How does the 2nd or 3rd wife deal with the AH
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Tucson Arizona
Posts: 23
How does the 2nd or 3rd wife deal with the AH
Okay, I'm writing this post because I cannot get any direct answers. I am the first wife and I spent so much time trying to "fix" my exah (12 years) and although I'm the one that kicked him out and filed for divorce and know with 100% accuracy that I would never ever take him back (as he tried many times to come back) and I have grown so much and finally have got my confidence back and self esteem back and everything else back that an A takes from a normie I am having a hard time understanding that he can just go hook his claws into what seems like a perfectly normal person and get get married on the fly.
In otherwords, A's always make the normie feel like they drink because of us (which we know is not true) and then they find someone else and basically say "see, it was all your fault". I know that not to be true but why do I still feel like it is?
I don't know whether my exah is drinking or not as he is living 1600 miles away but I just have such a hard time believing that he suddenly straightened up after we spent years and years putting him in rehabs, home remedies, at home detoxes, medical detoxes and everything in between.
Are A's that good at fooling the new person that they can actually pull it off like nothing is wrong with them?
I guess this post is to get some insight from recovering A's as well as the 2nd or 3rd wife that fell for the trap. I see a lot of posts on here from 1st wives such as myself but never hear from the ones that picked up where we left off.
Maybe the 2nd and 3rd or even 4th don't want to admit that the problem still existed but it would sure be helpful to understand the dynamics of what happens from one wife to the next.
In otherwords, A's always make the normie feel like they drink because of us (which we know is not true) and then they find someone else and basically say "see, it was all your fault". I know that not to be true but why do I still feel like it is?
I don't know whether my exah is drinking or not as he is living 1600 miles away but I just have such a hard time believing that he suddenly straightened up after we spent years and years putting him in rehabs, home remedies, at home detoxes, medical detoxes and everything in between.
Are A's that good at fooling the new person that they can actually pull it off like nothing is wrong with them?
I guess this post is to get some insight from recovering A's as well as the 2nd or 3rd wife that fell for the trap. I see a lot of posts on here from 1st wives such as myself but never hear from the ones that picked up where we left off.
Maybe the 2nd and 3rd or even 4th don't want to admit that the problem still existed but it would sure be helpful to understand the dynamics of what happens from one wife to the next.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
My ex husband continued on his way and never remarried.
My second partner, who was on the verge of alcoholism when I met him, went on to meet a couple of great loves, then sunk deeper into alcoholism, married a mail order bride, beat her. I would not be surprised if he is dead now.
Both of these were before I myself became a drinker.
I guess my main question is, does it matter? Really? And if it does, would some counselling help? Perhaps you are still carrying some feelings that it was somehow your fault? Building a new life for yourself and moving on, was what helped me get through the insults hurled at me by the alcoholics I knew.
My second partner, who was on the verge of alcoholism when I met him, went on to meet a couple of great loves, then sunk deeper into alcoholism, married a mail order bride, beat her. I would not be surprised if he is dead now.
Both of these were before I myself became a drinker.
I guess my main question is, does it matter? Really? And if it does, would some counselling help? Perhaps you are still carrying some feelings that it was somehow your fault? Building a new life for yourself and moving on, was what helped me get through the insults hurled at me by the alcoholics I knew.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I'm the first wife, too, but I'd guess it probably depends on the A and the next girl....
From my reading into the words they'd throw at me, AXH played the victim role with the next GF: "My ex-wife (tho I wasn't an ex) left me in the lurch. She took my boy and she won't let me see him." The GF liked(s) to party, so she didn't initially see a problem with his drinking. And when she started to have a problem with it, it was all my fault. So, I'm guessing she stuck it out for as long as she did because 1. She didn't believe he was an A (and said so at our divorce hearing). And 2. She wanted to help this poor, greatly wronged, wonderful man.
I can't say for certain, though...
I do know that I wondered if it was just me... Was I so horrid a wife that he couldn't stop drinking? She let him move in with her and her kids so fast... Was she so wonderful that he could do it for her? The answer is that his drinking has nothing to do with either of us, it's his.
