HELP34

Hello all, I am coming here for support, guidance and advice.

I have been clean since 1997 the day I found out I was pregnant.

After a number of really bad relationships within the last 10 year due to my poor choices in mates. I met Bob (not his real name) over a year ago. He was one of the most caring, gentle, supportive man i have ever met. I pushed him away and tested him for months, he kept coming back. He told me he loved me, he never met anyone like me, made me feel like a queen. He cooked, he helped wash dishes, supported me during a major depressive episode.. called everyday to make sure I was ok.

I knew he drank on a reg basis BUT I asked him not to drink in my home. Time went on and my mistake I decided to have a "drink" with him, that one small lapse was well over 9 months ago. But because I had that one drink with him, it gave him permission to drink in my house, I suggested help with his drinking problem suggested AA.... he is unwilling to get help. His drinking went from 1 per week to 7 days a week.

We have now been together over a year in the last two months things have gotten really bad for him. I can tell he is in a depression, drinking has hit a all time high. He changes his mind about our relationship what seems to be every hour. Sometimes he wants to have a forever relationship, the next day he tells me he just wants to be friends, the next he is never coming back. We never fight or yell.. in fact we never even say a harsh word to each other, no swearing NOTHING.

One good example was a week ago he was drinking of course he was upset and crying over something I really can't remember. He eventually told me he loved me but was not in love with me, that he does not want me in his future.. BUT.. I am the most amazing person he has ever met and he wants to be best friends forever. (This is not the 1st time he has done this in fact seems he does this every 2 to three months) ...

At this point I am tired of being hurt, so my response was " Bob I love you, you deserve to be happy, therefore I will support any decision you make and will always be your friend". At this point I asked for his car keys, because he has left my home drunk before. I offered to drive him home. He started to cry and told me he wanted to stay here. I agreed and made a bed for him and went to bed my self. Then he came to me and said he was confused that when he breaks up with me he wants me even more, at this point he was starting to sober up. We agreed to return to dating and put the brakes on anything serious.

He is now telling me that he is on a dating site (this guy is very honest). He is there because he is lonely and just wants to talk to people. He still wants me, and then again he does not... who knows it depends on the day.

Bottom line:
I feel like this is getting to be too much. BUT........... I feel like a horrible person for walking away. He is depressed, he is drinking way too much and needs a friend.

My depression and anxiety are ripping me a new one. I don't want his drinking in my home. But he won't stop. I am a single mom with three kids to take care of. Bob is draining every bit of energy I have. BUT because he helped me when I was so depressed I could not get out of bed. Its hard for me to walk away...

Suggestions......... Support.... anything will help...

ScottFromWI

Welcome HELP34. Sounds to me like you know what the right thing to do is, you know from overcoming your own addiction that there's nothing you can do to help him until he wants it. Sounds like you've been more than fair, and frankly it seems he's been taking advantage.

Anna

The most important thing is for you to take care of yourself and your children. I hope you can find some peace.

VikingGF

You and your children come first. I agree with ScottFromWI, it seems you know the right thing to do, and certainly we can't change anyone's behavior. He wants his cake and to eat it too, keep you in his pocket while he "talks" to other people on a dating site. He does not seem as concerned for your well-being as you do for his..... Something to think about. Or act on. He needs some consequences for his actions, especially if they are taking such a toll on you. Good luck.

Lisa.

Dee74

Hi Help

I'm really sorry for your situation but I'm glad you found us - there's a ton of support here

You're not to blame for Bob's drinking - I'm glad you're thinking of yourself and your children's needs.

D

HELP34

So although I feel like the world most horrible person for walking out on him. I know its something that must be done. My next question and concern is. How?

I am a compassionate person. However being nice will only invite him to come back. I have never ever just walked away from someone before..... Suggestions would be great

HELP34

So although I feel like the world most horrible person for walking out on him. I know its something that must be done. My next question and concern is. How?

I am a compassionate person. However being nice will only invite him to come back. I have never ever just walked away from someone before..... Suggestions would be great

VikingGF

When I cut an addict out of my life, which was very hard because she was family, I told her I loved her but I could no longer watch her kill herself. She was not to call, visit or contact me in any way until she was in treatment or in recovery. I did not pick up the phone if it was her, I did not respond to emails or texts. Fortunately, it all turned out well, but it took a long time for me to allow her fully back into my life. The important part is to stay strong, and realize that the only thing you can control is you. Good luck.

Lisa.

Thepatman

Unless I did not read correctly, I did not see a statement on how you feel about Bob.

You did mention he cooked, cleaned, etc. but nothing about how you feel about him love wise.

I think you should look at this and analyze why you need Bob in your life.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum!!

Tonymblue

Tough call. You know that many alcoholics will never kick the habit. You need to put you and yours first. Good luck