I asked for forgiveness and they said "no" and then more
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Reno, Nv
Posts: 873
I asked for forgiveness and they said "no" and then more
Something was weighing on me and I decided to apologize to someone with absolute good intentions and make amends. Rather, they said no, and then spent the next 20 minutes ridiculing the ground I walk on, tell me how crappy I actually am, and being an all around pain.
Don't want to except my apology I get that, don't want to talk to me I understand, but to just open of the gates of hell and come after me like I was the spawn of satan. WOW! I know I did this person very wrong all while drunk and being stupid, but to come at me like that!
So I took the high road, bascially told them, sorry you can't except my apology, and that I won't call again. However, if there was ever a time I wanted to drink, nothing in their 20 minutes of rage was incorrect or wrong either. That is what is really eating at me I suppose, I was that bad. Now I am trying to get better, but everything about the old non sober me came to ahead.
So, I am not going to drink, but really need to think back on all the reasons I am not drinking. Its some sick, sad, position too, when the one thing that caused your problems in the thing you crave when things get ugly for you.
For now, stay safe and sober friends, TDG
Don't want to except my apology I get that, don't want to talk to me I understand, but to just open of the gates of hell and come after me like I was the spawn of satan. WOW! I know I did this person very wrong all while drunk and being stupid, but to come at me like that!
So I took the high road, bascially told them, sorry you can't except my apology, and that I won't call again. However, if there was ever a time I wanted to drink, nothing in their 20 minutes of rage was incorrect or wrong either. That is what is really eating at me I suppose, I was that bad. Now I am trying to get better, but everything about the old non sober me came to ahead.
So, I am not going to drink, but really need to think back on all the reasons I am not drinking. Its some sick, sad, position too, when the one thing that caused your problems in the thing you crave when things get ugly for you.
For now, stay safe and sober friends, TDG
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,411
The past is the past, and you were trying to make amends.
Sometimes the crap we did while drinking doesn't go away even though we stopped.
But you have given up drinking, and are in the process of making a better life for yourself
now and in the future.
That's all you can change. This moment, then the next.
Forgive yourself for past mistakes.
Let it go and know you are changing your life for the better.
Sometimes the crap we did while drinking doesn't go away even though we stopped.
But you have given up drinking, and are in the process of making a better life for yourself
now and in the future.
That's all you can change. This moment, then the next.
Forgive yourself for past mistakes.
Let it go and know you are changing your life for the better.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
I'm sorry TDG.
Thats the thing about amends - sometimes they won't be accepted.
We have to learn to deal with that as much as the reconcilliations.
I just said this in another thread: we are way more than our addictions...we're also way more than what we might have done in the past.
Today's the only day we can do anything about.
Keep doing the right thing, TDG
D
Thats the thing about amends - sometimes they won't be accepted.
We have to learn to deal with that as much as the reconcilliations.
I just said this in another thread: we are way more than our addictions...we're also way more than what we might have done in the past.
Today's the only day we can do anything about.
Keep doing the right thing, TDG
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
Some things take time. Often there is never enough time for wounds to heal.
The important thing is to keep yourself on the right path. Do not dwell on it. Know that at least you made an attempt. That's what counts.
Maybe years down the road? Do not cross it off your list, move it to the back page.
Then give it consideration at a much later time.
The important thing is to keep yourself on the right path. Do not dwell on it. Know that at least you made an attempt. That's what counts.
Maybe years down the road? Do not cross it off your list, move it to the back page.
Then give it consideration at a much later time.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Hi TDG
First, congratulations on trying to do the right thing but you might be jumping the gun a little bit.
You are making some amends (9th steps) but have you done your fourth, fifth etc...?
The steps are in order for a reason and one thing is that if you work them in order and diligently you will be psychologically prepared if someone refuses your amends or even becomes borderline abusive with you.
Through working the steps, you will also be able to determine which amend is appropriate. Often a I'm sorry doesn't cut it especially if you are in early sobriety. They probably heard it already and/or are probably very doubtful that you have changed.
Jumping the gun and doing amends while you are not ready has the potential to harm you. Don't let this reaction fester in your soul and build a resentment over that...that could lead you to a drink or at least to more stuff to put on your fourth!
My suggestion would be that until you have worked the steps in between the best way to make amends right now is by staying sober and not behaving the way you used to. Actions speak louder than words.
Until you have reach that stage, you can do a small daily inventory so you don't have more stuff piling up
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it
Good luck and keep up the good work.
First, congratulations on trying to do the right thing but you might be jumping the gun a little bit.
You are making some amends (9th steps) but have you done your fourth, fifth etc...?
The steps are in order for a reason and one thing is that if you work them in order and diligently you will be psychologically prepared if someone refuses your amends or even becomes borderline abusive with you.
Through working the steps, you will also be able to determine which amend is appropriate. Often a I'm sorry doesn't cut it especially if you are in early sobriety. They probably heard it already and/or are probably very doubtful that you have changed.
Jumping the gun and doing amends while you are not ready has the potential to harm you. Don't let this reaction fester in your soul and build a resentment over that...that could lead you to a drink or at least to more stuff to put on your fourth!
My suggestion would be that until you have worked the steps in between the best way to make amends right now is by staying sober and not behaving the way you used to. Actions speak louder than words.