From my reading into the words they'd throw at me, AXH played the victim role with the next GF: "My ex-wife (tho I wasn't an ex) left me in the lurch. She took my boy and she won't let me see him." The GF liked(s) to party, so she didn't initially see a problem with his drinking. And when she started to have a problem with it, it was all my fault. So, I'm guessing she stuck it out for as long as she did because 1. She didn't believe he was an A (and said so at our divorce hearing). And 2. She wanted to help this poor, greatly wronged, wonderful man.
I can't say for certain, though...
I do know that I wondered if it was just me... Was I so horrid a wife that he couldn't stop drinking? She let him move in with her and her kids so fast... Was she so wonderful that he could do it for her? The answer is that his drinking has nothing to do with either of us, it's his.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 16
I have seen it too, I picked up where his ex-wife left off and now I am the bad guy after 20 years of giving my best "to fix him". There are a few people in my life that has seen the truth up close, he was very careful to appear normal. It will probably happen to his third wife too if he finds another. For me he is very believable..that was the problem. I found that the cycle continues in every relationship if using and now I know the disease goes on to effect anyone he is close to if not in recovery.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Even if he did sober up with wife #12, she didn't have the magic touch to make it happen. He would have finally decided that it hurt too much to carry on in his current state, and changed himself. But regardless of which wife it is/was/could be, aren't you glad you aren't his babysitter anymore?
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: OREGON
Posts: 228
He was the victim. Always the victim. In fact one of this favorite things to say was.... With what I have been through.... AND.... Like everything else in my life that has changed in the past three years.... AND.... I lost everything (not his fault).... I talked to him about the victim role and if we live like that, how it holds us back.... that was during the last month and a half before he became emotionally abusive and passive aggressive even more so than normal when he was angry...
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Recovered alcoholic here. My views on a few of your points, some may not be very popular here:
A's cannot make you feel anything, but we can try like hell. Even if you do feel it, it is your choice to wallow in that feeling, or move on.
Yes, we are that good at it.
I don't get why this even in your consciousness at this point. You need to move on like I said earlier. Even if you had all these answers, what good would it do you? (unless you plan to marry another alcoholic)? You need to be thankful that you are out of this marriage and realize it is someone else's problem now.
A's always make the normie feel like they drink because of us
Are A's that good at fooling the new person that they can actually pull it off like nothing is wrong with them?
I guess this post is to get some insight from recovering A's as well as the 2nd or 3rd wife that fell for the trap. I see a lot of posts on here from 1st wives such as myself but never hear from the ones that picked up where we left off.
Maybe the 2nd and 3rd or even 4th don't want to admit that the problem still existed but it would sure be helpful to understand the dynamics of what happens from one wife to the next
Maybe the 2nd and 3rd or even 4th don't want to admit that the problem still existed but it would sure be helpful to understand the dynamics of what happens from one wife to the next
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
You see this type behavior in more than just alcoholism. For examples partners who say they will never marry or have children and then move on to someone else and do.
I think changing people, places and things is pertinent here. Sometimes that includes a marriage that has other issues aside from the alcoholism. Sometimes the sober spouse is so sick with codependency and enabling and does not address that.
Perhaps one does hit their rock bottom after a divorce and gets it together. I don't think one would expect a phone call to say "hey thanks for divorcing me I finally got my life together".
Whether or not he is sober and got his life straight who knows. It was never your fault.
I think changing people, places and things is pertinent here. Sometimes that includes a marriage that has other issues aside from the alcoholism. Sometimes the sober spouse is so sick with codependency and enabling and does not address that.
Perhaps one does hit their rock bottom after a divorce and gets it together. I don't think one would expect a phone call to say "hey thanks for divorcing me I finally got my life together".
Whether or not he is sober and got his life straight who knows. It was never your fault.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
Because he got married does not mean he is healthy. Try your hardest to make peace with this and let go, for yourself. Look at it as a blessing you are out. It wont take away your pain to hear he is no better of a man with her. It just does not matter. Focus on you.
