Combakkid

I have had a lot of confusion this week that has really clouded my whole life. My AH and I went for a little getaway without our kiddos. We haven't done that in 11 years! It was just like our honeymoon. He had plenty of opportunity to drink and only had 1 at dinner the first day and 3 at a ball game the 2nd day. Since we have been home, he is keeping himself in check and at most had 6 beers and started to get a little Mr Hyde, but recognized it and kept himself in check. Last night for the first time in a loong time he didn't even have 1. I know he is not hiding it from me because he is allergic to it and anytime he drinks you can smell it on him regardless of if he tries to shower it off. We have never discussed his drinking in excess as I know he doesn't see it as a problem and I am not about to wage World War 3 while my kiddos are in the house. I just don't know what brought about this sudden moderation. It is very confusing and really has me in a fog right now.

dandylion

CombackKid......It is very common for alcoholics to "whiteknuckle" it....in an effort to keep control over their disease. The most fervent dream of the alcoholic is to be able to drink like "normal people". They will take the ability to be sober for a time as "proof" that they are not alcoholic.

Don't let this deter you from the path that you are now on.
You have to be mindful of your own welfare....cause nobody else is going to....

dandylion

Combakkid

I feel as if I am in an alternate universe right now. I have been trying to come to grips with everything and have been pretty hard on myself for putting me in this situation in the first place. He has always drank since we started dating. Problem is we met in college and I never thought anything of it. I should have known there was a problem when at our wedding we made a pact not to get drunk (this was more for him to not get drunk, I don't normally have more than 2 even in my college days) and he got so sick in our hotel room and then passed out. His dada kept apologizing for him to me. I got used to the drinking and it became "normal" to me because it had always been there. It took someone else bringing it up to me to realize that was the problem and not me. Now he is doing a 180 and it hasn't been because I have said or done anything and I am thrown another curve ball. It is all so frustrating.

honeypig

combakkid, I'd agree w/dandylion. I doubt this is any sort of long-term change, just a temporary situation. I know that's probably not what you want to hear. Reading here will show you any number of other people who've been in similar situations and what the outcome was.

Hanging your hopes on the behavior of an alcoholic hasn't proved to be very fruitful for most of us here. Your best bet almost certainly will be to focus on you and your kids. What do you want in life? Give that some thought and start working your way towards it, regardless of what your AH is or isn't doing at the time. If he never drinks another drop, well, you've done no harm and things are good. If, however, he does go back to drinking alcoholically, you are not sent back to square one, feeling your whole life is on hold and based on his actions--you've got your own progress and your own recovery to fall back on, and believe me, that is no small thing...

Timeiskey

Combakkid,

When I first met my ex, I had no idea how much he drank. He was able to moderate for almost ten months. There were red flags everywhere. Everyone...and I mean EVERYONE kept telling me how happy he was with me and how good he was doing...it didn't dawn on me that perhaps he had a real problem...but after ten months, he began to binge and drink very heavily each day. Long story short, he was an alcoholic before I met him and although he cared about me, at the end of the day, the drinking won out.

Who knows why he is moderating. Obviously, he believes he can manage his drinking. I did a lot of reading and asking questions here about alcoholic thinking. You should take a look around and try to understand better the insidious nature of this disease. I hope that he can keep it up, but what does his track record say to you?

Hugs...and lots of understanding.... Allie.

redatlanta

Its kinda like this -

Have you ever started slacking off or pushing the envelope in a situation that you know may have detrimental effects? Lets use work for an example. For whatever reason you start coming to work late. Or maybe you stop producing the way you are supposed to because you are too busy on FB and other social media. At first no one says anything. So you continue on and it becomes a habit and you think no one cares.

Then one day something happens and you notice that people do care. You might be pulled in for a meeting, maybe a co worker says something to you, or maybe you notice that you are being pushed out of the inner circle you were once in. Co-workers avoid you. You aren't asked to go to lunch. The project you were "working" on is given to someone else. Some privilege you were given is taken away without much explanation.

And all of a sudden you get a chill going up your back and you realize you are in deep sh!t. So you start damage control. You arrive early to work. You stop getting on FB, you start working faster than you ever have. You might even have a talk with your manager and explain that you know you have been "slack" with some kind of explanation why, and that you are turning things around. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief because everyone has noticed and the manager tells you you were about to lose your job.

Then 2 months later you join twitter and the same stuff starts happening again because you actually don't' like your job but don't' have the motivation to look for another. In the back of your mind you think I have a certain amount of room to screw off before I get fired, so you push the envelope again. This time you see the red flags earlier than last time and correct the behavior faster and once again avoid getting fired.

What you don't know is the manager and owners are sick of your bull sh!t and are looking for a replacement and one day you are called in and let go.

Marriages work the same way. Your husband has picked up on a change in you. A change that maybe even you don't see yourself. He has put himself on notice. He is showing you how he can moderate. He is being kind and doting. He is doing a lot of things because underneath his calm exterior he is crapping all over himself that you MAY have had enough. This cycle is common in all relationships where there is a major issue with one spouse. Its a hoodwink.

So just sit back and keep on watching because the employee is going to slack off again. A true alcoholic cannot moderate, but they can fake it very well when they need to.

Combakkid

Redatlanta thank you for that perspective. It makes a lot of sense. His new found moderation seems to be short lived as he downed 6 beers in 2 hours and fell asleep after work. Part of me was relieved because at least that was familiar and meant there was zero chance of confrontation from him. Sad but true.

Timeiskey

Comba, what is familiar does seem to provide some sense of security...at least you know what to expect. Of course, the fact that there is some relief that he is back to his old behavior is unsettling...I am glad you are able to express yourself here. Its conditioning, you know. We are conditioned by our AH's actions to accept behavior that isn't healthy.

