Jenibean87

Hi all,

I'm still trying to navigate how to not be such a Codie with my A in deep relapse. Setting boundaries is a lot easier for me these days, which is great, and I don't do the crazy freak-out yelling thing anymore, or "quacking to a drunk." I laugh when I hear his quacks, and go about my day, taking care of myself and the kids and accomplishing what I want to despite his behavior. So all that is big progress for me.

I'm wondering though whether or not hiding the car keys is a Codie-controlling thing. A has been desperate to drive to the liquor store the past few days--or, sorry, to "go out to dinner, alone." So I've hidden the keys and, um, also his wallet. I know te wallet thing is ridiculous--if he wants booze, he will find a way to pay for it, but is it not ok to hide the keys? A has several DUIs and is on probation, so I know for a fact that he is a danger to himself and others by having access to car keys. I tell myself I am protecting whoever he is going to hit driving drunk, but am I just kidding myself and hiding them to gain control?

Is it ever ok to hide the car keys from your A? Am I wrong? Should I just let him drive drunk and whatever happens happens? That feels so backwards.

ladyscribbler

Keep the keys, that's a safety thing, but you've gotta give the wallet back, keeping the wallet is Codie. Let him hitchhike to the liquor store, or take the bus or walk or ride his bike.
I never took the whole wallet, because he would fly into a rage, even on occasions (there were many) when he lost it in a blackout, but I did used to take the money out. I justified it by saying we needed it for groceries or whatever, but it was still wrong.
Hugs.

honeypig

I've seen people post here that when they know their A is leaving to drive drunk, they've called the police and let them know. I'd choose that route myself, I think, and let his consequences come from an outside agency.

Personally, I don't know that I'd hide the wallet, either. Both those actions are way too controlling for me to feel right about. However, that is me in my situation, and others may certainly be different.

redatlanta

I would only hide the keys if the car was in my name. Otherwise I would be calling the police as he pulled out the driveway.

hopeful4

This...me too!

HopefulinFLA

I don't think there's anything wrong with taking the keys as long as it doesn't jeopardize your safety. You are potentially saving a life, his or someone else's.

Hiding his wallet is, imho, codie behavior. If he wants to drink, he'll find a way, with it without his wallet.