My heart is slowly breaking
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 39
My heart is slowly breaking
I've been trying to write this post for about a month. I don't know what will make me actually hit the submit button this time, except for the fact that I'm so exhausted and heart broken that I need the support.
Logically, rationally, for my sanity's sake I see no future with my ABF. I can't stay with him anymore. I have told him that I'm not moving in with him until he is in recovery and sober, and he seems to think he doesn't have the time to deal with it now without sacrificing his career. I hate writing that. Even when I want to make him sound like a guy in a tough position, I can't. He sounds like a selfish a**hole.
Since his DUI in February, I've avoided making this decision like the plague. I've hoped he would actually take some ownership, man up, and make an adult decision for once in his life. But it does not seem to be the case. He decided that he would just decrease it enough that compared to anyone else his drinking is normal. Which does not apply when you're an alcoholic. Back to the point, a month before he got his DUI I made the decision to change my career at the end of August. My last contract ends then and I decided that it was simply a good time in my life to make this change. I didn't want to make the decisions about our relationship until I found a real job because I didn't want to confuse "breaking up with my job" feelings with "breaking up with my ABF" feelings. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I don't think I have a choice anymore. So I get to do both at the same time.
I hate it. I hate that the best thing for me is to break up with someone I love. I hate that he can't just be a huge, unflinching a**hole, because lately he's had a bunch of sweet moments, like taking care of me or buying me an unexpected present, etc. I hate that it's going to take more energy out of me that I don't have right now. I hate that I feel as if I'm breaking up with 2 big things in my life that I loved.
My friends and therapist support me, but I haven't told my parents. My mom is just too overbearing for her own good sometimes. It's sad to think that if I have the strength to tell my mom the truth about my ABF, then telling him will seem like a piece of cake.
I'm hoping to tell him mid-end of August. I'll be busy with 2 jobs and it'll leave me with a month to recover before my parents visit. And hopefully I'll be in a stronger place when I'm only working 50 hour weeks and not 60.
The next few weeks will be about taking care of myself and trying not to feel consumed with guilt and remorse. Any love, advice, support is greatly appreciated. I need to remember that with the way things are right now, my relationship will not get better.
Thank you <3
Logically, rationally, for my sanity's sake I see no future with my ABF. I can't stay with him anymore. I have told him that I'm not moving in with him until he is in recovery and sober, and he seems to think he doesn't have the time to deal with it now without sacrificing his career. I hate writing that. Even when I want to make him sound like a guy in a tough position, I can't. He sounds like a selfish a**hole.
Since his DUI in February, I've avoided making this decision like the plague. I've hoped he would actually take some ownership, man up, and make an adult decision for once in his life. But it does not seem to be the case. He decided that he would just decrease it enough that compared to anyone else his drinking is normal. Which does not apply when you're an alcoholic. Back to the point, a month before he got his DUI I made the decision to change my career at the end of August. My last contract ends then and I decided that it was simply a good time in my life to make this change. I didn't want to make the decisions about our relationship until I found a real job because I didn't want to confuse "breaking up with my job" feelings with "breaking up with my ABF" feelings. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I don't think I have a choice anymore. So I get to do both at the same time.
I hate it. I hate that the best thing for me is to break up with someone I love. I hate that he can't just be a huge, unflinching a**hole, because lately he's had a bunch of sweet moments, like taking care of me or buying me an unexpected present, etc. I hate that it's going to take more energy out of me that I don't have right now. I hate that I feel as if I'm breaking up with 2 big things in my life that I loved.
My friends and therapist support me, but I haven't told my parents. My mom is just too overbearing for her own good sometimes. It's sad to think that if I have the strength to tell my mom the truth about my ABF, then telling him will seem like a piece of cake.
I'm hoping to tell him mid-end of August. I'll be busy with 2 jobs and it'll leave me with a month to recover before my parents visit. And hopefully I'll be in a stronger place when I'm only working 50 hour weeks and not 60.
The next few weeks will be about taking care of myself and trying not to feel consumed with guilt and remorse. Any love, advice, support is greatly appreciated. I need to remember that with the way things are right now, my relationship will not get better.
Thank you <3
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
idledreamer,
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
I'm so glad you posted this. I think sometimes just getting things out and posting or telling others give us so much more strength.
I can see you entering a new and beautiful life.
more ((((((((hugs)))))))
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
I'm so glad you posted this. I think sometimes just getting things out and posting or telling others give us so much more strength.
