My alcoholic fiance broke up with me. I'm shattered, sick, and need help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Plattsburgh, NY
Posts: 6
My alcoholic fiance broke up with me. I'm shattered, sick, and need help.
Hi everybody. I'm new here. I've been a lurker for months and now it's time that I try and ask for some advice and desperate needed help.
My fiance and I have been together for just about 3 years. It was the best and worst times of my life. In that three years, she was by my side for the death of my 25 year old brother who battled cancer for 3 years.
In the beginning we drank and had alot of fun together. We fell in love quickly. It was perhaps the best time of my life. About 3 months in, I noticed that she had an alcohol problem. I started to not like to go to bars with her, as we were in a dart league at the time. My unhappiness being in those situations was evident even then. I enjoyed our alone time when it was good, but she drank most of the nights of the week. I didn't find out later that she was hiding bottles of whiskey in her car. Around all this time, I unconsciously made the decision that I had to be the non-drinker. I'd have a couple beers here and there, but she drank to get drunk every time. She would get self righteous and beligerent and if I didn't agree with her over something (probably trite) it would escalate into a fight.
During this time, she was very in love with me. Things were still good. The drinking didn't stop and at night, she would come home drunk. I believe most of the alcohol consumed was from the hidden bottles. When we went out, she would chug wine or have shots of Jack Daniels. Before he died, my brother used to call her 'Superlative Tracey.' Everything was the best thing ever or the worst. The alcohol only intensified those opinions. Along this road, we'd fight. Mostly at night after the alcohol wore off. She'd become bitter and poke at my shortcomings in life. I called them cutting contests because we would berate each other and many times try and make up by the end of the night. It was around this time when I knew for sure that at least alcohol was a problem.
I work for myself and many nights I would detach myself and focus on my work, which was online sales. All this while, I had a minor porn addiction. It did affect our sex life, but our sex life was still good. She would find it on my computer and call me pathetic and wonder why I watched it. It would cause some pretty serious fights. Between the work I was doing at night and the fights caused by the alcohol, porn, insecurities, etc. I started to detach and my affection towards her took a downturn. She repeatedly told me that she needed more in that department. I had a hard time with it because I thought the drinking made her unattractive, when in reality she's a beautiful girl.
She's the light of a social situation. Everybody loves her. She wears the weight of the world on her shoulders and feels deeply for the world around her. She worked admissions at a nursing home and saw how the patients were treated as numbers. She'd express such concern and genuine altruism towards them. She's the most special person I've ever met, but when the alcohol takes ahold, she becomes well...ugly.
During the time of me not showing enough affection, she started working at a bar/restaurant. She was coming home half cocked most nights and her vindictive behavior started fights. I detached by focusing on my work at night. While she was working, one of her co-workers started showing interest in her, telling her she was beautiful, etc. One night after work, she asked me to go out with them and I didn't want to. They ended up going to his house and she called me to have her pick her up. I got sick of being her crutch when she was drinking and decided not to. She called me several times crying and by 6am she had cheated on me. She went to work the next night and cheated again.
She felt terrible, and of course, so did I. She quit the job and was in nursing school at the time. We spent the next two days trying to patch things up. I told her how much alcohol was affecting our relationship and she seemed to be very responsive. The next couple months were spent trying to get things together. It was going ok. Soon after she was still drinking and I'm sure I was still detaching a bit and nagging her for her drinking.
A couple months later she was asked to work back at the job as a waitress. The guy she cheated w/ me on got fired and she asked me if that was ok. I thought about it and said yes. Bad mistake. A full bar at work and a drinker like that is like oil and water to me, but like peanut butter and jelly to her (my attempt to be funny in my sadness).
So things were going ok, but she was still coming home drunk most nights. She'd express her deep love for me, but sometimes it felt like deep hate. About 2 months in, she started developing a friendship with one of the male cooks. I started to get jealous and she said she wanted a break. My anxiety set in big time. She was now my focus. I couldn't do anything but walk, run, pace, and smoke cigs. I even developed an exterior polyp on my anus from the stress. I have no idea how that happened. I believe it was from pushing so hard, trying to poop as I wasn't eating enough because of the extreme anxiety. My personal life was hell. Every minute I had with her calmed me down.
