Serenidad

I was taking to my husband this morning and found out that the last time I drank I was "banned" from the bar I was at.

Honestly most of what happened at the end of the night is a blur but I DO remember cops. I guess I decided to walk home after midnight (which was pretty far away). At least I didn't drive. 2 cop cars showed up and said the bar I was at called them because I didn't pay one of my tabs or something and was drunk. I looked at my bank account the next day and I DID pay my tab. Not sure what happened???

Anyway, this morning my husband told me that the cops gave me a "criminal trespassing warning" and told me to never go NEAR that bar again. My husband ended up picking me up that night. I didn't know these details until this morning. I'm mortified!

I just feel so stupid! I feel humiliated. Embarrassed!

What's even worse is one of the bartenders that works at that bar is a coach at my son's high school (not my son's coach....different sport). BUT what if he says something to my son's coach about me? I'm not sure if they know each other, but what IF??? The bartender knows my son. What if he says "serenidad" got banned from my bar. She's xxxx's mom. What an idiot! What if MY actions hurt my son? What if his coach takes it out on him? Do coaches do that? Do they blame kids for their parents being loser idiot drunks??? :-(

He's such a great kid and I pray that none of my actions hurt him. :-(

I ruin everything! I'm not drinking now and am busting my butt to stay sober but how can I forgive myself for all the insane things I did when I was drinking? No wonder people relapse! Once you get sober and realize all the crazy things you did...you just want to drink to NOT REMEMBER. :-(

I'm NOT going to drink today. I'm working, then exercising, then going to a meeting.

Is it just my anxiety and paranoia telling me that this will affect my son??? Please say yes. :-(

Not a good day. At least I'm sober.

Thx in advance.

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PurpleKnight

We never have to go back and do those things again, Sobriety means we get to start a fresh and move forward!!

We can't change the past, we simply have to draw a line under all those things when we drank, we can only change the future, write a new ending to the story!!

Hang in there!!

biminiblue

What's done is done.

You've decided to change and that will be the new you.

What others think of me is none of my business.

Try to stay in the moment. The future will be dealt with when it happens, I wouldn't spend time in "what if." I doubt seriously that your son is going to suffer any consequences from this - even if there was talk - which I also doubt.

Wastinglife

Hi Serenidad, I am also dealing with anxiety over past drunken behaviour. I never really dealt with it at the time because I would just drink to relieve myself of the shame and guilt. Now that I am sober, I regularly have flashbacks to as long as 10 years ago. I also get paranoid about how others must perceive me now and I think my reputation is ruined forever.

I think facing our past when we have sobriety is a major challenge for many recovering alcoholics. I have so many cringe-worthy moments that I had forgotten about that are rushing back to the forefront of my thoughts. This time I will just deal with them instead of drowning my sorrows with booze like I did for so many years.

I am struggling with you. Let's just stay sober and hopefully the rest will sort itself out.

FreeOwl

Our limited energy, emotional space and time in this life is better spent focused on that who we wish to be, those actions which support our growth and realization of purpose - than on "what if".

I can totally empathize with your fears and concerns. I have learned that those are easy to get caught up in, to the detriment of our own health and balance.

You cannot undo what's been done or keep people from saying or thinking things if that's what they're going to do. The good news is; none of it matters. All that matters right now is that you wish to change things for the better, and you have every ability to do so.

Work on accepting that what's done is done and that what happened was not YOU, but an alcohol-induced version of you over which you had no control at the time. Alcohol was in charge. Now, you are. You and your support and your higher power.

These feelings will fade with time. More quickly than you can imagine right now, if you simply put all the focus you can into the process of getting and staying well and sober.

IOAA2

Hi. What's done is done and try to let it go, it’s a good remember when.
The saying I used often is “If we don’t pick up the first drink we don’t have to try to get sober AGAIN.”
AND “it works IF we work it.”

BE WELL

Nonsensical

What if you never drank again?

awholenewlife52

Hey Serenidad,

Lots of good advice from folks above about forgiving ourselves and moving forward (I too struggle with cringe-worthy moments from past drinking....I think we probably all do on here!).