I can see you entering a new and beautiful life.
more ((((((((hugs)))))))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
It sounds like you have thought this through pretty thoroughly. And even if the timing in one way doesn't seem to be ideal -- in another way, it might be. You could choose to look at it like you're starting a brand new life on two fronts rather than "breaking up with two things", right?
Your post also made me think of how we define "love" again. When I was married to an A, I at one point realized that I didn't know the difference between love and pity. What I called love was really only a mix of feeling sorry for him and being worried about what would happen (to him and me) if I left.
Love isn't supposed to be about compromising with what you are and what you want so that someone else can continue doing things that make your life miserable.
Hard as it may be to deal with these two things at once, look at it as a housecleaning. A really thorough one. And as for your mom? Her opinions are her opinions. You know she'll have them. She has a right to them. And you have a right to close your earlids (don't you wish we had those sometimes?) and ignore her.
Onwards and upwards!!!
Your post also made me think of how we define "love" again. When I was married to an A, I at one point realized that I didn't know the difference between love and pity. What I called love was really only a mix of feeling sorry for him and being worried about what would happen (to him and me) if I left.
Love isn't supposed to be about compromising with what you are and what you want so that someone else can continue doing things that make your life miserable.
Hard as it may be to deal with these two things at once, look at it as a housecleaning. A really thorough one. And as for your mom? Her opinions are her opinions. You know she'll have them. She has a right to them. And you have a right to close your earlids (don't you wish we had those sometimes?) and ignore her.
Onwards and upwards!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Like Lillamy, I think it's poetic in a way that you will be going through all these changes at the same time. Sometimes I think it's easier to take it in big strides like that & not allowing yourself time to slowly remove the Band-Aid, hair by hair. 
(((((((hugs)))))))) I'm sorry you are hurting so much right now.
(((((((hugs)))))))) I'm sorry you are hurting so much right now.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: VA
Posts: 142
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I am going through the same, only my ABF seems to be in much worse shape than yours. I finally got the strength to block him from my phone today. I have taken a lot of verbal abuse from him lately and just can't do it anymore. I am the last person that should be giving anyone advice because of all the horrible behavior I put up with. And because of that, my self esteem is shot. I wish I had walked away sooner. But now is much better than later. I started counseling last week, am going to Al Anon and have found support on here as well. I wish you the strength I didn't have, but am starting to find.
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: over there
Posts: 253
Sounds callous but at least you are not writing this post in 18 years time. It's hard but it will get better and I wish I had the strength to do the same as you sooner. It won't get any easier leaving it. Trust me. Since deciding to split with my exah he's almost stopped drinking but I just know if I give him the green light to stay he will be back to his usual antics. It never gets better...ever. Get out while you are still relatively unscathed and I am not saying that to trivialise how you feel but the longer you dig in the worse it gets and the worse you will feel and then it gets even harder to get away.((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
"I hate it. I hate that the best thing for me is to break up with someone I love."
I divorced someone that I loved. It was the single best thing that I have ever done for myself. Ever. And the hardest thing.
I divorced someone that I loved. It was the single best thing that I have ever done for myself. Ever. And the hardest thing.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
I heard on a podcast today that the biggest gift we can give someone is allowing them to be responsible for themselves. That concept is helping me be strong all day!! It hurts I know but you are so healthy. Be proud of yourself!!
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 15
I'm so proud of your bravery. I wish I had the courage to do that 20 years ago, instead of marrying and having two kids with the addict. Now, it's a messy divorce and I'm 40 years old and about to lose my surrogate family and my home. May God bless you and keep you, you are wiser than you know.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 39
Thank you so much for all of your support, tough love and advice! It's a godsend to have people who truly understand how I'm feeling and the implications of just "staying until I feel able to deal with it". I love my friends, but they don't fully get it, you know?
Today, anytime I've felt guilty or being overwhelmed with indecision, I just pulled up this thread on my phone. It helped ground my thoughts, even if I could only look for only a minute. So THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!
Dandylion - That is a very good question with a very messy answer, but I'll try and make it concise.
I am afraid to tell her because I don't trust that her emotional response will be rational. I don't trust that she will see that this is the best thing for me. She has not be supportive in my career change (which is going from a no-benefits-contracted-for-only-3-months theater job to a full-time-with-benefits-and-a-decent-salary office job). It's especially infuriating when everyone else, INCLUDING my theater coworkers, think it's a great idea and that I'm being really smart about how I'm going about it. It makes me question whether she will see this breakup as the best decision for me.
