Butterfly

I think I have reached a point where I can no longer cope with the hur, pain, betrayal and the emptiness its too hard to manage this. all I want to do is run away from everything. I have no energy, no motivation and I am back to crying constantly and asking questions I have asked so many times before!!

I think of nothing else even when I am doing other things its there in the back of my mind, when I wake at 2am its my first thoughts.

I feel as though my life is over and that this is never going to get any better I know I have good days but the bad days far out weight the good!

I feel so devastated by his actions, his choices and that the kids and I are not enough for him to seek help. I feel useless and worthless and un important that he could walk out after 18 years and not fight for us for him for what he said he wanted and promised he would do.

I feel stupid for sticking around so long and believing everything he promised even when his actions showed otherwise, i know he loves me but love isnt enough, his addiction is too powerful and only he can decide to fight this for him but he wont he has laid down and given up!! I m not enough for him to fight!!

i dont think i can survive without him i am so lonely and hurt and so confused by all that has happened and yes I know i need to go no contact but i find that really difficult i want to support him and help him through this I want him to see what he is has walked away from. Pathetic I know i cant make a decision to walk away myself at the minute I still wait for him to tell its over

Feeling so lost and confused!!

iamthird

I could have written that awhile back, heck...I probably did. Check my posts. Lol!!

Butterfly. It will not always be like this. You cannot give him anymore power over you. My separated AH walked out on me and all I could do was wallow in it until I got Stage 4 cancer and it brought me to my knees. I was sick for about 2 yrs! Single mom with 2 kids fighting head/neck cancer. I thought God was so cruel. Had I not gotten sick, I do not know I would be as strong as I am today.

It is painful, awful. You have to keep pushing forward. Ask yourself the hard questions! Why dont you love yourself enough to realize it is his loss! You deserve more. You need to push through the anguish and count your blessings. I am sure you can do it! I am sure you have something to be grateful for. Focus on those things.

Allow yourself moments of sadness but do not tell yourself you will not get through it! Yes, you will. We will always lift you up. But it starts with YOU making the choice to not let this define you. You are in my prayers.

jarp

I used to feel like your butterfly.

And then AH left for a while (he's gone now too)..... And you know what? I survived. There was definitely moments of total anxiety and desperation. Crying. All manner of hysterics.

But I survived. And actually, I more than survived. A social worker friend got me to write a list of all the things I can do when I feel that anxiety swelling. Like applying 'delay, distract, decide' that addicts use when craving.

My distract list gets me through. She bought me. A beautiful box, and had put notes in there, each note either containing one of my 'distractions' or an affirmation, or just a note saying 'I love you'. She also put some tiny little pics of the kids in there, and a photo of a pic my son had drawn when he was 3 of him inside my 'tummy' when he first found out he grew in my belly!!!

It really works. I pull out the notes like a lucky dip and then do the thing on the note,or read/ appreciate the note and it calms me.

She also got me to allocate time each day to just sit with my pain. In this time I can cry, howl, scream, sulk....whatever I want....and then when the alarm goes I have to pick myself off the floor and carry on until my next allocated half hour! It helps...when I feel bad I think....wait until 9pm. You can cry then. It gets me through.

Take best care of yourself. You can do it...you can.

queenapple

Most, if not all, of us have felt the same way. In my case, I kicked my RAH out -- after 44 years of marriage--, he didn't leave, but I still felt like he needed my support, that he couldn't survive without me, that it was my job to pick up his broken pieces and help him put them back together.

After two months, I finally don't cry every day. I realize that he isn't expending the same energy worrying about me being alone that I was expending on him. He's a big boy, he made these life changes, and the misery he's brought to all of us is enough to last a lifetime. He's changing-- and finally getting some real insight into his life -- but so have I. And I see a life without him as a better option for myself and my kids and grandkids. Sad, but there it is.

dandylion

Butterfly---do read your own avitar. Read it over and over and try to apply it's meaning to yourself, right now. I Looove that avitar! It is one of the best.

Butterfly, perhaps it would be a good idea to see a physician and discuss whether some short-term medication would be indicated for you. Your words of "useless, worthless, and unimportant" have a depressed ring to them. I certainly don't know your background with this---but, sometimes it gets to the point that you should consult a professional.

I know that the health system in the UK is different than here...but, surely they have emergency services of some kind there, also.

You need to do the things you need to do to carry yourself through this grief.
I think that the fear of the pain has you by the collar right now.

I do hear your pain...I really do!--and yet, I know that You will get through this....

dandylion

Hawkeye13

Putting you life on hold since he has left clearly isn't working.
Waiting for him to "decide" is making you crazy.
Don't drag it out.

