heartbrokenK

I'm a snooper, one of the many things I'm trying to change. I've stepped up my alanon mtgs to twice a week. I am struggling focusing on myself but do see some positive changes. For instance I had the gut feeling my husband was drinking. He got out of the shower and asked if I wanted to watch a show. I responded I kind of did but I kinda want to read. I asked what he wanted to do. I was given the "what I want doesn't matter, I'd kinda like to go to AA but whatever". I kept my mouth shut. I have offered to give him a ride in the pastbut he gets irritated. So I'm not sure why but checked the toilet tank (I know I know) and there was a beer can floating. I left it. I am not bringing it up. But for a few seconds I will admit before the can I did consider letting him drive my car. I'm grateful I didn't allow myself to be reeled in hook line and sinker. Baby steps lol

Pia

Good for you heartbrokenK- Progress not perfection. Always follow your gut don't push it away.

AnvilheadII

but checked the toilet tank (I know I know) and there was a beer can floating

OMG gross. can YOU think of anything you would consider putting to your lips and consuming that came from the TOILET TANK???????

reality check. it's worse than you thought.

heartbrokenK

He was trying to hide the empty cans. But no illusions those are not the actions of a sane person. :/

Jenibean87

Ugh, I'm a huge snooper. My A is a ridiculous liar (I guess he used to be a good liar, but alcohol has made him less competent?) and I'm always snooping to prove to myself that I am not going crazy. That that IS booze on his breath. That he isn't just tired, he's black-out drunk. That he did stop at the bar during his bike ride.

For whatever it's worth, I used to really struggle with the gas lighting that comes as a result f his lies re:drinking and it has actually given me a huge sense of calm to know that I am not nuts or paranoid or always wrong about my gut instinct that something is wrong. Might not be Al-anon approved, but it's helped me relax knowing I'm right and he is sick.

ladyscribbler

It's hard to move past that need for proof when we've been doubting ourselves for so long due to the lies, gaslighting, quacking and denial.
I guess the way that I've moved on is to let go of my need to be "right", to confirm my suspicions. I started trusting myself. If I talk to my ex and he sounds like he's been drinking, I don't ask him (which is just an invitation for a lie). I think, sounds like he's been drinking, and I end the conversation. No big explanation, just "I'm going to let you go." Then I hang up. Whether he's drunk or tired or took medicine or has a cold or the phone is messed up isn't any of my business. My business is to keep myself sane, to not look for validation from an active alcoholic.
Yes I slip, I had one last week, but it didn't derail my progress. I also know that it's much easier for me to do when I am at a distance because he lives in another state, and I don't need to worry about him driving our son or anything like that.
Maybe just work on accepting that anytime you suspect he's been drinking, he has probably been drinking and just operate under that assumption and make your own plans accordingly. You have good instincts, but they've been thrown off kilter by years of manipulation.

bringiton

I have to agree with Jenibean87. It was nice to have proof that I wasn't crazy. Not saying anything to my AH about it but having the knowledge was good for me.

Sending hugs your way!!

hopeful4

I could work for the CIA by this point in my life. I usto snoop and snoop. It was a MAJOR thing in my own recovery when I stopped that behavior. However, I hope this was a lesson learned, do not let him drive your car, you, or any children you may have, if any.

You are making serious progress, keep up the good work!

orca

My therapist told me something that really resonated with me when I talked to her about my snooping: She said "You're looking for the communication you're not getting in your relationship." On that day (that sounds bad), I wasn't "looking" for anything bad. I missed feeling close to him, so I looked through boxes of photographs of his.

redatlanta

Mine was smarter than me. I found evidence early on in the way of a receipt from a liquor store. Then I found mixer one morning and some cut lemons.

I never found the booze. I looked, I tore this house apart. It was in our bedroom or master bath because he would go back there 6, 7, 8 times a night and get successively drunker. I tried walking in and catching him and never did.

I finally gave up thanks to the folks here. I became obsessive about finding it to the point it was madness. He reeked, he was drunk I knew it. I didn't need to find it.

