new relationship
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: boyne city, michigan
Posts: 20
new relationship
Can someone explain to me why its taboo to start a new relationship after leaving your alcoholic spouse? I am newly divorced from aexh and have noticed in many posts warnings about getting into new relationships but i am wondering about the pitfalls. Thanks
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
amandasue...first, I think you have asked an excellent question!
Others will be along, soon, I am sure, to answer in more specifics.
I would like to suggest that if you have not, yet, read "Co-dependent No MOre" by Melodie Beattie, I think you would benefit from it. It is practically classic reading, in these parts. It will give you a good backdrop in the understanding of the mind set of those who get into relationships with alcoholics, addicts, and other needy or demanding partners.
It is a page=turner....LOL.
dandylion
Others will be along, soon, I am sure, to answer in more specifics.
I would like to suggest that if you have not, yet, read "Co-dependent No MOre" by Melodie Beattie, I think you would benefit from it. It is practically classic reading, in these parts. It will give you a good backdrop in the understanding of the mind set of those who get into relationships with alcoholics, addicts, and other needy or demanding partners.
It is a page=turner....LOL.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I wouldn't say taboo, just not recommended. For people who are codependent, grew up with alcoholism, were in a long term alcoholic relationship, we tend to attract and be attracted to certain types of unhealthy people. People with substance abuse issues, mental illnesses, personality disorders. It takes time and recovery on our part to not jump into these unhealthy relationships, go slowly, watch for red flags and be able to end a relationship that isn't right for us, whatever the reason.
Alcohol is my ex's drug of choice, mine is people and relationships and control and drama (codependency, in other words). I have been working an Alanon recovery and doing foo work with a therapist. I feel great, but do not feel any particular need to jump right into another relationship. I have been single for nearly a year, which is the longest stretch of time ever since I started dating in my teens. I am learning to enjoy my own company, have fun and get out of my little rut.
Only you know what's right for you, and I don't know your particular situation. If you feel ready, then go ahead and date. Lots of people do it. Just consider your reasons for seeking out a relationship right now.
Alcohol is my ex's drug of choice, mine is people and relationships and control and drama (codependency, in other words). I have been working an Alanon recovery and doing foo work with a therapist. I feel great, but do not feel any particular need to jump right into another relationship. I have been single for nearly a year, which is the longest stretch of time ever since I started dating in my teens. I am learning to enjoy my own company, have fun and get out of my little rut.
Only you know what's right for you, and I don't know your particular situation. If you feel ready, then go ahead and date. Lots of people do it. Just consider your reasons for seeking out a relationship right now.
Stoic
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wash D.C.
Posts: 321
Dandylion hinted at it a little bit...a large part is that sometimes we might be a little blinded to our choices in a relationship.
A....can't see the forest for the trees...type of dynamic.
So, we have to be extra careful that we're not getting ourselves into a relationship that will mirror our last one...through no fault of our own, but because we just didn't recognize that we might not have been 100% sure what we needed in a relationship, and what we don't need.
A....can't see the forest for the trees...type of dynamic.
So, we have to be extra careful that we're not getting ourselves into a relationship that will mirror our last one...through no fault of our own, but because we just didn't recognize that we might not have been 100% sure what we needed in a relationship, and what we don't need.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,413
There is are reasons we get into and stay with toxic relationships, and
these reasons were there before the alcoholic spouse.
They are still there unless you have identified what's going on inside you
that makes you choose and live with an addicted partner.
Living with such a partner also changes how we are in the relationship dynamic.
That's why so many people who get out of a relationship with an addict get into another one,
or a series of other ones, and they can't understand how it happens.
Codependent No More would be a good starting place to investigate that.
Everybody is different, but learning about the dynamic will only be helpful
these reasons were there before the alcoholic spouse.
They are still there unless you have identified what's going on inside you
that makes you choose and live with an addicted partner.
Living with such a partner also changes how we are in the relationship dynamic.
That's why so many people who get out of a relationship with an addict get into another one,
or a series of other ones, and they can't understand how it happens.
Codependent No More would be a good starting place to investigate that.
Everybody is different, but learning about the dynamic will only be helpful
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I've been divorced from an A for four years and am remarried.
