I'm terrified to be "me"

Old 07-29-2014, 09:26 PM
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I'm terrified to be "me"

I didn't want to post this here before, because I wasn't sure of anything. Things happened, and I just freaked. It's kinda like have no expectations, no disappointment. Well I went out with someone, and I thought he would call that night, no big thing, it was an expectation of mine. Got over it. A few more things happened, and now he would like to talk to me, because we never did that, and he would like to know the real me.

Freaking out here because I still don't know who "me" is. He seems to be sincerely interested, but I don't know if I want to open up. It's not a red flag from him, it's a red flag from the past.

Sometimes I think I react a lot out of fear of rejection, and I really don't feel that is what he was doing, I think it was me. He tried to get in touch with me the next day, but I wanted nothing to do with it.

Can you tell my PTSD is hitting me.

He wants to take me on a picnic tomorrow so that we can just talk. and I am freaking out. I don't want to talk about me. I don't want to tell someone why I am the way I am. I just want to isolate again.

It's getting late, and I should be sleeping, but my voices in my head won't shut up, and that's why I came here.

It's just a picnic, and to talk, and then maybe a hike and I am freaking out because he wants to talk to get to know me better.
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Old 07-29-2014, 10:21 PM
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My suggestion is to tell him to pack <your favorite food here> and go do your best to have fun!
Whatever talk happens, happens, but you never know...maybe there won't be any serious talk, just a shared meal in the grass and a nice hike afterwards.
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Old 07-30-2014, 04:59 AM
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I agree, go and have fun and try to relax. Getting to know you doesn't mean every single detail right off the hop. Share what you are ready to share and leave the rest as "stuff you are working on".

It's okay to not be perfect, and sometimes a picnic with a friend is just a picnic with a friend.

Easy does it girl, but don't deny yourself fun...ever.

Hugs
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Old 07-30-2014, 05:15 AM
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One day at a time. You should go. Dont let your past affect your future adversely.
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Old 07-30-2014, 05:19 AM
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OMG I'm so sorry for you ...a picnic with a friend and a hike! Sorry Amy, but it sounds quite pleasant. You tell him as much as you want to, and no more. Getting to know someone doesn't mean hearing their story all in one shot, it just means having fun with them.
An active date is much less awkward than staring at someone over a dinner table.
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Old 07-30-2014, 05:31 AM
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I'm kind of in a rough place right now so I don't have any words of wisdom but I wanted to share a couple of Pema Chodron quotes that might help.

We can gradually drop our ideals of who we think we ought to be... and just look directly with compassion and humor at who we are.

Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic—this is the spiritual path.

With our minds we make a big deal out of ourselves, out of our pain, and out of our problems. The fear habit, the anger habit, the self-pity habit—all are strengthened and empowered when we continue to buy into them.


Don't let yourself be ruled by fear and self-doubt. You are an amazing woman! Go. You'll be glad you did. xo
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Old 07-30-2014, 05:45 AM
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Amy, you get to choose exactly which topics you want to talk about and which you don't.

No reason you have to say a word about your past or your relationship with your ex. Just say, "That's a long story and not one for today".

Then change the subject. Say "tell me what you like to do when you're not working" or anything.

There is an implied rhythm to conversation. Person 1 says something, and Person 2 responds, then asks a question of Person 1, and on and on. Like a tennis ball back and forth across the net.

You never have to answer a question you don't want to answer. Just give some pleasant and non-commital response, and move the conversation on with a question to a place you feel comfortable.

I understand where you are coming from. I've sometimes laughed to myself if a new guy in my life, when I'm ready, asks me about my past and my family, I could hardly answer on a first date "Well, my ex husband was an abusive porn addicted gambling alcoholic who I had to run away from, my mother was psychotic, my father was an alcoholic as was my brother and my brother tried to steal my inheritance from my aunt".

But that's the truth of what happened. It isn't the truth of who I am or who I am moving toward being.

