Seneca7

At the behest of an old friend, I finally went to an Al-Anon meeting. It was kind of spur of the moment, so I didn't have time to make up an excuse as to where I was going. I said it was a support-group-type-thingy, dropped the words "codependent" and "therapist" in the mix (although my therapist didn't exactly recommend Al-Anon).

When I got back, I explained what it was and why I had decided to check it out. He got very defensive, told me "I feel sorry for you, that you have to go to a 12-step support group to handle being with me."

As I tried to explain it, he got more and more belligerent and basically started yelling, telling me that this wasn't a problem, that I'm causing problems by trying to fix problems that don't exist, that I ALWAYS do this, etc.

When we had time to talk about it later, he wouldn't say anything for a LONG time, and all he really said was that he doesn't apologize for what he said, that he loves me, and that he is choosing his words very carefully.

I'm really just thankful I got this whole thing out of the way so it isn't hanging over me, but I don't know where this leaves us. I'm not a believer in the 12 steps, but I am a very strong believer in not being a narrow-minded boob about something that could be positive for me. Its difficult having to defend something I don't believe in to someone who is ridiculing me for even bringing it up.

Thumper

I went and just didn't talk to him about it. You don't need his approval or understanding to go to the meetings. If he brought it up I'd just say "I hear you." or "I understand your point of view." and nothing more. I'd take a walk or a shower behind a locked door if he wouldn't drop it after that.

That is what worked for me with regards to al-anon and a whole lot of other things.

Seneca7

The biggest issue with his drinking is that I feel alienated by it unless I am also drinking. He stays up late and we don't really talk much during the day. I went to Al-Anon to see if it might take the edge off of it, but I'm thinking it will just tear us apart. For better or for worse.

happybeingme

Seneca I am concerned that you say you feel alienated unless you are drinking with him. I would hate for you to spiral into alcoholism yourself just because you feel you can only connect with him that way.

You deserve better then that.

atalose

What were your expectations with al-anon? What did you mean you though it would take the edge off of it….off of what HIS alcoholism, his ignoring you, his silence?

With alcoholics/addicts YOU will NEVER be first in their lives, NEVER a priority and YOUR feelings will never matter to them as much as their own when they are in active addiction.

Al-anon is for YOU, for you to learn to live with active alcoholism and how to better handle all the things we face with those we love in active addiction.

I personally don’t believe in for better or worse because I do not believe my hire power is a punishing one who would make me stay and endure cruel treatment from anyone. I rather believe my hire power guides me to find the strength and courage to make ME matter.

Seneca7

@atalose, I think you misunderstood my post. I went to Al-Anon so that whether I stay with him or not, the divide between us might not bother me as much. And "for better or for worse" means that whichever response he chooses---supporting me or ridiculing me---we had to have this conversation sooner or later. And I'm glad it happened sooner.

@happybeingme, I've been pretty good about not spiraling into alcoholism so far, but I do notice that his drinking bothers me more when I'm not drinking, or at least not drinking much. His drinking is only an obvious problem late at night, but during the day, our interactions are pretty superficial, which is almost as bad. It just doesn't seem like we can bond over anything else anymore.

EDIT: Actually, I think the main reason I went to Al-Anon was just to get some perspective. I am around my fiance most of the time, and there's a growing and inevitable loss of objectivity that comes with that kind of proximity. I don't really agree with the 12 steps, but I don't really agree with drinking every day, either, and in this AA-dominated society, there's not much of a third option.

schnappi99

I started with alanon in Feb to work on my codependency, my wife is working on her own program. The interesting thing about the 12-Step stuff is you don't have to agree with it, recovery involves just doing it. That said, anywhere theres people the bad comes with the good. Which isn't to say its the only way.. but I find it works for me- to shed the anger and frustration, to feel better & find some happiness each day. It took a few months to start getting with the program.. but its helped a lot.

CodeJob

Hi Seneca,

I am glad you tried it. I am not a full throttle Al Anon person, but I have found the steps life changing. I also found a great sponsor as I was 1/4 of the way through my step 4.

As for RAH, he vaguely knows I am doing the steps. We don't talk about my sponsor or my meeting attendance (I go once a week during work). Twenty years of marriage, so we are both adept at leaving somethings BURIED. We both came of age in the age of Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Pretty Clintonian, but it avoids the whole blustery blame game and fear of change accusations...

TalenCrowhaven

In my own experience, an A who is not commited to recovery will be very threatened when someone they are close to goes to AlAnon.

They don't want us to focus on ourselves and get healthy...period.

Keep on truckin'!

Tansy

Don't be tempted to drink to be with him. I did that for a time and was a disaster. I woke up feeling like death and I suppose it gave me an insight into his world but I didn't want to be in it. I still drink on occasion but not with him and usually out the house with friends,

BlueChair

I think you might like the program im using, its called CRAFT. Community Reinforcement and Family Training. Its meant to help you live better regardless if your significant other (SO) stops drinking or not. It focuses on your hopes, dreams, goals, taking good care of yourself, But the part I like is it also focuses on your relationship with your SO and making it better through tools like reflective listening, active communication, changing our behaviors to have an effect on overall interactions. Its also a program that believes we can influence our significant others, encourage, motivate and through this they will often find a desire to change for themselves and lead a healthier happier life.

I did counseling for a long time, and still do family counseling with my husband. Using this method has helped me communicate better with him, and change my thinking to be more positive, and solution oriented. Im taking classes, but have also read a couple of books on it, I also use Smart Recovery resources too. They also have face to face meetings and a lot of online support, but Ive not done a live meeting myself. Smart uses behavioral tools to help you reason, sort through problems of life.

If you want to learn more about it, you can click on the link within this thread. It says Parents guide, but when you click on it theres a guide for Partners also: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ide-craft.html

dandylion

Seneca.....You are a free woman and do not need his validation or approval for your action or decisions.

You thoughts and feelings are important. Just as important as anyone else's on this planet.
YOU HAVE VALUE.

It is your RIGHT to make your own decisions. A person's god-given rights cannot be transferred to another person....like frequent-flier miles.....

dandylion

Seneca7

CRAFT sounds interesting, but Al-Anon is all I've found in my city. I figure I'll know after a few meetings if it's something I want to invest myself in, but my experience was positive the first time. Also, I'm not looking to it for recovery as much as for perspective, support, and general positivity. The parts I don't may not become an issue because I'm not really staking anything on it.

thotful

When you're in a meeting, take what you like and leave the rest. Most everything in the meetings (if not all of it) is suggestion. You use what works best for you. If it feels good to go, that's great!

It's not really up to anyone other than YOU whether the program is working (remember, you make the program your own). If you like it, then go, simple as that. When someone tries to tell you how to feel about something (such as Al-Anon meetings that THEY don't attend), then they're trying to be manipulative (classic A behavior).

Stick with what feels right for you.

My humble opinion.

honeypig

And that's what "Take what you like and leave the rest" is all about. Glad you've found something useful there, Seneca.

I also agree w/the post regarding how one doesn't have to "believe" in the steps to get benefit from Alanon. This quote is one I've always liked, and it seems to apply here: Recovery is being asked to give up everything you know to get something better that you don't understand yet. For me, Alanon and SR were both gateways to beginning to understand--but I had to take at least a small step away from what I had always known in order to start to gain that understanding. It was hard to do in the beginning, but gets easier the further I go.

Seneca7

I'm juggling cynicism with a total lack of critical thinking. I'll let you know how it works out. There's another meeting tomorrow.