Until you have reach that stage, you can do a small daily inventory so you don't have more stuff piling up
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it
Good luck and keep up the good work.
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
Thatdeliveryguy, you are FANTASTIC, congratulations. You put out an honest ever to make an amend, you did the right thing, you got it out of you mind, they took advantage of the situation to tell you what they think of you, now they have it off of their mind, both parties have won, now let it go forever. Rootin for ya. 
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
I understand. I tried to reach out to someone about 5 years ago. They didn't reciprocate. They weren't interested. I still have them in mind, I didn't reach out again. And they haven't either. Heavy sigh....
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
I didn't ask forgiveness in my amends...that is not why I did them. Amends are for ME. To make right my wrongs if possible. Mostly by living a clean sober life. If someone doesn't accept them, it's not my problem...my side of the street gets cleaned and that is the goal.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Amends are 8th and 9th step work. The steps are in order for a reason. Have you we worked the preceeding steps with a sponsor? Many times when we don't follow the directions the outcomes are less than optimal
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Costa Mesa, CA
Posts: 214
That took courage! I've made some living amends to family members who would forgive me anything anyway but have yet to reach out to some others...
Seems that the reaction you got from this person was a little strong. They could have just said, "Thanks but not really interested." Perhaps they are struggling with something themselves...
Seems that the reaction you got from this person was a little strong. They could have just said, "Thanks but not really interested." Perhaps they are struggling with something themselves...
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Sometimes, just because we have an epiphany about something, doesn't mean the timing is right for the other person.
The other thing is, sometimes people just want to stay angry about stuff. Only you have the power to control your reaction to that. And drinking isn't the answer.
The other thing is, sometimes people just want to stay angry about stuff. Only you have the power to control your reaction to that. And drinking isn't the answer.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 596
Originally Posted by Thatdeliveryguy 
Something was weighing on me and I decided to apologize to someone with absolute good intentions and make amends. Rather, they said no, and then spent the next 20 minutes ridiculing the ground I walk on, tell me how crappy I actually am, and being an all around pain.
Don't want to except my apology I get that, don't want to talk to me I understand, but to just open of the gates of hell and come after me like I was the spawn of satan. WOW! I know I did this person very wrong all while drunk and being stupid, but to come at me like that!
So I took the high road, bascially told them, sorry you can't except my apology, and that I won't call again. However, if there was ever a time I wanted to drink, nothing in their 20 minutes of rage was incorrect or wrong either. That is what is really eating at me I suppose, I was that bad. Now I am trying to get better, but everything about the old non sober me came to ahead.
So, I am not going to drink, but really need to think back on all the reasons I am not drinking. Its some sick, sad, position too, when the one thing that caused your problems in the thing you crave when things get ugly for you.
For now, stay safe and sober friends, TDG
Don't want to except my apology I get that, don't want to talk to me I understand, but to just open of the gates of hell and come after me like I was the spawn of satan. WOW! I know I did this person very wrong all while drunk and being stupid, but to come at me like that!
So I took the high road, bascially told them, sorry you can't except my apology, and that I won't call again. However, if there was ever a time I wanted to drink, nothing in their 20 minutes of rage was incorrect or wrong either. That is what is really eating at me I suppose, I was that bad. Now I am trying to get better, but everything about the old non sober me came to ahead.
So, I am not going to drink, but really need to think back on all the reasons I am not drinking. Its some sick, sad, position too, when the one thing that caused your problems in the thing you crave when things get ugly for you.
For now, stay safe and sober friends, TDG
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,997
That happened to me to TDG. First time around when I quit years ago.
College roommate. I went to apologize for a horrible drunk experience I drug her into and she told me she never wanted to see me again. Wouldn't even look at me.
Actually, it turned into a very good experience for me. Not at first. At first it sucked. But as I got more and more sober time and started liking myself more, it didn't matter as much. Of course I wish I hadn't put her in that position but I learned that I could own the consequence of my actions and I was still okay.
I even got to the point where it wasn't about her accepting my apology. It was about me having the courage to apologize.
College roommate. I went to apologize for a horrible drunk experience I drug her into and she told me she never wanted to see me again. Wouldn't even look at me.
Actually, it turned into a very good experience for me. Not at first. At first it sucked. But as I got more and more sober time and started liking myself more, it didn't matter as much. Of course I wish I hadn't put her in that position but I learned that I could own the consequence of my actions and I was still okay.
I even got to the point where it wasn't about her accepting my apology. It was about me having the courage to apologize.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
That sucks, TDG. Not everyone can be graceful and kind. Sounds like they were out of line but as you ask for their forgiveness, maybe try to forgive them, too. Making amends might be a "duty" but forgiveness is a gift. Maybe it was asking more than they are willing to give. But the important thing is that you tried.
That's a painful lesson! But actions have consequences. Not all relationships can be repaired. Don't let it discourage you! That person was raging at the person you used to be, the guy you're trying very hard not to be any more! So far from making you want to drink that should be even more reason not to.
Hang in there, TDG. Things will get better as you keep working on it.
That's a painful lesson! But actions have consequences. Not all relationships can be repaired. Don't let it discourage you! That person was raging at the person you used to be, the guy you're trying very hard not to be any more! So far from making you want to drink that should be even more reason not to.
Hang in there, TDG. Things will get better as you keep working on it.
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