When this happened, a power struggle occurred. She used to tell me I was the handsomest man in the world, that she'd never leave me. Now it was me. I started to get obsessive compulsive about her and her looks. She's beautiful. The sex went downhill. We really had to work at it. I was a mess of anxiety for about 4 months. It took me alot of reassurance from her that everything was going to be ok. All this while she was drinking like before. I was begging her to stop. It was hurting me deeply at that point. I hated to go out in public to drink with her because I wanted to stay home and be with her. In these situations, I was terribly visibly unhappy. Sex and alcohol became bartering chips for each other. I couldn't leave her because of hope. She made a half hearted attempt by attending an al anon meeting with me. It didn't seem to be for her. She never attended an AA meeting, although she lied about it to me. In all actuality, the lying caused by her drinking was throughout our relationship. Mostly it was if and how much she had drank. Looking back, I shouldn't have nagged her or called her out on her lying. I know that now and I feel guilty because I care for her very much.
After 6 or so months of working there, I begged her to quit. It took a few months, but she did. Her parents were very concerned. 6 or so months earlier we had an intervention with them. I was to stay in contact with them and let them know her progress. Her progress wasn't good by any means and after 3 or so months of that, she started threatening the relationship if I was to continue contact with her parents based on that. All the while, she would lie to them to keep them from getting stressed out. I can understand that because only she can help herself, but the torment she was causing me and my emotional impulses, caused me to have no choice but to pick up the phone sometimes and let them know.
Fast forward to the last 2 months. I thought things were getting better. We worked the sex issue out a bit and I was able to start detaching from the drinking. I was spending more time on my hobbies and work, which I had neglected for a few months. In this detachment, we were still together a great deal. I paid all her bills, rent, food, etc. She wasn't working, so she'd stay in bed many days with a depressive hangover. I started to nag her about her drinking. Calling her an alcoholic. Some fights would almost get physical. I had to subdue her a couple times. I never hit her. The care I had before turned into angst, anger, and resentment. The consistent broken promises, lies, and trying to recover was tough. But we did it. Our love still showed. We tried hard. Alot of talking. She's a smart gal. Too smart sometimes if you know what I mean. I think she manipulated me by taking advantage of my love towards her. I'm faithful and she's the apple of my eye. I have no need to drink. I just begged for a normal life and drinking wasn't part of it.
The past two weeks have been tough. She (of course) has remained drinking and the promises became more frequent. They were ALWAYS broken. I don't remember any of the several promises she kept.
In this time, she'd been cultivating a relationship with her former co-workers at the bar/resto. They're good people, like to drink, but don't have the problem she has. She'll gulp wine on an empty stomach. She went to an eating disorder clinic around the age of 21. I told her she shouldn't hang out with them so much because alcohol was always part of their social gatherings. We'd go, and she'd drink. But I braved it and tried to have a good time most times. Sometimes not.
She takes an occasional shift there and took one this past Saturday. After work, she hung out with her cook friend. I was certainly jealous, but I knew she had been drinking. She came home and mentioned breaking up. I was mad at her for drinking and said 'sure, let's do it' ... thinking everything would be better the next day. ....
She had a party for one of the co-workers kids to go to and ended up drinking after I begged her not to and to come home. My anxiety was bad because I didn't see her all day and because she was hanging out with them all day. I told her I needed her to come home. I needed her more than ever. For closure. In an emotional outrage, I called her parents. I let them know she never stopped drinking and wanted to break up and not come home. I was absolutely crushed. I went to see her to talk, but stormed off in my car when she said she wanted to stay. My brother kept popping in my head. There was nothing I could do. I think survivor guilt crept in, constant crying, anxiety, sadness, and the whole 9. I needed her so bad that night. Needed her not to drink. I wanted to fix things. I told her I contacted her parents, and for her, it was done. I was crushed. Totally beaten.