The part of you that isn't relieved- because you said that part of you is relieved- what does the other part of you say about the return to this drinking?

Combakkid

Allieclaire the other part of me knew he would return to drinking. He is no where near thinking of quitting. Even when we watch a movie and it shows a male who is a former alcoholic he always calls them p***ies for not being able to have a drink. He also has a friend who went through AA when he got a DUI and everytime we would hang out with them, he would say to me how stupid it was that his friend wouldn't drink anymore. The part of me that was relieved is the part of me still in denial about all of this. My eyes have only become wide open for 2 weeks and it is a lot to process in such a small time frame. The part that knows he would go back to drinking is the smart part of me who is slowly forming a plan to leave as I know deep down it will probably come to that. I am just trying to take things one day at a time.

DoubleDragons

Comba, I really appreciate this thread. My mom had been going on benders pretty regularly, until I called her out on it, a couple of weeks ago, by being very frank with both she and my father.

Now for many days, I haven't heard a hint of slur in her voice and at many different times of day. I call it the mindfudge because I feel like I must be delusional or overreacting, during these times when she acts so "normal". I ask myself, how is it that she can keep it together some times and then at other times she just becomes completely unglued?!? However, I have learned that it is usually just a matter of time before something sets her off and she is in bender territory again. I am working really hard at detachment, which for me, means keeping my boundaries strong during bender time and trying to enjoy "the good times" without hoping that this is the end of her alcoholism or holding my breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Granted, I don't live with my mother, so it is not as difficult as it would be with a spouse. I just wanted to let you know that I completely understand your confusion.

Combakkid

Doubledragons mindfudge is a perfect term for this. After his beer consumption last night, he has awoken feeling sick and looking at me to take care of him which I do out of shear stupidity because we have 4 kids in the house and I don't want to start ww3 with them at home. I am starting to wonder if I am merely just trying to avoid ww3 so I avoid having to force a decision to be made by myself.

Timeiskey

Comba- you are brave in opening our eyes. You are insightful and are headed in the right direction. Big Hugs for your efforts!

DoubleDragons- I have the same questions about myself when thinking about my ex abf who lives next door. Sometimes, in a weak moment of sadness and loneliness for him, I will wonder if I hadn't made a mountain out of a molehill. However, I witnessed my mother drink herself to death at age 48, and what I witnessed with my ex in our last days together was nothing less than the same blow outs that my mom would engage in... difference is that this time, I found myself engaging with him... it is an odd thing- this Adult Child of... you have to be very careful with those lines of conduct and accepted behavior from yourself and others.

hopeful4

You know what, make small goals. Make some boundaries you can stick to. Many say, prepare for the worst, hope for the best. One of the most important things I can stress is build up a cash stash and all important documents and get them out of your house and in a safe place. Alcoholism is progressive. While it may ebb and flow during certain times, the nasty that comes with addiction always comes back without serious recovery.

Hugs.

allinon

Thank you for this thread. Seems like we both became aware of our husband's drinking just over the last few weeks.

I've haven't said anything to my AH about his drinking except for saying on two separate occasions that I will drive when he pulls into a drive thru daiquiri shop. I set that boundary that I will not ride in car when he drinks.

It's up and down..... he was fine when I told him that and we had nice outings with our dd19 who's returning soon to college. So then I think did I over-react. But then Friday night he went out after work to celebrate a co-workers retirement. I went to bed at 10 pm and didn't hear him come home...don't even know when he did. I didn't wait up like I usually do. and he was up and gone when i got up so he could go play golf (and drink)

Then Sat night he was fine....

Sunday I planned an outing for me to a series of women's workshops on meditation, yoga, and there was even a session on codependency. He went out with DD for a daddy-daughter date (which I didn't tell him to do b/c I realized I had all summer. My DD initiated it...) Anyway, when they came back he had a daiquiri cup in his hand so he drove our DD while drinking. But at least they won't be in the car together again for a while.



So then part of me thinks why bother saying anything, he's not gonna change and it will only start major fight.

And I can so relate to you about being relieved when your AH drinks because he passes out and theres no fighting. A big part of me is glad when my AH isn't home b/c then at least it's quiet and peaceful. If he kills himself or someone else on way home, well I honestly can't do anything to prevent that. Sounds cruel but what can anyone do, really?

In my case there has been what I realize now is years of verbal abuse... He is always quick to anger. After all of the outbursts and ugliness, my heart is kind of numb. I don't even really know if I love him anymore.

I know from watching his A sister and from reading here that his "HFA" will only get worse and go downhill. So I'm working on getting myself healthy while I'm on his insurance....then get a job....then see about getting out. I know it's one day at a time, but the roller coaster is bleak.

hopeful4

One thing you must do if you have children old enough to understand is to tell them to NEVER get into the car with someone who is drinking under any circumstances, including yourself. That powers it home. They have to be strong enough to stand up for themselves and say, no, this is not safe, I am not getting in. They then need a backup plan. My DD who is only 8 has a cell phone and is required to carry it anytime dear ol dad may be driving her. She does so b/c she has to call me and knows if I cannot come right then, I will send the police. He knows this too. It is UNACCEPTABLE to let children in a car with someone who drinks, parent or not.

I found that I had become somewhat conditioned to the situation until I truly opened my eyes. My X could have hurt my children. Never again.

Good luck and God Bless.

Combakkid

Allinon our stories are so similar it is nice to know we aren't alone and not crazy living like this. My heart is numb as well and I know exactly how you feel. It is indeed a slippery slope and at times seems like it is far easier to stay than leave despite the verbal abuse. Hopeful4 I am lucky in the sense that my AH won't drive when he has been drinking so I haven't had to deal with that just yet, but I do have that as a boundary because who knows when he will cross that line.