Thanks for this room...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4
Thanks for this room...
I am a 64 year old alcoholic. I know this. I have known it for years...decades even. Oh, I have quit many many times, but always the demon rum crooks his nasty little finger and back I am in his putrid arms.
But my problem now is I married another alcoholic. Almost 16 years ago. We happily drank together for many years. We fed off each other I guess. I knew it was a problem, and I tried - from time to time, actually quite often - to bring up the "problem" and to gently suggest we might want to tackle the "problem".
He was having none of it.
Over time, he became so UNattractive to me. He would literally fall face down on the floor, undoing his pants, when coming to bed after drinking wine non-stop for 8 to 10 hours. I was really concerned he would hurt himself.
I would have a few drinks and then hide in bed, just to get away from him. But he would fall into bed and start groping me, wanting to have sex I guess, although he wasn't capable of a decent sexual encounter. When I objected, he blamed me for "not being any fun", and "always saying no"...
I tried desperately to get him to talk to me about our situation. He would not go there. He does not think he has a problem, he thinks I am to blame for our troubles.
So, about three months ago, he hooked up online with a woman who was apparently an old flame of some sort. Not sure about that history.
Long story short..he walked out on me, moved to her place. It's about 500 miles away. Thankfully we have no children caught up in this mess.
Interestingly, I met him online myself, almost 20 years ago. He walked out on his first wife, the one before me, in exactly the same way. That time, however, he walked out on a teenage son as well. He never made any attempt to connect with his son, just let it fester - and die.
So here I am, realizing I need to work on my own healing, and I really wanted to do this together. I hope he figures it out for his sake. But it's very clear to me that I can't fix him, I better look out for myself.
Therefore, I am thankful to have found this place. I am in fairly rural area and have limited options for F2F meetings. But I have a Big Book, and 12 Steps and 12 Traditions to work with. I hope to take advantage of a place such as this to begin.
Thank You all...
But my problem now is I married another alcoholic. Almost 16 years ago. We happily drank together for many years. We fed off each other I guess. I knew it was a problem, and I tried - from time to time, actually quite often - to bring up the "problem" and to gently suggest we might want to tackle the "problem".
He was having none of it.
Over time, he became so UNattractive to me. He would literally fall face down on the floor, undoing his pants, when coming to bed after drinking wine non-stop for 8 to 10 hours. I was really concerned he would hurt himself.
I would have a few drinks and then hide in bed, just to get away from him. But he would fall into bed and start groping me, wanting to have sex I guess, although he wasn't capable of a decent sexual encounter. When I objected, he blamed me for "not being any fun", and "always saying no"...
I tried desperately to get him to talk to me about our situation. He would not go there. He does not think he has a problem, he thinks I am to blame for our troubles.
So, about three months ago, he hooked up online with a woman who was apparently an old flame of some sort. Not sure about that history.
Long story short..he walked out on me, moved to her place. It's about 500 miles away. Thankfully we have no children caught up in this mess.
Interestingly, I met him online myself, almost 20 years ago. He walked out on his first wife, the one before me, in exactly the same way. That time, however, he walked out on a teenage son as well. He never made any attempt to connect with his son, just let it fester - and die.
So here I am, realizing I need to work on my own healing, and I really wanted to do this together. I hope he figures it out for his sake. But it's very clear to me that I can't fix him, I better look out for myself.
Therefore, I am thankful to have found this place. I am in fairly rural area and have limited options for F2F meetings. But I have a Big Book, and 12 Steps and 12 Traditions to work with. I hope to take advantage of a place such as this to begin.
Thank You all...
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Welcome Des! I too am grateful you found this room. Given that your man up and hiked off to some new pasture (rest assured it won't be greener), your recovery is up to you to selfishly and awesomely master. Like you, I returned to sobriety and hoped my (now ex) partner and I could "heal together". Ya no. I became very clear, very fast that I could NOT maintain my sobriety with him in my life.
This recovery thing is a big ball of yarn to unwind...it's definitely work..but it's good work..its' enlightening work..it's self esteem building work...it's wonderful work...easy? No...but there are moments of absolute joy...authentic (that's the most important) joy...that you can remember and experience and be nourished by.
This recovery thing is a big ball of yarn to unwind...it's definitely work..but it's good work..its' enlightening work..it's self esteem building work...it's wonderful work...easy? No...but there are moments of absolute joy...authentic (that's the most important) joy...that you can remember and experience and be nourished by.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I think he has done you a favour.
At least in terms of getting to grips with your drinking and seeking recovery.
I hope you don't mind me saying but from your post you sound tired.
You sound tired of living the way you have been.
I have over 2 years without a drink and 98% of it has been from coming here everyday and reading and learning.
I have a small child and I am single so it is hard to get to meetings for me too.
However I would say the fact I am on my own (in terms of no other adult here) makes me able to concentrate on my not drinking better and finding ways of not drinking easier.
When my partner left I was over a year free and did not drink when it happened.
I was hurt and upset and scared but not drinking was the only way through it for me and I am starting to come out the other side.
At first it can be hard adjusting.
I was used to drinking every night.
I closed every evening with a big drink or 10, slumped on the sofa with my favourite glass in front of the TV.
