myhollowhell

So I am an addict/alcoholic.

There was a thread here that spoke about someone's wife and her drinking.
I started asking questions and I gratefully got a message on start your own thread because it changes the topic in the thread. I do not want to disrespect y'all's thread AT ALL so please understand I want to learn.

What does it look like? What does it look like for family and friends... I have done so awful to god things and I haven't been clean very long this time around. Yet I know for me I have a war in my head all day, every day. It's horrible, painful.

I just want to know..when your loved one gets clean, or relapses, tells you things that you have wanted to hear for years, and then they fail or then they do good?
I want to hear what YOU, your experience has to say... I haven't been on the other side of the fence. Yet what does it look like?

I will add, I commend y'all. For someone to love someone so much and not quit.... After the mistakes lies and manipulations. I commend you guys.. I look up to you and genuinely appreciate any and all replies. Thank You guys.

myhollowhell

Okay then I have a question... Thank y'all for your responses because I am learning a lot.

What does it look like? I've gotten 11 months together four years ago. I pushed everyone's hopes up... And lost it all. It's been a horrible downhill spiral.

So what is enough? What does it look like to you guys ? To my family.... What does it look like?
What do I do to have my family love me through this terrifying time?

Don't get me wrong, I have cravings and horrible thoughts during the day. I'm not "cured" it's recovery.
I get his point in thinking his wife is drinking. Gah the pain I see in his writing must be... I can't put words to how it must feel.

On the other side of the fence though, what does it look like? Because my family won't even look or speak to me. When I am doing my VERY VERY best.

-----

This was my post in the last thread.

hopeful4

I posted this on the other post where you said this, but here we go. Please know, I stayed as long as I could with my X, but after 18 years, enough was enough. I had to learn to love myself too, and he had used it all up.

What is enough? That is so hard to say. No lies, no manipulation. No more destroying their lives through your actions.

My X had a year then relapsed. I was destroyed. I could not believe it. All the hurt it has caused me. All the lies he has told not only to me but OUR KIDS. The financial ruin. The walking on eggshells wondering what will happen next. The fear of him picking up my kids, what if he had been drinking? Me being on nerve medication and me and my girls having to be in therapy b/c of the after effects of all of this. The embarrassment of the hurt caused to my family. Making me feel like I am the crazy one b/c I am making an accusation of drinking once again, and once again, I am right. The ruined holidays. The tears. The yelling. The anger. The manipulation.

That is what it looks like from my side of the fence. My divorce was final two days ago. A marriage destroyed by bad choices and addiction. I truly hope this resonates with you. I am glad you have two weeks, but realize that for people who have watched this destroy or nearly destroy their lives for YEARS, that is not a lot of time. I hope and pray with all my might you stay clean and sober.

dandylion

myhollowhell.....from my experience...to put it in a nutshell.....it gets real ugly on this side.
Hearts are broken...and trust.... precious trust is gone.

Most of us have loved..and, still love our alcoholics very much...and have given our "all" to that end.
Many of us get to the final point of just trying to protect ourselves from the disease that can destroy the alcoholic and us, as well.

I know, that for me.....I am looking for actions...that tell me that there is authentic recovery. It doesn't come overnight, either.
We are praying that there will be changes from the inside-out. The changes that come with genuine recovery---in thinking patterns, in attitude and in action.

That is what it looks like from where I sit.

dandylion

SparkleKitty

Hi myhollowhell - I am very sorry if my post in the other thread triggered a lot for you. Let me say congratulations on your 14 days and thank you for starting your own thread. My words for hockeyerik were in no way intended to diminish your efforts at sobriety. I think what you are working on right now is the hardest thing anyone can do in their life and I commend you for it.

As to your question, I don't think it's possible to quantify. I don't think I can delineate a finish line for you and I don't think the people in your life can either. We know when we feel something. We know when we see actual positive change. My alcoholic mother has been sober for many years now but there has been no recovery, no change in her outlook on life. She just denies herself alcohol. We still have no relationship. So for her and I, eleven years hasn't been "enough".