All the hope, time spending with her when she was sick, talks, ....down the drain. I'm filled with sadness because she never gave it a fighting shot to stop the drinking. It is who she is, but it's so unhealthy for her that it hurt me so to see her hurt herself and me. Her parents were mad at me when I called them because I hadn't contacted them to let them know about her progress. I told them she'd been drinking the whole time.
I tell her I want a fighting shot. We have a house that we're renting together and we're both very invested with love, emotions, etc.
She said she's not in love with me anymore. I say, how can you be in love with me when there's a disconnect 5-7 times a week because you're drinking so much. I want a fresh start. Couples counseling. To work on ourselves, empower eachother, love again. I'd do anything for it. But I know there's nothing I can do. I mean, all the time I spent with her when she was sick and now I need her the most now. I can't sleep, eat, I pace, and I'm shattered. The anxiety and fear of living without her plagues my almost every minute. I'm not afraid to cry and I do it many times a day.
I just want a fair shot. Counseling. To be there for her the best I can. I've not cared about anybody as much as her in my whole life. We were engaged to be married. I'm going through the toughest time of my life and I need help. Any kind of advice would wonderful. Thanks in advance.
My fiance and I have been together for just about 3 years. It was the best and worst times of my life. In that three years, she was by my side for the death of my 25 year old brother who battled cancer for 3 years.
In the beginning we drank and had alot of fun together. We fell in love quickly. It was perhaps the best time of my life. About 3 months in, I noticed that she had an alcohol problem. I started to not like to go to bars with her, as we were in a dart league at the time. My unhappiness being in those situations was evident even then. I enjoyed our alone time when it was good, but she drank most of the nights of the week. I didn't find out later that she was hiding bottles of whiskey in her car. Around all this time, I unconsciously made the decision that I had to be the non-drinker. I'd have a couple beers here and there, but she drank to get drunk every time. She would get self righteous and beligerent and if I didn't agree with her over something (probably trite) it would escalate into a fight.
During this time, she was very in love with me. Things were still good. The drinking didn't stop and at night, she would come home drunk. I believe most of the alcohol consumed was from the hidden bottles. When we went out, she would chug wine or have shots of Jack Daniels. Before he died, my brother used to call her 'Superlative Tracey.' Everything was the best thing ever or the worst. The alcohol only intensified those opinions. Along this road, we'd fight. Mostly at night after the alcohol wore off. She'd become bitter and poke at my shortcomings in life. I called them cutting contests because we would berate each other and many times try and make up by the end of the night. It was around this time when I knew for sure that at least alcohol was a problem.
I work for myself and many nights I would detach myself and focus on my work, which was online sales. All this while, I had a minor porn addiction. It did affect our sex life, but our sex life was still good. She would find it on my computer and call me pathetic and wonder why I watched it. It would cause some pretty serious fights. Between the work I was doing at night and the fights caused by the alcohol, porn, insecurities, etc. I started to detach and my affection towards her took a downturn. She repeatedly told me that she needed more in that department. I had a hard time with it because I thought the drinking made her unattractive, when in reality she's a beautiful girl.
She's the light of a social situation. Everybody loves her. She wears the weight of the world on her shoulders and feels deeply for the world around her. She worked admissions at a nursing home and saw how the patients were treated as numbers. She'd express such concern and genuine altruism towards them. She's the most special person I've ever met, but when the alcohol takes ahold, she becomes well...ugly.
During the time of me not showing enough affection, she started working at a bar/restaurant. She was coming home half cocked most nights and her vindictive behavior started fights. I detached by focusing on my work at night. While she was working, one of her co-workers started showing interest in her, telling her she was beautiful, etc. One night after work, she asked me to go out with them and I didn't want to. They ended up going to his house and she called me to have her pick her up. I got sick of being her crutch when she was drinking and decided not to. She called me several times crying and by 6am she had cheated on me. She went to work the next night and cheated again.