Now I am up and about, the glass is long since smashed and the TV is rarely on.
At first I had to keep busy and did anything but drink.
Now I can say hand on heart I could never go back to how I was.
It would seem strange, not right, to sit and drink every single night.
I could not even imagine drinking during the day anymore.
There are lots of methods used here.
I love AA and I also like the concept of AVRT too.
I hope you stick around because nothing beats sober living.
There are 2 things I am proud of in my life. My first is my daughter and the 2nd is the fact I have spent 2 years without drinking, living life as it should be lived.
I wish you the best xx
At least in terms of getting to grips with your drinking and seeking recovery.
I hope you don't mind me saying but from your post you sound tired.
You sound tired of living the way you have been.
I have over 2 years without a drink and 98% of it has been from coming here everyday and reading and learning.
I have a small child and I am single so it is hard to get to meetings for me too.
However I would say the fact I am on my own (in terms of no other adult here) makes me able to concentrate on my not drinking better and finding ways of not drinking easier.
When my partner left I was over a year free and did not drink when it happened.
I was hurt and upset and scared but not drinking was the only way through it for me and I am starting to come out the other side.
At first it can be hard adjusting.
I was used to drinking every night.
I closed every evening with a big drink or 10, slumped on the sofa with my favourite glass in front of the TV.
Now I am up and about, the glass is long since smashed and the TV is rarely on.
At first I had to keep busy and did anything but drink.
Now I can say hand on heart I could never go back to how I was.
It would seem strange, not right, to sit and drink every single night.
I could not even imagine drinking during the day anymore.
There are lots of methods used here.
I love AA and I also like the concept of AVRT too.
I hope you stick around because nothing beats sober living.
There are 2 things I am proud of in my life. My first is my daughter and the 2nd is the fact I have spent 2 years without drinking, living life as it should be lived.
I wish you the best xx
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
I'm sorry for the situation you are in but I'm glad you found us. 
Why not join the class of July thread here on newcomers forum. There's also the 24 hour recovery connections thread in daily support. You just post once a day to commit to another 24 hours sober.
I hope our support can help you stay sober for good.
Why not join the class of July thread here on newcomers forum. There's also the 24 hour recovery connections thread in daily support. You just post once a day to commit to another 24 hours sober. I hope our support can help you stay sober for good.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
It's great to meet you desafinado. You're among friends who care.
I was older too when I finally admitted I had no control. It had once been fun, but I was completely dependent on it in the end. I clung to the fantasy that I could have a few once in awhile, but I proved to myself many times that it was no longer possible. As it turns out, it was much easier to stop all together. Trying to moderate was exhausting.
I'm glad you found us and reached out for some help. You can do it!
You're among friends who care.I was older too when I finally admitted I had no control. It had once been fun, but I was completely dependent on it in the end. I clung to the fantasy that I could have a few once in awhile, but I proved to myself many times that it was no longer possible. As it turns out, it was much easier to stop all together. Trying to moderate was exhausting.
I'm glad you found us and reached out for some help. You can do it!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,406
Hi, desafinado, welcome to SR.
It's amazing the things we put up with with the booze goggles on! As sad as it is to have a relationship end as yours has, there is no doubt you would have ended it yourself long ago if alcohol had not been a major player. In the end, it may be for the best, now you can focus on your own recovery rather than have it hampered by someone who is not ready to face his addiction.
My sick relationship ended about 2 years ago, and only now with a short period of sobriety do I see the only real thing we had in common was that we drank together. I always thought there was more, but there simply was not.
I hope you find your way to a sober, happy life. This is a great community and I am grateful for them everyday. Glad you are here.
Lisa.
It's amazing the things we put up with with the booze goggles on! As sad as it is to have a relationship end as yours has, there is no doubt you would have ended it yourself long ago if alcohol had not been a major player. In the end, it may be for the best, now you can focus on your own recovery rather than have it hampered by someone who is not ready to face his addiction.
My sick relationship ended about 2 years ago, and only now with a short period of sobriety do I see the only real thing we had in common was that we drank together. I always thought there was more, but there simply was not.
I hope you find your way to a sober, happy life. This is a great community and I am grateful for them everyday. Glad you are here.
Lisa.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Welcome to SR, desafinado! Sorry for what you're going through. I am divorced myself and no matter how broken a marriage is it's still very painful to see it end. I hope you don't mind my echoing what Sasha said- it may be a blessing in disguise. It doesn't sound like he had any desire to change and you may have found it impossible to change yourself with him dragging you down.
It is never too late to get sober and change your life! I am no exaggerating when I say SR helped save my life. When I found this room I had finally decided I had to quit drinking or die, and I almost didn't care which.
It's really good to have you with us, desafinado. I grew up in a very dinky little town out in the middle of the prairie so I know what you face. Let SR be a support and meeting hall for you. Great thing is we're open 24/7!
It is never too late to get sober and change your life! I am no exaggerating when I say SR helped save my life. When I found this room I had finally decided I had to quit drinking or die, and I almost didn't care which.
It's really good to have you with us, desafinado. I grew up in a very dinky little town out in the middle of the prairie so I know what you face. Let SR be a support and meeting hall for you. Great thing is we're open 24/7!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
