Mambamama

Had my last drink three weeks ago today. I don't miss it at all right now. I did have some cravings the first 1.5 weeks but those are absent at the moment. Yay for that.

I've been hanging out with my same crew though. I don't think I realized how much everyone drank until I saw it through sober eyes. Beers, shots, more beers, more shots. Last night even, they made me a little cup of juice so I wouldn't be left out when they were doing shots.

It doesn't make me want to drink at all. I NEVER did shots and I hardly ever drank liquor (once a year maybe) when I did drink. (I was a beer and wine girl). But it does make me feel kinda... bored. And unfulfilled. And wondering if anyone out there was doing anything more interesting.

People close to me are feeling threatened I think, saying things like "Doesn't AA tell you to get rid of the people in your life who drink?" and trying to explain, especially when they're drunk, is pointless.

I don't know what my question is, I'm just feeling a little unsettled at the moment. In Caroline Knapp's book "Drinking: A Love Story," she talks about what makes people jump off the deep end into major drinking. I went through 4 huge, unfathomably painful life events last year, major losses, in a space of four months and I am sure now that's what made me jump off the deep end into alcoholism-- I just said "f*** it all, I don't care anymore" and started drinking every day. By the time I healed up emotionally, the drinking was too habitual to stop.

I say all that to say that I don't want to go through more loss of people I love. I just healed up. I also don't want to drink. Anyone else going through this or went through this?

Thanks.

PurpleKnight

Not drinking is only half the battle, we then need to fill our time with new things to do in life, as to be honest sitting in bored every evening doesn't sound like much fun, or does sitting in a bar Sober amongst people who are drunk.

A knew lifestyle is needed to rekindle our joy in life, but for me as I stopped going to bars, I stopped hanging out with some people and they naturally faded away, at the end of the day you have to live your own life, make a decision as to what you want to now fill your time with!!

Great job on 3 weeks!! Keep it going!!

Ready2beSober

Most of the people in my life still drink. Some have been supportive, some not so much. Ive decided there are some drinkers I will still remain close friends with, and some I'll have to keep some distance with. There's a couple friends, who when I told I wasn't drinking, were happy for me and said "lets hang out soon we dont have to drink, we can go for coffee or a hike, whatever." Theres others, who gave me that little laugh, and said why did you quit, or worse, the ones who said "you'll be back!" I think it depends on their level of drinking. Ive noticed my friends who are social drinkers dont really have a problem with me not drinking. But the friends who are heavy drinkers and alcoholics have more of a problem, they're judging me for not drinking and they're worried I'm judging them for drinking. Or they think if I'm an alcoholic then they must be too, and they dont like that so they tell me I dont have a problem..sorry that was a long comment.. I think its been because I'm struggling with this too. I dont want to lose my friends but I refuse to lose my sobriety over it!

Dee74

I can only tell you what worked for me.

By the end of my drinking life I'd surrounded myself with drinkers like me.
I couldn't stay sober in that life, so I changed it all.

For those friends I lost - those who couldn't support my desire to recover - I soon found healthy friends who came into my life and took their place

Most of my friends are still drinkers...but not regularly, and it's not the basis of our relationship
D

Anna

I agree completely that stopping drinking is only part of the problem. I also had to deal with many issues that came together in a 'perfect storm' to make the final push into alcoholism. And, it wasn't easy. I was lucky because I knew immediately that there were a few people in my life who were toxic and that they had to be removed. The unexpected gift with that was that two new women appeared in my life at the same time. Both of them became dear friends/mentors/teachers.

lilgolden73

I have totally been where you are, I reached a point after several losses that I drank because I just didn't care anymore. I too am surrounded by drinkers and often wonder am I the only one who doesn't want to? I would love new friends but can't find any sober ones!

VikingGF

I realized this week that I had left most of my really heavy drinking friends behind already. When I was drinking, I was never the one who looked or acted intoxicated (people usually couldn't tell and would say so, only my close friends knew) and overly drunk people make me uncomfortable. Isn't that ironic? All of my friends drink, but they don't HAVE to drink, and we do non-drinking activities. But I am fine going out with them from time to time, I've been on a bar seat 3 times and attended 2 parties since I stopped drinking 3 weeks ago and it was not an issue. The bar evenings did end a lot earlier for me than usually, you're right, Mambomama, it was a bit dull. I do expect that as my life evolves I will meet more non-drinkers, but I am not concerned about spending time with my current crowd. I think I was the heaviest drinker among them, anyway.

