HealthFirst

This is my first attempt at sobriety and I'm a few days short of three months. I am wondering why I can't count the days of not drinking more than two drinks instead of complete abstinence. My problem was the occasional blacking out, not so much daily drinking. I could drink just one here and there but occasionally would blackout. So why not count days that I am not blacking out so that I can enjoy an occasional cold beer or glass of wine? Grrrr

Dee74

Hi HealthFirst

What makes you think you have any power over not blacking out or not?

If you can take or leave drinking as you seem to be suggesting, what made you quit in the first place?

(I recommend you re-read your first post again to remind yourself)

Don't confuse a period of abstinence with control. The two are not the same thing.

D

Croissant

90 days was a killer for me too.

I had a drink. Nothing bad happened.

I felt good. This thing might be OK. I know how to stop now. That's good.

Within a week, I was on a binge....and scraping my way back to get sober was hard. I was hallucinating and all sorts of bad things. It was not pretty.

I don't count days much anymore....the point is moving forward into a sober life.

I know I can rack up sober days.....but how do I LIVE sober, and enjoy it? That's what I had to learn - not pine for my old drinking days.

Your drinking pattern sounds like mine. Believe me, the gaps in between blackout time gets fewer and fewer. I wish I'd stopped when I was at your stage. Alcoholism is progressive. It WILL get worse.

PurpleKnight

The problem would be is that 1 "cold beer" a fantasy that sounds wonderful in your mind or would the reality not be it would progress to more blacking out?

For me the myth of an occasional drink would never work, I would go back to drinking after a period of abstinence, but I hadn't been in some way cured or fixed, the same pattern and lack of control with alcohol would resume!!

Meraviglioso

I was thinking about this just this morning. I feel like the only way I can describe it is this. There is a monster inside of me that lives off alcohol, once that monster is awake I have ZERO control. The monster may decide one night that 1 drink is enough and I might even stay clear-headed and fine with the 1 drink, but that is not something I control, the monster controls that. Most nights the monster wants more, which again, is beyond my control. The only thing I can control is keeping the monster asleep by not giving it that first drop. I can control that. Once the monster is awake.... and all it takes is 1 drop... I no longer have control, it is pure luck if I end up with just a little alcohol in my system.

desypete

i call it dr Jekyll and mr hide. put the booze in me and watch me change into mr hyde
i am convinced the writer of that story was either an alcoholic or had seen people change in drink

no amount of me telling you the things i did in blackout will change anyones mind if there set on giving in to that craving they will
however what i have to do for me is remember why i gave up drinking and what the blackouts did to me

waking up in a police cell when i only wanted to go out for a couple of drinks is no fun
waking up with my home smashed up is no fun either
why would i behave like a raving loony when i was drunk ? and yet when sober i would be ok ?

then of course i would blame the drink and hope people would sympathize with me ( which the soon got fed up of)
but i can not blame the drink anymore as i know what the drink does to me
so if i decide to drink tonight and get drunk and end up in a mess tomorrow i can have no one to blame but me.

there is help out there if you want it

NoJimmy

Is there really any satisfaction in drinking 2 and stopping? There isn't for me. I think all of us have grappled with the unfairness of not being able to drink like normal people, but the fact is, we can't.
And tolerating occasional blackouts to enjoy a couple drinks when you want doesn't seem very reasonable to me. Not sure what your blackouts look like, but my last one nearly did me in. Good job on 90-days, I hope you stop negotiating with yourself and stay the coarse.

ReadyAtLast

I never saw the point of drinking 2 drinks. Once I have 1 I want to keep drinking. I CAN stop if I have to but I don't want to.

I can think of nothing more tortuous than making myself just drink 1 or 2 at a time. The control,the planning, the thought of more, the cravings, the temptation,the torture ,the incessant thoughts going round and round in my head ( oh go on just have another ) Over and over again. Will this be the time I have more? Will it be the time I black out? will I say and do something really bad? Will I drive? will I end up in hospital, jail, lose someone dear to me or hurt someone? When I wake in the morning did I do any of these things? what did I do or say. I can't remember. Nothing.

It is just easier not to drink at all.

ReadyAtLast

Many congrats on 90 days btw

IOAA2

This is the reason I so often say "if we don't pick up the first drink we don't have to try to get sober AGAIN."

Along with the fact that our ability to get sober diminishes a lot. There are so many trying to sober up again, I don't like the odds working against alcoholics.

BE WELL

IOAA2

Hi. If you’re an alcoholic it’s very difficult to drink even small amounts in safety. Very seldom can anyone do it for say a month. The way it works is total abstinence one day at a time.

When the fog lifts it’s usually time to work at recovery, meaning recognizing the triggers that try to get us to drink again so that we are not sucked in again.
Life will get better IF we let it.

BE WELL

ultradad

Yes, I didn't always blackout when I drank either, but I DID blackout when I drank and I NEVER knew which episode would lead to a blackout...that's powerlessness. Reminds me of the saying, "I didn't get in trouble every time I drank, but every time I got in trouble I had been drinking!

