bukowski

I've been to detox 6 times, rehab 4 times. Long rehab stays, too. 90+ twice, though my last stay was more in the ballpark of two weeks against medical advice.

First time caller, long time listener kind of thing. Not this site per se, but I've lurked on these kind of forums for a while.

Not really "addicted" to anything. Probably alcohol. I always get a ~36 on the AUDIT, but I use opiates and cocaine so interchangeably that I don't think I'd withdraw from either at this stage.

I don't know. I've just been getting a lot of intervention-y threats lately and I know I have some issues. It's been a rough year. ****. I dunno.

doggonecarl

Welcome to SR.

What don't you know, bukowski? If you have a problem? Or if you are ready to do something about it?

biminiblue

Welcome to the site.

There is a way out. Just stop.

Stick with us here, there is plenty of support.

bukowski

The latter. I'd imagine it's difficult to live in denial with multiple detox/rehab visits under one's belt.

My issue, though, is that I feel like I've tried everything. Antabuse and naltrexone, all manner of talking therapy, inpatient and outpatient, ******* hypnotherapy. I don't know what's left. I'm getting a little bit ******* exasperated by the process.

IWillWin

There is a way to stop the madness. Posting here is a good step. If you have family and friends offering help take it. And don't do it for them do it for YOU. You know how your story will end if you don't start writing new chapters.

Wishing you the best - we've all been there and know what you are going thru. You are not alone in this fight.

ScottFromWI

Welcome Bukowki. Lots of good support, people and info here. Since you don't really know what you want or need, I'll start with a question of my own. If you aren't addicted to anything, can you explain why you have been to detox and rehab so many times? Both programs are designed specifically for those with addicition. Did you go just for the heck of it, or end up there by accident somehow? Both are rhetoricical questions...but I might suggest that perhaps you simply haven't accepted that you have a problem? If that is the case be assured it's a common problem, and many of is have had it. And there is a way out.

doggonecarl

Did you go to rehab of your own volition? Did you want to get clean and sober?

I found when I really wanted recovery, not just pay lip service to sobriety, I succeeded. Hope you can too.

Windancer

I know the feeling. Ive been through numerous detox's, and a couple inpatient programs, and have had two DUI's (I am SO grateful I don't have a license....no need to have a potential weapon on wheels when I obviously cannot trust myself).
With everything I have tried, I often wind up feeling confused and helpless. There is no doubt I have a problem. But one thing is for sure, I am going to keep getting up and trying. If something has helped, I take it up again or continue. If if doesn't work for me I ditch it. But just keep trying! Not just that, keep doing!
Wish you all the best

EndGameNYC

Not asking you to post your answer here but, exasperated by treatments with disappointing or unsatisfactory outcome? Or exasperated with the consequences of drinking and using drugs? If both, which one disgusts you more?

Your honest answer will go a long way in determining what you do next and what happens next.

bukowski

Same as treatment haha. Blood in the water. I know I have problems with addiction. What I mean is that I don't think I'd suffer withdrawal if I stopped using opiates/cocaine today. I use them sporadically, like every second day. I know I can't easily stop drinking, because that's intensely uncomfortable. There's a difference.

Yeah, I'm just exasperated period. I don't feel like anything has worked (as evidenced by the fact it hasn't), and I hate that it hasn't. I suppose I hate being maudlin (British stiff upper-lip and all that), but I'm just really exhausted. I don't want to be unwell, and I despise that my friends and colleagues see me that way.

I'd be suicidal if I wasn't so unnerved by death.

bukowski

**** why are you people even responding.

I do appreciate it more than you know, it's just ******* weird. Not accustomed to it. Thank you anyway. I'll be less brazen.

EndGameNYC

Because it's the thing to do.

LadyBlue0527

This board is by far the best support that you can find on the net where people genuinely care. It's been a saving grace for me and the first time that I have been able to achieve long term sobriety. Even if I don't have time to post it's part of my daily routine.

These people are my sanity

Wecome bukowski, you'll find the same. I'm glad that you're here.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum bukowski!!

Hevyn

It's great to meet you Bukowski.

I was skeptical when I came here, but I started posting and felt immediate relief from the anxiety I had bottled up. Everyone understood and wanted to help encourage me. We're glad you joined us - hope you'll keep posting. You're never alone.

Verte

Hi Bukowski and welcome to posting on this forum. Serious saving grace here. I'm actually driving in the car at the moment and saw that you posted

Verte

Shoot. I hit send and I'm using phone. ? . I'll continue Saw that you posted and had to respond because I see you 'thanking' and am abundantly curious regarding what's on your mind. Please post more. When I woke up with the certainty that I had to stop drinking madness and had no bleepity clue what I was heading into - I posted here. Bingo! What great fortune.

Great place to be. Great people to hang out with. Dare I say - best concentration of good souls I never imagined. Yes. People are always here. Please keep posting and let us all know what's up

bukowski

Thank you, means more than you know.

I plan on staying here (at this website, wish me luck), so I suppose I'll introduce myself.

I'm a doctor, but still learning. I'm not American so I don't know your parlance but I'm what we call an FY2 doctor in the UK. So basically I've completed medical school and internship, I'm doing my speciality (emergency medicine).

I did medicine because I could. Purely and simply. I've enjoyed it since, yes, but the genesis was scholastic arrogance. Shouldn't deny that.

I'm now doubting whether or not I'll make it to consultancy. I've taken a long time to reach this point (maybe 3+ years more than usual).

I wanted to be a doctor because my family aren't white-collar. I have an aunt that went to university and that's it. So I've already done better than most of my family. I had done absurdly well, really, until the addiction things started.

And I suppose they didn't just "start". I've been a relatively heavy drinker since I was 15, but I had managed to focus until I was about 22-24. Then it derailed and I was merely passing.

I don't know what my point was. But I can't **** up now.

Man, don't get my hopes up haha. ****. I would like nothing more than to drink forever, but without the withdrawal, shame, embarrassment and other synonyms for embarrassment that pathologically accompany my drinking. So yeah, I suppose I'm here for a reason. It's a crappy, forced reason. But it's a reason.

amp123

Hey! You're not the only Brit on this site! I've come across a few of us! Not entirely surprising given the drink/drug culture on our little island!!

Anyway, welcome to SR. I've made it to 17 days with the support of people on this site who genuinely care. I post any time and always when I reach out I get people coming back to me. Come on mate! You can do this!!! All the best!

Verte

Hey Bukowski, or do you prefer Charles, what would be the "crappy, forced reason" for being here again? I missed that. Thanks.