came out, my batter was dead! Thankfully, I am a member of AAA and the restaurant was only .25 miles away from my house. I walked home and then, later that evening, walked back to my car for the service. I still felt kind of bad, bit I did what had to be done.
After all of the drama was over, I get a text from the AF at 10 p.m., apologizing and saying he had crashed as soon as he got home. He asked if there was anything he could do for me. I doubted the truth of his text, because I don't trust him right now. And text, instead of call? At 10 p.m.? He's called much later than that. Odd. I didn't respond.
The next morning (my birthday - ugh) my migraine was back, albeit a bit weaker. I was also nauseated from the medication they had given me. I saw he had called early in the morning to wish me a happy birthday. His voice sounded strange and I debated whether or not to call him back.
No matter. Two hours later, he called and left an angry message, saying that since I hadn't called I must be angry and to have a nice birthday. He then hung up. I didn't respond.
This morning, I texted him to say I had been sick and that he had mail, which I left on the front porch. No response from him. I called, but didn't leave a message. Again, no response from him.
Not sure what to make of all this. Part of me feels like he's being incredibly selfish and immature (as they say - "more will be revealed") and I certainly can't change him. However, is it possible that I overreacted due to my trust issues? A bit confused right now (and have a bit of a leftover migraine, which never helps) so some words of wisdom would be appreciated. Thanks so much, and I'm grateful for all of you.
I agreed to see him as long as he was on the path to recovery. Consequently, we've seen each other a few times per week over the last month. Almost all meetings were initiated by him.
Fast forward to this week. He had mentioned wanting to go out of town for my birthday (which was yesterday). I was less than enthused (for a variety of reasons) and suggested we do some fun things in town. He agreed.
On Thursday, I was hit with a pretty bad migraine. I take daily preventative medication for my condition, as well as medications when I have attacks. The medications weren't working, so I went to a local urgent care center for something stronger. They gave me a pill and an injection under the condition that I would not drive myself home. No problem - I'll just call my AF.
He didn't answer. He's usually very good about calling back. I also texted him. Nothing. I waited about an hour at the care center and then called him a couple more times. No response. It was about 6 p.m. Nothing.
The person at the front desk cleared me to drive home (which was about two miles away), so I did. First, I stopped at a local restaurant to get a bite to eat for dinner. When I came out, my batter was dead! Thankfully, I am a member of AAA and the restaurant was only .25 miles away from my house. I walked home and then, later that evening, walked back to my car for the service. I still felt kind of bad, bit I did what had to be done.
After all of the drama was over, I get a text from the AF at 10 p.m., apologizing and saying he had crashed as soon as he got home. He asked if there was anything he could do for me. I doubted the truth of his text, because I don't trust him right now. And text, instead of call? At 10 p.m.? He's called much later than that. Odd. I didn't respond.
The next morning (my birthday - ugh) my migraine was back, albeit a bit weaker. I was also nauseated from the medication they had given me. I saw he had called early in the morning to wish me a happy birthday. His voice sounded strange and I debated whether or not to call him back.
No matter. Two hours later, he called and left an angry message, saying that since I hadn't called I must be angry and to have a nice birthday. He then hung up. I didn't respond.
This morning, I texted him to say I had been sick and that he had mail, which I left on the front porch. No response from him. I called, but didn't leave a message. Again, no response from him.
Not sure what to make of all this. Part of me feels like he's being incredibly selfish and immature (as they say - "more will be revealed") and I certainly can't change him. However, is it possible that I overreacted due to my trust issues? A bit confused right now (and have a bit of a leftover migraine, which never helps) so some words of wisdom would be appreciated. Thanks so much, and I'm grateful for all of you.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Well, sounds like you are both doing a lot of mind reading.
I'm sure your history is making things very strained right now. Can you just let it be for a few days and not try to continue this volley of frustration you both seem to be feeling?
I'm sure your history is making things very strained right now. Can you just let it be for a few days and not try to continue this volley of frustration you both seem to be feeling?
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: New York City, NY
Posts: 45
Hi Lionhearted, I think I have typed this story out a million times on here but...my ABF has been gone for three weeks. He came to see me, I wasn't at home, so this is my "punishment".
