Hockeyerik

On Tuesday my FIL calls me again and he assures me AW has not had a drink in the 9 days since I left. He says he is watching her line a hawk. She is anxious because she is expecting divorce papers at her door any minute. Although I made it clear in the few days after I left that was not my intentions, I need space and time to heal. So feeling the need to not disappoint anyone I emailed her, now I have opened the door and she left a letter for me on the front porch of where I am staying. Her parents believe she is better and have even said they are ready to turn this over to me, I am nowhere near ready for that. I have been looking at the joint bank account as I feel it's the only way to protect myself from what I am hearing. Maybe I am rationalizing I don't know. What I do know is in 9 days she has spent 400 dollars at the CVS where she buys her wine, even when I was living with her and she would hide it.
In the letter she says all the right things, wants to communicate, go to marriage counseling and all of that. I am being very cautious and feel she is still saying what I want to hear. I hope I'm not being to negative or closed minded but I know addicts will manipulate by saying all the right things.
So I am feeling confused and in courage to change I read that confusion means I don't have all the info and am not ready to act yet. That comforted me. I apologize for the length, kind of venting but needed the support of my peeps who have been through it all before. Thanks.

SparkleKitty

Here's the thing, and this is only my opinion, under the very best of ideal circumstances -- i.e., she really has stopped drinking, she really means all those things she says, etc., etc., nine days is NOTHING. A drop in the bucket of recovery. And again, that's under ideal circumstances.

More will be revealed. In the meantime, try to pull your energy and focus away from her and onto you. This separation is an opportunity for you to ask yourself what you want of life that is not dependent on whatever she is or isn't doing. What is your unqualified idea of a marriage? Of a partner?

dandylion

Hockeyerik---it is very obvious that your inlaws know nothing about alcoholism.
Probably, a combination of ignorance and DENIAL.

You will have to keep your boundaries with the relatives as much as with her.
You can be civil and polite...but, do not exchange your knowledge and judgement for his.

Your boundaries only work to the extent that YOU enforce them.

LOl....I always tell others that you have to grow a thick rhino skin to protect yourself.

I know that I had to do that.....

dandylion

myhollowhell

I am an addict so I can't say I have really been through this exactly. Yet I will tell you both sides of the coin with my experience in my opinion.

One question though , did you guys think of an alcohol test?

Okay I have been the addict that has told a guy I wanted to marry him, we got engaged.. Which to me said I got whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. Drugs, anything. I put his heart on the line for my drug. I'd do anything say anything for the love of my life..my drug, my drink.

We'll now the other side to the coin. When I got clean, I started cleaning myself up. I actually bought decent make up, shampoo, tweezers... That stuff is expensive as hell. I cared what I looked like though. It can add up quick.
Really really quick. Yet I wanted an entire new me to present. Changed my hair color. I changed everything about myself. The make up bag I put my make up in. When I say everything... I mean everything.

Now for myself in this situation, I would ....say what you need to say. If you need more time so you have sanity and rationalization through this entire thing. Then do so. Speak up.

honeypig

Isn't it amazing how those daily readers can sometimes really hit the nail on the head? I'm glad you came across that right when you needed it, hockeyerik. That was a big revelation for me too, that I didn't have to take instant action and have an instant answer. It has removed such a weight from my shoulders. Waiting for things to become clearer before I act may have been one of the biggest things I've learned here and at Alanon. And sometimes I don't even have to act--the situation resolves itself w/o my invaluable help. Imagine that!

I think you got some good advice from Sparklekitty, too. Nine days is nothing at all, even if she really HAS stopped drinking. You are wise to wait and see what time shows. In the meantime, you may begin to remember who you were, what you wanted, how you thought life would be, and to start dreaming a new, updated version of those dreams for yourself, regardless of her actions.

The Universe will take her where she needs to go and teach her what she needs to learn, as it will w/all of us if we just get out of the way.

FireSprite

I think you are right to be cautious hockeyerik, there's not a whole lot of room for interpretation here.

$400/9 days = $45 daily.... unless she's spent a fortune on makeup & toiletries or prescriptions & medications what else COULD it be? Especially if it's bleeding out in small amounts that match her previous alcohol spending pattern.

Just because FIL isn't catching her in the act doesn't mean she isn't drinking. (and how stressful for him to have to go through all of that) Still drinking isn't sober or in recovery. Her parents are likely very ready to wash their hands of the drama & turn her back over to you, but the thing is.... she's a grown woman who shouldn't need to be managed & it's doubtful that they even know enough about alcoholism to have ANY opinion on her progress at all. They just want things to "go back to normal" without understanding that normal was NOT ok.

If she's serious about recovery you will see the changes in her actions, not just her words.

myhollowhell

I'm sorry, I have two weeks and that is EVERYTHING . I couldn't put days together , minutes. I have two weeks and I have done EVERYTHING I could to put these two weeks together.