She felt terrible, and of course, so did I. She quit the job and was in nursing school at the time. We spent the next two days trying to patch things up. I told her how much alcohol was affecting our relationship and she seemed to be very responsive. The next couple months were spent trying to get things together. It was going ok. Soon after she was still drinking and I'm sure I was still detaching a bit and nagging her for her drinking.
A couple months later she was asked to work back at the job as a waitress. The guy she cheated w/ me on got fired and she asked me if that was ok. I thought about it and said yes. Bad mistake. A full bar at work and a drinker like that is like oil and water to me, but like peanut butter and jelly to her (my attempt to be funny in my sadness).
So things were going ok, but she was still coming home drunk most nights. She'd express her deep love for me, but sometimes it felt like deep hate. About 2 months in, she started developing a friendship with one of the male cooks. I started to get jealous and she said she wanted a break. My anxiety set in big time. She was now my focus. I couldn't do anything but walk, run, pace, and smoke cigs. I even developed an exterior polyp on my anus from the stress. I have no idea how that happened. I believe it was from pushing so hard, trying to poop as I wasn't eating enough because of the extreme anxiety. My personal life was hell. Every minute I had with her calmed me down.
When this happened, a power struggle occurred. She used to tell me I was the handsomest man in the world, that she'd never leave me. Now it was me. I started to get obsessive compulsive about her and her looks. She's beautiful. The sex went downhill. We really had to work at it. I was a mess of anxiety for about 4 months. It took me alot of reassurance from her that everything was going to be ok. All this while she was drinking like before. I was begging her to stop. It was hurting me deeply at that point. I hated to go out in public to drink with her because I wanted to stay home and be with her. In these situations, I was terribly visibly unhappy. Sex and alcohol became bartering chips for each other. I couldn't leave her because of hope. She made a half hearted attempt by attending an al anon meeting with me. It didn't seem to be for her. She never attended an AA meeting, although she lied about it to me. In all actuality, the lying caused by her drinking was throughout our relationship. Mostly it was if and how much she had drank. Looking back, I shouldn't have nagged her or called her out on her lying. I know that now and I feel guilty because I care for her very much.
After 6 or so months of working there, I begged her to quit. It took a few months, but she did. Her parents were very concerned. 6 or so months earlier we had an intervention with them. I was to stay in contact with them and let them know her progress. Her progress wasn't good by any means and after 3 or so months of that, she started threatening the relationship if I was to continue contact with her parents based on that. All the while, she would lie to them to keep them from getting stressed out. I can understand that because only she can help herself, but the torment she was causing me and my emotional impulses, caused me to have no choice but to pick up the phone sometimes and let them know.
Fast forward to the last 2 months. I thought things were getting better. We worked the sex issue out a bit and I was able to start detaching from the drinking. I was spending more time on my hobbies and work, which I had neglected for a few months. In this detachment, we were still together a great deal. I paid all her bills, rent, food, etc. She wasn't working, so she'd stay in bed many days with a depressive hangover. I started to nag her about her drinking. Calling her an alcoholic. Some fights would almost get physical. I had to subdue her a couple times. I never hit her. The care I had before turned into angst, anger, and resentment. The consistent broken promises, lies, and trying to recover was tough. But we did it. Our love still showed. We tried hard. Alot of talking. She's a smart gal. Too smart sometimes if you know what I mean. I think she manipulated me by taking advantage of my love towards her. I'm faithful and she's the apple of my eye. I have no need to drink. I just begged for a normal life and drinking wasn't part of it.
The past two weeks have been tough. She (of course) has remained drinking and the promises became more frequent. They were ALWAYS broken. I don't remember any of the several promises she kept.
In this time, she'd been cultivating a relationship with her former co-workers at the bar/resto. They're good people, like to drink, but don't have the problem she has. She'll gulp wine on an empty stomach. She went to an eating disorder clinic around the age of 21. I told her she shouldn't hang out with them so much because alcohol was always part of their social gatherings. We'd go, and she'd drink. But I braved it and tried to have a good time most times. Sometimes not.
