openmind121

I let him back and again lies and again snorting pills and again hoarding his cell and again I am back behind him like a stalker .

I know deserve better I am not desperate I am not to blame I am only a codependent wife who loves this man that crushes me emotional and mentally ..

I am drug free I shouldn't be stressing and crying over his addiction this horrible habit makes me so mad. I am soooo tired of the term its like cancer its not .. People pray for a cure to end cancer but addiction is a choice and a lifestyle that takes over your loved one and the end result is them committing emotional and physical suicide while the sober family begs and cries to end the madness and become a normal person .

greeteachday

Yes, and I found it helpful for me to remember I have choices too. I can continue to do the same things over and over and get angry and upset or frantic or depressed because nothing changes, or I can try new things for me and make choices about what is healthier for me to do.

chicory

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can hear the pain in your post.

If he does not get well, you don't have to live life this way. You can pick a healthier life for yourself. Its sad, but they dont stop til it hurts them more to use than to give it up. Sometimes they never stop. sometimes they do. But you do not have to be miserable, angry, depressed, and heartbroken while he decides what he wants to do with his life.

hugs, you will find many who understand here.

mejo

I agree with Chicory. I had that epiphany Friday. Just because he chooses to live this life, does not mean I have to. I was thinking today while driving how I missed my AH. Then I thought, "why, he does not miss you. And even if he was with us, I would be so consumed in him and who he is txting, what was he doing in the bathroom for so long, was he high or lying again about being clean, letting him know how much of an inconsiderate ***** he is, I would not have had fun and neither would the kids". So, I just decided to give it a rest. I am sure the divorce txt will be flung my way any minute anyway. Lol thats always fun.

Anyway, my point is, we always hope and dream and pray things will be different. But sometimes, that is not realistic for the time being. Don't be hard on yourself. You love him. Its okay. Next time, you will allow actions to motivate your choices, not words. And if he does it again, you will have new red flags logged in your defense mechanism. Stay strong! Hugs to you!

FeelingGreat

openmind, his words mean absolutely nothing. The only thing that counts with an addict is actions so when and if you separate next time, look at what he does, not what he promises. He thinks he can reel you in whenever he needs a place to live but you don't have to go along with it.

Are you doing anything to support his life style?

Ann

I miss my son terribly but I do not miss living in the world of his active addiction and I do not miss how very sick doing that made me.

We cannot save them, going down with them will not stop them. There comes a time when we have to save ourselves.

When I stopped living in the problem (my son's addiction), and began living in the solution (my own recovery) my life became livable again and I could heal from years of self-damage and finally live in peace, finding joy and beauty in each day.

You can too...when you are ready. Why not make a commitment to yourself to live in the solution? It may save your life.

Hugs

zoso77

When are you going to allow your brain to know what it knows?

hopeful4

Only you can decide what you can put up with and for how long. At this point, his using is affecting you and making YOU sick.

Please take good care of YOU.

incitingsilence

What is normal?

Who is normal?

Can that be gauged?

Now healthy, well that you can gauge. You feel it, you know you are either ok and making progress within yourself. Or you know you aren’t. No matter the side, no matter how you use denial to your best advantage. Comments like stalker mode, well that ain’t healthy, even if I understand the need to go there. What would it prove that you don’t already know? And do you trust yourself enough to see the truth?

It isn't personal, either. He isn't using at you. I would be shocked to hear that he went out and actively sought and strove to become an addict. It doesn't tend to work that way.

You don’t have to take anything. You are well within your own right to live as you wish. It seems in this moment he is showing you he isn’t done. And that is ok. You have no control there and he is well within his right to live as he wishes to. That I think is hard for many to accept.

So when you get to here, the question becomes what can you do for yourself to ensure you have a good, peaceful, wonderful life?

bellanoviella

While it is true that it's a disease that takes over your loved one, I disagree that it's far off from cancer. Only because it really is a disease, especially if it's something the addict was unfortunately born in to. They have a strong pull towards a drug and have no control over it, until they finally realize they need to get better and work at it every day, or until they die.

I say this to you because the only way I was able to "detach with love" from my boyfriend was when I stopped being mad at him for his addiction. When I decided for myself (others may not agree) that it was an illness instead of a juvenile, selfish choice I was able to let go (even though I'm still working on it). I consider it comparable to cancer in the sense that there is no cure. You can put addiction in to remission, but that is no guarantee that it won't come back again.

Take care of yourself, I'm sorry you're going through this.

Vale

HerbiceXXV brought us this gem.....too powerful to let fade.
I actually watched the whole thing and felt much better after...

