Grace Under Pressure
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Earth
Posts: 164
Grace Under Pressure
Hey all,
Day 24 here. I'm doing pretty okay and feeling good overall, I love waking up with no hangovers, I love no more blackouts.
So then things get tougher. I'm visiting family and dealing with a lot of stress. Without getting into too much detail (as it would be endless), my cousin who is diagnosed bipolar and borderline personality disorder has been especially abusive and angry lately, and I suspect has relapsed on cocaine (and is also a functioning alcoholic.) There is no end to the scathing insults and emotional abuse, and while I refuse to engage with the blame games or bite the bait, I have a lot of trouble being hated so much (and I'm really sensitive to the insults that are obviously meant to push my buttons.) Plus I'm here trying to help care for my very ill great-uncle, who most likely only has a short time to live, and that in itself is very emotionally trying. I'm just devastated right now. I almost relapsed last night; other people were drinking and it was on offer.
I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to keep grace under pressure, I don't know how to keep a skin thick enough to simultaneously be fully there for my great uncle, and be strong and peaceful for him, when I'm also trying to brace myself against this abusive situation on the other end.
In the past, alcohol would have made me less sensitive to all of this....
Day 24 here. I'm doing pretty okay and feeling good overall, I love waking up with no hangovers, I love no more blackouts.
So then things get tougher. I'm visiting family and dealing with a lot of stress. Without getting into too much detail (as it would be endless), my cousin who is diagnosed bipolar and borderline personality disorder has been especially abusive and angry lately, and I suspect has relapsed on cocaine (and is also a functioning alcoholic.) There is no end to the scathing insults and emotional abuse, and while I refuse to engage with the blame games or bite the bait, I have a lot of trouble being hated so much (and I'm really sensitive to the insults that are obviously meant to push my buttons.) Plus I'm here trying to help care for my very ill great-uncle, who most likely only has a short time to live, and that in itself is very emotionally trying. I'm just devastated right now. I almost relapsed last night; other people were drinking and it was on offer.
I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to keep grace under pressure, I don't know how to keep a skin thick enough to simultaneously be fully there for my great uncle, and be strong and peaceful for him, when I'm also trying to brace myself against this abusive situation on the other end.
In the past, alcohol would have made me less sensitive to all of this....
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
Hi,
It sounds like you're in a difficult situation. I'm not sure how long you've been in recovery, but I had to remove a few toxic people from my life in early recovery. The bottom line is, you have to put yourself first. And, being in a situation where someone is verbally abusive to you is not doing that. I hope you can find some peace.
It sounds like you're in a difficult situation. I'm not sure how long you've been in recovery, but I had to remove a few toxic people from my life in early recovery. The bottom line is, you have to put yourself first. And, being in a situation where someone is verbally abusive to you is not doing that. I hope you can find some peace.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: The South
Posts: 398
Congratulations on your sober time!
Wow, you have a lot on your plate. Try not to engage that cousin, if possible. It sounds like that dude hates himself more than anything else. If you cannot rise above it or ignore him, keep doing what you're doing and stay away the best you can.
I agree with Anna, try to take care of yourself first. If you lose it or drink, you won't be much good to anybody.
Wow, you have a lot on your plate. Try not to engage that cousin, if possible. It sounds like that dude hates himself more than anything else. If you cannot rise above it or ignore him, keep doing what you're doing and stay away the best you can.
I agree with Anna, try to take care of yourself first. If you lose it or drink, you won't be much good to anybody.
waking down
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
A buffer would be good. If there is no way to avoid the verbal abuse from the cousin, it is important to remind yourself he is mentally ill, and that you do not deserve such treatment. It's his illness talking. You're okay.
Also, you'll get support here, but you may consider reaching out to a solid, accepting family member, attending a meeting, or seeing a counselor. You're doing the right things and you deserve and need support.
It's an intense situation, and early sobriety is intense regardless. Every emotion seemed amplified for me. Reminding myself that the unwanted feelings come and go offered temporary relief, at least enough to keep me from reaching for a bottle.
I wish you well. Your words and tone reflect a thoughtful and caring person. Your family is fortunate to have you.
