WennK28

Ok, so I'm new to this and I desperately need some advice. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years now. I love him to death and he loves me too. He has been sober for about as long as we have been together, maybe a week longer. On our first date was when he had started rehab again (which he didn't tell me about until after our date). We had kind of known each other on and off for 3 years before we ever went out or even met. (We had met online). We dated for a short while and a month later we were officially together. About 4 months into our relationship he ended up going to jail. He just got out early this year after almost 2 years in jail. I would visit him every other weekend and write to him daily. I have been there for him through it all. I answered his calls whenever he called (even while I was at work). I understand he's been busy with school, parole, probation, taking care of a puppy (that I insisted he didn't get just yet because we can't afford it), NA meetings, therapy and finding time to do his homework in between. Plus, he runs for about 2 hours every morning. I have only been able to see him on Sundays for the past few months. Maybe for about 4 to 6 hours every time. I'm usually waiting for him to call since he's always so busy. When he does call we don't talk for more than 15 to 30 minutes at a time. He doesn't even text me in between much anymore. When we hang out I suggested we don't play with our phones and he had said it was a great idea. But that only worked for about 2 dates or so. Then he kept replying to texts or taking calls from people from his meetings. I understand they may need help but they were just calling to talk or ask for favors.

So I had recently suggested that he skip his runs on Sundays so that we could spend more time together, even if just an hour more. Keep in mind that this was last weekend and my birthday had been on Friday but we don't see each other til Sunday. So like I said, I suggested he skip it just for last Sunday and he nearly bit my head off. I didn't think it was such a bad thing to ask but apparently he thought it was the end if the world and stated that it was selfish of me to do ask that of him. You should probably know that I am an extremely jealous and somewhat possessive girlfriend when I really love someone and he is the man I want to marry. I have been trying my best not to put any extra pressure on him but it seems as though the more I try the more he worries and stresses.

Just today he has suggested couples counseling because last night he decided to have the guys hang out at his mom's house with him and I pointed out the fact that it was messed up that he was more than willing to stay up extremely late to hang out with the guys but as soon as he is tired and we are talking on the phone at night he wants to hang up to go to sleep. I wouldn't even have been upset if he had at least been texting me or even replying. I'm not quite sure we have gotten to the point where we need couples counseling, even though after reading all this it is making more sense to me that we do. Our problem can be fixed just between us for now. Or maybe it's just me because I'm not into having to go to counseling again (for other reasons). Maybe I'm just not ready to admit to myself that out relationship is in trouble.

I don't really know what to do anymore. I really want to make our relationship work. I just don't know how to communicate that to him without sounding crazy jealous. I just feel completely abandoned. I have been feeling neglected by the one person who says he loves me so much. I'm not gonna lie, I have been crying myself to sleep for a while now. Usually whenever he gets upset with me over wanting to have some of his uninterrupted attention. It's getting to the point where my mom is even telling me that crying over him isn't worth it. I'm just completely lost. I'm not a recovering alcoholic or drug addict myself but I did have other self destructive tendencies that I'm afraid I might fall back in to. I need help, advice. Anything. How do I save my trouble relationship? Has anyone else ever been in any situation similar to this?

I'm sorry it's so long. Thanks for reading it all the way through. I don't have anyone else to talk to about this. No one in my family or friends would understand. I've actually lost all my friends because I'm always so busy letting my world revolve around my boyfriend and anything I could help him with. :'(

ReadyAtLast

I think you should back off. It sounds as though you are smothering him. I'm female and have done similar in relationships-been possessive, jealous and trying to direct the course of the relationship.The only thing it did was make the man run.

I wonder if you are investing too much of yourself in this relationship. Whilst you say you've been together 2 1/2 years you were only together a very short time when he went to prison.If he has been in prison for 2 years then in reality you have been together a very short period of time. Now he is out of prison he wants to see friends, do things with and without you and this is fine. It doesn't matter how much you want it to work-he has to want it to. Forcing the issue will just drive him away.

It is good that you recognize your own issues in this. My advice would be to work on yourself, your self esteem and self worth and try and make yourself feel better. I know for me until I worked on me and my own problems no relationship stood any chance of lasting. Rebuild your own life, your friendships, make your own life. Women who have their own lives are much more attractive to men - I learnt that the very hard way

EndGameNYC

If nothing else, your relationship has changed in ways that stimulate insecurities that you wrote are part and parcel of your being in a relationship. As RAL commented, you've truly only known each other as a face-to-face couple for a relatively short amount of time, and even then, your contact is extremely limited.

Long-distance relationships can be exciting, right up until the moment that they are conducted in close proximity. They often don't translate well to the real-life realities that relationships carry. Research demonstrates that many people who seek LDRs become overly emotionally invested in the other person very quickly and very intensely, with people filling in the blanks in their imaginations of who and what the other person is by referring to their own wants and needs, rather than addressing anything they truly know about the other person. His two-year bid further enhanced the fantasy-bound aspects of this relationship including, but not limited to, the likelihood that you were feeling less jealous and possessive due to his incarceration. Apparently he's more comfortable with "distance" than you are. This, as are most things in a relationship, is negotiated space. The idea that couples are "supposed to act in a certain way" is generally destructive, though there are social norms that tend to limit extreme behaviors while being in a committed relationship.

"Our problem can be fixed just between us for now."

Based on your comments, this has only seemed to have gotten worse. Again, based on your comments, I don't see anything in your post that makes me optimistic that you two can "fix this" between yourselves without outside help.

What's interesting, to me, is that he suggested couples therapy. In the overwhelming majority of cases, it is the man and not the woman, who suggests this as a solution, with most guys refusing to go. Those men who do consent to therapy often go just long enough to have their contributions to "the problem" exposed, never to return again. I can't tell you how many times I've seen this in my own work. If nothing else, I have some bizarre stories (though no longer bizarre to me), but this is neither the time or place.

Take him up on his offer.