I have a bad Mother
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Cleveland
Posts: 40
I have a bad Mother
My Mom is an abusive drunk, & also a pathological liar. Boy, it feels good to say that. I have a hard time being independent from her, basically because her money and house. I feel totally dependent on her. You can't trust a thing she's saying, and when you catch her in a lie; she threatens to throw me out of the house. I'm sick of being treated like **** by her. Does anyone have any advice? She stifles my growth as a young 26 year old man. I feel like I need her though, but she treats me like ****. She is also a dry drunk, she doesn't go to meetings like she should. She claims to be sober, but has taken drinks with me when my Dad wasn't around. Why does she get to sit on her dead ass and collect money while I have to go out and do all the work. She ***** on me & takes out her anger on me, I never bother her, and am SO nice to her.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Is it feasible to for you to make a plan to move out into your own space and live independently of her? I am afraid there is nothing you can do to change another person, only yourself. While you are dependent upon her, I'm afraid her way is the highway.
Best of luck to you!
Best of luck to you!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Agree with Sparklekitty. Start taking small steps to secure your own independence. I grew up with one alcoholic and one who is mentally ill, so I know it can be difficult when you are constantly made to doubt yourself.
Also check your area for an Alanon meeting. That is a good place to learn skills for coping and detaching even while you are under the same roof as the alcoholic.
And you may want to stop drinking with her. For an alcoholic that is akin to condoning their behavior.
Good luck.
Also check your area for an Alanon meeting. That is a good place to learn skills for coping and detaching even while you are under the same roof as the alcoholic.
And you may want to stop drinking with her. For an alcoholic that is akin to condoning their behavior.
Good luck.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
There is some contradiction in your post, skatebowls. You say you're dependent on her money and her house, but you also say you go out and do all the work while she sits around. I just read some of your other posts. I wonder if what you really want from her is something on a deeper level. It's human to want a healthy relationship with our mothers, and pretty heartbreaking when we feel like we don't have it. The problem is that we can't make others be something we want them to be. Any change in her will have to come from her. The best you can do in your situation is start working on yourself.
What do you want that would make you happy that isn't dependent on someone else?
What do you want that would make you happy that isn't dependent on someone else?
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I hear in your post a mix of pain and anger. You have an absolute right to feel both. You're not supposed to be a parent to your parent. You're supposed to be able to ask for emotional support and love from a parent. Not getting that is one of the most painful things I think you can experience.
My kids' father is an alcoholic. They have all chosen to not have any contact with him. My son is a bit younger than you but he's struggling emotionally too. He knows on a rational level that his father's alcoholism explains everything, but on some emotional level, he's still asking "why didn't he love me enough to quit drinking? Why was I not important enough?"
As the wife of an alcoholic, I asked myself that question many times, too. But I think it's very different when you're the child of an alcoholic. Marriages break up. The parent-child relationship shouldn't. And yet, that's where you're at. With a mother who can't be who you, ideally, should be able to expect her to be.
You can only fix yourself. You can't fix her. And I think putting some geography between you and her might help you. If you're working and doing everything anyway, doing it for yourself in your own place might make you feel less irritated at her doing nothing. And besides, building your own life at your age isn't a bad thing anyway.
My kids' father is an alcoholic. They have all chosen to not have any contact with him. My son is a bit younger than you but he's struggling emotionally too. He knows on a rational level that his father's alcoholism explains everything, but on some emotional level, he's still asking "why didn't he love me enough to quit drinking? Why was I not important enough?"
As the wife of an alcoholic, I asked myself that question many times, too. But I think it's very different when you're the child of an alcoholic. Marriages break up. The parent-child relationship shouldn't. And yet, that's where you're at. With a mother who can't be who you, ideally, should be able to expect her to be.