Also, you'll get support here, but you may consider reaching out to a solid, accepting family member, attending a meeting, or seeing a counselor. You're doing the right things and you deserve and need support.
It's an intense situation, and early sobriety is intense regardless. Every emotion seemed amplified for me. Reminding myself that the unwanted feelings come and go offered temporary relief, at least enough to keep me from reaching for a bottle.
I wish you well. Your words and tone reflect a thoughtful and caring person. Your family is fortunate to have you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
I understand and as someone else said, do not engage.
The last toxic person I had in my life I let bait me and engaged in an argument with them. That meant I had to go back the next day and apologize so I could clear my side of the street. I got no response and no apology back but that is okay. The idea is to keep my side clean.
It may sound bad but that kept me from engaging again. It kept me from snagging the bait. I did not want to say I am sorry again. I had said it for the last time.
Keep in mind that you are trying to do the right thing. They are not or maybe they think they are, who knows, it is not your job to guess. The only person you can control is you.
Removing toxic people is difficult but not impossible. Walk away for now. It does not mean you have to walk away forever but it would do you good to keep your distance for your own sanity and serenity.
You and your program should remain on the top of your list, always. Without it, you can lose your sobriety and everything that goes with it.
The last toxic person I had in my life I let bait me and engaged in an argument with them. That meant I had to go back the next day and apologize so I could clear my side of the street. I got no response and no apology back but that is okay. The idea is to keep my side clean.
It may sound bad but that kept me from engaging again. It kept me from snagging the bait. I did not want to say I am sorry again. I had said it for the last time.
Keep in mind that you are trying to do the right thing. They are not or maybe they think they are, who knows, it is not your job to guess. The only person you can control is you.
Removing toxic people is difficult but not impossible. Walk away for now. It does not mean you have to walk away forever but it would do you good to keep your distance for your own sanity and serenity.
You and your program should remain on the top of your list, always. Without it, you can lose your sobriety and everything that goes with it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Earth
Posts: 164
Thank you all for your advice and support. You all are right that I need to detach from my cousin and continue not letting him consume my energy. It's so hard to do because he is family, so unlike a romantic relationship I can never just break it off entirely. That said, I'm trying to learn to keep it cool and civil. In the past I have allowed him to really hurt me. I let my guard down and let him get really close, I gave him my trust, love, and attachment, and that's exactly what abusive people prey upon.
The raging abuse went on for about 4 days. I've been staying at a friends house as much as possible, and explicitly drawing boundaries when I have to be there.
Now, it's flipped to the usual opposite-- he acts like he's my trustworthy best friend, as if he hadn't just screamed/told me I'm basically the worst person on earth and that he hated me. He started practically begging for my company, attention, energy. Is this a control thing? Drugs? Codependency?
Another factor is that my drug relapse suspicions are now confirmed. I thought he had already hit his bottom but I guess not yet. It's just so sad, and he's causing so much pain and hell for us he has no idea.
My great uncle is dying. So I have no choice but to be here.
So I'm going to say this strife is my challenge to learn to draw strong boundaries from an abuser, gracefully under pressure. To keep my light energy and share it only with those who respect it. To be here for and with my family, and to be grateful I am no longer drinking and abusing drugs the way my cousin is.
The raging abuse went on for about 4 days. I've been staying at a friends house as much as possible, and explicitly drawing boundaries when I have to be there.
Now, it's flipped to the usual opposite-- he acts like he's my trustworthy best friend, as if he hadn't just screamed/told me I'm basically the worst person on earth and that he hated me. He started practically begging for my company, attention, energy. Is this a control thing? Drugs? Codependency?
Another factor is that my drug relapse suspicions are now confirmed. I thought he had already hit his bottom but I guess not yet. It's just so sad, and he's causing so much pain and hell for us he has no idea.
My great uncle is dying. So I have no choice but to be here.
So I'm going to say this strife is my challenge to learn to draw strong boundaries from an abuser, gracefully under pressure. To keep my light energy and share it only with those who respect it. To be here for and with my family, and to be grateful I am no longer drinking and abusing drugs the way my cousin is.
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