FusterCluck

I got home from work on Friday evening, filled with positivity from ten days of soberness. That soon changed. For some reason as I sat in the garden with my wife, I made the utterly bizarre decision to ‘treat myself’ for my sobriety by getting high. How messed up is that? Then somehow, after twenty minutes of tortured mental gymnastics, I managed to justify it to myself by saying that “this will just be a slip not a fall”. In other words it would be a one-off session of opiate fun and not me going back to the usual get high whenever possible routine.

I took my wife’s prescription to the pharmacy, got 60 x 30mg DHC (Dihydrocodeine) and then sat in the car park swallowing tablets and drinking diet coke. Classy. I took 9 tablets, so a total of 270mg, and then went home and spent the evening with my family feeling blessed out and drinking beers to maximize the buzz. Every time my mind told me to feel guilty, I blocked it with the, “this is a slip not a fall” line. That worked to keep the negative thoughts at bay for a while, but as the evening wore on and the drugs wore off I grew more and more down. Ten days of sobriety wasted for a little ‘treat’.

At about midnight I fell asleep on the sofa downstairs and my wife must have covered me with a blanket and gone to bed. I woke in the middle of the night needing the toilet and as I stood up, I noticed a sense of feeling a bit woozy and anxious. As I walked across the room, these feelings accelerated rapidly and within ten minutes or so I ended up having a full blown panic attack, laid on the floor of a dark room in the recovery position and feeling like I was dying. It was fairly brutal and took a long time, and lots of mindful breathing, to finally recede.

The following day I felt truly awful with what I call an opiate hangover. Irritable, moody, lifeless, no motivation and repeat waves of shame for letting myself, my family and all of you down. What a truly kingsize fool I really am. Oh, and just to prove my level of foolishness, I spent many minutes/hours on Saturday and Sunday thinking about getting more tablets from the medicine cupboard and swallowing them, just to ‘help me get through the negative feelings’. I’m happy to say that I did not succumb again and my addictive voice has quietened a bit today, thankfully.

I’m writing this sat at my desk at work and wishing my weekend had been different and not wasted by my own weakness and chemical addictions. Feeling down

Anyway, today is day-3 for me again and I’m trying again

Hoping you are all well and life is being kind to you.

Cheers, FC

GracieLou

You did not let us down. We understand because we have been there. It is what we do until we stop doing it.

You got back on horse and that is the important part. Keep on keeping on!

instant

Fridays were always a stumbling block for me. Have another go. Try not to make keeping the same mistakes.

Kicking yourself never helped me, I think it kept me stuck in the cycle

Gilmer

FusterCluck: next time you'll know better. Post here when you get that sudden urge. Arrest it! You'll feel more rational the instant you air your temptaion.

afloatsober

Nobody let down but yourself FC and many of us have done that many times.
But it can be the last time.
Learn from it and put in place a strategy for dealing with those feelings next time they come up.
Contact, and honesty with someone in recovery can often be the hardest and the most beneficial thing that we can do at such times.
But we must take positive action or our heads will tell us 'once more won't kill us'.
But one day, any day, once more can and will.
Well done for getting back FC.
G

HeadLump

Well done for coming straight back here, FC, that takes character and courage

But try to make this a positive experience by learning from it. You'll know from many posts on this site that a slip can easily turn into a 5-year avalanche

Croissant

It's hard to get off that "reward"/"I deserve this" mentality FC.

I felt it with simply EVERYTHING in early sobriety. I.e.

- I've been sober for a month, why haven't I lost weight yet?!!! I deserve to lose weight!
- I'm sober/not hungover at work now, why can't everyone start being nicccce....and ease up!
- wow, I blitzed this week, might be time to reward myself

Etc, etc, etc.

It's the cycle our brain is in. Victim/martyr = deserved reward = buzz of choice

Or, I'm so great = give me a hit now.

Right now.

It's our biggest battle in the beginning, for sure.

GracieLou

Mine was a decade.

You had the courage to come back and try again! That means something. It means you are ready but maybe you are just not sure how yet and that is okay. We all figure it out and you will to.

huntingtontx

I hope you are feeling better. We are all here for you. Come here, post often and we can help you beat this thing. You are in my prayers.

IOAA2

Hi. I had the same reward mentality getting sober so I changed the reward to a pint of heavy duty ICE CREAM. It certainly was rewarding and curbed the desire to drink if I was going through a desire moment.

Mine came with a small amount of guilt.

BE WELL

ccam1973

FC most of us have been where you are at. After 32 days sober I treated myself to a drink last month. At least you acknowlegded your mistake and didnt give in the next day. I spent a month clawing my way back.

Learn from this and resolve that it wont happen again. Just another tool in your recovery belt. Good job on day 3.

You can do this

jdooner

Maybe think about posting before you use and are having the thoughts versus posting post mortem about all the shame and guilt?

doggonecarl

Our addiction has multiple ways to trick us. I thought I had them all covered. Not so. Blew five years clean to get high over a weekend back in June.

At day three you need to be hyper vigilant. First thing...access. If those are your wife's pills, tell her to take them, hide them, or throw them away if she doesn't need them. You DO NOT need them singing to you from the medicine cabinet.

Stay strong. Stay on track.

Pamel

doggonecarl, I have had a lot of drink signals lately (they never completely leave, do they?) Thanks for always being here.

Hope74

I totally agree with getting rid of the pills. They will sing a very seductive song. Believe me. I know. One of my children takes a stimulant for ADHD. I have them locked in a safe and only my mom, who babysits for me, knows the combination. We have to do what we have to do...right? As far as relapsing goes, we have ALL been there. You are back and 3 days stronger. Hang in there! You've got this!

dwtbd

great job getting back on the horse

Beating the AV is a mindgame, the real, rational you has decided opiate use is not 'fun'. I suggest the rational you equate 'slip' with 'fall' , to disarm the AV part that tries to convince you that there is a difference to justify future use.

I don't mean to say you should beat yourself up for a past slip even the most recent, just that going forward from today equate the two terms in your mind, it is a good way to prevent slips, which are the only way to get to a fall.

wish you well

Angel1555

FusterCluck, thanks for sharing your experience with us. I think that many of us think " that could be me" as we read it. You have dusted yourself off and gotten back on the horse, so to speak so good for you. I am only on day 23 and I often have fantasies about trying to moderate after 30 days or 60 days or a year.

FreeOwl

you're not a fool.... you're a human being struggling with addiction.

but look; STOP THAT.



I know, I KNOW... easier said than done. But here is another lesson. Another piece of hard evidence that addiction isn't the way.

Let's start from the start again.... TODAY is a sober day.

How about a list of things you'll do differently this time. A list of things that you were grateful for over the ten days of sobriety. And, at least three specific ACTIONS you can take today to support your sobriety until you go to sleep tonight.

Oh - and a plan and resolve to check in here when you wake up tomorrow and we'll take it from there.

longoverdue

Thank you for sharing this. It was brave of you and it helped me. I woke up today with the AV whispering that this sobriety thing is stupid and unnecessary and I am just fine and dandy and when my friends come to town this wknd I can have some beers and smokes and it will be great. NOT. As I get more sober days, that urgency to stop entirely fades, and it becomes oh so tempting to try drinking again. Reading your experience puts my temptation in perspective. I am sorry you went through that, but am grateful you shared and commend you on your ability to understand what went on and not get high again. BEst to you.

Soberween

Not let down as early sobriety is very difficult , but I would cut and paste the third and fourth paragraph of your original post, print out and put a copy in your wallet. Next time you feel a "slip" coming on....read it!! Hopefully, it will remind you that it just isn't worth it. Good luck. You can do this!!