Plus, when I tell her, she'll interrogate me for weeks about it while simultaneously telling everyone under the sun about it. And asking her not to do either would be akin to me asking for her to cut her own heart out. It makes no sense, but she's not healthy. In fact, over the past few months I've realized how emotionally abuse her relationship with me and my brothers can be. It's something I'm working on, but unfortunately for her the best way I've got to protect myself is to be selective about what we talk about. I no longer talk about the struggles and thoughts I have about changing my job, unless it's good news. I'm not looking forward to dealing with her overblown reaction to this along with everyone in my family knowing what I've been through.
Again, thank you to everyone who has responded!! MASSIVE HUGS TO ALL OF YOU! <3
Today, anytime I've felt guilty or being overwhelmed with indecision, I just pulled up this thread on my phone. It helped ground my thoughts, even if I could only look for only a minute. So THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!
Idledreamer...may I ask...why are you so afraid to tell your mother....?
Was she "against" your being with him.perhaps....?
dandylion
Was she "against" your being with him.perhaps....?
dandylion
I am afraid to tell her because I don't trust that her emotional response will be rational. I don't trust that she will see that this is the best thing for me. She has not be supportive in my career change (which is going from a no-benefits-contracted-for-only-3-months theater job to a full-time-with-benefits-and-a-decent-salary office job). It's especially infuriating when everyone else, INCLUDING my theater coworkers, think it's a great idea and that I'm being really smart about how I'm going about it. It makes me question whether she will see this breakup as the best decision for me.
Plus, when I tell her, she'll interrogate me for weeks about it while simultaneously telling everyone under the sun about it. And asking her not to do either would be akin to me asking for her to cut her own heart out. It makes no sense, but she's not healthy. In fact, over the past few months I've realized how emotionally abuse her relationship with me and my brothers can be. It's something I'm working on, but unfortunately for her the best way I've got to protect myself is to be selective about what we talk about. I no longer talk about the struggles and thoughts I have about changing my job, unless it's good news. I'm not looking forward to dealing with her overblown reaction to this along with everyone in my family knowing what I've been through.
Again, thank you to everyone who has responded!! MASSIVE HUGS TO ALL OF YOU! <3
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Maybe you can lump mom into this recovery mission, too. That's likely where you picked up the skills to find and care for an A. (My mother is a narcissistic alcoholic, so trust me, I get it. I made my fair share of bad relationship choices rooted in her abusive nature.) I think this is going to be amazing for you. No matter how much you may think you love another person, you have to love yourself more. You can't share with others what you don't really have. Make sense?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Idledreamer...OKKKKk....I sure do get your drift about your mother. I completely understand, now. And, I agree that NWGRITS gives some very good advice in her post, above.
And, I also think that this is going to be amazing for you.
The right thing and the hardest thing are, sometimes, the same. (ugh!).
As long as you are making your decisions for your own best welfare...you will not go wrong in the long run.
Best that you are learning this while you are still young!!!!!!!!!
Please hang around....
dandylion
And, I also think that this is going to be amazing for you.
The right thing and the hardest thing are, sometimes, the same. (ugh!).
As long as you are making your decisions for your own best welfare...you will not go wrong in the long run.
Best that you are learning this while you are still young!!!!!!!!!
Please hang around....
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 39
NWGRITS - Oh you are so right about my mother, but sadly she isn't the only one that I picked up the skills from. My family is a crash course of how to end up an enabler. Luckily I see that early in my life, and I can make positive changes from here on out. 
When I become overwhelmed by the changes, I kept reminding myself of this phrase: "If you're not scared, you're not doing it right." Which helps to slow me down and identify what is scaring me and then decide how to face it. Also, it helps identify if it's a good scared or a bad scared.
Honestly I've felt so much better in the last 24 hours because of this thread. Thank you! I really, really needed to hear all of this. It helps me feel stronger.
(HUGS)
When I become overwhelmed by the changes, I kept reminding myself of this phrase: "If you're not scared, you're not doing it right." Which helps to slow me down and identify what is scaring me and then decide how to face it. Also, it helps identify if it's a good scared or a bad scared.
Honestly I've felt so much better in the last 24 hours because of this thread. Thank you! I really, really needed to hear all of this. It helps me feel stronger.
(HUGS)
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
