SpaceMandrill

So I know I shouldn't be drinking. I know it, damn it, it never ends good. But when Saturday hits, and I wake in the evening (working nights), a beer and a cig are the first things I reach for. Even though I tell myself time and again that this time I WILL NOT do it. Its been a couple months that I brake that promise every single time, ever since I've broken up with my fiancee. But that wouldn't scare me that much- if not for the fact that today, having woken up after some 3 hours of sleep, following a whole day and night of beer after beer after pitcher of rum, almost the first thought in my mind was "hell, wouldn't just a single beer make it feel better?". That single thought scared the crap out of me, as weird as it sounds. Well, the thought, and the visceral NEED that came with it. I DON'T want this. I've known people who went that way, and it ain't pretty. But trying to tackle this on my own, with no family and no friends in this country I'm in now, its just been getting worse and worse.

Maybe I'm just weak this way, but its like sometimes a switch in my brain flips, you know? One hour I don't think about boozing up, I feel positively repulsed by the thought, and the next I actively think up excuses to go and have "just a couple beers", which always ends up being 20-30 quid worth, sometimes more. What's worse, I feel enthusiastic, even exstatic at the thought! At that point, I never seem to remember the sweats, the shakes, the dizzyness, the heart pounding anxiety that I ALWAYS get the day after a bender, and that make me feel like dying. It's goddamn ridiculous! I should know better, and I do, but its like a different person taking over. Now, I'm not denying responsibility for my actions, its just the way it feels when I look at it in hindsight- like a different personality taking hold in my skull, displacing the reasonable guy I usually am in all other aspects of my life.

this time, I want to make this work. I want last night to be the last time, for good. I want to start going to the gym again, loose the weight I've put on so I can attract girls without going to bars where they are drunk and their standards are lowered, and I need to finally start studying for the college course that I start in September. And I never want to feel like I do now, which is drenched in sweat, hypochondriac as hell, shaking like a leaf, and dead-tired but completely unable to sleep because of the jitters. But I know that as soon as the bad feeling passes, my goddamned moron brain will start looking for excuses to booze up again. Hell, even now I catch myself on thoughts of "which pub should I visit next time".

I don't want there to be a next time. Next Saturday I'm gonna wake up, and go the the gym, not the pub. I'm hoping this forum will help me to keep on track, as I can see now that I won't be able to do this without constant reminders.

Its been a long rant, and I'm grateful if anyone actually read that far. I really needed to get this off my chest.

doggonecarl

Welcome to SR. Read around the various threads. Maybe you will see a recovery method that appeals to you. And it does take a method. Promises to ourselves to quit crumple under the assault of our addiction. But quit you can, and stay quit.

airwick

You do not have to be grateful for me reading this I am just grateful to you for wanting to change

I'm glad you are here.

FreeOwl

you're not weak.... you're dealing with addiction.

If you're ready to stop this merry-go-round of crap, you've come to a good place. We're here to help support you in getting started, and maintaining a much happier, brighter, more meaningful life.

ScottFromWI

Welcome SpaceMandrill. Your situation is a very familiar and common one. Rest assured you are definitely not alone. The cycle can be broken, and you have 100% control of how things go from here on out. The key is recognizing the problem (that under no circumstances can you ever pick up even the FIRST drink), which it seems you have. And then you need to make a formal plan to practice each and every day so you don't pick up them first drink. For some that plan is AA or NA, or another recovery method with face to face meetings. For others it involves detox and/or rehab. Some use self paced/secular methods. There are many and you can learn about them all here. Many also use SR itself as their primary support.

Stick around and read lots, ask lots of questions too.

awholenewlife52

Welcome to SR, SpaceMandrill.

hayley86

Welcome! You'll find lots of support and encouragement here. Glad you've joined us.

dexter1169

I feel the same way with another type of substance...I don't have any advice because I am in the same boat , wondering what to do..

Hevyn

Hi SpaceMandrill.

I know just how you feel. I always tried to find the old fun & euphoria drinking once gave me long ago - but it was never coming back. At the end of my drinking career, each time I had one drink it led to 10 - to blackouts and regret. It took me many years to admit there was never going to be a happy ending once it got in my system. Willpower never worked - all my resolve went out the window if I trid to moderate. The only way to stay safe and sane was to stop all together. You can do it. Glad you are here!

