When my heart broke for you
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 196
When my heart broke for you
Mom,
I was so angry for so many years. I couldn't sleep for the nightmares of remembering you beating me, your anger and depression were so much of your soul they became the root of my own. I hated you for that. I seethed and lashed out. It was hard to see at first, when I lashed out about your drinking you felt betrayed, I see that now. Your little girl used to love staying up with you and your friends, loved bringing you beers because that's the only time she got praised.
However, as the years passed, the praise became emptier. As you missed my games to go to the bar, left me to get stitches while you were too stressed out to sit there and had to get a drink, as you forgot and guilted and took your own insecurities out on me the love of those times disappeared.
A few years ago some friends entered my life, you hated them, with a fiery passion. To you they had removed your obedient little girl. The one who would allow you to yell and rave at the world. To me they freed me. They convinced me I was worthy of real love, that I wasn't put on this earth to grab your beers and dry your tears, and for the first time I felt happy. So deliriously happy, but the pain, and anger began to grow. My mother, my own mother had betrayed me, she had stolen my life, she had stolen my chance at this happiness. All of those years of pain were her fault. Then if that wasn't enough of a kick I found out my father hid your secrets. That my grandparents knew and never acted. It didn't matter who held my hand for a while, I was angry and there was no escape.
I hated you and my life and every god forsaken moment. And then blessedly those same friends told me I was becoming you. My hatred for what you had done was molding me, changing my heart. They asked me to soften it. To find your humanity so I could help find my own. It took years, it was painful, and hard, so often I wanted to give up and become the anger. Even now I sometimes have a hard time letting myself relax for fear that the anger will resurface.
We have changed, I no longer grab your beers, but I don't shudder when you do, you have made your choices I have made mine. I can love you without supporting your alcoholism. I can be around you without buying into your disfunction.
Last night I watched you sit at a bar, talking to your daughter you haven't seen in over two months. Your beer ran out, and in your eyes I saw panic. Real, true, genuine panic, and my heart broke. You actually grabbed the bartender because the two minutes you waited for a new beer were too long. When she called you out you cried to me, and cried, and cried, and panicked that someone saw you embarass yourself. To the public you aren't an alcoholic to them you're the partier, but you knew in that moment you lost the facade, and it broke my heart to see it. Not for me or my lost years or for the nightmares I still sometimes have, the love of my life holds me tighter when I cry now. I may have lost those years but I gained more wisdom and compassion than most people my age. My heart broke for you. For the life you have drowned in those bottles. For the memories you lost and the ones you will never have. I have found others, friends, surrogate mothers, I am truly loved because I learned how to love myself. But you, you will never know that kind of peace and warmth. So today, mom, today I cry for you, today my heart breaks for you, but I couldn't be more sure I will never be you.
Love,
Your ever growing daughter.
The words I cannot say to her, but had to share somewhere.
I was so angry for so many years. I couldn't sleep for the nightmares of remembering you beating me, your anger and depression were so much of your soul they became the root of my own. I hated you for that. I seethed and lashed out. It was hard to see at first, when I lashed out about your drinking you felt betrayed, I see that now. Your little girl used to love staying up with you and your friends, loved bringing you beers because that's the only time she got praised.
However, as the years passed, the praise became emptier. As you missed my games to go to the bar, left me to get stitches while you were too stressed out to sit there and had to get a drink, as you forgot and guilted and took your own insecurities out on me the love of those times disappeared.
A few years ago some friends entered my life, you hated them, with a fiery passion. To you they had removed your obedient little girl. The one who would allow you to yell and rave at the world. To me they freed me. They convinced me I was worthy of real love, that I wasn't put on this earth to grab your beers and dry your tears, and for the first time I felt happy. So deliriously happy, but the pain, and anger began to grow. My mother, my own mother had betrayed me, she had stolen my life, she had stolen my chance at this happiness. All of those years of pain were her fault. Then if that wasn't enough of a kick I found out my father hid your secrets. That my grandparents knew and never acted. It didn't matter who held my hand for a while, I was angry and there was no escape.
I hated you and my life and every god forsaken moment. And then blessedly those same friends told me I was becoming you. My hatred for what you had done was molding me, changing my heart. They asked me to soften it. To find your humanity so I could help find my own. It took years, it was painful, and hard, so often I wanted to give up and become the anger. Even now I sometimes have a hard time letting myself relax for fear that the anger will resurface.
We have changed, I no longer grab your beers, but I don't shudder when you do, you have made your choices I have made mine. I can love you without supporting your alcoholism. I can be around you without buying into your disfunction.
Last night I watched you sit at a bar, talking to your daughter you haven't seen in over two months. Your beer ran out, and in your eyes I saw panic. Real, true, genuine panic, and my heart broke. You actually grabbed the bartender because the two minutes you waited for a new beer were too long. When she called you out you cried to me, and cried, and cried, and panicked that someone saw you embarass yourself. To the public you aren't an alcoholic to them you're the partier, but you knew in that moment you lost the facade, and it broke my heart to see it. Not for me or my lost years or for the nightmares I still sometimes have, the love of my life holds me tighter when I cry now. I may have lost those years but I gained more wisdom and compassion than most people my age. My heart broke for you. For the life you have drowned in those bottles. For the memories you lost and the ones you will never have. I have found others, friends, surrogate mothers, I am truly loved because I learned how to love myself. But you, you will never know that kind of peace and warmth. So today, mom, today I cry for you, today my heart breaks for you, but I couldn't be more sure I will never be you.
Love,
Your ever growing daughter.
The words I cannot say to her, but had to share somewhere.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Very wise to have shared it here instead of with her. When I had to write a letter to my alcoholic dad in treatment he dismissed it –and me. Didn't make a dent. Until he worked the program and came to that step.
Your growth is very evident, glad to see you embracing your own health and staying on your path. Leaps and bounds.
Your growth is very evident, glad to see you embracing your own health and staying on your path. Leaps and bounds.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
I hope your pain grows ever softer and fades into something easier to deal with. I know some of your pain.I am glad you are finding healing, loving yourself, and giving yourself what you need. I am sorry that you had to go through that as a child. No child should have to .
thank you for sharing. hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 196
Thanks for all the love guys. It's weird how things happen when they need to, I was going through another phase as I was stressed out where I was concerned the anger was building again. It was odd how that moment took so much of it away.
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