You can only fix yourself. You can't fix her. And I think putting some geography between you and her might help you. If you're working and doing everything anyway, doing it for yourself in your own place might make you feel less irritated at her doing nothing. And besides, building your own life at your age isn't a bad thing anyway.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 51
You're 26, not 13. It was time for you to move out and support yourself years ago, so do it. That way your mother won't 'depend on you' to do all the work and take care of things. Move out and take care of yourself, even if that means (gasp) getting a job. Sure, you'll be scraping by, starting out at minimum wage and living in a studio, but it will give you the independence you need and freedom from living in your parent's house.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I left home as soon as I turned 18. I'm a girl. I got roommates. I worked at KMart and then JCPenneys.
I never went back home and I never asked for money. Eventually my family all moved far away from each other.
It is healthy to be on your own. Your mom should not have any power over you at your age. Why have you not moved out?
I never went back home and I never asked for money. Eventually my family all moved far away from each other.
It is healthy to be on your own. Your mom should not have any power over you at your age. Why have you not moved out?
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Riverwood
Posts: 124
My heart goes out to you.
Please, google "Narcissistic Mother" and see if there's more going on than just alcohol abuse. These women are poison to their children and will make you believe you are worthless and need them to survive. It's not so simple as "buck up and move out" for the scapegoat children of these sick beings. Like alcoholics and addicts, it is all about them and other beings are simply objects to be used and disgarded as they see fit. Narcissists only get worse with time.
I started my own recovery from my N Mother and Co-N/Enabling Father five years ago. Undoing the programming in my head is what helped me to heal and finally get mentally free of them. There are support groups for those of us with N parents. We are not alone.
I only wish I hadn't waited so long to understand what was going on and start nurturing myself into adulthood.
Whether or not it's alcoholism, narcissism, or both which is harming you, this situation sounds extremely toxic to your well being.
(((Hugs)))
Please, google "Narcissistic Mother" and see if there's more going on than just alcohol abuse. These women are poison to their children and will make you believe you are worthless and need them to survive. It's not so simple as "buck up and move out" for the scapegoat children of these sick beings. Like alcoholics and addicts, it is all about them and other beings are simply objects to be used and disgarded as they see fit. Narcissists only get worse with time.
I started my own recovery from my N Mother and Co-N/Enabling Father five years ago. Undoing the programming in my head is what helped me to heal and finally get mentally free of them. There are support groups for those of us with N parents. We are not alone.
I only wish I hadn't waited so long to understand what was going on and start nurturing myself into adulthood.
Whether or not it's alcoholism, narcissism, or both which is harming you, this situation sounds extremely toxic to your well being.
(((Hugs)))
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Drinking with her only shows that you accept her drinking. It would be healthy as a 26 year old to be out on your own. Recovery is hard work and she would have to want it very badly. I agree in looking into narcissism, it's pretty common in the alcoholic.
What is your father's stance on any of this?
Good luck to you. I hope you are able to break free soon. Take care.
What is your father's stance on any of this?
Good luck to you. I hope you are able to break free soon. Take care.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I have a mean, dysfunctional mother too. I have a long history of trying to get my mean mother to be nice to me also. Which is crazy making. I cannot do anything to make her change the way she treats me and that is REALLY difficult to accept and at 29 I'm just learning to accept that. What I'm finding really helps me is distance from her. I recently went no contact with my mom and it's been a really positive experience. I haven't communicated with her in a full week which means I also haven't been blamed for things in a week or accused of being a bad daughter/sister/wife/mother in a week either. Slowly I'm starting to feel better about myself without her constantly in my ear beating me down and degrading me.
Can you find a way to put distance between yourself and your mom? Make yourself scarce while she is at home or find another place to live?
Can you find a way to put distance between yourself and your mom? Make yourself scarce while she is at home or find another place to live?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Ditto this. My mom is NPD too.
Originally Posted by TalenCrowhaven 
My heart goes out to you.
Please, google "Narcissistic Mother" and see if there's more going on than just alcohol abuse. These women are poison to their children and will make you believe you are worthless and need them to survive. It's not so simple as "buck up and move out" for the scapegoat children of these sick beings. Like alcoholics and addicts, it is all about them and other beings are simply objects to be used and disgarded as they see fit. Narcissists only get worse with time.