I know it hurts when your family has turned away from you. You have to keep fighting for you, not in the hopes that you will get something back that you lost, but in the hopes that you will find something you've never had. I wish you strength, courage, patience, and most of all, peace on your journey.

ResignedToWait

Regarding what you wrote there...I have to say...the majority of members on this board (the regulars at least) ARE people that have quit on their alcoholics. By that, I mean we have detached and let our A's go be whomever they are going to be.

It's not until we quit trying to control our A's drinking that the Alcoholic can figure out for themselves whether or not they are going to be become sober.

TalenCrowhaven

IMOAE, from the other side of the fence, it all looks like selfish, narcissistic manipulation, until proven otherwise in the long term.

Sungrl

What does it look like form our side??

Like a nightmare train wreck from hell.

The lies, ABOUT EVERYTHING. I was with my XABF for close to 4 years.
I am just now realizing that the entire relationship was a lie. I knew he drank, as time went by I saw he drank ALOT. By the end I did not honestly think a human being could consume that much alcohol and not be dead, and I liked to drink as well. We were drinking buddies, I never did to the extent he did.

Well at 2 years into our pretend relationship I found out he liked to shoot coke into his veins. Imagine my surprise! Now, we had no children together, were not married and didn't even live together. Why did I stay?? Because he begged me, he said he needed me and couldn't get sober without me.

I believed him. I now see that those were my issues. He is not to blame for my stupidity and unhappiness, I was. That being said, he looked at me with those beautiful glazed over blue eyes and convinced me we could do this, we could beat this and be Cinderella and Prince Charming. He was that good!

So I stayed, I helped him financially when the landlord came a knockin, or when the utilities were due. His unemployment checks could not cover all that. Well they could have , had he made them a priority. Big old bottles of Windsor
came first oh and the teaspoon of squirt he mixed it with.

Get three years in and low and behold he popped pills. All kinds of pills, white pills, blue pills, lets see what else did I find, little yellow pills. Pills that made you happy, pills that made you sleep. Sometimes he crushed these pills and shot those in his arm as well. Ahhh how I remember those fun filled nights. Dinner at 2am anyone?

I could go on and on and on.... So that is what it looked like from my side.
In between the countless trips to detox, 6 months in a sober living house,
being made to feel crazy, being accused of being a cold no fun antisocial bitch

That was my life, I tried, I cried , I begged, pleaded, coerced, gave up myself to help him all to have him residing in the county jail as we speak.

Please continue your sobriety. I honestly believe anybody that wants it can have it. I am sorry for the rant. I am still learning to forgive and forget.

He tore out my heart and soul and I honestly don't feel I am exaggerating.
you asked , I answered.

schnappi99

RAW and I got worse after she quit drinking (coming up on 6 months)... all the stuff she was medicating now out in the open. I got raging-holy-$hit-ready-to-kill-you screamed at a few times in front of the shrink.. it was as bad as any of the codie drama I've acted out. Things are better now but I don't understand her recovery (not that I need to)...

Working up as strong an alanon program as I can makes me feel like I've been set free.. learning about my bad stuff from when I was a kid.. changes? F*@$ YEAH- any part of my personality that gets in the way has got to go... the more the sooner the better and the more people I can hook up with in program the stronger I can make i because feeling like a codie SUCKS- don't like what it does to me, her or our daughter.

Yet I keep perceiving reluctance to engage w/ others on her "side" and get outside herself.. looking for the perfect-enough shrink, or the adequately doctrine-free AA mtg, or the non-AA alternative.. don't want to mess with the higher power question. Lots of reasons why not and not now. I am clearly experiencing a different kind of recovery than she is.

I think she has the war stuff in her head too.. the stresses she used to medicate are now there front and center and won't go away. Stress is a killer.. its made me crazy in the past, ulcers, lots of weight gain.. horrible. Something to make it go away for a while would such an easy choice.. like all those other times.. and to be tough enough to stand up to the stress and the temptation is a big job. I sure get that...

