Mad as heck and not going to take it anymore
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Kansas
Posts: 68
Mad as heck and not going to take it anymore
The person I'm mad at is me more than anyone else. That's because I have let others dictate how I feel. The last few days I have come to the conclusion I am depressed. So much so I have given up. I have never been this way before and I don't like how it feels. Shoot a few months or even a year ago you couldn't keep me in the house - now I don't want to leave it.
That I believe is because my husband who has lung cancer and is not doing a whole lot to help himself to get better. I mean yea we have to wait on insurance and stuff like that, but he could quit smoking, which I think would dramatically increase odds.But I can't make him, besides he told me "I've lived a good life and am ready to go." or something similar.
From that statement I began to go down hill myself. Thinking if he's not going to fight why should I.
There are other factors, like menopause that I may be heading into but the mere fact my hubby has given up has given me permission to give up.
Today however I have hit bottom, I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of life, and I can't breathe. It feels like I'm fighting against myself, if that makes sense. I am not ready to quit and I am fighting to get back up.
I am going to start a journal with my journey and what I am doing to help bring myself back up including information I have discovered. My body even aches now.
I need to live life for ME and am starting today I am going to take those baby steps to getting better, I'm glad I have been broke because if I did have cash, I would be drinking. and as you know that is not a good thing.
That I believe is because my husband who has lung cancer and is not doing a whole lot to help himself to get better. I mean yea we have to wait on insurance and stuff like that, but he could quit smoking, which I think would dramatically increase odds.But I can't make him, besides he told me "I've lived a good life and am ready to go." or something similar.
From that statement I began to go down hill myself. Thinking if he's not going to fight why should I.
There are other factors, like menopause that I may be heading into but the mere fact my hubby has given up has given me permission to give up.Today however I have hit bottom, I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of life, and I can't breathe. It feels like I'm fighting against myself, if that makes sense. I am not ready to quit and I am fighting to get back up.
I am going to start a journal with my journey and what I am doing to help bring myself back up including information I have discovered. My body even aches now.
I need to live life for ME and am starting today I am going to take those baby steps to getting better, I'm glad I have been broke because if I did have cash, I would be drinking. and as you know that is not a good thing.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
Lea, it is true you have to do this for yourself. If your husband sadly continues his path, I am very sorry for that. But, it does not mean you can give up. Journaling is a great idea and I'm sure it will help you to get your plans worked out.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by LeaRachel 
I am not ready to quit and I am fighting to get back up.
I couldn't help think bout this tune for you when I read the above. I heard it when I was running the other day. It felt right for me..and well, hope it does for you too..
Let Cher say it hon...
Cher - You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me (Official Music Video) - YouTube
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear Lea,
Today I felt the same way you did...it was so overwhelming and I felt helpless and really a strong depression or sadness came over me...but then I reached out to a SR member who listened to me and dried my tears and told me to breathe...and I felt better.
My hopelessness may not compare to what you are going thru, but the pain is real.
Please don't give up, life is hard and it hurts! You are part of our family and you can always turn to us, like you did today and we will be there for you! No matter what it is we will listen and support you! Don't forget to breathe Lea
Take care,
TF
Today I felt the same way you did...it was so overwhelming and I felt helpless and really a strong depression or sadness came over me...but then I reached out to a SR member who listened to me and dried my tears and told me to breathe...and I felt better.
My hopelessness may not compare to what you are going thru, but the pain is real.
Please don't give up, life is hard and it hurts! You are part of our family and you can always turn to us, like you did today and we will be there for you! No matter what it is we will listen and support you! Don't forget to breathe Lea
Take care,
TF
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Kansas
Posts: 68
Originally Posted by Twofish
Dear Lea,
Today I felt the same way you did...it was so overwhelming and I felt helpless and really a strong depression or sadness came over me...but then I reached out to a SR member who listened to me and dried my tears and told me to breathe...and I felt better.
My hopelessness may not compare to what you are going thru, but the pain is real.
Please don't give up, life is hard and it hurts! You are part of our family and you can always turn to us, like you did today and we will be there for you! No matter what it is we will listen and support you! Don't forget to breathe Lea
Take care,
TF
Today I felt the same way you did...it was so overwhelming and I felt helpless and really a strong depression or sadness came over me...but then I reached out to a SR member who listened to me and dried my tears and told me to breathe...and I felt better.
My hopelessness may not compare to what you are going thru, but the pain is real.