If you start thinking closure you can begin to heal.
Talking to him so frequently is ripping the band aid off your wound
each and every time you begin to get a scab.

Stop talking to him.
Dandylion's idea about some short term medication may really help too.
Jarp's suggestions about what she is doing are a great idea.
I think I suggested to you some time ago that you give yourself a certain time
each day to be sad, but then put it away.

Maybe step up the therapy if needed.
You were doing much much better until you started talking with him again.
What happened to the No Contact?

I am sorry you are hurting so much but it is time to change the situation I think.

SparkleKitty

Hon, you HAVE been surviving without him. For longer than you think. Sending you strength, courage, and patience with yourself.

hopeful4

Hugs. I believe you are much stronger than you think.

We are here for you!!!

meggem

yes you can. you can do it. you are doing it. Ditto to what everyone is saying.

xoxoxoxoxo

Thumper

Oh Butterfly. What has he brought to your life? What are you finding so hard to leave behind?

For me it was the part that lived in my head, not the reality. The death of the dream was the hardest of all and resulted in the most grief/loss because what he was actually contributing to my real life was something I wanted to get away from, not stay with.

I read this sticky a lot (I read them all a lot) but this one didn't make a lot of sense at first but I knew I wanted to get there - I wanted to understand it - and I used it as a goal post because I for sure knew I wanted the pain to stop.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html

Shellcrusher

I understand you Butterfly.
I went through those times of wanting to cry all the time and I did a few times. I'm a self proclaimed tough guy with a soft heart so for me it wasn't really the crying. I was just flat out angry. All the time! I still am! That is not serenity.

Here's what helped me.
You know those lingering things that need to be dealt with? Maybe a leaky faucet. Maybe the grass is long and needs a trim. Maybe your car is dirty and could use a wash. I'm a guy. Those are things I do. I never put much emphasis on them cause they needed to be done.

I don't know what it could be for you but I took those mundane daily chores that had to get done by me and I made them into goals. I made them bigger than they had to be cause they were so simple.
It was as if I warped my reality a bit.

Make a list of those things. Set some dates. Work on completing them. Each time you complete something, you win. It's small victories. It builds momentum.

You may find yourself adding a goal like paying of that credit card. Donate those clothes you don't wear anymore. Make sure your financial statements are current, easy to find and in one place. You start working these like you mowed the lawn. Next thing you know you've become very good at wining. You're accomplishing your own little goals and you're in charge.

When it's time to work on the bigger things, you've had some practice.

I remember setting a goal one day to smile at 10 different people. I did. I won. My AW had nothing to do with it. I felt better.

Maybe you cry for a long time. Try to toss your Kleenex in the basket in 1 throw. Score! You win! Do it again! Win again!

My life really became 1 day at a time. I had to shrink my big world and make it simple and make the simple things in life, bigger and it helped. I had to give myself very small, easy to obtain goals. I needed some small victories cause the beat downs were killing me. It really helped me expand my world back outward. I grew. I got stronger.

unease7

I think we each have our breaking point where once they cross that line something inside us just takes over and we start to change little by little we get our confidence back.We take back control of our thoughts and our emotions , for me it was when he started to play his cruel little mind games on our children, but it pushes you to step back and really look at what he is doing the damage.You didnt get in this much emotional pain overnight so it takes time to heal it. If we can get thru this there is nothing we cant do!
Take care of yourself, give all your love and affection and energy to your kids and to yourself, you and the kids need it. Dont waste it on someone who cant appreciate it.

unease7

Sparklekitty,what you said about surviving I'am going to write that down and say it to myself over and over again it is now my mantra! It's funny how something so true and yet so simple can reinforce what you already know down deep inside, but sometimes we just need to hear someone else say it.
Thank you

BBTaco

Butterfly, I have felt this everyday as well. I know how hard it is, I think we can all echo each other on this. The more time that passes, the easier it is to get through the day. Last night was the first time in a month that I have NOT cried myself to sleep. I have been reading "Women Who Love Too Much" and it has SERIOUSLY helped, in combination with Al-Anon meetings. I stopped eating, sometimes days without food, I contemplated suicide...it is a truly horrible pain, grieving for them whilst they're still living.

I recently, yesterday, took the step to change my phone number so I am not constantly texting or calling him or waiting for a reply (it's been a month NC from him). It takes a little of the control back for me. Stay strong, stay on this forum, get it all out. You have support from those who have come, and are still arriving, on the other side of what you feel right this moment.

