I moved...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
I moved...
I’ve been in my new place for two nights now. I feel a lot of things, stress but it’s good. I feel good. I had a “moment” on Tuesday. I was standing in my kitchen looking out the window and I saw the moving van backing into my driveway. I was overwhelmed with emotion, I wanted to break down and cry but I wasn’t sure why. I guess it was just plain old grief. I almost let go and cried, but I decided not to. I hung in with the moment until it passed and it did.
The divorce papers, which he signed and I’m signing today states that we are equally responsible for martial debt and the house. I wanted to be fair. I wanted to be amicable. Well if you guys remember my story, he was so volatile and so verbally abusive and poisonous to the kids and me, I decided I would only pay half for 90 days. He kept going and going and going that I said. F-it. I’m walking out. I’m walking away. My family has been encouraging me to do this since June. They said – just walk away. Worry about you and the girls. Yes, your credit might suffer but you have to get out. It took me a little bit to get there, but I did.
I don’t care about the consequences and nobody in their right mind is going to give him a few grand to fight a battle he won’t win. He has nothing and nobody really and I imagine any financial gestures he may get will be to keep him afloat – not to go to court.
There were a handful of marital bills that I paid off. Of course I had a motive. I paid off everything that had my name attached to it. So I can say – this is cleared, this is cleared – this is paid – now find a way to deal with yourself.
My father tells me do not respond to him. Unless it’s about the kids, do not respond. I have responded to some of them.
He is demanding an email breakdown of bills and what not – it’s nothing he can’t do on his own. He wants it “documented” – I’m not sure what he is looking for or if he is quacking. He said he has a “meeting” tomorrow and needs this information. I think he is full of it.
The house is not listed yet and he was supposed to do that. He wanted to pick his OWN realtor because you know, mine was no good. But he hasn’t taken any steps (very few steps, in between naps and raging). The realtor came over 2 weeks ago! Why is the house not listed yet?
He says the delay is my fault because I have “destroyed the house” while moving out and that he “has it documented” I did no such thing. 1. When my father took the crib apart, there are a few white scratches on the floor. The man is 67 years old. He didn’t mean it and my parents were SOOOO good to him. It was not on purpose. He said he will be sending my parents the bill. A real man would have taken his own daughters crib apart – he doesn’t have to be happy doing it but a real man would.
Also, when the movers came and loaded up the washer and dryer, my father noticed a leak. He tried to fix it but couldn’t so he put a bucket under the leak. I guess when he came home there was water on the floor. Hes going to send my parents a bill for that too. It didn’t damage anything – it was on a linoleum floor. It wasn’t that bad it wasn’t with malicious intent.
He is texting me demanding answers/money/payment. I am supporting the kids right now. I have not filed for child support yet, I’m going to give everyone a chance to settle down but daycare and health insurance ALONE is $1300.00 a month. I told him I would deal with that for the meantime. He is demanding a check for about that amount. He wants half for the mortgage and half for the bills. Well doesn’t it come out in the wash???
I know it was wrong to walk away from the mortgage but he gave me no choice. If he would buck up and get his crap together, his parents would help him. They just aren’t going to come in and rescue him (I’m pretty sure). He is demanding I take the kids out of daycare (they only go 3 days a week) and that my mother can watch them and that I can work from home, and daycare is an unnecessary expense.
???? - he's grasping....
He’s all over the place and he’s kind of scaring me.
Does anyone have any guidance? I need help getting out of my own head.
The divorce papers, which he signed and I’m signing today states that we are equally responsible for martial debt and the house. I wanted to be fair. I wanted to be amicable. Well if you guys remember my story, he was so volatile and so verbally abusive and poisonous to the kids and me, I decided I would only pay half for 90 days. He kept going and going and going that I said. F-it. I’m walking out. I’m walking away. My family has been encouraging me to do this since June. They said – just walk away. Worry about you and the girls. Yes, your credit might suffer but you have to get out. It took me a little bit to get there, but I did.
I don’t care about the consequences and nobody in their right mind is going to give him a few grand to fight a battle he won’t win. He has nothing and nobody really and I imagine any financial gestures he may get will be to keep him afloat – not to go to court.
