Rewriting History...Am I Crazy or is He???
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Rewriting History...Am I Crazy or is He???
OK, I had a sit down with my ex ABF and we went over a few incidents over the course of the past few weeks that have occurred. And he totally rewrote the script, actually replaying some interactions in the complete opposite of how they occurred- "No Allie, YOU were the one in the park who walked past me like I wasn't there as I walked up to you waiving..." Really? Ummmm, that is the opposite of what I remember and what actually happened- the exact opposite! I KNOW because I was sober...
And he says that the night that he was so absolutely cruel (on my birthday no less), well, he was just responding to me- reacting to me, because I was so aggressive...ummmm....am I crazy? He really seems to believe these historical rewrites...its the most amazing thing. Anyone have similar experiences?
And he says that the night that he was so absolutely cruel (on my birthday no less), well, he was just responding to me- reacting to me, because I was so aggressive...ummmm....am I crazy? He really seems to believe these historical rewrites...its the most amazing thing. Anyone have similar experiences?
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Yes. It's called confabulation. When someone is blacked out drunk they will later create a new reality (usually one that paints them in a more flattering light) in order to fill those memory gaps. They truly believe these creations.
The way I solved this problem was to quit the rehashing, I quit trying to explain to him how he had hurt me, quit trying to get him to see what he was doing, and just accepted that he was never going to see things any other way.
I know the truth, I do not need to seek validation from a diseased mind.
The way I solved this problem was to quit the rehashing, I quit trying to explain to him how he had hurt me, quit trying to get him to see what he was doing, and just accepted that he was never going to see things any other way.
I know the truth, I do not need to seek validation from a diseased mind.
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Rewriting history so that we play a more flattering part than we really did is pretty common -- and addicts have a particular knack for doing it.
A book about addiction I read years ago said we all have a script for our lives, and when we talk about our lives, we tell stories that fit into that script. Addicts often have a script for their lives where they are the innocent victim and the world is out to get them, according to this author.
He said addicts rewrite history to make it "fit" with the role they've taken in life -- most of the time, one where they have no responsibility for what happens. Evil just happens to them. The universe hates them, somehow. "Everyone drives drunk but I was the one stopped and charged because the universe hates me."
I was the reason my ex was unhappy. I was the reason he was drinking. I set him up to be abusive. He wouldn't have had to rape me if I had only put out. Etc.
I think it's a pretty common human reaction to want to get away from taking responsibility for stupid stuff we do. Evil stuff. Mean stuff. Addiction makes it worse.
A book about addiction I read years ago said we all have a script for our lives, and when we talk about our lives, we tell stories that fit into that script. Addicts often have a script for their lives where they are the innocent victim and the world is out to get them, according to this author.
He said addicts rewrite history to make it "fit" with the role they've taken in life -- most of the time, one where they have no responsibility for what happens. Evil just happens to them. The universe hates them, somehow. "Everyone drives drunk but I was the one stopped and charged because the universe hates me."
I was the reason my ex was unhappy. I was the reason he was drinking. I set him up to be abusive. He wouldn't have had to rape me if I had only put out. Etc.
I think it's a pretty common human reaction to want to get away from taking responsibility for stupid stuff we do. Evil stuff. Mean stuff. Addiction makes it worse.
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Lady- you are right, I don't need validation from him, but what I saw last night really helped to shed some light for me on his logic...or lack thereof. The Cody in me was running rampant last night...
Lil'- what you say makes so much sense. The writing of a script and not wanting to take responsibility for our misdeeds- he never once took responsibility last night for anything and I pointed that out, of course, it doesn't really matter, I suppose. The craziest thing about the rewriting of the park was that I say him around 10 or 11 in the morning...he was going for his exercise. I can't imagine that he was in a blackout then...crazy.
Lil'- what you say makes so much sense. The writing of a script and not wanting to take responsibility for our misdeeds- he never once took responsibility last night for anything and I pointed that out, of course, it doesn't really matter, I suppose. The craziest thing about the rewriting of the park was that I say him around 10 or 11 in the morning...he was going for his exercise. I can't imagine that he was in a blackout then...crazy.
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Good to know there's a word for this. Confabulation.
Allie,
My AW does it too. Sometimes for me, it becomes a machine gun of false realities hitting you a thousand times over until you finally start wondering what really happened.
You'll see some of us questioning our sanity. I'm starting to see when this is happening and that's when I know something is wrong with me and I need to work on it. I know I'm concentrating to hard on my AW.
I guess this is why the good folks here talk alot about learning to detach from the A in our lives.
Allie,
My AW does it too. Sometimes for me, it becomes a machine gun of false realities hitting you a thousand times over until you finally start wondering what really happened.
You'll see some of us questioning our sanity. I'm starting to see when this is happening and that's when I know something is wrong with me and I need to work on it. I know I'm concentrating to hard on my AW.
I guess this is why the good folks here talk alot about learning to detach from the A in our lives.
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Allie, I wondered for years why my A and I seemed to remember various incidents so differently. I know people see things from different perspectives on occasion, but this was so consistent--we never seemed to remember stuff the same (when he remembered at all, that is...). And once I found out about the drinking, then it began to make sense.
I posted recently about how we'd fight about the finances, me saying I didn't see why we couldn't commit to saving a set amount every month or wondering why things never seemed to add up quite right, and him telling me, in an increasingly heated fashion, that it just didn't matter if the numbers added up, everything was fine, just fine, and why did I always have to want to understand everything, dammit, just trust me and it will all be fine! So many times I just gave up in exhaustion, until the day I just knew what it was that was going on...
