Blossom717

I usually post on F&F of Alcoholics Forum. But I'm venturing out

My ABF has been "sober" from alcohol for about 2 weeks now. I'm glad for it. But I don't see him working any kind of program. He's been smoking pot/hash almost constantly since not drinking. (he was a smoker before, but now its like his main goal).

Is this sobriety?

Raider

Not for me That is not. I can't judge someone else.

Sungrl

Not even close (imo)

AnvilheadII

He's been smoking pot/hash almost constantly since not drinking

nope, that's called STONED.

Sadie33

Sobriety is not just not using, it's a way of life. All he has done is change his DOC from alcohol to pot.

Eddiebuckle

Not in my opinion - it sounds like hanging on for dear life with anything to substitute what he wants: alcohol.

Taking5

I have to agree with most everyone else here - that is not sobriety.

heartbrokenK

I think it's substituting one DOC for another. IMO perhaps abstaining from alcohol makes him "dry" but he's still smoking.

Windancer

If it is still a constant habit that is a very high priority, (or the highest), and if it gets in the way of other things, or he doesn't want to do anything without a puff first, and he is usually stoned, than nope that isn't sobriety at all. It may be less volatile than living with an active alcoholic, but escaping reality is escaping reality.

MIRecovery

Switching addictions is what we do. Common but not sobriety. It's not even abstinence.

hopeful4

Wasnt he so stoned that he hit your car the other day? No matter where you post this the answer keeps being the same. I dont say that to be unkind but more so you see this for what it is.

Hugs

doubledoublewin

My AH started with pot and gambling. He started going to GA, but kept doing pot and drinking. Then, the porn addiction set in. He got help for that, quit pot, but kept drinking. Finally, he had a gambling slip, a marijuana slip, and a crystal meth overdose in the same week, all while high on vicodin. He went to rehab, quit after 11 days, started going to rational recovery meetings, and then immediately started a year-long emotional affair with a 20 year-old co-worker. But he's sober now, really!

Blossom717

Hopeful4 - Thanks, you aren't being unkind. I guess I just wanted to make sure I'm not being crazy for thinking this isn't sobriety.
I grew up with my dad being emotional abusive, stoned all the time and doing coke (etc) , my step dad was an abusive alcoholic/pill addict.

I guess I just need to reassure myself this isn't "normal"

zoso77

No.

And let's be clear about what sobriety and/or recovery are. It's more than abstaining from alcohol and/or drugs. It's about getting honest with yourself. It's about holding yourself accountable for the things you do. It is a lifelong commitment, not two weeks of not drinking.

hopeful4

Blossom, my heart just breaks for you that you have been through so much, more than any person should have to endure. Break the chain for your child.

Much Love!!!

Blossom717

hopeful - One thing I have learned in this process is that I can break that chain. But I still am having that self-doubt a bit. I know my mom stayed with my dad for 20 years, hoping he would straighten out. (she finally kicked him outwhen she realized he was producing drugs in his garage). 10 years later, he is still just as bad, lives with his drug dealer with no job. My brother supports him financially.

I guess I just have to be brave, take that step. I can take my mom's experience in with mine and use it to know the difference. The tune ABF sang when I left was one of change and hope. Now he's wondering why I'm not skipping home everyday. We aren't allowed to talk about anything that would require him to connect with himself. He refuses to go to AA since I got back home.

Is there such thing as confidence dust? like fairy dust?

biminiblue

You already left once. Then there was this fantasy vacation.

You know you can do it. You don't need fairy dust. Just go.

hopeful4

I wish there were confidence dust....and fairy dust! One thing I hear from you is that your dad is still just as bad. Let me ask you this, how did your mom's life change when she made him get out? I am curious about this. Put the focus back on YOU, not him.

If you think that your leaving will force him to change, that is not likely. The only change you can control is your own.

Gentle hugs my friend.

Vale

a DOC is a DOC is a DOC.

Gentle hugs also, my friend.

needingabreak

Blossom I agree with everyone else pretty much he is changing one DOC for another.
You know the answer and when you are ready you will make the decision. it is not easy when you love someone and have to go out on your own. Having had an abusive dad as well as addicts for father figures it really isn't surprising you married one. The good news is you can break this cycle. You know you deserve better and you know he isn't going to change, especially if you aren't even allowed to discuss it. Do what is best for YOU. So sorry you are going through this.