There were a handful of marital bills that I paid off. Of course I had a motive. I paid off everything that had my name attached to it. So I can say – this is cleared, this is cleared – this is paid – now find a way to deal with yourself.
My father tells me do not respond to him. Unless it’s about the kids, do not respond. I have responded to some of them.
He is demanding an email breakdown of bills and what not – it’s nothing he can’t do on his own. He wants it “documented” – I’m not sure what he is looking for or if he is quacking. He said he has a “meeting” tomorrow and needs this information. I think he is full of it.
The house is not listed yet and he was supposed to do that. He wanted to pick his OWN realtor because you know, mine was no good. But he hasn’t taken any steps (very few steps, in between naps and raging). The realtor came over 2 weeks ago! Why is the house not listed yet?
He says the delay is my fault because I have “destroyed the house” while moving out and that he “has it documented” I did no such thing. 1. When my father took the crib apart, there are a few white scratches on the floor. The man is 67 years old. He didn’t mean it and my parents were SOOOO good to him. It was not on purpose. He said he will be sending my parents the bill. A real man would have taken his own daughters crib apart – he doesn’t have to be happy doing it but a real man would.
Also, when the movers came and loaded up the washer and dryer, my father noticed a leak. He tried to fix it but couldn’t so he put a bucket under the leak. I guess when he came home there was water on the floor. Hes going to send my parents a bill for that too. It didn’t damage anything – it was on a linoleum floor. It wasn’t that bad it wasn’t with malicious intent.
He is texting me demanding answers/money/payment. I am supporting the kids right now. I have not filed for child support yet, I’m going to give everyone a chance to settle down but daycare and health insurance ALONE is $1300.00 a month. I told him I would deal with that for the meantime. He is demanding a check for about that amount. He wants half for the mortgage and half for the bills. Well doesn’t it come out in the wash???
I know it was wrong to walk away from the mortgage but he gave me no choice. If he would buck up and get his crap together, his parents would help him. They just aren’t going to come in and rescue him (I’m pretty sure). He is demanding I take the kids out of daycare (they only go 3 days a week) and that my mother can watch them and that I can work from home, and daycare is an unnecessary expense.
???? - he's grasping....
He’s all over the place and he’s kind of scaring me.
Does anyone have any guidance? I need help getting out of my own head.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Ya, my X demanded all the financials and last years taxes which I readily handed over. My advise is to listen to your parents, ignore all requests for money, throw away any bills he sends your parents (what an idiot), and move forward. I would have walked away too. Time for him to grow up.
He cannot insist you do anything. He cannot insist you take your children out of daycare nor can he tell you to work from home. He is truly quacking and all over the place. Please lock up your house tight. If you don't have an alarm system, get one. At the very least you can order the signs off amazon for less than $30 to make it look like you have one.
It's not your job to figure out where he goes from here, only where YOU go from here.
XXX Your doing great!
He cannot insist you do anything. He cannot insist you take your children out of daycare nor can he tell you to work from home. He is truly quacking and all over the place. Please lock up your house tight. If you don't have an alarm system, get one. At the very least you can order the signs off amazon for less than $30 to make it look like you have one.
It's not your job to figure out where he goes from here, only where YOU go from here.
XXX Your doing great!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I'm so glad you moved.
My only guidance is to just quit listening to him. Quack Quack Quack. Do not give one more thought to the house issues. If he mails a bill to your parents just take the bill and file it away. Completely ignore the daycare yammering.
Do the next right thing. Document as much as you can. If he has what you feel is a legitimate request - email him that information, otherwise just ignore him. Refusing to engage is, IME, the best course of action.
In the beginning I had to very methodically think about everything he sent my way. Take it apart and decide if what he said was legitimate/reasonable. If it wasn't I could let it all go. If there was a kernel of something that wasn't a Quack I would methodically decide if it was his issue or mine (do not do for him what he can do for himself), I was not obligated to gather information for him etc. If it was him I'd think to myself Bummer for you - but not my problem. If a response from me was warranted I would type out the email and then delete delete delete 'all the rest' because I was good at adding to much which just engaged him further. And document. Everything.
