Combakkid

I am really starting to learn of my own dysfunction and have really started to look at if I have ever had a healthy relationship in my entire life. I honestly don't think I have. I am working on the focusing and doing more for myself part of recovery which so far has been really hard for me especially with 4 kids at home. I am really struggling with spending any money or time on myself. My birthday is coming up in a few days and my dad got me a gift card to use for clothes as I really haven't bought clothes for myself in 7 years or more. I have gone out looking, found some cute things but the guilt of spending it on myself makes me put it back every time. I guess I have had the focus on my kids and AH for so long and their needs, but the guilt is just so strong right now. Sorry if this post seems shallow just having a hard time right now putting myself forward. Thanks for listening.

LadyinBC

You are not being shallow. It is VERY important that you focus on yourself and your needs.

Get a girlfriend, take that gift card, and go get yourself some new clothes! Make it a celebration for yourself. There is nothing wrong with making things all about you sometimes. We all need it .

DoubleDragons

Fake it til you make it, Comba!! Now that I have taken better care of myself, I have fewer resentments which makes it easier for me to pleasantly take care of my husband and children. Would you want your children to not allow themselves to buy any new clothes in seven years?!?

happybeingme

If it makes you feel better after you go shopping pick up a thing of ice cream and some chocolate syrup for a family treat.
Comba you need new clothes and your dad wants to help you during this time. Take the card and pick up what you need. A new outfit really can help us feel better and more confident.

You are worthy and you do deserve it. Ok?

Missus

You could start small ... a therapist I saw years ago set me a task to do someone for myself each day. Just something small, but it had to be for me. Looking back I can see I was a codie then but didn't have the word for it, all I knew was I was so busy doing stuff for my husband and son I didn't have time left over for me. If you start with a little treat for yourself each day, you'll get up to using that gift card in no time :-)

AnvilheadII

i don't think all of that is guilt....you've had to watch and manage so much for so long and try to keep it all from falling apart, that now that there is a respite, you still don't feel secure in RELAXING and not being on GUARD.

so you take that gift card, cuz it did not come out of your budget, and you go and get yourself something - and you just created a new small path to doing things for YOU.
we have to start new habits SOMEWHERE.
take up a new workout program and three days later you can't move.
but if you KEEP working out, if you keep repeating the same new behaviors/actions......after a while, they aren't so new and awkward. they start to feel "normal"

so you do one thing. hack the new path with the machete....it will be easier next time!

CodeJob

It is for your birthday. Honor your dad's love and use it on you. You are worth it.

FireSprite

For me, it was a little at a time. I had to let go in baby steps I guess. It took me a while of continually hammering the thought, "self-care is not selfish!" into my head over & over. (especially when it arrives in the form of a gift card, lol!!)

You might get a lot out of searching through the archives for this forum & reading how others have struggled & overcome these kinds of issues with self-care. (((hugs))) It's not shallow at all.

dandylion

CodeJob makes a good point.....just think of how good your dad will feel about your getting those new clothes. If you really want to make hem feel good...call and tell him how good it felt to be able to buy some new clothes and not have to worry about the cost.

dandylion

ladyscribbler

I remember that exact feeling. I've gotten over it by taking baby steps in the self care area. You don't have to spend the whole gift card at once. Maybe just pick out one thing you really need and buy that. Also what helped me was to donate my old, raggedy stuff (which was pretty much all of it) to Salvation Army or Goodwill, then replace each raggedy item with something nice. That way you're practicing good self care and doing something good for others.

Combakkid

Thank you all for the support. I am doing well on the disengaging part of dealing with my AH which is oddly enough causing my AH to be nicer. However, I really struggle with the self care parts of all this. Not basic hygine stuff, but all the rest. As a kid, I was abused, neglected, and essentially abandoned. I have very few (like around 5) memories of my childhood and the rest have been repressed very deep down. With everything that I am learning, more and more is coming back which has been equally rough especially under the microscope of 4 kids 24/7. I never really realized how much all that turned me into such a people pleaser. I always thought "if I just do a little more, give a little more" mentality yet I have never applied that to myself and always felt I was selfish if I were too. I guess it is just more one day at a time and keep plugging away at putting my own pieces back together.