I have spent/wasted so much time trying to figure out the mind of my separated AH. I can never get that time back.
I have spent/wasted so much time trying to figure out the mind of my separated AH. I can never get that time back.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Good morning Bye Bye Baby,
I don't have the answers, but I can share my observations.
When I went to my H's rehab, I attended an AA meeting and they had lined up a dynamic speaker. The rehab audience was eating out of his hand. I could see a subtext of grandstanding his bottom, and showboating his recovery. When he ended his story remarking that he had a wonderful new family and was once again successful in living a life. Codie wife me was wondering, "Where is wife #1 and the first flush of offspring?" I looked around and was not particularly surprised to see the greasy feeling this guy gave me was not apparently shared by others in the audience. As we started to leave, someone asked him a question about making peace with his first family and he dismissed them with a shrug. A SHRUG! I wanted to smack him on their behalf! That shrug hid half a lifetime of hurting others that he was supposed to care for! That shrug confirmed for me he still was a selfish jerk at some level - he'd just learned to adapt his need for attention to a recovery lifestyle. I wished that wife 1 or some of his grown kids got to speak AFTER his story! That was what I needed for MY recovery - the truth of those left behind with a lifetime of rebuilding.
Emotionally there is something wrong with both Addicts AND Codies. We are like magnets. I think I can get these voids into living a real emotional life. I see through the fake shimmer story of work a holics and alcoholics. I seem to pick ACOAs out as if I can read their aura. In all reality I am a ACOA too so it must take one to know one.
I've got one and really there is no point in swapping out bc as long as this one stays sober, I have my mental puzzle which for a time I thought was my calling - to get these people in touch with their emotions and live a more true life. As if my own emotional life should come second to theirs? Why do I think I should sacrifice myself on their behalf? Now I focus on me and my recovery.
But I am seriously amused when I meet a guy and I get a zing of interest and I know - somehow this person has that same inner core issue.
Focus on you. Be very cautious of picking your next relationship... Because chances are you are drawn to a type. Normies I don't even feel attracted to. I hunt the broken.
I don't have the answers, but I can share my observations.
When I went to my H's rehab, I attended an AA meeting and they had lined up a dynamic speaker. The rehab audience was eating out of his hand. I could see a subtext of grandstanding his bottom, and showboating his recovery. When he ended his story remarking that he had a wonderful new family and was once again successful in living a life. Codie wife me was wondering, "Where is wife #1 and the first flush of offspring?" I looked around and was not particularly surprised to see the greasy feeling this guy gave me was not apparently shared by others in the audience. As we started to leave, someone asked him a question about making peace with his first family and he dismissed them with a shrug. A SHRUG! I wanted to smack him on their behalf! That shrug hid half a lifetime of hurting others that he was supposed to care for! That shrug confirmed for me he still was a selfish jerk at some level - he'd just learned to adapt his need for attention to a recovery lifestyle. I wished that wife 1 or some of his grown kids got to speak AFTER his story! That was what I needed for MY recovery - the truth of those left behind with a lifetime of rebuilding.
Emotionally there is something wrong with both Addicts AND Codies. We are like magnets. I think I can get these voids into living a real emotional life. I see through the fake shimmer story of work a holics and alcoholics. I seem to pick ACOAs out as if I can read their aura. In all reality I am a ACOA too so it must take one to know one.
I've got one and really there is no point in swapping out bc as long as this one stays sober, I have my mental puzzle which for a time I thought was my calling - to get these people in touch with their emotions and live a more true life. As if my own emotional life should come second to theirs? Why do I think I should sacrifice myself on their behalf? Now I focus on me and my recovery.
But I am seriously amused when I meet a guy and I get a zing of interest and I know - somehow this person has that same inner core issue.
Focus on you. Be very cautious of picking your next relationship... Because chances are you are drawn to a type. Normies I don't even feel attracted to. I hunt the broken.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Tucson Arizona
Posts: 23
These are some great replies. I should go a little deeper as to why I'm even having an issue with this. My exah moved back home because he lost everything here. We were civil to each other for months prior to him leaving and mostly because he wanted me back so bad and kept promising to get better (promises he made at least 2 dozen times during our marriage) and was also one of the reasons he said he was going home because they had better "free" services for recovery.