The good side of me found a lot of relief by working through things in this way. A weight lifted from my shoulders. The more I did it the easier it got and I was more than happy to get rid of all that drama. I hated it. The bad side of me took a little satisfaction in figuring out that it drove him insane when I quit playing the game, quit engaging in the crazy. If you want to win - that is the way to do it. They aren't kidding when they say the best revenge is a life well lived.
My only guidance is to just quit listening to him. Quack Quack Quack. Do not give one more thought to the house issues. If he mails a bill to your parents just take the bill and file it away. Completely ignore the daycare yammering.
Do the next right thing. Document as much as you can. If he has what you feel is a legitimate request - email him that information, otherwise just ignore him. Refusing to engage is, IME, the best course of action.
In the beginning I had to very methodically think about everything he sent my way. Take it apart and decide if what he said was legitimate/reasonable. If it wasn't I could let it all go. If there was a kernel of something that wasn't a Quack I would methodically decide if it was his issue or mine (do not do for him what he can do for himself), I was not obligated to gather information for him etc. If it was him I'd think to myself Bummer for you - but not my problem. If a response from me was warranted I would type out the email and then delete delete delete 'all the rest' because I was good at adding to much which just engaged him further. And document. Everything.
The good side of me found a lot of relief by working through things in this way. A weight lifted from my shoulders. The more I did it the easier it got and I was more than happy to get rid of all that drama. I hated it. The bad side of me took a little satisfaction in figuring out that it drove him insane when I quit playing the game, quit engaging in the crazy. If you want to win - that is the way to do it. They aren't kidding when they say the best revenge is a life well lived.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
meggem.....this is QUACKING.Don't let it scare you.
Use your same skills that have gotten you this far (and nicely, I would say) to deal with him.
Most all do squawk loudly when they realize that they have lost their power over you. You can outlast his quacking.
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
thanks you guys. Thumper I kind of know what you mean but it was good to hear it. Yesterday his mission was that he was going to call the director of the school and let her know the girls won't be coming anymore and then proceeded to tell me what the new plan involved (none of it included him. My mom was to see DD on and off the bus, she would watch my 2 year old or I could work from home). He had it all figured out.
I didn't panic when he said he was "calling" I thought (methodically, as you so well put it). Is he actually going to call? Probably not. He doesn't have the nerve.
And second, if he did -what will happen next? The director will call me, I will tell her he's an idiot ignore him and I would go on with my sordid life.
There were a few things that I decided I could inform him of and I am noticing, when I respond to him, he tends to make all kinds of lefts and rights to where it is kind of obvious (if you look at it methodically) that he is just all over the place and I'm not sure he even knows his point.
I will admit today I feel like I still live there. I don't feel like I moved out.
Maybe he really does have a "meeting" tomorrow with a lawyer and he is planning to sue me. that would suck.
UGH
I didn't panic when he said he was "calling" I thought (methodically, as you so well put it). Is he actually going to call? Probably not. He doesn't have the nerve.
And second, if he did -what will happen next? The director will call me, I will tell her he's an idiot ignore him and I would go on with my sordid life.
There were a few things that I decided I could inform him of and I am noticing, when I respond to him, he tends to make all kinds of lefts and rights to where it is kind of obvious (if you look at it methodically) that he is just all over the place and I'm not sure he even knows his point.
I will admit today I feel like I still live there. I don't feel like I moved out.
Maybe he really does have a "meeting" tomorrow with a lawyer and he is planning to sue me. that would suck.
UGH
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
It's just noise. My ex told me last week that he was getting married that day (which happened to be the day he got served with the child support paperwork). I told him, "Congratulations, I'm so happy for you." That threw him for a loop, I think I was supposed to be angry and jealous, or at least ask him who he was marrying. He wasn't getting married. I asked him the next day how his wedding went and he got all sulky and said, "That was a joke." He says all kinds of ridiculous stuff just trying to get a reaction from me. Like a toddler throwing a tantrum to get attention.
I doubt he has an appointment anywhere, unless it's with a case of beer. How could he schedule something "in between naps and raging?" Lmao, that would take effort and planning.
He's just desperate to get back that feeling of control where everyone is tiptoeing around trying not to upset King Baby while he pulls the puppet strings. Keep your doors locked and ignore his quacking.