She takes an occasional shift there and took one this past Saturday. After work, she hung out with her cook friend. I was certainly jealous, but I knew she had been drinking. She came home and mentioned breaking up. I was mad at her for drinking and said 'sure, let's do it' ... thinking everything would be better the next day. ....
She had a party for one of the co-workers kids to go to and ended up drinking after I begged her not to and to come home. My anxiety was bad because I didn't see her all day and because she was hanging out with them all day. I told her I needed her to come home. I needed her more than ever. For closure. In an emotional outrage, I called her parents. I let them know she never stopped drinking and wanted to break up and not come home. I was absolutely crushed. I went to see her to talk, but stormed off in my car when she said she wanted to stay. My brother kept popping in my head. There was nothing I could do. I think survivor guilt crept in, constant crying, anxiety, sadness, and the whole 9. I needed her so bad that night. Needed her not to drink. I wanted to fix things. I told her I contacted her parents, and for her, it was done. I was crushed. Totally beaten.
All the hope, time spending with her when she was sick, talks, ....down the drain. I'm filled with sadness because she never gave it a fighting shot to stop the drinking. It is who she is, but it's so unhealthy for her that it hurt me so to see her hurt herself and me. Her parents were mad at me when I called them because I hadn't contacted them to let them know about her progress. I told them she'd been drinking the whole time.
I tell her I want a fighting shot. We have a house that we're renting together and we're both very invested with love, emotions, etc.
She said she's not in love with me anymore. I say, how can you be in love with me when there's a disconnect 5-7 times a week because you're drinking so much. I want a fresh start. Couples counseling. To work on ourselves, empower eachother, love again. I'd do anything for it. But I know there's nothing I can do. I mean, all the time I spent with her when she was sick and now I need her the most now. I can't sleep, eat, I pace, and I'm shattered. The anxiety and fear of living without her plagues my almost every minute. I'm not afraid to cry and I do it many times a day.
I just want a fair shot. Counseling. To be there for her the best I can. I've not cared about anybody as much as her in my whole life. We were engaged to be married. I'm going through the toughest time of my life and I need help. Any kind of advice would wonderful. Thanks in advance.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,755
Welcome to the site. 
It sounds like she's got a bad drinking problem and needs to realize it. You can't make her care about getting better. That has to come from her. If it were me, I'd leave her alone and let her come to her own conclusions. I know how hard it must be but you must leave this situation and let her do as she wants. I know it hurts you but she doesn't seem to want to get sober. 
And until she does, there's nothing you can do.
It sounds like she's got a bad drinking problem and needs to realize it. You can't make her care about getting better. That has to come from her. If it were me, I'd leave her alone and let her come to her own conclusions. I know how hard it must be but you must leave this situation and let her do as she wants. I know it hurts you but she doesn't seem to want to get sober. 
And until she does, there's nothing you can do.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,863
It sounds to me like you are obsessed with her. That isn't love. She treats you horribly and you two have even had physical fights. The relationship is toxic and it sounds like you both need to grow up.
Sorry to sound harsh, but from what you've written, I don't see any reason whatsoever to try to get her back. Sounds like she's moved on and you should do the same.
Sorry to sound harsh, but from what you've written, I don't see any reason whatsoever to try to get her back. Sounds like she's moved on and you should do the same.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
While I sympathize with the emotional turmoil you are going through, I can't imagine a single objective person reading your post who wouldn't think you've dodged a bullet.
It isn't what you want to hear, but count your blessings that you aren't married to this woman.
It isn't what you want to hear, but count your blessings that you aren't married to this woman.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,022
My advice is to conclude that this relationship is over and move on with your life. You've likely escaped a horrible marriage to a drunkard that was probably fated to end in an even more painful divorce. It hurts now and it'll hurt for a long time after now, but someday you're going to look back at this and say to yourself, "whew, dodged a bullet there".
Good luck.
edit - LOL, Carl beat me to the bullet-dodging metaphor
doggonit Carl!