I'd like to add - it has nothing to do with stupidity or weakness. Stupid & weak people do not seek help - they just keep lumbering on doing the same foolish things & never try to reclaim their life.

Hevyn

Welcome Dexter! Great to have you join us.

SpaceMandrill

Thank you for all the replies, I'll definitely lurk some and peruse the material. Even now, as the hangover finally went away for the most part, and I managed to get some sleep, I find myself thinking that going out to drink again wouldn't be such a bad idea :/ Ain't gonna happen, no way. The way my brain works is just exasperating, always looking for excuses. And if I let it, it finds them.

Serenidad

Welcome! Hang in there! Lots of support here! :-)

Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery

johnnybsober

OK space here is a thought. You let your brain keep coming up with the excuses. And you maintain the physical control of your body. Next time the brain wants s drink fold your hands together. That brain of yours will never have another drink if your hands don't lift it.

Ohhhhh and while your hands are folded it wouldn't hurt to pray for the strength to resist the urge.

SoberHoopsFan

I think many of us here can relate to that feeling of having two different people inside us, one that never wants to drink again, and another that craves nothing but the drink at any cost. I struggled with this ambivalence for years. The part of you that wants to stop, that hates what alcohol is doing to you, that is the real you in my opinion. You've taken a good first step, welcome aboard.

melodyfair

You are so definitely not alone. I am stunned, having found this site just the other day...I had no idea how many people are in this boat with me. We surely are not alone.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum SpaceMandrill!!

Great job on making your decision to be Sober!! You can do this!!

SpaceMandrill

So I keep failing. I got drunk again yesterday. Now I'm having panic like you wouldn't believe. And I'm due to work a 10 hour shift in the night. God its gonna suck. But I need to pay for my weakness, so I'm going, even if I don't get any more sleep in the 7 hours I have left before work.

I'm starting college this Wednesday. So I'll be working 3 nights from Saturday to Tuesday morning, then college from Wednesday to Friday evening, then back to work on Saturday. I'mhoping this way I won't have either the time or the energy to get *********- I certainly won't have time for the hangovers, and the panic they bring. Gods, I hope this works. If my ex could see me now, she'd laugh her ass off. I turned to drnk after my relationship with her ended- I guess I was trying to forget about her, as I loved her very much and the pain was immense. But now the drink is bringing even more pain, and it didn't even help me forget. You know the most screwed up thing? I'm actually angry that she's happy with her new, successful boyfriend. Apparently, the guy is better than me in every respect, and she's happier with him than she ever was with me. It's petty of me, and childish, but I can't get over it. I need to get my life in order, or she was right in calling me a lazy good for nothing failure. Heck, the main reason I'm starting college for electrical engineering is because I want to show her that she was wrong about me. I don't even want her back, I just want her to see me successful, and know what she lost. Isn't that pathetic? But its fuel, and I'll take it. I have little enough motivation as it is.

Rant mode, off. I guess I just needed to vent.

anattaboy

Wow! School and work--sounds daunting enough and I'm sober. I would probably put a plan together for the not-drinking-thing also (first) if I were in your shoes. Just my experience in that any endeavor that required commitment in my life was trumped by alcohol and made it more difficult or impossible to follow through. For anything to come first I had to remove alcohol cuz it was always NUMERO UNO!

Tic127

I know where your coming from spacemanvill I really do! I was there only 10 days ago, I can't begin to tell you how good it feels not drinking, already!!!

You can do it man, show the ex that you too are happy and a better person! You will spin out really badly for a few days, you will think about her and her new bloke and get all paranoid, just don't listen to the voices mate, they spend there time pissed what do they know!? they want you to drink to shut them up, but believe me they soon shut up when they realise you're not getting the next round in! Remember that feeling of crap EVERY MORNING! Be strong brother!

SpaceMandrill

I'll try. I'll remember today the next time I get the craving. I'm just heading out for my shift- after almost no sleep, constant panic attacks, anxiety, headache and general malaise. If that doesn't teach me...