Shellcrusher

Gaslighting = creepy
I've been very snoopy for the same reasons. Proving to myself that I'm not crazy. I been here before and know that it will pass with a bit more focus on myself. I won't need the proof. I will be detached from that part of the struggle.

changeneeded

Uh... now that I've read this thread I suppose it's time to quit searching?
I gotta hand it to him; I can't find his hiding place either. He has a couple.. somewhere in the garage he frequents. He is also constantly checking in the back yard on the pool system.

hopeful4

Ya, I was amazed when my X moved out all the places I found booze hidden as I just stumbled upon them. I've not snooped for a very long time.

One day I was in my garage and something fell right in front of my face, about scared me to death. An empty whiskey pint bottle he had hidden in the rafters. Good grief. Disgusting.

My main snooping usto be our bank account. I was so codie I did not allow him to have cash, and I could tell by his gas station purchases he was drinking. I obsessively would check our bank account.

I look back and see how sick I WAS. I am so happy not to be in that place any longer.

HealingWillCome

Personal wisdom gained from my own snooping:

1. Be prepared for what I might find (have some boundaries beforehand and stick to them)
2. Be prepared for the way it makes me feel...I get a physical reaction that I hate...heart racing, adrenaline surging...it actually makes me feel fearful...it triggers past abandonment wounds (took me some time to realize this was what was going on).
3. The instincts that lead to my snooping are right ninety-nine percent of the time so I'm better off not snooping in the long run. It just upsets me. So then I have to decide what to do with a relationship that has already proven itself unhealthy/untrustworthy. How can I meet my own needs without depending on someone else who has proven they can't?

Having said all that, if I hadn't snooped in my marriage (and found proof of his infidelity), it would have gone on much longer because I was naive and unhealthy myself. Snooping ended up being a blessing that got me out of a marriage to an alcoholic and cheater. Now I think I can deal with distrust in ways that make me feel better than snooping does.

hopeful4

I do think there is difference between snooping and pointing out what is right in front of your face. For me, I did it over and over and I did not need to do that. I should have snooped one time to prove to myself what I knew was right, then moved on and done something about it. Lesson learned.....

unease7

I know what you mean, I also do this very regularly its still shocks me how much we all have in common. I even spent one morning in my pajamas in front yard of my house digging thru our large outside garbage can, just to try and get an idea of what was going on. I needed to prove to myself this is real and it is happening, I think as a mom I
needed this confirmation in order to keep my kids and myself safe. To win a fight we need to know what were fighting and it can seem very unreal to realize your fighting for your sanity and the person trying to take that away is your alcoholic husband.

honeypig

What a great thread--and I do think there's a difference between habitual, repetitive snooping and a reality check when your gut tells you something is wrong. I know people say "trust your gut" but some of us have become so out of touch w/our instincts or have been told so many times that our perceptions are wrong that we really can't tell for sure. We need some kind of confirmation. But again, I'm talking about ONE confirmation, not day after day after day...

I have snooped a total of 3 times, I believe, over the past year and a half, and each time I either confirmed what I suspected or learned something new. I have to say that these reality checks were very important to me in learning to stand my ground. I remember numerous times we argued over finances and why this, that or the other thing didn't seem to balance out or why we couldn't put a prearranged amount of $$ in the savings every month. He'd argue and argue w/me about how the numbers didn't have to add up and things were fine...

I haven't thought of those arguments in a long time. I'm not sure, even now, if I want to laugh or cry when I remember them.

I do want to say, though, that when "snooping" was a fact-finding, sanity-confirming, reality check done for me myself and not in hopes of changing my A's behavior by confronting him, I did find value in it. I knew what was real, beyond doubt, something I hadn't known for a long time...

HealingWillCome

^^This is a great point.^^ Once you have your proof, there's no need to keep at it. I did this for a while after I found proof of xah's infidelity. I don't know what I was looking for...all it did was add to my grief every time I found something else.

heartbrokenK

I have been paying closer attention to myself and actions lately. I definitely am noticing more of a trend of wanting to snoop to confirm my gut feelings. Last night I felt he was drinking but did not snoop to prove what I knew deep inside but rather avoided him and read a book. This morning looking for a shirt in the closet and bam a beer can falls out of the clothes. Lame. Also left the can where it fell I walked off. I'm going to let him throw it away.