Good luck.
edit - LOL, Carl beat me to the bullet-dodging metaphor
doggonit Carl!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Probably my living room. Maybe my bedroom if I'm feeling lazy
Posts: 1,085
I was basically your girlfriend in my last relationship. She broke up with me after I was hospitalized for alcohol withdrawal. Looking back at it, it's the best decision she ever made. I'm glad she had the foresight to walk away. She didn't deserve to be hurt the way I was hurting her. We've both moved on. I'm sober and she's happy (me as well). It was the best possible outcome.
Do yourself a favor and just worry about your best interest, not hers. Keep going to the al-anon meetings. Just like my ex, you will be happy again too. How you feel now is not how you will feel forever.
Best of luck.
Do yourself a favor and just worry about your best interest, not hers. Keep going to the al-anon meetings. Just like my ex, you will be happy again too. How you feel now is not how you will feel forever.
Best of luck.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,413
I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling.
You can't love an alcoholic enough to make them quit.
They have to want to do it for themselves.
From what you've written here, she is nowhere near her bottom yet.
Right now, backing away and letting her make her own choices would be the best
thing for you and for her. You cannot control her drinking and that's where her focus is.
She may choose to stop, or not. But you must take care of yourself
and give her room to live her life and make her own decisions about how to live her life.
If she does quit, maybe with some time you can see if there is anything left to build on.
But a loving relationship is really impossible with an active alcoholic.
Take care and keep posting--it does help to get it out.
You can't love an alcoholic enough to make them quit.
They have to want to do it for themselves.
From what you've written here, she is nowhere near her bottom yet.
Right now, backing away and letting her make her own choices would be the best
thing for you and for her. You cannot control her drinking and that's where her focus is.
She may choose to stop, or not. But you must take care of yourself
and give her room to live her life and make her own decisions about how to live her life.
If she does quit, maybe with some time you can see if there is anything left to build on.
But a loving relationship is really impossible with an active alcoholic.
Take care and keep posting--it does help to get it out.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: South Florida
Posts: 160
I was your fiancé in my last relationship. My drinking was very bad, and he took care of me every time. Took care of me when I was hungover, had contact with my parents to let them know I was doing ok, forgave me for all the terrible things I did and said when I was drunk or hungover. I eventually left him after 6 years, engaged for two, because I wanted to keep partying with people who didn't give a **** about me. We broke up over a year ago, and I am truly blessed we have remained friends, and he will always care about me. Things were so toxic between us that we could never be together again, but we will always have that bond that no one else can understand. My point is, when I was in my drinking haze, all I cared about was my next drink or party. I didn't want anyone telling me to stop, slow down, or be careful. She needs to wake up on her own. She will eventually. You need to let her figure that out in her own though, or you will lose her forever. She is not herself right now, the alcohol has taken over. Hopefully she will wake up and get help, but you cannot do that for her. My advice would be to let her do her thing, and step back. It will be extremely difficult, but you cannot save her. This was my experience at least, hope it helps.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,406
So sorry for the loss of your brother and the pain you have been in with this relationship. That being said, you don't even really know this person- she has always been your drinking partner, and then a drinker on her own. She will have to want to become a sober person, and there is not one thing you can do to bring that about if she's not interested. This is just not your problem to solve. It's a tough spot to be in, I've been there myself. Let the relationship go and heal yourself, it's the best thing you will do and it will give you some perspective.
Keep reading and keep posting. There is a wealth of knowledge and experience in these pages.
Lisa.
Keep reading and keep posting. There is a wealth of knowledge and experience in these pages.
Lisa.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,001
I agree with soberjuly. Shes done these horrible things to you and has you thinking thats is because youve detached. Coming from an alcoholic. She will only quit when she is ready. She may never be ready. Imo you need to look after yourself.
Still I rise.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oh Canada!
Posts: 1,121
You're problem is that you actually think there's something in this train wreck worth salvaging.
