He's Showing Signs and I'm Scared...

Old 07-30-2014, 02:17 PM
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He's Showing Signs and I'm Scared...

My boyfriend and I have been in a serious relationship for almost two years now. I am 20 and he is 21. We have almost everything in common and he is not only my love, but also my best friend.

When we first met, he told me he drank. He was 19 and I 18 at the time. He said it wasn't excessive, but he also said he had a high tolerance. This concerned me at first, but it was never an issue in the beginning so I dismissed it.

We moved into an apartment November 2013. We had already had some issues of our own, but none ever about alcohol. Yes, he drank socially and sometimes to excess, but he never hit me, never treated me terribly, never did anything irresponsible while drinking. At the time, he was still underage and couldn't get his own alcohol, so he would have his mother get it for him. It always made me feel uncomfortable... He started drinking more and more and because he was never a "monster" when he drank, more of an obnoxious, happy-go-lucky person, it never really set off any alarms. That is until one particular night:

His younger cousin came over to stay with us for a few days. She was at the time 17. He went and had his mom buy two fifths of alcohol, his favorite and something he thought I would like. I've never been a huge fan of drinking so I didn't touch hardly any of it. Instead, after a few shots, he started encouraging his younger cousin to drink and she did! I was appalled... She wasn't drinking much, but enough to make herself a little drunk. I was so upset and disappointed... I pulled him aside and told him how I felt and he got angry. I told him he couldn't use his 17 year old cousin as a drinking buddy and he got pissed and kept telling me to "go to bed" and "leave him alone." Not even 2 hours into the night he had half way downed the bottle. He was being loud and obnoxious and it was about 2am. He was being super nice to his cousin, but when I would try to talk to him, he treated me like dirt... It got to the point where I didn't even want to be around him...

After that night, he didn't drink much. Then his 21st birthday rolled around... He assured me that he would be responsible and not drink too much. We were living in separate residences at the time due to reasons beyond our control so I had no choice but to trust him. Every time I'd talk to him on the phone, he was drinking a beer or something else. One of his friends he was living with told me he was buying a fifth once a week as his "friday treat." I confronted him about my concern and he said "I'm fine sweetheart, trust me. I wouldn't do anything irresponsible."

Due to more unfortunate circumstances, I had to move back home for a while and he's been staying with his aunt. We've been in a long-distance relationship for a little over two months and he's reassured me that he hasn't been drinking and that I had nothing to worry about. I was feeling so proud of him, especially seeing that he was in a stressful environment. That feeling went away as soon as I heard from his cousin that almost the whole time he's been there, he's been spending his money on alcohol and drinking almost every day. We've skyped almost every night after I got off work and he seemed perfectly fine. I suspected he had been drinking a few of the nights because of his tone and excessive excitement. He insisted that he hadn't been drinking at all. To hear from his family that he's been not only drinking, but drinking to excess and spending his last few pennies on alcohol scares me...

He has an addictive personality as it is and has a family history of alcoholism and I'm extremely worried that he's on the path to becoming an alcoholic himself... I Love him more than words can say, but I am concerned for our future if his alcohol dependency takes over his life... I don't know how to talk to him or what to say or do..... Any and all advice would be appreciated...
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Old 07-30-2014, 02:26 PM
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Well, maybe the circumstances keeping you apart aren't really unfortunate at all. He does sound like he has issues with alcohol, and if his behavior bothers you, then it is a problem, whether he thinks so or not.
Sadly, there really isn't anything you can do for him. He is an adult who is allowed to make his own choices, even if those choices are harmful. It also sounds like his family are enablers, at least his mom for sure. Hard as it is, consider letting this guy go. Find someone whose values are closer to yours and who enjoys the same things you do.
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Old 07-30-2014, 02:35 PM
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Hello and welcome to SR. I'm sorry you're here but thankful you found us.

I remember seeing similar things like that with my current AW (Alcoholic Wife) back when we were dating.

Today, I have a wonderful son with that same Actively Drinking Wife.

I sometimes think about those days when I was dating her and I wish I could go back in time and drop out of that relationship and never let it progress.

That thought would imply that I don't value my son as much as I think I do because I wouldn't have him without her and that is a head-cooker for sure.

However, I do love my son as much as I do. My choices are just alot harder these days and I wish my choices on nobody.

I applaud you for sharing your story.
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Old 07-30-2014, 02:42 PM
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Hi & welcome to SR!

You know... here's a hard truth: Even if you were living together, you wouldn't be able to control how much he drinks, or when, or with whom, or who he drags into his drinking. You would probably try -- I know I did, for the better part of 20 years, when I was married to an alcoholic.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It's heartbreaking to see someone you love make decisions that are bad not just for them, but for your relationship. But the thing is, he's an adult. You can't make the choices for him. And please, remember, the choices he makes has nothing to do with you. Alcoholics don't drink because they're stressed out or separated from you. They drink because they're alcoholics.

I'm glad you're here, because there's a lot of good information about alcoholism and what it does to people -- both to the person drinking and to the people who love them.

Hang around and talk and listen. There are lots of people here with big hearts and lots of experience very much like yours.
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Old 07-30-2014, 04:11 PM
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LittleRed.....He is drinking every day; he is lying about it and trying to hide it (from you).

This points to alcoholism.

Do yourself a favor and read all the stickies at the top of this page. Learn everything you can about this disease.
Read from the thousands of real-life stories on this forum.
Go to the forum on Children of Alcoholics and read the stories there.

Alcoholics are not good material for marriage or parenthood.

At least, educate yourself as to what you would be in for if you hitch your wagon to this star.

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Old 08-01-2014, 02:22 AM
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Yep - there's nothing you can do to control his drinking, even if you try hiding the bottles. Well done to you for recognising the signs; not just the over-indulgence but the lying about it, and the propensity for this in the first place.

It's also important to remember that an addict's first love will always be the drug of choice; in this case it's alcohol. You will always be secondary to that if you stay. There is NOTHING, literally nothing, you can do to change his behaviour - though if you read a lot of the posts on this board, many people spend years trying. There are few things more crazy-making than trying to control what you cannot; in this case someone else's feelings and behaviour. In Alanon we talk about the 3 C's: You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it and you can't Control it.

The dependency IS likely to take over his life unless he decides to do something about it, which seems unlikely given his immaturity and family background. When I look at my family members I despair, but they're free to make their own disastrous choices - as is your boyfriend.

As others have said, read posts on here to see the kind of scenarios you will face in the future if you stick with this guy. In any relationship, it's absolutely crucial to look at the person AS THEY REALLY are - not looking at their potential, or the person you'd like them to become - and ask yourself if you're happy with that. If so, go ahead. If not, it's a relationship you shouldn't be in, because you can never change someone else.

You are not living together at the moment. You have no joint responsibilities. You have no children together, and no joint debts. Again, have a look around these boards at the situation of members who are still involved with their alcoholic partners for all these reasons, and ask yourself if this is how you envisaged the future of your relationship.

When you think of your hypothetical ideal man, do words like: 'drunken, lying, volatile, unpredictable and irresponsible' feature on your list?

It will always be your decision as to whether you part company or stay with him, in just the same way that it's his decision whether to drink or not - and there's plenty of information on here that will educate you as to the future you face if you stay together.
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