I guess it's all a learning process and we will find our way. Are you finding that you are doing things that you haven't done in forever, like reading more or cleaning out closets and painting rooms? So much TIME now that it's not being gulped away!!

Lisa.

zanabanana

Your post reminds me of me so much, it's scary.... but that also tells me I'm not alone in this, and neither is any one else here who are trying to stay sober. I, too, went through horrible loss after loss after loss last year, and that's when my drinking became heavier, and heavier until I couldn't control it anymore and rather it was controlling me. My family is full of drinkers. Every family event we have there will be alcohol without a doubt. It's hard to distance yourself from family since we're a really close family. I just can't put myself around them too often because since I'm still fresh in my sobriety it'd be like suicide to see them. I'm not that strong enough. I pretty much phased out all my friends who do drink. I'm back to being a loner again. Oh well. I'd rather be a loner at this stage of my life and find out other ways to occupy my time without drinking.

Congrats on the 3 weeks though!

Trouble1234

I say if certain friends do not support you they need to be left behind. True friends will understand and be there for you no matter what the situation. Sad isn't it ? But you will weed out the fakes that unfortunately are all around !

ReadyAtLast

I couldn't stay sober if I was with drinking friends who just drink. I realize I've nothing much in common any more. since getting sober I have developed a new, gradual life with new friends who don't drink and non drinking activities. I can be around people who drink such as my husband but that doesn't bother me.

Youngaddictionwarrior

This post really hits home too! I'm 3 weeks tomorrow and I've usually been relapsing every month but determined this time. I'm 23 nearly 24 so luckily over the clubbing stage and pub scene but my life revolves around alcohol it's so hard. I have noticed my partners friends mrs are liking me now and saying how great I'm doing. I'm not that drunk girl who my partner has to babysit & I am a blackout drunk so can't remember what I did just heard horror stories. I find it's generally easy in a sense that as long as I'm doing something I'm fine but for some weird reason now I'm not drinking my partner is drinking twice as much . I'm not sure if it's cause he doesn't have to worry about watching me anymore or what but my mum said hers did the same . I've started spending $ on myself & it feels great! I have my iPad I like to take everywhere, watch lots of series & suggested to my partner after going to the movies last weekend we should do it regularly it was great. Bbqs I can only handle for 2 hrs max but a friend has started bringing out board games & I have fun there. Weddings are very hard and I don't even wanna think about travelling! When I feel like a drink I get on here :-)

Meraviglioso

It is really easier said than done to cut out people you consider friends from your life. In some cases it must be done, but can you find alternatives for others? For example last night my bf and I went for dinner and afterwards we met up with friends. However, it was at a bar on the beach that had a band playing so there was music, dancing, other things going on than just consuming alcohol. Can you see these drinking friends on occassions where there is more of an event- like a concert, festival or something? Go to a cheese tasting at a local farmers market or see a film. Just some ideas. It is tough feeling bored and left out. But keep focus on how good you feel without the alcohol.
Last night I expected some people to give me a hard time about the fact that I was drinking water. There were some comments, including one guy that said "water????? you need more than water, get the distilled water, something more pure than water!" of course insinuating that after all I had drank I must need a major clean out. It was actually a good reminder to hear that and gave me more determination to prove to everyone that I was serious this time and could do it.

SoberHoopsFan

I have no desire to be around drunk people in sobriety. They offer nothing interesting, cannot be reasoned with, and feel insecure about me not drinking. The friends I have that still drink (or even still binge drink), I'll only agree to see them in relatively sober settings. Out to dinner is fine, out to the bar is not. You should consider new social circles in my opinion, I can't imagine anything worse than trying to stay sober and sitting around watching people take shots.

I see a lot of people say, "but then I won't have any friends," or something similar. One, that's not true, you probably have true friends that will engage in sober activities with you. Two, loneliness and feeling bad at times, are normal human emotions that everyone has to deal with in life. The problem is, when we were drunks, we wanted to feel good ALL THE TIME, and refused to ever feel uncomfortable feelings, we just drowned them in booze. I've learned that sometimes I will feel lonely, sometimes I will feel sad, sometimes I will have desires that I cannot fulfill. Now I deal with these feelings sober, like a normal person would. Sobriety is not about feeling good all the time, it's about learning how to manage life and feelings while not drinking.