Yes, I can relate to what you're saying, and yes, I've been there too.
I posted recently about how we'd fight about the finances, me saying I didn't see why we couldn't commit to saving a set amount every month or wondering why things never seemed to add up quite right, and him telling me, in an increasingly heated fashion, that it just didn't matter if the numbers added up, everything was fine, just fine, and why did I always have to want to understand everything, dammit, just trust me and it will all be fine! So many times I just gave up in exhaustion, until the day I just knew what it was that was going on...
Yes, I can relate to what you're saying, and yes, I've been there too.
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Honey- it is amazing how your post resonates. The finances were one of our major issues. He as no- absolutely no- financial concern...and I tried repeatedly to find a way to reason and work with him in saving money...and whatever my protest- money, drinking and driving, plans- whatever my concern- the answer was always the same "it will be fine, baby, just fine" and he would say it in this reassuring calm voice...after awhile, that voice started to become unnerving, because that just isn't the way the world works!
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If he's your ex, then why are you spending time beating a proverbial dead horse? Confronting an A about anything related to their drinking is never going to turn out in your favor. It's crazy making and that's how they keep you hooked.
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Honeypig and timeiskey your post about finances really struck me. My husband has no regard for money at all. It is always up to me to find the money for whatever bill needs covered that he spent. In college before I met him, his parents paid of a 10k bar bill he had racked up with his fraternity bros during their first year. Coming from a not great upbringing, it astounds me how reckless he can be.
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Can the confabulation happen at other times as well... like all the time? I saw this again and again with xabf. I think that he also extended it to his life at all times...(lies) trying to make himself feel better. Rewriting the history.
Money? He would always say I am so glad you are good at it as I am not and we are going to need it. Both of his parents passed. They left a good sum of money to their four children. He blew 10k in the first year... he was living somewhere totally furnished, rent free... as his aunt passed away as well and his cousins let him live there until they sold the house. He had utilities and what not but works a full time job and is in a band as well, so should have had plenty for that. All the trips home to see him... I paid for my travels of course... but also all the groceries, all the dinners out and what not... hotel rooms when his band traveled and it was too late to drive that far... etc. He had stuck some money in a high yield account and did not touch that portion, and did the down payment on his house. When his parents house sells, he will get probably around 50-75k, and I am sure that will be dwindled down in a few years.
I think part of the rewriting history then turns into gaslighting, trying to make us look horrid.
Money? He would always say I am so glad you are good at it as I am not and we are going to need it. Both of his parents passed. They left a good sum of money to their four children. He blew 10k in the first year... he was living somewhere totally furnished, rent free... as his aunt passed away as well and his cousins let him live there until they sold the house. He had utilities and what not but works a full time job and is in a band as well, so should have had plenty for that. All the trips home to see him... I paid for my travels of course... but also all the groceries, all the dinners out and what not... hotel rooms when his band traveled and it was too late to drive that far... etc. He had stuck some money in a high yield account and did not touch that portion, and did the down payment on his house. When his parents house sells, he will get probably around 50-75k, and I am sure that will be dwindled down in a few years.
I think part of the rewriting history then turns into gaslighting, trying to make us look horrid.
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Well, I came across the term while researching alcohol related dementia/Korsakoff's syndrome. It can also happen when there are gaps in memory due to brain damage caused by alcohol, pretty much anytime in late stage alcoholism. My ex is late stage and I have been doing a lot of reading on the subject. When I came across the term confabulation a lot of his statements and behavior make sense in that context. He is constantly creating his own reality.
It may or may not apply to your ex, and I think that you're 100% correct about the gaslighting, especially if the alcoholic is not blacked out or late/end stage. As Lillamy said, addicts are experts at rewriting history to present themselves in a more flattering light.
It may or may not apply to your ex, and I think that you're 100% correct about the gaslighting, especially if the alcoholic is not blacked out or late/end stage. As Lillamy said, addicts are experts at rewriting history to present themselves in a more flattering light.
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It's so good to read these posts. My STBXAH does this; I've noticed it more and more of late. He's actually so convincing that I had started to question my own recollection until I noticed that it was a recurring thing. He genuinely tries to rewrite or deny the past. I found this pretty offensive until I realised that it's probably part of the pathology of his addiction, and a way of dealing with guilt and denial. I had to keep telling myself that I was sober, and he was not, so who is likely to have the more realistic view of events? really? There's no way that I would be able to convince him of any other version of things though. I've given up on that, his own version of events is so real to him. It's enough for me now to know that I trust my own recollection and judgement.
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I went through the same finance thing with my XAH. "It'll be fine, you worry too much, most people are way worse off than us, you are just a control freak." The truth would be spelled out on paper and he just wanted to rewrite reality because he didn't like it. Budgets were completely pointless.
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All so true. My AH got removed from the home by the local sheriff for threatening suicide, and he still is claiming I kicked him out and won't let him return.
Also doesn't understand why I am trying to divorce him. Apparently the 10+ years I told him I would-and why-he doesn't remember.
On our last anniversary together we were talking about the aftermath of the night before (as usual). He said, "I guess I shouldn't drink so much." I agreed and his next words were, "I'm going to the store to buy beer."
And I'm the crazy one.
Also doesn't understand why I am trying to divorce him. Apparently the 10+ years I told him I would-and why-he doesn't remember.
On our last anniversary together we were talking about the aftermath of the night before (as usual). He said, "I guess I shouldn't drink so much." I agreed and his next words were, "I'm going to the store to buy beer."
And I'm the crazy one.
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