WMJ1012

How many of you got "out from under" the control of narcissistic parents?
How old were you?
How did you do it?

Did anyone stay attached while they had control over you, even financially?
How did you deal with that?

happybeingme

Hi build,

I believe my mother has NPD. I am not quite sure what you mean by getting out from under them. I moved out when I was 19. But, my mother and I continued in one fashion or another remained attached until about a month ago. Even as I slowly began to notice her selfishness about 15 years ago it wasnt until about two years ago I started recognizing how truly destruction she was to my mental health.
How have I done this? Well first I went through a period of time where my depression was so bad I became alcoholic. Then I hit bottom and instead of suicide. I surrendered. And I have been recovering ever since. About a month ago I decided that in order formy recovery to continue I had to cut my mother out of my life.

NWGRITS

I did when I was 29. That was a little over two years ago. It was one year after moving 3,000 miles away. My kids were visiting their dad for the summer and she was babysitting them for a whopping two hours and was wasted by the time someone got home. I haven't spoken to her since, and my kids haven't seen or spoken to her, either. I was mad at myself for taking so long to cut the cord, but at least it happened. I don't regret cutting her out of my life one bit. I've never had a moment where I wondered of I made a mistake. She was never a mother to me, just the woman who birthed me. It requires love and compassion to be a mother, and she is capable of neither of those things.

DoubleDragons

I went into therapy in my twenties because I was so depressed and full of anxiety. My parents were putting me through hell about a possible move to a different state with my family. I was so drained from trying to be a perfect wife, mother and most draining, daughter. My therapist immediately suspected my parents both had narcissistic personality disorder and that my mom probably had other things going on like borderline personality disorder. In the last ten years or so, my mother also has become a full blown alcoholic. It was good for me to get an understanding of what I think I always knew was "off" in my FOO, but I don't think I fully dealt with how it effected me personally. My sister and I really connected during this time period, because she had always been "the black sheep" having been the rebel child. I was the pleaser child. We became really close realizing that we both had been damaged by our childhood and just reacted to it in different ways.

In my thirties, we lived several states away from my parents, which helped a lot. Still, because I didn't work enough on how my childhood had effected me, I was filled with resentment and I drank a lot of alcohol. I did, however, go out of my way to avoid any of the shaming and control issues with my own children. And I think I have done a good job in that regard. My husband and I have a good, healthy marriage and so my children have not been subjected to the constant, crazy, over-the-top drunken arguments that my parents still have to this day.

I got sober ten months ago when I was 42. My parents now live a few hours from me. Because I am very protective of my children, and I am healthier in mind, body and spirit for quitting drinking and working on taking care of myself, it is much easier for me to keep strong boundaries with my parents. I simply will not be subject to any of their verbal abuse any longer because allowing abuse is self abuse and I am done with that aspect of my relationship with my parents. The answering machine has taken their dirty barrage and I hit delete without listening to it. I treat them like spoiled little two-year-olds because that is how they behave. Because I am stronger and feel better about my self worth, my resentment has gone way down regarding them. I can feel they sense that I feel better about me, too, and so they have backed off. I am no longer an easy target.

So, read all that you can about narcissism. Stay connected to a support group. In my twenties, I belonged to an online support group for children of narcissists. Get a good therapist. Clean your own life of any bad habits, addictions, elements that are bringing you down. Narcissists feed on weak people who do not feel good about themselves. You need to be in a strong position to deal with them. They will not build you up. You need to build yourself up. Do not take money from them. My parents are pretty well-off, but even in my husband's and my worst financial crisis, we refused to borrow or take any money from them. They will use it towards you like you OWE them. Take good care of your spouse and your own children. My husband and I are constantly get comments on how wonderful our marriage and our family is and how great our children are ~ LIVING WELL IS THE BEST REVENGE!! If you took nothing else from this, become a fencemaker. Solid, solid boundaries (a detached "wall of nice"), if you will, is the best way to deal with narcissists, if for whatever reason, you are keeping them in your life. It is okay to completely cut them out of your life, too. They are TOXIC and most likely will never change. Many therapists often refuse to treat narcissists because it is so impossible. Make taking care of you, your mantra.

Take good care!!!

DoubleDragons

One last thing ~ Let go of any hope of them changing. Accept things as they are and accept that you were cheated out of a healthy parent/child relationship. You took care of them and it should have been the other way around.

I think, crazily, this is the hardest part for me. I understand it on a logical level, but I don't think I have fully allowed myself to mourn this fact.

ladyscribbler

My dad is an alcoholic. I have not had any contact with him since 1997. I heard though my brother that he stopped drinking (our dad made a point of telling him), but soon after that he moved and did not leave a forwarding address. He has never met my sons (his grandchildren) he has not been present for any milestone in my life- military deployment, college graduation, etc. I am learning to accept that these are his choices and his losses. I did nothing wrong.
There is a tremendous societal pressure to continue relationships that are toxic and unhealthy simply because those individuals happened to be sperm or egg donors and created children who they were in no way capable of caring for.
I refuse to be made to feel like an ingrate or a bad person because my father was unfit to be a parent and chose to have children anyway.
My mother suffers from paranoid schizophrenia. I still have a relationship with her. I have learned to accept who she is and not to try to "fix" or change her. If she does have a psychotic episode or becomes verbally and emotionally abusive, I limit contact until the episode passes. I am able to be compassionate to her in the midst of her disease, while detaching from the undesirable behavior that sometimes results.
Not sure how this applies to npd, so I apologize if my experience is irrelevant. But for me acceptance and detachment have been the best tools I have learned to cope with my parents.

EveningRose

When I was 18, my father repeatedly threatened to kick me out of the house. I got tired of living in fear, so I packed up and moved out on my own. I filed legal paperwork to be declared legally, financially independent of my parents, so I could apply for tuition aid and grants on my own income, and I went back to my college and finished school.

Things got a little better a year later. We slipped back into family roles. At 23, he threw me on a bed and tried to choke me. My then-husband and I packed up and moved halfway across the country. But we remained somewhat attached, via phone, etc.

At 35, I thought (once again!) that he'd REALLY changed this time, and we moved our family back. It blew up in my face. But with 12 years away from them, I think I could see how messed up they were, when we came back. And by seeing it close up, I think I finally came to understand a lot about my own struggles through the years. I cut contact 5 years ago. I simply don't call. When my dad sent e-mails that caused more stress, blocked his e-mail account. When he used the phone to hammer me, I blocked his phone number. He last used USPS. In future, I'll mark those Return to Sender.

So...I've had to do the process many times.

NWGRITS

Choosing to live well really is the best remedy, I think. When I finally started to do things to claim my life for myself, AM escalated. An abuser hates when you use your brain to think for yourself. I bought a car so that she could no longer dangle keys in front of me like a poisoned carrot. It was older and more worn than what she had bought for me, but it's mine. Almost paid off completely and still runs great. I decided to take the leap and open my heart to someone who saw me better than I saw myself. I credit my husband with giving me that last push I needed to start loving myself. I moved out of AM's house (I thought I was bound there because of my grandmother... even she told me to get the hell out while I could), then moved 3,000 miles away. Then I cut her off completely. Things got really ugly in between each step I took toward independence. It was totally worth it. I was able to pass my phone to my husband on my birthday to have him delete the voicemail she left me. That was such an act of blatant defiance that it did rock me a bit, but I recovered quickly and haven't thought about since a few days after it happened. I'm happy and well without her, and I'm pretty sure that pisses her off a lot. Her loss, not mine.