Please don't give up, life is hard and it hurts! You are part of our family and you can always turn to us, like you did today and we will be there for you! No matter what it is we will listen and support you! Don't forget to breathe Lea
Take care,
TF
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Illinois
Posts: 230
Dear Lea,
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Depression is a very difficult thing to deal with, and I understand how it can be overwhelming with everything you are dealing with regarding your husband.
You have helped me alot, and I am truly inspired by your writing ability. You must keep fighting and not let this bring you down. I know about being stuck in your house also. That doesn't help. Maybe you can go for walks and try to get back into the things you enjoy..one step at a time. Just getting out briefly will make you feel better and encourage you to do it more often.
Know I am here for you and will continue praying for you and your hubby.
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Depression is a very difficult thing to deal with, and I understand how it can be overwhelming with everything you are dealing with regarding your husband.
You have helped me alot, and I am truly inspired by your writing ability. You must keep fighting and not let this bring you down. I know about being stuck in your house also. That doesn't help. Maybe you can go for walks and try to get back into the things you enjoy..one step at a time. Just getting out briefly will make you feel better and encourage you to do it more often.
Know I am here for you and will continue praying for you and your hubby.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I'm sorry your husband is ill Lea.
You need to look after you. I would recommend seeing your doc-tell them everything-anxiety,depression, possible menopause. I've had all these in past 12 months and have only got through by staying close to my doc.
You need to look after you. I would recommend seeing your doc-tell them everything-anxiety,depression, possible menopause. I've had all these in past 12 months and have only got through by staying close to my doc.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Kansas
Posts: 68
I went out today for the first time in several months. I went shopping for things that I would enjoy, a new Journal for my journey - it has a black cover with a red rose and says Never give up on the front. I also got a movie ( ghost) some mechanical pencils which I wanted and a coconut shake on the way home, now to figure out how to begin it. scaredsister92 sent me a beautiful poem I will put in the front.
( if you see this scared sister thank you)
( if you see this scared sister thank you)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 9
Dear LeaRachel, I'm sorry about your husband. I also see you are like me too. I don't go out much, tho I used to. . I cannot believe I fell so far. I let depression over my dad's illness and mostly, his passing, take me into this world of weirdness. I never drank...but when he died it was more and more. You commented on if you had more money you would drink...dear lady, I will be glad if, right now, being unable to buy it will keep you from the worst of it. It is not only bad for health, and life, but it is expensive addiction. If I had sought the right kind of help, back then, I would have saved a small fortune by now. I have only been on this site a few days, but thw wisdom and kindness an caring of these strangers is so amazing! Hang in there-realize, like I have, there is a lot of people who identify and care! I am starting a journal too...i have heard that helps. Take care and best of wishes to you and your husband.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Kansas
Posts: 68
Melodyfair, welcome to SR. and thank you for your words. I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. I hope to get to know you better. Your right there are a lot of great people here all strangers yet at the same time family.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Kansas
Posts: 68
Had an Amazing day two out in the sun. I went to the library and perused the many books, smiled as I felt the sun on my face and the wind whipping through my hair. I felt like a kid running thru fields. At the library i checked out a book and sat in the mini cafe they had writing in my journal and people watched for a while. I went into a thrift store and wondered through the isles to see what they had, bought fifty shades of grey for .25. And came home much happier than I have felt in a very long time.
As I came home yesterday, I stopped to talk to one of the residents and we were joking about being stuck in the house, well I saw him today again and he said ,,, see being outside isn't so bad. I agreed and said maybe I'll make it three tomorrow, then joked well tomorrow may be raining and coming out in my electric chair might give me a hair do of curls I might not like. We laughed and in I came. Still riding high on being out as the sun beat gently on my shoulders as I moved along the streets an side walks on my journey.
Here's to me!
As I came home yesterday, I stopped to talk to one of the residents and we were joking about being stuck in the house, well I saw him today again and he said ,,, see being outside isn't so bad. I agreed and said maybe I'll make it three tomorrow, then joked well tomorrow may be raining and coming out in my electric chair might give me a hair do of curls I might not like. We laughed and in I came. Still riding high on being out as the sun beat gently on my shoulders as I moved along the streets an side walks on my journey.
Here's to me!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by LeaRachel
I need to live life for ME and am starting today I am going to take those baby steps to getting better, I'm glad I have been broke because if I did have cash, I would be drinking. and as you know that is not a good thing.
it is good to hear that you wish to fight the good fight
Mountainman
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