Day 1, I also had a migraine and asked for his help in picking up my meds. No reply. 10 days later, my birthday, we were to go out of town. Nada.
I don't know if I'd feel better or worse had he called and left an angry message or just do nothing, as that's easiest for him. I was sad for a while, but then so hurt by it all, that now I have changed my number. I didn't want to risk waking up to angry messages or texts. I will get in touch if/when I am ready.
I don't think you have overreacted at all. It's so confusing, and hard to know what their reasoning is for this kind of BS. I too am going to Al-Anon 1-2 x per week, he is supposed to be in AA, but I have no idea haha!
Anyway, my only advice is, in a similar situation, is to go to meetings, stay on here, and have patience...enjoy the "quiet" time to get your head right. And I hope the migraine is gone too! Hugs!
Day 1, I also had a migraine and asked for his help in picking up my meds. No reply. 10 days later, my birthday, we were to go out of town. Nada.
I don't know if I'd feel better or worse had he called and left an angry message or just do nothing, as that's easiest for him. I was sad for a while, but then so hurt by it all, that now I have changed my number. I didn't want to risk waking up to angry messages or texts. I will get in touch if/when I am ready.
I don't think you have overreacted at all. It's so confusing, and hard to know what their reasoning is for this kind of BS. I too am going to Al-Anon 1-2 x per week, he is supposed to be in AA, but I have no idea haha!
Anyway, my only advice is, in a similar situation, is to go to meetings, stay on here, and have patience...enjoy the "quiet" time to get your head right. And I hope the migraine is gone too! Hugs!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 154
Well. It's my understanding that when you describe your xaf as being "off", you are alluding to your concerns that he was drunk. On that point, I have come to learn that my (our) intuition is usually to be trusted. That is to say, if you think he has been drinking--he's been drinking. It's hard to be drunk "under the radar."
If I were in your shoes (um, I usual am...), calculating his disappearance plus his mood swings sends up a big red flag. One that nags and nags because you can't really confirm it, but you don't want to do something "wrong" by being mad at him for nothing.
It's ok to be mad. It's ok to keep your boundaries and to say that his disappearance made you feel uneasy and that it affected you by reminding you he cannot be relied upon. Trust needs to be earned. Communicating with him--when you know he's sober--about your needs and feelings may help. Or it may help to detach from whatever drama he is trying to stir up with the phone calls and just try to relax and recover from your migranes and stress. YOU first!
If I were in your shoes (um, I usual am...), calculating his disappearance plus his mood swings sends up a big red flag. One that nags and nags because you can't really confirm it, but you don't want to do something "wrong" by being mad at him for nothing.
It's ok to be mad. It's ok to keep your boundaries and to say that his disappearance made you feel uneasy and that it affected you by reminding you he cannot be relied upon. Trust needs to be earned. Communicating with him--when you know he's sober--about your needs and feelings may help. Or it may help to detach from whatever drama he is trying to stir up with the phone calls and just try to relax and recover from your migranes and stress. YOU first!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
If it walks like a duck…….
Your intuition is most likely spot on. I am not sure what his work schedule is but is it normal for him to go to sleep at 6 pm?
Since he is aware of your medical issues his anger at your lack of response is ridiculous. So when he is "asleep" and doesn't respond that is ok but when you are sick and don't respond he gets pissed off??
Not buying it. I would say you got some blame shifting going on here - that he has recognized you might have picked up that he was drinking so now he is trying to deflect by getting angry at you.
Whatever. I hope you feel better and take care of yourself!
Your intuition is most likely spot on. I am not sure what his work schedule is but is it normal for him to go to sleep at 6 pm?
Since he is aware of your medical issues his anger at your lack of response is ridiculous. So when he is "asleep" and doesn't respond that is ok but when you are sick and don't respond he gets pissed off??
Not buying it. I would say you got some blame shifting going on here - that he has recognized you might have picked up that he was drinking so now he is trying to deflect by getting angry at you.
Whatever. I hope you feel better and take care of yourself!
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