She's messed up. You're messed up. You need to step away and work on understanding why you are drawn to such pain and drama. You're worth a healthy, calm, and respectful relationship, and she's not the one who can provide that.
Stay away.
She's messed up. You're messed up. You need to step away and work on understanding why you are drawn to such pain and drama. You're worth a healthy, calm, and respectful relationship, and she's not the one who can provide that.
Stay away.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Watch a movie entitled The Days of Wine and Roses with Jack Lemmon and Lee Remick. This is exactly your co-dependent relationship that you are fortunate enough to have escaped. Pray for her, only God can give her the willingness and desire she will need to quit.
I admire the fact you poured your heart out - I have found a lot of honesty here on SR, some of which is painful.
Best wishes and peace my friend
I admire the fact you poured your heart out - I have found a lot of honesty here on SR, some of which is painful.
Best wishes and peace my friend
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Plattsburgh, NY
Posts: 6
Thanks everybody. Thanks so much. I'm up early again today and my heart feels like it's beating out of my chest. I tried. Too much hope. I feel like I was too judgemental towards her. I have my mother, father, and friends that are helping as best they can. She's staying with her friends from the bar/restaurant. Yes, I was obsessed with her to a degree, but I loved her as well. I do feel very trapped though. I'm going to speak to someone from Al-Anon today and attend a meeting on Thursday. Also, I think I'm going to try and do some volunteer work. As of now, my anxiety is just so bad. Almost all I can do is walk. I'm not eating right and of course, not sleeping. I feel like a living cause. I don't want to be that and it makes me terribly sad that I have to put this upon my friends and family.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
One day at a time, Vintagedrummer. Just put one foot in front of the other. Don't contact her. It is supremely difficult, but you will live. You will not die. Slowly you will come back to normality.
Your decision to attend meetings is excellent. You will meet others who understand.
Your decision to attend meetings is excellent. You will meet others who understand.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
She lies to you, is unfaithful to you is horrible to you,tells you she doesn't love you and treats you appallingly.You work, pay the bills and she lies in bed all day drinking and you still want to be with her.
You are worth so much more than this. I think you should concentrate your energies on your own self esteem and self worth to realize that you deserve so much better than a woman who treats you like you are worthless and nothing. People will not respect and love us until we learn to have self love and self respect
You are worth so much more than this. I think you should concentrate your energies on your own self esteem and self worth to realize that you deserve so much better than a woman who treats you like you are worthless and nothing. People will not respect and love us until we learn to have self love and self respect
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Plattsburgh, NY
Posts: 6
BTW, I'm 32 years old.
As hard as it is and as much as a bitter pill it is to swallow, I put so much hope into her stopping drinking. I have enough love for her, that if she did receive help, things would be much better. I'd hold her hand the whole way. I guess she's not ready for that. I just don't understand why someone could break up a house so quickly. It's been drawn out, but I've begged her to curtail the drinking. She would be ugly when she drank. Plain and simple. I didn't want ugly when it was nights, more often than not. I feel guilty for being so judgemental towards her. How do I forgive myself?
As hard as it is and as much as a bitter pill it is to swallow, I put so much hope into her stopping drinking. I have enough love for her, that if she did receive help, things would be much better. I'd hold her hand the whole way. I guess she's not ready for that. I just don't understand why someone could break up a house so quickly. It's been drawn out, but I've begged her to curtail the drinking. She would be ugly when she drank. Plain and simple. I didn't want ugly when it was nights, more often than not. I feel guilty for being so judgemental towards her. How do I forgive myself?
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I know it's so painful but it doesn't matter how much love you have for her or how much hope you have. relationships cannot work one sided. She has said she doesn't love you- at least she has been honest about this and has walked away. That is better than continuing to abuse you and treat you so badly.
You have nothing to forgive yourself for, just learn to love and respect yourself .You sound like a lovely,decent man and deserve a woman who values, respects, loves and treats you properly.
You have nothing to forgive yourself for, just learn to love and respect yourself .You sound like a lovely,decent man and deserve a woman who values, respects, loves and treats you properly.
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