I started my own recovery from my N Mother and Co-N/Enabling Father five years ago. Undoing the programming in my head is what helped me to heal and finally get mentally free of them. There are support groups for those of us with N parents. We are not alone.
I only wish I hadn't waited so long to understand what was going on and start nurturing myself into adulthood.
Whether or not it's alcoholism, narcissism, or both which is harming you, this situation sounds extremely toxic to your well being.
(((Hugs)))
Please, google "Narcissistic Mother" and see if there's more going on than just alcohol abuse. These women are poison to their children and will make you believe you are worthless and need them to survive. It's not so simple as "buck up and move out" for the scapegoat children of these sick beings. Like alcoholics and addicts, it is all about them and other beings are simply objects to be used and disgarded as they see fit. Narcissists only get worse with time.
I started my own recovery from my N Mother and Co-N/Enabling Father five years ago. Undoing the programming in my head is what helped me to heal and finally get mentally free of them. There are support groups for those of us with N parents. We are not alone.
I only wish I hadn't waited so long to understand what was going on and start nurturing myself into adulthood.
Whether or not it's alcoholism, narcissism, or both which is harming you, this situation sounds extremely toxic to your well being.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
If you have a job and make your own money, you do not have to depend on her or anyone else. Make a plan, start saving, and move out. It might be a tiny little place at first, and you might not have much (maybe only necessities), but you will have your freedom.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Ahhh…there is much more to your story. I hope you find a way to focus on your own sobriety. When my husband was an active alcoholic I kept making him go stay at his parent's house (I was trying to shame him) in the hopes that his parental environment would be good for him. WRONG! I think that a shelter might actually be a better environment for you than your mom's house.
Originally Posted by skatebowls
Okay, here it goes. I have done nothing but help my Mom since my Dad died. I have been nothing but a good boy over the past couple weeks. I have done alot of things wrong in the past. My Mom thinks she can still use this stuff against me. I am homeless right now staying in her house. Yesterday night, I found a Pump action shotgun next to the kitchen, after I specifically told her the guy living in her house had a gun. She told me, "No, he doesn't." She straight up lied to me, then threatened to kick me out of the house. She said your snooping around the house and trying to take things. She told me to mind my own business and severly scolded me. However, I didn't deserve this. I simply observed that there was a firearm by the door. I did however pick up some drinks Monday night. I feel super stressed out now like I'm going to be kicked out to the streets. I get a Social Security check for around $7,000 dollars because I was in the hospital so long. I plan on moving out & going to a DJ school either in New York or Chicago. The problem is, since she told me all this stuff about kicking me out. I feel super stressed out. I'm sick of her talking to me any way she wants to, and I have to take it and kiss her ass basically because I ****** up in the past. I have and am making up for these mistakes, and am not given any leeway. I hate to say this, but she's a hater, and haters are gonna hate I guess. I did nothing wrong to her last night, but maybe she's still peeved because I was drinking Monday night.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I think you're an adult that is capable of living elsewhere, and until then you're beholden to your parents, their opinions, and habits. When under their roof, etc etc.
Based on your past posts, you yourself have an admitted addiction problem. You're accountable for that. The finger-pointing about how much you hate your parents while you live under their roof using drugs and complaining about how they don't trust you doesn't usually hold that much weight here.
Based on your past posts, you yourself have an admitted addiction problem. You're accountable for that. The finger-pointing about how much you hate your parents while you live under their roof using drugs and complaining about how they don't trust you doesn't usually hold that much weight here.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: HOUSTON
Posts: 69
I agree with others. You are a grown man and you can leave whenever you want. If I moved put the day I turned 18 after being forced to hand over my paycheck for almost two years to make up for a deadbeat stepdad, you can certainly do it at 26. get room mates and carpool if you have to. I did it and I know you can!
the only thing stopping you is you. It sounds like you are in an unhealthy sotuation and you just need to get away.
the only thing stopping you is you. It sounds like you are in an unhealthy sotuation and you just need to get away.
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