Think new friend, here, on this picnic. Don't think "obligation to share every last horrible thing that happened to me." Think of the easy stuff that you might have in common - - do you like funny movies? What kind of restaurants do you like to go to? Are you a couch potato or into exercise?

We who have grown up in highly intense emotionally dramatic family structures think that is normal and expected from us. It isn't. You get to figure out how to just relax and have fun.

And if this really doesn't feel right, maybe it is too soon, and that is fine, too. Your voice on this forum is so much clearer and happier, and you have made astonishing progress and growth. So take it in your own time, nothing you don't feel comfortable with. You don't ever have to choose to be uncomfortable again.

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Old 07-30-2014, 06:14 AM
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Wish me luck. Leaving shortly. The reason he wants to talk is because I got upset a few nights ago. I drove out to meet him for pizza, then got upset that he didn't call me to make sure that I got home safely. He wants to know about things like that. Said he hasn't dated in awhile and wants to make sure he gets things right. And I don't know what right is anymore or what normal is. (lol)
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Old 07-30-2014, 06:23 AM
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Hi Amy. I totally hear where you're coming from and understand your fear, having just gone through a sort of self-exposure this week on a much smaller scale. A couple of things I learned:

1) I didn't have to share any more than I was ready to

2) The exposure was SO MUCH BIGGER from my perspective than from others'. I expected a harsh response, but I got nothing but love and support. In retrospect, I can't even remember why I expected such judgment

3) Being honest was freeing. I had held this particular secret so close for so long that I had forgotten to notice how much it weighed. Obviously you are not going to share everything about yourself to this person on this occasion, but not hiding who you are is easier than putting up a wall. As we learn in acting class, "Always tell the truth; it's easier to remember." Which doesn't necessarily mean volunteering everything about everything on the first date.

I hope you can enjoy your picnic and hike just for what it is, a little bit of time spent outside in the company of someone you might want to get to know better. Hugs and best wishes to you.
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Old 07-30-2014, 07:03 AM
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I'm so glad that you decided to go Amy. It makes sense when you say you don't know what is normal or not anymore.... but I think this is a great step in the right direction of figuring it all out.

And keep in mind- Your Normal is for YOU to define. You don't have to go by anyone else's rules or guidelines.... if it is comfortable & right for YOU then it is right.

(((((HUGS)))))) I hope you have an AMAZING time!
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Old 07-30-2014, 07:50 AM
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I too am glad! You are a wonderful person with a kind heart who deserves happiness! It sounds like he genuinely is trying to do the right thing, help a guy out!

I hope you have a fun time, relax, and just be the open and honest you that we all know and love!!!!!
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Old 07-30-2014, 08:24 AM
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Hope everything went well
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Old 07-30-2014, 08:48 AM
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Originally Posted by amy55 View Post
The reason he wants to talk is because I got upset a few nights ago. I drove out to meet him for pizza, then got upset that he didn't call me to make sure that I got home safely.
Hope you had fun!!

This will probably all be solved by your awesome picnic and a moot point, but just wanted to say that there are two ways of looking at that situation where you got upset..depending on the person.

Some people might think that calling to make sure you got home is the right thing to do, and that's a perfectly valid viewpoint.
However, some people might think that NOT calling to make sure you got home is the right thing to do, because it could easily be construed as "controlling", and that's also a perfectly valid viewpoint.

Try not to be too critical of him for not calling, he may have thought he was doing the right thing by not making a "controlling" phone call!
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Old 07-30-2014, 09:22 AM
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I hope everything went well and that you had fun, Amy!

Also -- one thing I've found, even though I married a guy I have known most of my life, is that sometimes, our expectations aren't even clear in our own heads, let alone to other people. And you don't have to explain why to anyone else this minute -- for me, the first step was to make my expectations clear to myself.

For example -- your expectation that he would call you and make sure you got home OK? That's your expectation. To me, like RSW said, a man calling after a first date to make sure I got home OK would feel creepy and sticky and overbearing and borderline controlling. So we've got different experiences, and different expectations. I think the first thing might be to make clear to yourself that some of these things are my expectations and they're not obvious to other people. If you can see them as your expectations rather than interpreting someone else's lack of fulfilling them as carrying some meaning, I think that's a good first step.