NWGRITS

You *have been* surviving without him. There's no solitude like living with an active alcoholic. Other than taking up space and creating chaos, there's usually not too much that they're doing to help out. Yes, up to a point they may hold down a job, but even that only goes so far. What has he really contributed to make you feel like he was a willing partner giving his 100% to your marriage and your family? Not the dream of what he *could be* that's floating around in your head-- the reality. You could wait for the next forty years for him to "see what he's missing" and it'll never happen. Are you prepared to look back and see all those wasted years? He simply doesn't think about those things. He's not fretting over you and the kids. He's fretting over where he'll get his next drink. Y'all just don't factor into his plans other than enabling him to drink in peace. That's a sad way to live, IMO. Being alone and free to live the life you deserve is 1,000% better.

Tansy

We've also got to 18 years and are now divorcing. I had fears about being alone, him not here and wanting to support him but I realised in the end I've been lonely the whole of our marriage, he never been "here" and he doesn't want support. He wants me to enable him to carry on as he's always done.

I wanted love, affection, friendship..normal marriage stuff I've never got from him...ever. I wanted a man I could sleep with and cuddle who wouldn't pee on me. I wanted a man who would comfort me through my darkest times instead of walking away if I showed any emotion. I didn't ask for much but even that was too much for him. Once I worked that out letting go of him was easy. He was never mine. He belongs to alcohol and that's where his loyalties lie. You can do it. One day at a time. It won't be easy but you can. Once you realise you've nothing left to save. xx

AnvilheadII

I m not enough for him to fight!!


that isn't it, not at all. in fact, it has nothing to do with YOU. he's allowing the disease to drive the bus and he's taking what AA calls the "easier, softer way" - the path of least resistance. he doesn't have what it takes to mount a fight....he's been messed up and messing up a long time....now he's looking over the miles and miles of devestation and even the thought of trying to somehow put it all right is just.......too much. he's not up to the task....

he's show himself UNWORTHY of the title of husband and father.

you are a fully grown adult - you WILL survive. he's been gone for months now and you've managed without starving or living under a bridge. people break up all the time. it happens. and life goes on.

said gently, while i get the hurt and the pain, part of you is also throwing a little hissy fit cuz you aren't getting what you want. you want HIM to quit drinking. you want HIM to be the man you want him to be. you want HIM to fix it all and come home and make you happy.

what are you willing to do for you? cuz you aren't a faulty faucet and he's not the plumber. he cant fix you. you can't fix him. it's time to do the work you want him to do, take the actions you wish he would.

Butterfly

Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement and yes I need to look at why I don't love myself enough that I would settle for someone who clearly doesn't love me.

Anvil yes he has shown himself unworthy of being a husband and a father however I am not throwing a hissy fit because I can't get what I want yes I want him to stop drinking and I want him to be the man I know he can be but I don't want him to fix me I know I have to work on me and I am doing the best that I can!!

I am deeply hurt and devastated by what has happened as I didn't acknowledge he was an alcoholic until I came on here and researched!! Anvil it feels that when you comment on my threads that you can be quite harsh in some of your responses and while that may work for others it really doesn't for me!

Sometimes those who have been in recovery for a longer period of time forget how difficult it can be for those in early recovery and can come across as critical and less understanding as if they are frustrated by what they perceive to be a slow recovery and that things haven't clicked yet. It can be hurtful and at times can make it more difficult for me to post for fear of responses.

This does not apply to everyone the majority of responses I receive are positive, supportive and encouraging.

Dandylion I am on anti depressants for depression

I have used distraction techniques and although they work for a while I find it hard to concentrate on not thinking about him in fact I'm exhausted trying to not think about him.

Shellcrusher I like your idea of small achievable goals that may increase my confidence.

I hope I haven't come across as nasty and apologies if I have offended anyone.

NWGRITS

Anvil is very wise. Do you think this site, AA, Al-Anon or rehab centers would exist if love were enough to save them? Addiction is a selfish disease. They aren't doing anything to you or because of you. They're just addicts being addicts. Nobody sets out to have this kind of life, on either side. It's just a sad, lonely existence until you decide you've had enough, pull yourself up by the bootstraps, and change your way of living.

Brindie

Hello Butterfly - I've been following your story, and you have come such a long way, you're one brave lady. I'm a few months ahead of you in my journey, and yes, there are still days when I just want to retreat and I catch myself feeling sorry for myself and worried about what's ahead. BUT the good news is that there are many, many more days of positive feelings, contentment and 'go with the flow'. I think your ups and downs are pretty normal, and that these difficult moments are the ones when you come on here and blurt it all out and know that there are folks here for you. Someone on here replied to one of my earlier posts that 'time is our friend'. I have hung on to that, and it is so true. Big hug to you this weekend.