So I completely disagree with this in EVERY way possible. I don't mean to be defensive or attack anyone in any way. In the long run, years later I can see what you mean.

Yet for someone that can't put together two minutes and has two weeks ... 9 days is EVERYTHING. 14 days is all I have and it means EVERYTHING to me.
I have felt ashamed and guilty and wanted to re-do my entire life. I have wanted to start over with many people during the 14 days. I have wanted to take back every lie, manipulation, or painful word or actions. I can't and I realize it. Yet those "9" days in my recovery, gave me that. For that I am grateful. These days have given me hope and presented to me that I have a heart. I have a chance to do recovery, I have a shot at life.

These days got me to wake up another day and hate myself a smidge less. These 14 days are everything to me.

I am don't know this woman's situation but these 14 days is all I have to be proud of in my life, and that is what is keeping me alive and not giving up.

FireSprite

No one is diminishing the value of even 9 hours of sobriety here - but 9 days doesn't have the same meaning on this side of the fence. Especially to those that have been through 9 days 100 times... it is very subjective. To many of us, 9 days is not enough to base major life decisions around.

Congrats on your sobriety!

ResignedToWait

She is absolutely lying. She is still actively drinking, and probably more than she ever has previously.

How is your FiL "Watching her like a Hawk" while she is going to her booze-seller-of-choice?
Bottom-line...her parents are not at the point you are, and are still in denial about the whole thing. They probably mean well, but they aren't prepared to understand the lengths an active Alcoholic will go to in order to continue drinking.
Your FiL probably (maybe) checks on her when she gets home from the store, and she is probably able to act completely sober....but I would **% bet on the fact that she is downing her wine in the car before she gets home.

Mine did. She'd go to the grocery store (her wine seller of choice), and on the way back, she'd stop in a cul de sac or an out of the way place, and down the entire bottle before she came back to the house.
I found this out by (in my worst codie periods) "leaving" my phone in the car on one her trips to the grocery store. Tracked it online in real-time. She went straight to the store, left, and drove (almost) directly home. The gps showed her stopped two blocks away, around a corner near some vacant houses. The minutes passed, and the vehicle was just in that same spot. I ended up just leaving the house and walking there (thought she was visiting a "friend" I didn't know we had, perhaps)...found her sitting in the vehicle drinking directly out of a bottle.

She IS saying what you want to hear. Why not? If she is truly sober, she'd say what you wanted to hear. If she is still drinking, she'd say what you wanted to hear. No difference either way...so essentially, it doesn't matter what she says at all.

The truth is in actions. $400 unaccounted for spending at the store she buys booze from is action. That's the truth. I'm sorry.

I do need to talk about your situation though...you mentioned how her parents are ready to turn this over to you, and you're not sure if you're ready for that.
Turn what over? Turn over the AW-vigil? Is she a minor that has to be babysat? Why are her parents, you, or anyone taking responsibility for what she does, anyways?
No one has to watch her, there is nothing to turn over...she's an adult. Her parents can leave, you can not be there...she can be alone. She can deal with it all alone.
You are. Why shouldn't she?

Hockeyerik

Thanks guys. Hollow hell I see your point about cleaning yourself up. That would be a very real thing to consider but I have lived with her. She has all the nice makeup already, she has a nice house and basically everything she needs. I know from when I lived with her that she was hiding alcohol from me and the money being spent at this one store was enormous for like 5 months straight, she would badger me about where our money was going and it wasn't until I looked closely at it that I realized where it was going and how serious this problem is.
9 days is nothing and I know that, like I said just feeling pressured to take action by the in laws. That is one of my issues I am working on and it is hard to shake. My gut tells me nothing is different, I am trusting it now. Thanks.

honeypig

Sorry, double post.

honeypig

myhollowhell, I think you need to realize that you are looking at the 9 days from a completely different point of view than those of us in this particular forum are. Staying sober for 14 days is a huge accomplishment for you, and I applaud your commitment. However, as Sparklekitty said, it IS a drop in the bucket of recovery b/c recovery involves so much more than simply not drinking. It all has to start w/not drinking, true, but if you take the time to read in Family and Friends here, you'll see how "not drinking" by itself is in no way enough to repair the damage an alcoholic relationship wreaks on all involved.

You may also note that there is some real doubt as to whether the A in question is actually even "not drinking", since she has spent a large amount of money in a short time at the store where she has historically bought her alcohol.

So please, be assured no one here is dismissing your 14 days of sobriety. No one means you any disrespect. But please respect what people on this side of the fence have gone thru, too--we've been around the merry-go-round more than once and after a while, we're not eager to hop back on for another spin.

Best wishes for your continued recovery.

myhollowhell

Okay then I have a question... Thank y'all for your responses because I am learning a lot.

What does it look like? I've gotten 11 months together four years ago. I pushed everyone's hopes up... And lost it all. It's been a horrible downhill spiral.