I am grateful today for my sobriety and my best day drunk doesn't compare to my worst day sober!

I think for you it sounds like an acceptance issue, you obviously think you have a problem so now it's accepting that and moving on instead of romanticizing the past. Trust me, I've been right where you are many times...that's the insanity of this disease, it convinces us that we can drink one or two and be okay.

Congrats on the progress you've already made and keep pushing forward my friend!

Croissant

I agree and disagree. It was the first time I had tried to get sober. You omitted part of my post - the part which says I needed to learn how to live sober and not pine for my drinking days.

I can tell you, I told myself the first drink was the kicker. That was not enough. I needed to like my life enough to not even WANT and pine for the first drink.

That's the difference and my experience when you see the whole context of what I posted, not just one snippet. I'm just sharing what my experience was. Telling myself don't take the first drink was not enough.

Fly N Buy

I can drink - moderately, occasionally, just at my birthday party, only when I am home, when friends are driving, on every other Tuesday, only when I don't blackout, anytime a rerun of Seinfeld is on, just at bar-b-q's, lite beer, craft beer, NA beer, less liquor, liquor I don't like cause that slows me wayyyy down and only on weekends!!

90 days is the toughest part many people have reported. I don't know you, or your history - but if you admitted to yourself your an alcoholic, why are you debating>>?? If you haven't admitted this, maybe your not??

It seems you have to come to terms with that - blackouts would be a pretty good indication of issues with booooze!!!

Congrat's on approaching 90 days - There are a lot of people here that need to see you make it! If you don't do it for yourself do it for US!!!

Thanks,

Johnston

I have successfully moderated before...up to the point I couldn't anymore. And the stickler there is I can't predict when that time will arrive. Abstinence is my only option in the long term.

SoberHoopsFan

Your AV is trying to trick you, plain and simple. YOU know why you quit, it was the reason you joined this site, and the laundry list of reasons why you decided to stop drinking alcohol in the first place. But that other part of you wants to drink with no remorse until you are in the grave, and the only way it can do that is to get its foot in the door, by offering you a bargain, "two drinks here and there, you aren't blacking out that way, it won't even count." That bargain is a lie. It wants more, it wants the blackout days, and if you start with those two drinks, it'll eventually get back there.

kaonashi

I could definitely have two drinks today and stop. But here's a guarantee- it will end the same way. Big night, out of nowhere, get ridiculously drunk and then who knows. Usually it wasn't too bad, I could laugh it off. Man I was messed up last night, that was crazy. Days turn into years and years a decade or two. And then all your friends and all your activities have some loose connection to drinking. Even the marathon was trained for and run with the expectation that I would have a monster beer at the finish. I deserve it. And then the friends move on and it's better to just drink at home. Easier. And then it gets ugly.

That's my story as a binge drinker (and alcoholic).

I was so excited to get to 90 days. F' yeah. I made it! 90 days. But then all of a sudden it became so hard. I questioned everything. Felt awful, so bad. But kept going and am so happy I did.

Getting to 90 days is amazing but the journey is just beginning. Stick with it. The best is yet to come.

Confuzd

I agree. The AA Big Book says some alcoholics may have periods of controlled drinking, followed by periods of even less control where the drinking is worse than ever. Another thing to consider is, if you start drinking again, then want to get sober again, the withdrawals may be much worse than before. In the last 2 years I tried quitting "cold turkey" 4 times, the first two times I barely had any withdrawals other than some trouble sleeping. The third time I felt pretty bad, shakes, sweats, anxiety, couldn't sleep but I was still able to go to work. The fourth time, I had only been drinking for a few weeks, but I knew this time was going to be bad, so I did a taper, this time I felt so ill I could not go to work anymore and in my mental state I felt unable to call in sick so I lost my job. Never would I have thought I would be in this situation as a young woman in my 20's. I don't know what it would be like, if I started drinking again, but I suspect either the drinking, or the detoxing, would be even worse than ever. I did not even drink as heavily as some others, up to 10 beers/shots on Fri, and 3 - 5 beers the other days. For me, it's easier to stay sober than to get sober. It seems to me like you are concerned about "counting" the number of days you have where your drinking causes you problems vs. the number of days where drinking doesn't cause you problems. This is playing with fire. It's not about counting days, it's about your life. If you don't drink today, you won't black out today, of that you can be certain.

crisco

Look, I surrender to the total fact that I cannot drink any booze what so ever. I still hang out with my old friends but I realize that I completely different than they area.

I cannot control my urge to drink or take pills. And I also know that I need the individual steps to remember sober.

I now go to meetings because I want to go to meetings. When you get your "fix" off meetings, you know that you have recovered.

And then bringing around alcohol will fade away and you will no longer to worry about the temptetation to drink as you long a vital spiritual program.

ForgetfulKevin

HealthFirst, congratulations on almost 90 days!

Not sure if you were asking permission or just venting rhetorically, but thanks for your post and the responses that followed. It's a good topic for probably all of us in early recovery.