The only reason I felt I could get involved in a serious relationship that quickly is that I knew my new husband most of my life and all of my adult life. He had seen me go through hell and back with AXH, and knew that he was taking on a woman who had several suitcases full of baggage...
I can tell you that despite me having been in Al-Anon for eight years, and here at SR for as long, I'm still very much IN recovery. The habits and coping strategies I used for 20 years in an alcoholic marriage don't go away in a heartbeat. And if I let them run rampant, they would destroy this marriage. For example -- when normal people have a disagreement, they disagree, discuss, argue, and come to a conclusion. I don't do that. When we have a disagreement, I shut down. I get a lump in my stomach, I get anxious, I get convinced that he's going to leave me, and I start contemplating whether I should maybe leave first. That's my gut reaction to a disagreement, because disagreements in my alcoholic marriage always ended with me crying and apologizing after hours of being berated and called names and yelled at.
There are so many bad habits we learn in a dysfunctional relationship. That's one thing. You don't want to carry those to a new relationship.
The other thing is that when I left AXH, I was broken. I had zero confidence. I believed AXH when he said I was a [oh I forgot I can't use those words here but just insert all the insults generally thrown at women when bad people are angry]. I believed I was worthless. If I had gone out and tried to date in that condition, I would have been a magnet for abusive men. So I didn't date. I holed up with my closest friends. And ended up marrying one of them. Who knew, and who knew me well enough to call me on my dysfunctional behavior whenever it rears its ugly head.
That's my story. That's why I would recommend staying single and working on yourself for a while.
The only reason I felt I could get involved in a serious relationship that quickly is that I knew my new husband most of my life and all of my adult life. He had seen me go through hell and back with AXH, and knew that he was taking on a woman who had several suitcases full of baggage...
I can tell you that despite me having been in Al-Anon for eight years, and here at SR for as long, I'm still very much IN recovery. The habits and coping strategies I used for 20 years in an alcoholic marriage don't go away in a heartbeat. And if I let them run rampant, they would destroy this marriage. For example -- when normal people have a disagreement, they disagree, discuss, argue, and come to a conclusion. I don't do that. When we have a disagreement, I shut down. I get a lump in my stomach, I get anxious, I get convinced that he's going to leave me, and I start contemplating whether I should maybe leave first. That's my gut reaction to a disagreement, because disagreements in my alcoholic marriage always ended with me crying and apologizing after hours of being berated and called names and yelled at.
There are so many bad habits we learn in a dysfunctional relationship. That's one thing. You don't want to carry those to a new relationship.
The other thing is that when I left AXH, I was broken. I had zero confidence. I believed AXH when he said I was a [oh I forgot I can't use those words here but just insert all the insults generally thrown at women when bad people are angry]. I believed I was worthless. If I had gone out and tried to date in that condition, I would have been a magnet for abusive men. So I didn't date. I holed up with my closest friends. And ended up marrying one of them. Who knew, and who knew me well enough to call me on my dysfunctional behavior whenever it rears its ugly head.
That's my story. That's why I would recommend staying single and working on yourself for a while.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello there Amanda Sue,
I read a few of your posts. Do you go to Al Anon or Celebrate Recovery at all? Have you read up on Adult Children of Alcoholics?
I somehow can pick an ACOA up like lint on a dryer trap. No effort.
I read a few of your posts. Do you go to Al Anon or Celebrate Recovery at all? Have you read up on Adult Children of Alcoholics?
I somehow can pick an ACOA up like lint on a dryer trap. No effort.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: boyne city, michigan
Posts: 20
No, im not in al anon yet. Just so busy working like crazy to support myself! I do come here to read and learn and appreciate every bit of it! Thank god for this site! I think that i got out of my marriage before it got too bad. I knew the road it was going down and didnt want to stay for the grand finale'. I have met another man, someone i knew as a child. He isnt a drinker or drug user...i am very aware of what i dont want in my life and he is a healthy person. Just wondering if there were things that i wasnt looking closely at in him or me that would be red flags. Thanks everyone.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Well I'm not giving any more SR advice until you ship me some MI cherries. 
Well perhaps go slow is probably my recommendation. You know the guy, he knows your story? Who am I to caution something that has already started?
Well perhaps go slow is probably my recommendation. You know the guy, he knows your story? Who am I to caution something that has already started?
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