Acheleus

At almost nine months sober I find myself in a relationship that makes me unhappy. My gf won't have sex with me. She is a sober alki. I hate her because she doesn't care and I don't know what to do. If I drink I know she will leave me alone. I'm ******* miserable with this person. I don't know what to do. I don't feel like she cares about me and I ******* hate my life and my self. I just want to get away from her. I can't drink though.

suki44883

You have the right to end the relationship if you are so unhappy. Couples break up all the time. If you are not tied legally, you can choose to leave anytime you want. Hopefully, you will do it in a decent manner, but in any case, if you are so miserable, then you have a choice to make.

ScottFromWI

I would recommend taking a step back from the relationship Acheleus. Nine months is a great stretch of sobriety and it would be a shame to end that now. It's also potentially too early to be in a relationship at all, you have had issues with this in the past too. Time to rethink this and concentrate on keeping yourself safe.

lilgolden73

End it!!!

Croissant

Ache...what's happening here? You seem to be stressing yourself about everything. Last week you were worried she would drink when you leave, now this?

I don't know if you are just venting or want advice? So please disregard the following if it's not what you want to hear...

I just don't see, from what you've written in your posts, how this relationship is helping your sobriety. Its OK to leave. It's OK for this to be about you.

What more permission do you need? Not starting a new relationship in early in sobriety is suggested for a reason. We are only just figuring out who WE are, what WE want. To add another persons wants and needs just confuses things. Your girlfriend is in early sobriety too, so if she doesn't feel like sex, then she should feel free to express that too.

This is all sounding not right for both of you right now.

But you've received that advice before and ignored it. So again, I'm not sure....maybe you just start these threads to vent?

Dee74

I'm not sure whether you're just venting or not either to be honest.

I remember you were worried about you moving on to another school some distance away - not sure how much that has to play in all of this.

A week ago you said you loved her very much...so again I'm not sure where you're coming from....but Ach, old son, if you really want to break up with this woman, if you have distinct reasonable reasons, if you're truly just done with it and this is not you sabotaging something good because it scares you...then break up.

But face her and tell her why.

Drinking about it so she'll break up with you would be a cowardly way to end it.

D

Acheleus

I guess I don't know who I am so I need time alone. I'm sad and confused but I don't want to drink. Sorry for venting. I'm so glad I am almost nine months sober. I graduated today and I'm moving to a new city tomorrow. My gf won't be in my new city so maybe the relationship will fall apart. This week I will spend some alone time and refocus my commitment to my sobriety and my future. Sorry again. Thank you for the help.

Dee74

No need to apologise at all Ach This is what SR is about. Hope we helped

D

Croissant

OK, so the move is tomorrow and the refusal of goodbye intimacy hurt. That's understandable.

Congrats on graduating. The ending of the relationship is not a failure.

Who knows what the future will bring.

Don't apologise for venting, I just flagged it because sometimes when people offer suggestions, the OP shrieks, hey, I was only venting! I don't want people to fix me!

PurpleKnight

Hey Ach, no shame in taking a step back from a relationship, it'll be beneficial in the longrun!!

Hawkeye13

You know, learning how to share your feelings in a healthy way if part of recovery.

You also have the handy convenience of leaving town to start a new chapter of your life.

There is no obligation to stay with a partner with whom you no longer feel connected.

Protecting your sobriety and getting on to Law School sober is the focus here.
Do what you need to do with the relationship. If you can face her honestly and
tell her that you are breaking up, then do it.

If that's too much and may cause a relapse, than just leave.

Don't use it as an excuse to drink no matter what.
Don't use it as an excuse to drink no matter what.
Don't use it as an excuse to drink no matter what.

You got this Ach if you don't sabotage yourself.
So don't my friend.

Look forward to your new life

Nuudawn

Hey Ache, my friend. Some wonderful supportive thoughts here..
I too am of the opinion that your very move away will allow you the immediate space to assess things...
Your feelings confuse me a bit too yet your use of the word "hate" when speaking of her points more to feelings of hurt, rejection. I'm thinking you're hating the way this relationship makes YOU feel abut YOU. If she doesn't want to have sex with you, I understand that you may feel rejected...abandoned..etc etc.

I'm glad the time has come for you to move and take some breathing room. You need to own your own feelings in this here. It seems to me that you are allowing her every possible action to say something about you... she doesn't want to have sex, (rejection) the relationship may not survive if you move (abandonment)....

Let go a little...breathe...try to have faith in allowing life to unfold as it should...you can't control this...no matter how badly you want to..
Yes, you can "sabotage" EVERYTHING...the relationship, your self, your life, your career by drinking (that is the twisted "control" of the wounded, terrified person..)

Breathe..let go...stop focusing EVERYTHING on this relationship...
Stay sober
Stay present

jdooner

I have not read all the posts but since I first started reading your posts over 9 months ago its always been about your need to be desired. I empathize with this desire, its basic. For me it was due to a childhood where nurture was not provided to the extent that I needed to properly develop.

