Blossom717

Since coming home to ABF I have had some many emotions, thoughts and ideas.

He didn't drink on vacation that I know of. I went to bed before him and I choose to not stay up and watch him/worry. Sunday morning, the day we went back home, he had woken up early because he was sick to his stomach. I know he had contemplated drinking abeer the night before. I don't know if he did or not.

There was no drama, which was good. His brother did try to peer pressure him into drinking as well as me into drinking/smoking pot. I refused both.

ABF stayed stoned most of the time. He said if I wanted him to stop drinking then this is what he has to do to get through it...... I see that as a sign that he will relapse with alcohol sooner or later.

But. thats not my problem, right?

Which brings me to another thought. How do people live with AH, ABF, RAH? How do you become okay with the insanity? how do you seperate the person from the disease? If the disease is all you see? How do you not worry about the person, at least sometimes, who you are supposed to share your life with?

Then thinking this, I realized, I have no idea what a healthy relationship is. I have no idea what it is like to be ina relationship where you don't worry what that other person is doing, you don't worry about being accused of horrible things that you wouldn't do, and you don't worry about being lied to. I have no. idea.

So what now? I'm "home". Hes not drinking but hes not in recovery..hes stoned. I'm trying, really trying to work on mine. I need to get some more literature. I'm still trying for the house. Thats been slow, i've had too much financial stress lately with everything else happening. But I'll get there...right?

hopeful4

I could not live with it. It made me miserable which meant my children were miserable too. I just could not do it anymore. I am a much happier person at this point.

I know there are others who can do it, I am just not one of them. How will it be as your daughter gets older? Are you going to want her seeing daddy being stoned or drunk 24/7?

Keep on keeping on, you and your little deserve so much more than this.

Blossom717

I don't want her to see it at all. I noticed it has effected his brother's kids. I know his stepdaughter came to them apparently back in May to ask them to quit drinking. They haven't. She will be in 9th grade this year. It kind of blew my mind that they didn't seem to care.

I know it has effected her already. We went grocery shoping yesterday..."that's daddy's beer! he needs it!" then this morning he left his pipe and his bag of weed on the bed and she said "That's daddys!" I told her it was yucky, and she said "That's not yucky, its daddys!"

I can't live with it either. I'm constantly on edge. AM I supposed to wait for something to change since he hasn't drank in 2 weeks? How do you know that it'll stick this time? Will he get tired of smoking weed? I know for a fact he wont'. I can only see it leading him back to alcohol. I just don't see how people can separate that situation from the person creating it.

hopeful4

He has told you that he will smoke if he cannot drink. I don't really see how they are that different in how they affect you and your daughter.

I don't know how you can separate it either.

ladyscribbler

Sad that your daughter thinks his behavior is normal. That broke my heart because it reminded me of when DS5 was that age. He used to come downstairs in the morning and start stacking the empty beer cans into a pyramid like they were blocks or toys or something.
Hugs Blossom.

Bullfrog

I finally could not live with it. My snapping point was realizing I was raising 2 children who would accept the addiction and abuse as normal. My self-esteem was so low I probably would have just stayed, if it was just me. But my Mama Bear instinct could not accept that future for my kids.

biminiblue

The vacation is over. This is how your life is going to be now.

Is that enough for you?

Maybe ask yourself why you feel you deserve to live this way.

Eddiebuckle

How do you become OK with it? Decide that this is all you can hope for, all you deserve. Unfortunately, this is as good as it will ever be if he keeps smoking pot.

The problem is that if your BF is truly an alcoholic, the odds are that he will relapse eventually. I liked to smoke pot from time to time when I was drinking, and dabbled in harder drugs (LSD, cocaine). But nothing made me feel the way alcohol did. Sooner or later, pot won't be enough. It's just a question of when the event or situation comes to pass that is too much for marijuana to blot out... and he will drink. IMO it's virtually impossible to ride the fence forever, eventually you fall on one side or the other: alcohol or abstinence.

If he chooses alcohol, whatever his worst was in the past will be exceeded. And you will have already tied yourself to him when he falls. That is the insanity: you have a choice here, he does not until he fears alcohol more than he fears abstinence.

If you choose to stay, be very clear that you are choosing to put your daughter through this, and all that it will do to her.

Thumper

What now?

I used to have an Oprah quote in my signature. "With every experience, you alone are painting your own canvas, thought by thought, choice by choice."

Thumper

One of the things that really cemented my decision to leave was watching one of my youngest sons literally following his daddy's foot steps out mowing the yard (following behind him with a toy mower) - right down to sitting next to the cooler and getting a pretend beer every few laps. It was such a stark and visual example of what was happening every single day, every single beer, every single activity. As that boys mother, I was condoning that. I was as much a part of this situation as he was.

I drink very rarely now. He was 3 years old when that happened and when we separated. He is 8yo now, his daddy no longer drinks, and he still talks about beer. I can only imagine what has gone on in the developing brains of my older boys.

hopeful4

Eddie is correct. I mistakenly thought that as my daughter's got older it would get easier. I was mistaken, it only got ALOT harder.

White knuckling it with the assistance of pot is not a recovery at all. Recovery is actually working the recovery, going to meetings and realizing that replacing one nasty habit for another is not the way to get yourself there.

I don't say this wish harshness, it is just you hear that a lot on this board. As though this is recovery when it is not at all. Blossom, you recognize this is not recovery, and that's a good thing. Just don't be manipulated.

dandylion

Blossom....the answers that you are speaking of will come with YOU following your own path of recovery...on your side of the street.

Coontinue to go to alanon and seeing your own counselor. Do this as if your life depended on it.
Keep reading the "stickies" at the top of this page.
Read "Co-dependent No More", if you haven't done so already...it is a real eye-opener for most people.
Follow you already started plans diligently.....going for the house, etc.....

This is how others, here, moved forward when they were in your same shoes.

He is going to do what he is going to do...you don't have control over that.
He isn't in recovery--as you pointed out!! He is blaming all this on you...which says that him getting sober any time in the near future is about as unlikely as snow in august.

I don't imagine that this is the kind of environment that you want your daughter exposed to. Just look at his family and their children......OMG!

dandylion

Thumper

Yes yes yes!! This exactly. This is exactly what I did and I thank heavens every day that I found SR when I needed it!

HealingWillCome

^^This jumped out at me.^^ Once I broke free, this is where I found the most peace...in not worrying about what he was doing. I had been counting on his recovery to find my own. Waiting for him to be healed so that I could be healed, too. Codependency at its finest. Worrying about what he was doing sucked me dry. Even when I wasn't directly thinking about his business, it was in the back of my mind affecting every choice I made.

It's really hard to work on yourself when your energy is directed toward someone else's problems. I say that gently, not in judgment of you. It really is the only way you can stick to your side of the street. For me, the only way I could do that was to make a clean break. Others are able to do it while remaining in the relationship. You have to do what's best for you, but keeping the focus on yourself and your child is the most important thing you can do for yourself right now.