So what is enough? What does it look like to you guys ? To my family.... What does it look like?
What do I do to have my family love me through this terrifying time?

Don't get me wrong, I have cravings and horrible thoughts during the day. I'm not "cured" it's recovery.
I get his point in thinking his wife is drinking. Gah the pain I see in his writing must be... I can't put words to how it must feel.

On the other side of the fence though, what does it look like? Because my family won't even look or speak to me. When I am doing my VERY VERY best.

Hockeyerik

Resignedtowait-
Thanks for your reply. By turning it over to me he means me being the one she talks to all the time instead of him. She does not need to be babysat and that is the place I am in. I don't think the in laws are anywhere near that stage and of course they didn't have to live with this insanity for the last year. And of course if he was to see the light and realize she is still drinking he would have to admit he was conned into giving her money last week.
As for me I wanted a marriage, not a full time babysitting gig. If that's what I wanted I would get a job as a manny. I felt smothered by her when I lived with her and feeling smothered still with all this triangulation crap. I'm not caving on my boundary to stay away and let this nuclear mess explode on its own. 😃

ang3line

Yeah, 9 days is no time at all. You need to take time for yourself to take yourself back. We can argue whether she's been drinking or not but the sense of self you lose when caring for an alcoholic is what's most vital to heal. Any further decisions come more naturally after that. Many blessings and my best wishes.

ResignedToWait

That's the way to go. No one in the world knows the A better than their spouse that's lived with the alcoholism for so long. When it comes to all this, your gut is just about always correct.


That's a tough place to be. It's easy for someone to tell you not to worry about what they say, but quite another for you to try and deflect them in real life, or even to get them to understand what's really going on.
I can't tell you the number of conversations I've had with my MiL about my AW...where my MiL tells me what "I should be doing in order to help her stop drinking". It's very hard for a parent to, basically, give up on their child. They think that the child can be helped. The biggest problem...our alcoholics are no longer children, they are adults...and the parents can't/don't accept that.

ResignedToWait

Hollowhell...here's the problem for the loved ones of the alcoholic...it NEVER ends. After a countless number of binges, relapses, promises, and disappointments...our jaded meter just breaks open and there is no putting it back.

An alcoholic might see themselves as either a) actively drinking or b) not drinking and in recovery...and while they are not drinking, they think everything is great...that it's a break from the hell of active drinking, and have a hard time understanding why everyone isn't on their everything is great bandwagon.

For the loved ones of the alcoholic, however, it never ends. There are never any breaks. Life is a constant hell where we are not able to relax or enjoy things like a normal person.
Either the Alcoholic is actively drinking, and things are hell that way....or the Alcoholic is not drinking, and the loved one is constantly on edge, constantly nervous, constantly scared, waiting for the inevitable (in our eyes) time when the Alcoholic starts drinking again.
That takes a TREMENDOUS amount of energy and will from us. Once we get to the point that we can't take it anymore...that's when we're finally able to work on ourselves, and let the Alcoholic stop destroying OUR lives as well as their own.

dandylion

Hockeyerik....I gently remind you that she doesn't need to be talking to either one of you about this, right now....SHE HAS A SPONSOR for that. She also has a counselor for that.
If she doesn't...then she needs to get with a program and find that.
AA gives support 24/7.

I don't know your father in law...of course, and I am not in your shoes...but I don't see anything wrong with sharing critical information with him....like her spending money at the store where she buys alcohol.
You can feel free to put any kind of boundaries you want around communications with her.

I get it that you don't want the family legacy to be that you were "a bad unsupportive husband"......
Most families will "side" with their own blood. No all,,,but the overwhelming majority.

They will think what they will...and they will say what they will....that is their side of the fence.
Right now, you are to worry ONLY about your side of the fence.
How the relatives handle this.....well, that is just the price of playing poker....

You have to do what you have to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

myhollowhell

Hockeyerik- I commend you. And I apologize I didn't mean to hijack your post by any means.

I started a new thread , thank you guys . Y'all are awesome people.

hopeful4

What is enough? That is so hard to say. No lies, no manipulation. No more destroying their lives through your actions.

My X had a year then relapsed. I was destroyed. I could not believe it. All the hurt it has caused me. All the lies he has told not only to me but OUR KIDS. The financial ruin. The walking on eggshells wondering what will happen next. The fear of him picking up my kids, what if he had been drinking? Me being on nerve medication and me and my girls having to be in therapy b/c of the after effects of all of this. The embarrassment of the hurt caused to my family. Making me feel like I am the crazy one b/c I am making an accusation of drinking once again, and once again, I am right. The ruined holidays. The tears. The yelling. The anger. The manipulation.

That is what it looks like from my side of the fence. My divorce was final two days ago. A marriage destroyed by bad choices and addiction. I truly hope this resonates with you. I am glad you have two weeks, but realize that for people who have watched this destroy or nearly destroy their lives for YEARS, that is not a lot of time. I hope and pray with all my might you stay clean and sober.