When you asked about getting into a relationship 9 months ago, I think most of the responses said it was a mistake. Now with clarity and context, perhaps you can understand why many of us suggested this. I liken it to getting sober by working out - we project into the workouts, which is great albeit mentally unhealthy and when we sprain out ankle we risk our program.

Jumping into a relationship when we are not right risks codependency as we don't understand ourselves and therefore, cannot understand how to love or be with someone else. We confuse emotions and it sounds like this is the case here.

She is not the problem. Until you can love yourself I don't think you will ever be capable of hang a healthy relationship with a woman. As such, I suggest maybe taking a few steps back, letting her go and doing some real work on Achelus.

Be Well.

SoberHoopsFan

I actually disagree here. Maybe it isn't wise to jump right into a relationship when getting sober (because of too many changes at once), but ninety nine% of "normal society" (aka non-alkies and addicts) struggle with relationships too, and many act absolute batsh*t crazy over them. People are headcases when it comes to emotions and relationships, it's not limited to us. I'm not sure why the prevailing notion around here is that we are special or somehow incapable of having relationships while the rest of society are experts. It's simply untrue. More sober time may make you a more stable person, but it will not give you any expertise in having and maintaining a romantic relationship. I wouldn't be surprised if the OP had waited the 12 months to form a relationship (as many would be quick to suggest), then 9 months into it, was still having these exact same ups and downs simply because of his personality, some people are rollercoasters when it comes to emotions. Just my 2 cents...

Mountainmanbob

just does not sound like a healthy place to be
for either one of you

bailing out and concentrating on your sobriety sounds best at this time

MM

soberjuly

The thing is, whether it's 9 days, 9 weeks, 9 months or 9 years...problems will arise and so you deal with them. It's not like, oh it's time to drink because x,y,z...

So your GF doesn't want to have sex today...does she need to always want it? Maybe she has her reasons.

I was hit by a truck when I was 15. They told me mother I wouldn't live through the day. Then they said, if I ever came out of a coma I would be in a vegetative state. I did come out of the coma and eventually got better to a point the doctors never realized possible. I had to learn how to walk, talk, read and write all over again. My mother's pain, she kept in.

Her father died the same month I was hit by a truck.

Ok, that sucks. Your daughter has almost died and will be brain injured the rest of her life and your father dies within a 2 week period.

She's never drank. She's never been on ADs. She drinks a ridiculous amount of iced tea and goes on long walks. She says her walks are her therapy.

Just change the way you deal with stress/problems.

You just graduated, moving to a new city...what could be better? Oh, being sober and moving to a new city.

A new city is a new start. Don't mess it up. Don't be the new drunk guy in town. This is your opportunity to turn your life around.

Anna

Acheleus, I hope that things become clearer to you as you move away and move on with your life.

ReadyAtLast

I agree with others advising that this is a great opportunity for you.

I moved countries when I was 4 months sober.I have a new life and effectively re-invented myself. I don't drink and I have new friends whose lives don't revolve around alcohol. I've grown within myself and with others since moving which I would not have done had I been drinking.

Moving is the best thing I have ever done. It was planned but coincided with early sobriety for me. Please take full advantage of this great opportunity you have. Not everyone gets the opportunity to start afresh and re-invent themselves. Be the best sober you you can be

EndGameNYC

What I've been reading is that people who are sober are better equipped to cut their losses when things go sideways, are more prepared to work through relationships after accumulating some sober time, and make better choices in terms of their partners after achieving sobriety.

The biased notion that "ninety nine% of "normal society" (aka non-alkies and addicts) struggle with relationships too, and many act absolute batsh*t crazy over them" does not mean that one is therefore necessarily prepared to manage an intimate interpersonal relationship in early sobriety. Being "******* crazy" because you're either an addict or not does not qualify anyone for being a responsible partner. This bias also neglects the very real experience that we are in very poor shape to manage very much -- including our own lives -- after simply putting down the drink, and dismisses out of hand the deleterious effects of distracting ourselves from the work that's necessary to achieve sobriety.

The wisdom that you deny is coming from people who've been there; not from some prefab prejudice. The last thing any of us needs in early sobriety is increasing stress, mounting conflicts and further assaults from our own feelings.

Your argument comes down to this: "The rest of the world is just as good as screwing up relationships as we are, so why not just jump in before you've even given any real effort to getting yourself together?" Bad for me, bad for anyone I bring into my life.

I apologize for going OT, but this is an issue, in my opinion, that is worth revisiting, despite the fact that it may not directly help the OP.

Dee74

Normal people won't go off the deep end and drink for 2 years straight after a break up tho?

I still can't remember 1998-9.

I think waiting on relationships is a great suggestion.

I was one hot mess when I got sober. I'd never been an adult.

If I'd met my wife any sooner I think I would have been inflicting myself upon her...

as it was, we had quite a few bumpy roads, but I had just enough personal growth after getting sober for us to make it work.

D