NWGRITS

It can be really hard, especially if you still have any bits of dysfunctional relationships left in your life. How quickly that self-care gets turned around to "you only think about yourself." I have a hard time just taking a bath after a long day to unwind. A bath. How ridiculous is that? I've had an Amazon gift card for a year and a half and still haven't used it. I can never spend money on myself. I've been eyeing things for the kids or my husband instead. If we told normies these things, they'd think we were crazy. Being a codie is its own kind of crazy.

Itchy

Welcome to the world of cracked pots!

A water bearer had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot
arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for
which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own
imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of
what it had been made to do.

After 2 yrs of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream." I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you. I have been able to deliver only half my load becausethis crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts, " the pot said.

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only
on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I
have always known about your flaw, and I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you've watered them.

For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate
the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be
this beauty to grace the house.

Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them.
Blessed are the flexible, for they cannot be bent out of shape.
Blessings to ALL my crackpot friends.

And that says it all but should also say that it gives us the goal of embracing ourselves for the flowers we grew. Sometimes, not even knowing.

LadyinBC

I want to know if you used that gift card yet!

Combakkid

I have spent about a fourth of it so far. Laughable I know, but it is progress I have been having a hard time getting out to go shop with the kids starting school and my youngest just had his birthday. Planning on doing some more today and tomorrow.

lillamy

Progress is where it's at!!!

I've financially had to cut corners and that's contributed to me every time thinking "yes, this is a really cute shirt, but if I DON'T spend the $12 on it, I can take the kids out for ice cream." Like doing something for me is robbing them of something. It's gotten to the point where the kids even tell me "Mom, you need to do something for yourself."

I remind myself that it's important not just to practice self-care, but also to model it for the kids. For me, getting my workouts in is the most important self-care. The kids sometimes don't like that I go to the gym instead of hanging out with them and watching a movie -- and I still feel guilty, but I tell them "this is something I need to do to feel better." (And I can't tell you how often I've wondered if I could spend the $10/month for a gym better... )

m1k3

For me the guilt is tied to self esteem. I don't deserve to get something new or nice or just for me. I don't deserve to be happy.

It has taken me a while to get to a point where I can love myself enough to go out and get things, that I can afford, just for me. You know, it's a great feeling when you buy yourself a gift.

Your friend,

Combakkid

I feel both of those lillamy and M1k3. I always feel I am depriving my kids by doing something for me although deep down I know their needs are met for the most part. I also feel I don't deserve to get something given the situation it find myself in. I still feel guilty for putting myself into this situation, but everyday that I am on SR and continue my courage to change and Codependant no more books I feel a little less guilty.

LadyinBC

Progress is good! It is good to spoil yourself sometimes and I'm glad you are doing it.

It's good for your self esteem.

WendyOR

I was thinking of this earlier and this just reminded me of something. I remember when I had cancer. I was very involved in my non denominational church at the time I was diagnosed. I helped do many things around the church or people within the church. That first year was a tough one... 29 and sick with two small ones. I worked while having cancer, as much as I could as I did not receive child support.... I had no choice... and in reality it kept me going as I did not want to waste my time with a pity party... I wanted my babies fed and clothed. Between medical expenses and just regular bills, I was falling behind. I was getting myself really upset. People in the church started to ask my pastor what they could do to help me... and they would give him a gift card to a grocery store to give me etc.... and when he would give it to me... I would say... no no no. I am ok. Thank you but no thank you. Or I would get that chin quiver and the eyes would begin to well up.... oh I was a mess. I would say, give it to someone that needs it. I have a job, my babies are fed. About four weeks into this weekly routine, he took me into a room off the entry. I felt the tears start immediately. He gave it to me this way.... Wendy, Christ lives through people and deeds. The water well began.... He said, you know when you give to others, how good that feels? I was in agreement. He told me that was a gift God put into my spirit, to be a giver, and it is an act of love God is using me to deliver. He told me when I deny this from others... it is an act of God that I am rejecting, and I am rejecting people who are listening to God in their hearts. Then I was a mess.

I am telling you this as it made sense to me this way. Did his words make logic to me...? Absolutely. I am still not good with it at all.... but thought I would share that side of the coin.