I doubt he has an appointment anywhere, unless it's with a case of beer. How could he schedule something "in between naps and raging?" Lmao, that would take effort and planning.
He's just desperate to get back that feeling of control where everyone is tiptoeing around trying not to upset King Baby while he pulls the puppet strings. Keep your doors locked and ignore his quacking.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
He needs to keep you engaged. As long as he can take up all that space in your head with his quacking, he will feel like he still has some control. So he will call, email, text....anything to get a response. It's the response he seeks. He figures the bigger the threat, the bigger the response. There is nothing the A hates more than detachment!
You're in your own physical space, now work on your emotional space. Ignore him. IF he has an appointment somewhere, IF he calls the school, etc....you can deal with that stuff then. But don't future trip about things that may never actually happen. He can come up with 10 different plans for the kids and daycare, ignore it. Ignore any bills he sends, just keep a file. He can get copies of bills, etc by making his own calls. He can make his own lists. It's not your job to do that for him.
Your father is right. Don't respond unless it's a legitimate child related issue. Turn your phone off if you have to. You'll get through this. He's going to quack for the near future, just picture him with a duck bill and ignore it.
You're in your own physical space, now work on your emotional space. Ignore him. IF he has an appointment somewhere, IF he calls the school, etc....you can deal with that stuff then. But don't future trip about things that may never actually happen. He can come up with 10 different plans for the kids and daycare, ignore it. Ignore any bills he sends, just keep a file. He can get copies of bills, etc by making his own calls. He can make his own lists. It's not your job to do that for him.
Your father is right. Don't respond unless it's a legitimate child related issue. Turn your phone off if you have to. You'll get through this. He's going to quack for the near future, just picture him with a duck bill and ignore it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
What you wrote could have come from my own xh. It is all hot air, "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow the house down".
File for support now, don't be nice, he isn't worth it...he is still trying to run the show and he can't accept the fact that you are gone. Get the realtor back and list the house STAT, he will never do it...this is prime season to sell, not in the dead of winter.
My xh died of alcohol-related cardiac issues 20 years later, he never stopped huffing and puffing, trying to keep scaring me...but I fought back and hit him hard financially. ..his dragging did not impress the judge, he was ordered to pay a lot more than I would have settled for.
I hope you can relax.
File for support now, don't be nice, he isn't worth it...he is still trying to run the show and he can't accept the fact that you are gone. Get the realtor back and list the house STAT, he will never do it...this is prime season to sell, not in the dead of winter.
My xh died of alcohol-related cardiac issues 20 years later, he never stopped huffing and puffing, trying to keep scaring me...but I fought back and hit him hard financially. ..his dragging did not impress the judge, he was ordered to pay a lot more than I would have settled for.
I hope you can relax.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by Recovering2 
But don't future trip about things that may never actually happen.
Thank you Recovering2!
Keep up the good work meg! You are strong and brave!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by meggem
...... I am noticing, when I respond to him, he tends to make all kinds of lefts and rights to where it is kind of obvious (if you look at it methodically) that he is just all over the place and I'm not sure he even knows his point.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
You are going to be worried and hypersensitive right now as this was so difficult
and you have been under huge emotional strain for quite awhile.
This will pass in a few days when you settle into your new place and realize you don't
have to live with his drinking any longer.
Don't worry about his bluster and threats. As others have said, it's most likely all bluster
and no real damage was done to the house by your parents. He's just being a jerk.
I think you will be amazed how much better you feel in a week. Really.
What you did took courage. Give yourself some credit and take a long hot bubble bath
every day this week before your go to bed. Drink some herbal tea. Enjoy your kids.
and you have been under huge emotional strain for quite awhile.
This will pass in a few days when you settle into your new place and realize you don't
have to live with his drinking any longer.
Don't worry about his bluster and threats. As others have said, it's most likely all bluster
and no real damage was done to the house by your parents. He's just being a jerk.
I think you will be amazed how much better you feel in a week. Really.
What you did took courage. Give yourself some credit and take a long hot bubble bath
every day this week before your go to bed. Drink some herbal tea. Enjoy your kids.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