I very much doubt that the bartender who is a coach at your son's school will say anything....it would be extremely unprofessional of him to do so. Working around schools and so on, staff are bound by confidentiality.

Try not to worry, although I know it's easier said than done. Have a hug from the UK, I'm thinking of you.

Angel1555

Oh serinidad, I am sorry for your situation. We all have shameful and humiliating things we did. Maybe this will be your "defining moment" that will help you stay on track. How long have you been sober now? Try to focus on the positive changes that you are making now and forgive yourself.

wpainterw

All the things you say are troublesome indeed! It is very natural that you should be concerned. But try to focus on the fact that what you have had is an illness, or at least many believe that to be so. You do have some control over this illness and can work programs or other ways to get yourself into recovery and hopefully into permanent sobriety. If you and your family, even your son, whom you have good reason to be concerned about, try to focus on these positive aspects then you have your whole future ahead of you, a new life. Self respect. An end to shame, to bitterness. An enormous gift. Not anyone makes it. But it's there. Every good wish.

W.

hopeful4

You have a plan in place. That's good. Keep that plan every single day. Commit to your family. Of course actions will hurt your son, your husband, and everyone else. However, many times bad things have to happen before there is real change. I hope you commit to yourself and to your family. Be open and honest, admit your mistake and keep sobriety in your life.

Good Luck and God Bless!

Notmyrealname

The phrase "one of my tabs" implies to me that you had more than one, so maybe you paid one and then ordered more drinks? (I have done this)

Then maybe you thought that you had paid your tab, from earlier, and didn't remember ordering the last few rounds?

Just a thought. Who knows?


You know, on the embarrassment thing, there's not much you can do, what's done is done, you do the crime and you do the time; consequences follow actions. Maybe try to use this as added motivation down the line to stay sober, at least then it's a positive event.

I know part of why I got sober and (finally) stayed sober was due to an event I found deeply embarrassing during last May, and that helped me solidify my resolve to give sobriety another go.

Serenidad

So true Purplenight. Thanks for the reminder. The devastation this disease can and will cause is unthinkable.

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Serenidad

Thx BimiminiBlue! I guess I am really only concerned with how my drinking may have affected my kids. I already hate myself right now so I don't really care about what people think of ME. It's more a concern of my mistakes hurting my innocent kids. Thx...I hope something I did won't hurt my son. I'm just glad I don't have to drink anymore. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

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LadyinBC

First, quit calling yourself stupid and loser. You are not.

We definitely can't go back. You will find as time goes on and the longer you are sober, these things become a distance memory and not so fresh.

I think at some point we have to deal with all these feelings, however, in early sobriety, I had to table them and bring them out later. Because all I could focus on was not drinking. Once I got some sober time I felt stronger and was able to start working on them.

I can assure you that at the end of the day, things do fall into place and someday you might be able to maybe get a chuckle out them.

Dwelling on what was or what might happen, does nothing for my recovery. One day at a time, focus on today.

Serenidad

Thanks wastinglife. It's nice to know I am not alone. :-) I too plan to just walk thru the pain of my past rather than drink over it. Nothing changes if nothing changes....WE can do this!

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Hope74

Serinidad I have been exactly were you are now. Waking up and thinking, "Dear God, please tell me that didn't happen". When my children became affected by my drug and alcohol problem, something clicked. I was truly ready to change. I have 30 days now. My children have their mother. And life is...ok. Not great yet. Close to good. Definately ok. As far as what others think or say, you have to realize the only people that matter are your husband and son. The rest can take a backseat to your recovery. If they can't try to understand then they need to go. Just hit the delete button on them for now. Focus on staying sober. There is light at the end of the tunnel. God bless you.

Serenidad

Thx FreeOwl! You're so right! When I am drinking that's NOT me! It's a monster! Thx for giving me hope! If I just stay sober........ :-)

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Serenidad

Yeah....no kidding! My life would be so much better!!! Thx!

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Serenidad

So true!!!

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