Even so what would happen if she had a big messy relapse... we have had that kicking her out of the house boundary talk and I think she views it as a death-sentence probably gnawing at her. So theres some more stress .. bad mom, bad wife guilt stuff too.

So it looks really,really painful from this side of the fence. As for what's enough, I think I'd propose the same answer for both sides of the fence; alkie and codie;

Handle Your Stuff Like A Grownup

.. a work in progress for me and no doubt...

firebolt

From my side of the fence, it just looks sad - for him and for me. We won't make it, and the last 3.5 years will be for nothing - what a waste. The only positive I can see from it all is that I am changing in ways I needed to - and yeah, that's great.
But for him and for us - we're both going to lose.

For me to not feel that way, for the harm from the lies and general destruction from alcoholism to eventually fade away, I guess I would have to see 3.5 years of serious action....and for him to stick it out with me for a change.

yensid

*********

There is no trust.

There is financial infidelity...thousands of dollars stolen from me and my children that will take years for me to pay off.

It's being lied to over and over and over again.

It's always coming second to the addiction.

It's wondering, making yourself sick to your stomach day in and day out.

It's a punch in the face when I realize he is drinking again.

I have a breathalyzer. He would drink despite knowing I would make him use it. I made him blow for months. That's no way to live.

Hockeyerik

Hollowhell-
From the other side. I have been out of my house 12 days. Blocked her number for 9 of those days. I told her I needed time and space to gather my self and thoughts. Everyday since I left she has contacted someone from my family to convince them she's changed, she has left letters at the place I am staying and her parents call me and tell me how great she's doing. I felt smothered when I was with her and still fell smothered now. She has not respected my needs or wishes at all. That shows me a lot right there. But the biggest thing I am struggling with is trust. We have been married 9 months and I have been lied to and deceived countless times. Probably more than In the rest of my 29 years on earth. I haven't completely discounted that she may not be drinking, however the signs don't point that way. Her attitude of controlling and not leaving me alone when I need it hasn't changed either.
Congratulations on your sobriety I know it is a tough battle. Unfortunately people will form their own opinions about what you may be doing and past behaviors and attitudes continuing will not convince me that anything is different. To me recovery is being confident in what steps I am taking and not trying to convince anyone and everyone that I am getting better.

myhollowhell

I still commend you. If you left or didn't leave, I still commend you. You dealt with it. It showed up in your life and you did what you had to do. I feel for you.

Wow. A lot.. A lot of pain. Ugh. How awful.

healthyagain

For me, it is kinda like this as well:

I have this thought in my head that he might decide to change one day, that I do not want to start a new life without giving him another chance. And it goes like that for months and for years. It is like being married to a ticking bomb, one moment he will be so caring, but if I asked him one wrong thing and if it is not at the time suitable for him, he goes boom.

And then you think what is wrong with you and why you put up with such a behavior. And it goes on and on.

Florence

Broke my heart. I felt bamboozled, used. I felt like our whole marriage and relationship was a lie. I felt like I didn't know myself that I would fall in love with and try to carry a man who treated me like crap. It wrecked our finances -- I'll probably never recover financially. It broke my kids' hearts.

Sometimes if he didn't like my complaints about his behavior, he would disappear for days at a time to put me back in my place. Sometimes, he'd empty the bank account.

He always had his hand out, needing ****. He never gave back to me or the family, but was always taking, taking, taking.

My turning point was being home from the hospital with a newborn baby, recovering from an emergency c-section, and he was relapsing and hiding it. Trying to take care of our newborn daughter while he was loaded. I couldn't even sit upright. I couldn't get out of bed by myself. When I found out he was drinking again, I was so disgusted I could have lit him on fire. But I literally pulled myself out of bed, despite having been cut literally in half a week before, and kicked him out and sucked it up. He disappeared for another week, came back trying to tell me he was sober, reeking of vodka, stealing cash and electronics out of our home, and went to rehab for a month. This was all before my maternity leave was over.

