what does supportive mean
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what does supportive mean
What does it mean to be supportive for a recovering addict?
How much communication is appropriate? After he left inpatient rehab my significant other and I decided to take time apart (my idea). Should I be more supportive/communicative? I feel guilty for my initial anger and resentment and am battling if I should be reaching out more . . . what do you think?
How much communication is appropriate? After he left inpatient rehab my significant other and I decided to take time apart (my idea). Should I be more supportive/communicative? I feel guilty for my initial anger and resentment and am battling if I should be reaching out more . . . what do you think?
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Hi there Cindy, I'm not sure anyone here could or should give you a hard and fast answer to your question. You are in a tough place right now and nobody here can know enough of the details or subtleties of the situation to say, do this or don't do that.
I guess a lot depends on what you feel is supportive, and what you would hope to accomplish by being supportive. To me, when I think about what that means, I think (now) that it's affirming the love I have for "my" addict, affirming his good qualities, and affirming that I believe he can successfully walk this walk. It means giving some limited amounts of practical help, but at the same time protecting myself and my family from the bad and dishonest and highly disruptive things he tends to do.
In your case, I don't know if it means speaking on the phone or visiting, or perhaps a greater commitment than that (offering him a place to live when he gets out, for instance). It also depends on what he tends to do when he is supported - does he accept help gratefully, or does he manipulate and control and transgress boundaries?
Perhaps one thing to try would be to offer a very modest amount of support, say a supportive letter or text, and see what he does with it. If he immediately starts in causing conflict between you, or blaming or shaming, you'll know that reaching out was a bad idea, but you can always pull back at that point.
It also depends on whether you think the two of you have a future under any circumstances. Unless you think there is a "someday" that has the two of you as a couple in it, I guess I'd ask myself why I was bothering.
Make sense?
Jane
I guess a lot depends on what you feel is supportive, and what you would hope to accomplish by being supportive. To me, when I think about what that means, I think (now) that it's affirming the love I have for "my" addict, affirming his good qualities, and affirming that I believe he can successfully walk this walk. It means giving some limited amounts of practical help, but at the same time protecting myself and my family from the bad and dishonest and highly disruptive things he tends to do.
In your case, I don't know if it means speaking on the phone or visiting, or perhaps a greater commitment than that (offering him a place to live when he gets out, for instance). It also depends on what he tends to do when he is supported - does he accept help gratefully, or does he manipulate and control and transgress boundaries?
Perhaps one thing to try would be to offer a very modest amount of support, say a supportive letter or text, and see what he does with it. If he immediately starts in causing conflict between you, or blaming or shaming, you'll know that reaching out was a bad idea, but you can always pull back at that point.
It also depends on whether you think the two of you have a future under any circumstances. Unless you think there is a "someday" that has the two of you as a couple in it, I guess I'd ask myself why I was bothering.
Make sense?
Jane
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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one way to help us stay in our own hula hoop and not try to control or manage THEIR recovery journey is to think of it as if they had decided to train for a marathon, or went back to school for a degree. in BOTH cases, THEY have to do the work - our running, lifting, eating vegetables or reading the MacroEconomics textbook doesn't do a thing FOR THEM. and we sure can't MAKE them do any of those things. they will put in just as much effort and energy as THEY CHOOSE.
so he's out of inpatient and now is in very early recovery out in the real world. hopefully he's doing meetings or aftercare or counseling or all of the above, styaing busy, surrounded by other recovering individuals, staying away from slippery people places and things. staying sober is full time job...daily...no breaks. if he's serious he'll appreciate the "time apart" so he doesn't have to try and BE more than he has to offer right now.
he'll be just a successful as he chooses. you can't give him any more sober time than he's willing to work for. sometimes the best we can do is get out of the way. imagine he's juggling chainsaws.....best to give him some room!!!
so he's out of inpatient and now is in very early recovery out in the real world. hopefully he's doing meetings or aftercare or counseling or all of the above, styaing busy, surrounded by other recovering individuals, staying away from slippery people places and things. staying sober is full time job...daily...no breaks. if he's serious he'll appreciate the "time apart" so he doesn't have to try and BE more than he has to offer right now.
he'll be just a successful as he chooses. you can't give him any more sober time than he's willing to work for. sometimes the best we can do is get out of the way. imagine he's juggling chainsaws.....best to give him some room!!!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Originally Posted by lovetohikect 
Hi there Cindy, I'm not sure anyone here could or should give you a hard and fast answer to your question. You are in a tough place right now and nobody here can know enough of the details or subtleties of the situation to say, do this or don't do that.
I guess a lot depends on what you feel is supportive, and what you would hope to accomplish by being supportive. To me, when I think about what that means, I think (now) that it's affirming the love I have for "my" addict, affirming his good qualities, and affirming that I believe he can successfully walk this walk. It means giving some limited amounts of practical help, but at the same time protecting myself and my family from the bad and dishonest and highly disruptive things he tends to do.
In your case, I don't know if it means speaking on the phone or visiting, or perhaps a greater commitment than that (offering him a place to live when he gets out, for instance). It also depends on what he tends to do when he is supported - does he accept help gratefully, or does he manipulate and control and transgress boundaries?
Perhaps one thing to try would be to offer a very modest amount of support, say a supportive letter or text, and see what he does with it. If he immediately starts in causing conflict between you, or blaming or shaming, you'll know that reaching out was a bad idea, but you can always pull back at that point.
It also depends on whether you think the two of you have a future under any circumstances. Unless you think there is a "someday" that has the two of you as a couple in it, I guess I'd ask myself why I was bothering.
Make sense?
Jane
I guess a lot depends on what you feel is supportive, and what you would hope to accomplish by being supportive. To me, when I think about what that means, I think (now) that it's affirming the love I have for "my" addict, affirming his good qualities, and affirming that I believe he can successfully walk this walk. It means giving some limited amounts of practical help, but at the same time protecting myself and my family from the bad and dishonest and highly disruptive things he tends to do.
In your case, I don't know if it means speaking on the phone or visiting, or perhaps a greater commitment than that (offering him a place to live when he gets out, for instance). It also depends on what he tends to do when he is supported - does he accept help gratefully, or does he manipulate and control and transgress boundaries?
Perhaps one thing to try would be to offer a very modest amount of support, say a supportive letter or text, and see what he does with it. If he immediately starts in causing conflict between you, or blaming or shaming, you'll know that reaching out was a bad idea, but you can always pull back at that point.
It also depends on whether you think the two of you have a future under any circumstances. Unless you think there is a "someday" that has the two of you as a couple in it, I guess I'd ask myself why I was bothering.
Make sense?
Jane
Support can be various things but it depends a lot on the specifics of your relationship. When my husband came home from rehab we focused a lot on communication, I did a lot of listening, and he was also very patient with me and my emotions. He goes to counseling still, we go together too. I try to be supportive of this, listen when he wants to talk, and we have some good heartfelt discussions. Sometimes its helpful for him to talk to me I think because of the closeness of our relationship and the safety in it, and with other things I think it makes it harder for him and he will work on it alone, or with his counselor, his dad, or a friend and open up to me about it later. Recovery as Ive seen it isnt all work though, its learning to live again, to have fun, to trust himself in every kind of situation. But at first, it was a slow process for my husband and lots of times he would shut out friends, or certain family. Thankfully he never shut me out, but I tried to give him space when it looked like he needed it. There are no hardfast rules, so trust your own instincts and I think share your feelings with him and say I want to know how I can support you right now and be a healthy part of your life. Hopefully he will be honest and tell you what he's feeling. Go to the source.
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