The best 'juice' is :31 to :41)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?featur...&v=4Hz6-2NwRzE

needingabreak

Vale, we were actually shown his movie at my son's rehab. All family members who come to family weekend every single weekend see the movie he made.
Open, while it certainly is a disease, he has to want to stop using more than he wants to use. Nothing you or anyone else says or does will make that decision for him.
Right now, instead of trying to chase him down and drive yourself sick, why don't you try to focus on what you can or have to do to make yourself well.
You know you cannot change him or his wanting to use. You can only change what you are willing to put up with (or not) and what you need to do to live a much happier, peaceful life.
I wish you the best and pray you find the answer soon.
Dealing with an addict is one of the worst things to ever go through. Hugs.

doubledoublewin

I still struggle with this one. I believe addiction is a disease, but that doesn't mean the addict shouldn't be held accountable for what he or she has done. My AH overdosed on crystal meth when he was supposed to be watching my kids. I know I need to let go, to forgive and forget, that this is a disease, and that hating him for what he did is like hating the cancer victim for getting sick, but it's not exactly the same, is it? The cancer victim doesn't put the safety of a 2 year-old child at risk when his or her disease progresses. You don't blame the tuberculosis sufferer for his or her tuberculosis, but you certainly object when he or she coughs on you!

bookreader

thanks for your candidness double; I also struggle sometimes with the "disease" label for addiction. But, someone's years and years of smoking probably had something to do with their lung cancer or copd; and eating butter and sugar excessively probably had something to do with adult on-set diabetes -
It's like some life style choices result in disease and some - addiction - result in blame. And that's not even correct, because smoking is an addiction that can result in severe health issues, but we allow it to be advertised and promoted; and then we don't blame the sick person.
I know addiction to narcotics is nothing like addiction to nicotine. I've never smoked, but have seen many friends try to quit; yes, very difficult. But, try to quit narcotics, there is little support, health insurance that doesn't want to pay for anything, a stigma that surrounds the whole thing, and nobody wants to talk about it.
I hate when people who know nothing about addiction say 'he made a choice to use' / well, you made a choice to smoke cigarettes, eat crappy food, drive too fast, play football, whatever, shouldn't we focus on recovery and healing...
support to you, double
b.

bookreader

Hey openmind - didn't mean any disrespect by replying to double and not you -

People pray for a cure to end cancer but addiction is a choice

(don't know how to do the fancy quote thing)

Your statement is so right on. Why do we praise praying and fund raising for cancer, but not addiction? Oh wait, isn't that lung cancer caused by your addiction to nicotine????
I do not mean to be flippant about cancer - one of my best friends had a double mastectomy yesterday because of cancer; my sister had breast cancer.
But there are many cases of cancer that can be attributed to life style choices;and I understand cancer can hit random without explanation. And you are right, open, in what you have said - stop judging my disease/illness/symptoms and just help me.
b.

Vale

Science doesn't care about labels/semantics.......it just IS.

The disease/choice false dichotomy just reminds me of the
"tastes great/less filling" beer commercial.

It is very much a choice to do something as stupid as
amateur brain chemistry modification.

But like playing too close to the signs warning you of the
edge of a cliff-----once you are in freefall the 'choice' part is
long over.

One of the saddest things I ever read was by a Golden Gate
jumper (suicide). They said that the very tenth of a second after
their foot/ hand lost contact with the bridge-----they wanted to
live. This one particular person lived.

But in freefall....it is too late....nothing to grab on to.

needingabreak

Vale, I have often wondered how many suicidal people who were really reaching out for help regretted their decision at that last second. Very sad.
I agree with bookreader. It is so easy for people to judge.............until it hits their own family or loved one. All of a sudden they have a different view.
It really saddens me when I hear people says things like "one more druggie gone, They made the choice, it is their own damn fault." Ignorant words from an ignorant person.

Drug addicts may try the drug (and in some cases people get addicted after having surgery or injuries) but then they become addicted. It may have at first been a choice (yes, a bad one) but soon enough it is no longer a choice.
I wish more people had compassion instead of indifference or nasty comments. And we wonder why there is such a stigma attached to it.

chicory

someone on SR posted a lecture a few days ago, by a fellow who was pretty convincing about where addiction occurs in the brain. It is centered in the middle brain, and the reactions of an addict are those of survival, which is what the middle brain deals with.. thinking of the drug and making poor choices. It was an awesome video.

He is hoping to create more awareness of how addiction is a disease of the middle brain, and that we need more compassion, studies, and funding for treatment.



I wish I could remember who posted that video. It was very interesting.

heartbrokenK

I feel your pain. All I know is that many people have let go and were able to live a full happy life wether the other person is using or not. I'm trying to get to that point in my life. I don't so much care as to how it's labeled or compared to as much as for me- that my life has become unmanageable! I'm trying hard to focus on me. I often ask myself, "how do I want to live?" "What's the best thing to do to take care of me in this moment". It is very hard to do.

Vale

Chicory,

HerbiceXXV brought us THIS gem a few days ago.72 minutes I watched from
beginning to end.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?featur...&v=4Hz6-2NwRzE