nodak88

This is day 3 and I always get the second thoughts about recovery between now and two weeks. I always think "I can control it", "I will just have a couple here and there"...then before I know it I'm blacked out as soon as the fiancé leaves for a few days. I need to realize this is the only way to live an honest life and be happy!

desypete

how serious do you think your problem really is ?
only you can make your mind up here as its only you that can either sink or swim

i read many posts from people who have so much in there life and yet there in risk of going to lose it all like i did but can i pass this on to them in a way they can understand ? not really as they dont believe there as bad as that yet

so maybe the answer is keep on drinking until you have nothing left and then you might take it serious
or you could be a wise owl and learn from other peoples mistakes ?

for me i had to understand what the hell was wrong with me
why couldnt i just drink normally ?

they told me in aa that the problem is when i pick up the first drink it would lead to a huge craving inside my body that normal drinkers dont have
so when i take the first drink it sets off that craving that i want more and more and i end up drunk as a skunk with a hell of a hang over the next day wishing i hadnt done that last night
guilt shame and remorse would also follow as i tried to remember just what i did last night

then i would stay off the drink swearing i will never do it again
but over time the dust settles and i think maybe if i tried to drink half pints instead of pints i might not get drunk
maybe if i drank non alcholic drinks i will not get drunk
maybe if i only drank at 9 oclock at night i will not get drunk

i tried everything i could think of to control my drinking but always ended up back in the same old mess again

so if i dont pick up that first drink i can not get drunk as i will not set that craving off

but then i loved what the drink gave me that magic feeling of freedom and happiness i couldnt get that feeling anywere else other than from drinking
so if i didnt drink my life would be boring and dull

so it was not only a physical craving i had for the booze once it was inside of me it was also a mental one for the effect it gave me

booze helped me cope with life i thought when really it was causing my life to be one long misable existance

i know i am an alcoholic and i found aa to help me understand me and what i am but also to give me the tools i need to not ever need to pick up that first drink no matter how bad my head will tell me i have a place to go to free myself from it

but i have to want it more than i want the booze this is why its such a crazy illness to me as we all know who are free from the grips of booze just how you feel to be stuck in that dark place but we have no magic wand that will make it better for you or any easyier
it has to come from you like its had to come from us all at one point in our lives
good luck

nodak88

That is the sick thing about my head. I will go two weeks without drinking and then all of a sudden I will pick up a beer(I ridded myself of hard liquor, classic) and do something I truly regret. Then I will stop for another two weeks and the cycle continues. I have already lost everything once, job, family, friends, fiancé. Somehow, some way I was able to get all of those things back. I convinced them that it wasn't necessarily the alcohol, but a mental state of mind due to being a veteran. I hate this demon, more than anyone of my friends can understand.

desypete

have you thought about giving aa a try ?
for me its were i found my answers

i was in all sorts of mess when i came to aa
i had the shame of going to prison my kids taken away from me my business gone all my money gone i had nothing left but booze and a flat and was about to lose my flat
aa helped me sort out all my demons and i ended up getting my kids back with a home for them a job and some money again
i got my life back and much more as i found out how to stop my head : )

PeanutButterCup

It sounds to me like you've learned something through all these attempts. Now to apply that.

It helps me to remind myself that a drink really truly won't make me happier in any situation. Life honestly is GOOD without it, and why would I want to risk that for something that won't even make it better? It was HARD to stop drinking for good, and I never ever want to have to stop again. It's much easier, for me, to STAY stopped than to GET stopped. Even if I could control it, why try? Life is good. Really good.

A word I've never really cared for is "sober". To me, that conjures images of boring, quiet, stiff-necked people. Instead, I like to think of myself as "free" ... I'm free from obsession about when and where I'll drink again, I'm free from the shame of doing what I know is completely selfish and neglectful to my family, I'm free from the anxiety of trying to pretend I'm fine, I'm free from the regret of another lost day that I'll never ever get back again. I'm free to be present in every moment of every day, to feel all my feelings - both good and not-so-good - and still function fully, to think of the needs of others and be a helpful part of a family and community, to enjoy the simple pleasures in life like doing my daughters' hair in the morning, to finally begin to love me again.

I don't know if any of this helps you, but it surely helps ME to stay sober! I wish you all the best as you move closer to your own freedom.

PurpleKnight

I had to really accept that a period of abstinence in no way cures or fixes me, how realistically could it? . . . that 1st drink will always lead to the same place and so that door needs to remain firmly shut at all times!!

You can do this!!

nodak88

Thanks a lot. I like your view on being "free" versus being "sober." As far as AA goes, the closest aa meeting is over forty miles away, but I plan on attending when work allows me to(shift work). I have learned through my previous treatment that I dont need to drink everyday to be alcoholic, which I don't. I go to family functions and have two or three, go home and I'm fine. I will do this for a few weeks and all of a sudden I have no one around to "judge" me, then it's game on. All of that built up desire to drink let's loose and two days later I wake up wondering what happened, not eating, and trying to do damage control with people I talked to in my blacken binge. North Dakota revolves around drinking, it is seriously hard to just give it up for good. My friends think because I don't need to drink everyday, I'm not alcoholic. I seriously think this is false.

Dee74

Hi nodak

I found that posting here regularly really helped. Once I joined this community and really participated in it, I kept seeing my story again and again and again.

It's much harder to convince yourself you don't have a problem when that problem is in front of you in black and white

have you thought of joining our Class of July support thread at all?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-2-a-17.html

D

advbike

I tried for years to quit my daily drinking. I also would make it days or weeks before my AV would convince me moderation was possible. It wasn't.

This site is what allowed me to do it. Now I have 11 months, life is better, and I am working a program of recovery in order to resolve some of the deeper issues that caused me to drink in the first place.

And I'm doing things sober that I never would have dreamed were possible just one year ago.. I'm posting this from a cafe in the Philippines, where I'm traveling. And enjoying life again.

least

Welcome! You've come to a very supportive site. I hope we can help you stop drinking for good.