And I'm not telling you what to do here. I'm talking from my own experiences.

For example: My husband is a night owl. Sometimes, he'll find out at 11 pm that we're out of coffee and decide to run to the store and get some. It's a sweet thing to do, a loving thing to do -- but the first time I woke up and he wasn't in the house I panicked and went into crazy mode. I was bawling when he came home and his explanation was "Honey, I simply didn't want to wake you up." I then realized that in my mind, I had interpreted his leaving without telling me as not caring -- while in his mind, it was the most loving thing to do, to let me sleep.

Relationships are complicated. But you're only responsible for your end. For knowing yourself and knowing what are your expectations and what are you "overreaching" in your mind and assigning motives to someone else
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Old 07-30-2014, 10:52 AM
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Haha lilamy, you expressed it WAY better than I was able to about expectations, nice! Couldn't agree more.
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Old 07-30-2014, 11:46 AM
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I suggest letting go of expectations and stop projecting. Try to stay in today and not make too big a deal out of a picnic. It takes practice, I have to keep reeling my mind back into the present, which is basically ok.
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Old 07-30-2014, 12:07 PM
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Hey Amy, guess what? you are a great, strong and interesting person! Please don't be scared of that! I hope your picnic goes great!!
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Old 07-30-2014, 12:21 PM
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Hi Amy. I really hope your picnic went well. He sounds nice and the others are right you share what you feel comfortable with that's what getting to know someone is about building trust and sharing a bit more of yourself. If he runs in the opposite direction then he wasn't worthy of you to begin with. Be yourself relax and enjoy some nice company with someone who wants to get to know you!!

Big hugs
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Old 07-30-2014, 01:51 PM
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I have known this guy for a few years, actually first time I met him I thought he would run for his life from me. My friends that I lived with were having a party. My ex had just called me, I think it was re: the sale of our house. So after fighting with him on the phone for about 5 mins, I walked into the house, just saw my friend, and let out a big UUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH. Said I'll tell you later, that I just wanted to play pool then. So this guy walks in and says I'll play pool with you.(very innocently). My friends just laughed, and said you don't know what you are getting yourself into. (They knew the mood I was in). They told him that I was going to kick his @ss in pool, and that he should keep his eye on my stick at all times!!!!!!!

I did win all 3 games!!!!!! (lol). We talked a lot that day, and I wasn't thinking of him romantically, so I probably told him too much about me, and the horrific abusive marriage that I had. So he knows this.

I saw him a few more times and we were just cordial, but he wouldn't play pool with me anymore.

Then I ran into him a few weeks ago. He asked me for my phone number and if I would like to just get a pizza someday with him. I agreed.

Then I got crazy with my expectation of wanting him to call me so that he will know that I got home safely. I know that this is all my expectations, I knew it right after I lashed out about it. It's one of my "triggers". I live alone, and I just want someone to know that I didn't die on the road on my way home. It is what it is.

We did take a hike, and then found a large rock by the lake and just talked for about 2 hours. I told him that I was completely out of line with getting upset about that, that it is a trigger to me, and he told me that he wanted to call me that night to make sure I got home safely, but thought that he might be crowding me. He told me if that makes me feel better, then he really would want to do that for me.

We started to talk about relationships, and I did tell him that this is all new to me, and I wasn't sure if I was ready yet, because I do have those triggers. He suggested we take things slow, go out once a week or so, get to know each other, that if I get a trigger to let him know, and we'll talk about it, and work things out. Also if things work out between us for a relationship, that's great, if not, at least we are friend that can do things together.

He did call me to make sure I got home safely.

So next week perhaps a movie.

Does anyone see any red flags in here, other then it being me? (lol)

Thank you for all of your encouragement. I was thinking about calling it off.
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Old 07-30-2014, 02:10 PM
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Huge hugs Amy. He sounds like a good guy who is worthy of your time, and that's saying a lot. Go forth and enjoy your weekly outings.
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