He thanked me up and down for my continued support, blah blah blah. He also had several stipulations in our divorce decree that he had to abide by before he could have over night visits with the kids but he never completed them before leaving.
Now, he is suddenly saying that he wants the kids, for extended periods of time and he wants to go to court to modify parenting time and child support (he hasn't paid anything). And now, I went from the most wonderful person in the world to the crazy bitch and it makes me so mad that after everything I chose to put up with that I am once again the target of his issues.
So, having said all of that, if he had simply went away and started a new life I wouldn't give a damn but when he's over there setting up his "fantasy world" and convincing everyone how awful I am for keeping the kids from him and that everything is my fault and dragging me back into his psychotic world it makes me extremely frustrated.
This is why I asked about the 2nd or 3rd wife, not because I care whether he gets better with them but if they have experienced any of the fooling a A can do and if and when they found out the truth or did they even suspect anything, etc. My exah is extremely good at convincing others that he is the victim so how come others can't see through it as I did, finally.
I know I will get replies saying to not play his games and to detach, etc. but it's not easy when I have to defend myself in court. In otherwords, if he was simply talking s&*t about me, who cares, but he is going beyond that and making me go back to court.
P.S. he is not quite married yet, I think it's about 3 weeks out but that is not the point, the point is that he is "setting" himself up to "look" good.
He thanked me up and down for my continued support, blah blah blah. He also had several stipulations in our divorce decree that he had to abide by before he could have over night visits with the kids but he never completed them before leaving.
Now, he is suddenly saying that he wants the kids, for extended periods of time and he wants to go to court to modify parenting time and child support (he hasn't paid anything). And now, I went from the most wonderful person in the world to the crazy bitch and it makes me so mad that after everything I chose to put up with that I am once again the target of his issues.
So, having said all of that, if he had simply went away and started a new life I wouldn't give a damn but when he's over there setting up his "fantasy world" and convincing everyone how awful I am for keeping the kids from him and that everything is my fault and dragging me back into his psychotic world it makes me extremely frustrated.
This is why I asked about the 2nd or 3rd wife, not because I care whether he gets better with them but if they have experienced any of the fooling a A can do and if and when they found out the truth or did they even suspect anything, etc. My exah is extremely good at convincing others that he is the victim so how come others can't see through it as I did, finally.
I know I will get replies saying to not play his games and to detach, etc. but it's not easy when I have to defend myself in court. In otherwords, if he was simply talking s&*t about me, who cares, but he is going beyond that and making me go back to court.
P.S. he is not quite married yet, I think it's about 3 weeks out but that is not the point, the point is that he is "setting" himself up to "look" good.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 16
I know I am tired of babysitting. I read so much good stuff here that I say over to myself since I am a codie..one that is keeping me strong now before my big move is: If he is burning down the house, would I stay? No one is meant to follow a grown man around with a dust pan, fire extinguisher and huggies.
I am sure he put his first family through a lot and they are adicts as well. I just believe that after decades of trying and not knowing the problem...it is now time to take care of me. I believe everyone deserves happiness.
I am sure he put his first family through a lot and they are adicts as well. I just believe that after decades of trying and not knowing the problem...it is now time to take care of me. I believe everyone deserves happiness.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello,
So if he never made good on the first set of requirements, and he never pays CS, what leg does he really have to stand on? Is he really going to court or is this just bluster to look good?
Watch and wait... More will be revealed. To be honest a few of my friends became friends with the new wife. BC they helped smooth over visits and noticed things that needed to be done.
So if he never made good on the first set of requirements, and he never pays CS, what leg does he really have to stand on? Is he really going to court or is this just bluster to look good?
Watch and wait... More will be revealed. To be honest a few of my friends became friends with the new wife. BC they helped smooth over visits and noticed things that needed to be done.
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