After that? **** him. He came home for awhile, white knuckled it for another eight months, then relapsed right before our five year wedding anniversary.

Our whole relationship was me holding the steering wheel and the checkbook, picking up the pieces, disappointed, starting over with lowered expectations. He did whatever he wanted, and my job was the hold up the house of cards. When I stopped doing that, he turned on me. I left him and picked up the pieces by myself.

I don't care what he does, as long as it doesn't affect me anymore.

myhollowhell

No no I need to do the apologizing here. I put this app on my phone and when I responded to this post in the first place I didn't even see the Family and Friends title for the thread.
So I apologize for stepping on anyone's toes with what I posted. Thank you for being so understanding and supportive!!

It triggered a lot... Yet in a positive way. Plus it opened up a new way of thinking. Don't get me wrong I am an addict, this won't stop me from using... As much as I wish it could.

I have just never understood what people actually go through, this has opened my mind a lot. I am grateful.

honeypig

I wish I could have said it half so well myself--thanks, SparkleKitty, for that beautifully worded reply.

MHH, this thread is one example of what early recovery is looking like at my house: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-insight.html

What I'm looking for, if our marriage is to continue, is someone who is engaged, who is involved, who is trustworthy and attentive and responsible and honest. There are many years of actions that are quite the opposite of those things, along with a crapload of lying about things completely unrelated to alcohol.

It's going to take time to trust again, and as others have said, it's dangerous to trust, b/c a relapse can happen in a moment and we're back on the merry-go-round of lies and pain. How do you keep yourself safe enough to survive if that happens, yet open your heart enough to love and give? I'm not finding it easy to figure this out.

I think the one thing every single person here will agree on, though, is that actions are the gold standard, consistent actions. And that takes time.

And you know, I just remembered this, MHH--at about 2 weeks in, my A asked me, in a somewhat frantic manner, when "things were going to change, b/c what is the good of me being sober if things are all going to be the same anyways?" So if it makes you feel 1 iota better, at least one other A besides you has had the same thought, at the same point in their sobriety!

Wishing you strength and clarity.

oceanlady1958

it is living in a nightmare in which there is no escape. it is a feeling of helplessness and hopelessnes. i am a mom so for me to detach is like ripping a piece of my body off. to stay engaged is allowing myself to be lied to, terrorized, threatened fearful anxious angry and resentful. it is going to sleep with a golf club and hidding everything you can while you sleep. it is spending endless amounts of money on lawyers and rehabs to be disappointed over and over again.it is watching someone teetering on the edge of a cliff and even sometimes thinking that death would be at least final. it is endleass broken promises and an emptiness in your heart that will never be filled. we all suffer from our loved ones addictions, and we will never stop remebering them as they were prior.

sojourner

Myhollowhell: I see you are new to SR with not too many posts. I think you are new to sobriety.

Many people here have responded from their pain. When we family members get well we realize that we are responsible for allowing someone to cause us pain (especially if it happens over and over again) but that, on the other hand, being in our own recovery can teach us to see our beloved addicts apart from their addiction and yet distance ourselves enough so that we do not take on the consequences of their actions.

I am the mother of an addict, so I have found that I cannot "divorce" my son like I did my husband. When my father was the alcoholic in my life, I could distance from him in a way that is just impossible with my offspring.

Please do not put your sobriety in jeopardy with this topic. Perhaps it would be better for you to not come here just yet - mixed in here with those in a deep and solid recovery are many of us who are absolutely reeling from the craziness of it all.

You are loved by God, and He is jealous for you!

Sojourner

myhollowhell

I'm not taking anything personal . I want to know.... My sobriety will not be in jeopardy for what anyone says. My recovery is my responsibility.

I have read a lot here. I have gotten a lot out of it... So I appreciate ALL of the responses. Thank You. People are laying there hearts out on here and I am honored for what people have shared in allowing me to read it.