Youngaddictionwarrior

now for me ...lol ive made it 3 weeks sober. not that I haven't before but im trying different things. in this 3 weeks ive stuck up for myself and immediately felt better, helped strangers, has a great time at the movies with my partner both sober, had a great time getting a pamper package massage with my friend and last night my best friend stayed over we had the most funniest amazing time and went to an expensive restaurant ive always wanted to go to and I actually am doing things ive always wanted to do but haven't thought to do :-) ive got a sober bucket list happening here. I have to agree with the bars unless I take over the pool table for the whole night :-) ive always had the comments like "babysit ur missus man shes f***ed" I was at a wedding a month ago sober drinking the non alcoholic champagne you buy from food stores spilt my drink down my red silk dress and my partners mates went "dude really...whos driving home" I had the pleasure of him saying she hasn't even had a sip of alcohol, just clumsy that's why I love her....that shut him up :-) was the best feeling! at social events ive noticed my true friends will say how great im doing. pull out board games, invite me to lunch & as for the other people they are now feeling like **** for saying to my partner to leave me as they see me as a really nice person who is sober, im still a bit shy but people can finally crack me out of my shell OHHH AND YES!!! INSECURE DRINKERS... I constantly have people saying it is so embarousing it must be weird for you being sober watching us I must look so stupid & its finally my partner appoligising the next day not me :-)

oryx55

Yes, I have been there. Your description of your descent into alcoholic drinking really resonates with me.

You clearly don't want to drink-- and you don't ever, ever have to again. Yay!

In my first year sober, being around people drinking was not an immediate threat to my sobriety. It was the alone times, after the parties where I did so awesome and stayed sober, that got dangerous. Just stay alert, I guess.

Anyway, you're doing awesome and clearly being thoughtful about creating your new sober life. Congrats.

Youngaddictionwarrior

That's so true my mind starts to wonder and the little voice says there all drunk they wont know if you sneek a couple of drinks. great advice

1newcreation

When the booze was gone, I was still left w/ me! & that's 1 person I can never get away from;even going to the bathroom! So had to learn how to live w/ myself which was such pia. But when started working the steps & makin new friends in mtgs, it started getting easier. I don't miss the bars/clubs @ all. I have the solution for wot ails me but almost all the people that hang out there don't. Life is good today & I could have missed it all
Best wishes & welcome to SR

dw2786

When I stopped drinking I remember all the ones who laughed and said I'd never manage it, there were even a few who just said straight out that we wouldn't be hanging out anymore. In the end, my most important and true friends that still drink are a huge part of my life and definitely helped with my recovery. 26 months on and they're still there, granted I don't see them as often but we're still in touch.

In my opinion the best thing to do is cut out all the negative people from your life, recovery is hard enough.

Best of luck to you and all the best on your journey.

FreeOwl

I spent a LOT of time obsessing over how much other people drink in my early sobriety. In many ways it helped me to do so at that time. I was able to see it with new eyes and ask myself - even if I COULD drink along with them, would I truly want that for my life?

As time went on, I thought and focused less on how others were drinking and more on my own feelings around drinking. Then as more time went on, more on just my own feelings in life and how to handle them, how to grow, how to get the most of life.

I still find myself occasionally honing in on others' drinking. I try not to judge it but I sometimes do. I try not to say to myself 'how aweful' or make myself better than... Yet I try to acknowledge 'that is NOt what I want my life to be about'

The most helpful reason to observe drinking, for me, is as a reminder of where it can lead and of why I choose sobriety.

I've come to a place in life where I really don't want to be hanging out around lots of drinking. Social settings where it happens but isn't the primary focus are fine, but sitting arose be a bar with others banging back shots and sinking dozens of beers just holds no allure for me, in fact seems like a really miserable prospect.

I think over time as our sobriet deepens, we find our own individual new boundaries

Carver

I'm kind of lucky (!) that I'm very introverted and did my serious drinking alone. I did also go out and binge like there was no tomorrow, but not too often. The friends I have do think it's odd that I'm not drinking because they don't know I have a problem, but most don't push it. If they did, then I wouldn't hang out with them. I like being sober more than I like spending time with people who think you can't have fun without drinking

BUT I do enjoy being with them, and so far it hasn't affected my sobriety. I'm more than happy with my water, juice or Coke