Smiley1

So, haven't posted in awhile, but definitely been lurking. Brief recap. My AH hasn't been staying in the family home since February when I said enough is enough, get help or get out. He got out. My boundary was 6 mo sober and we will talk. So far longest he has made it is 45 days. Says that AA is not for him, so decided to go to a counselor, which he has been doing for a couple of months. At first he tells me that counselor says "he's not an alcoholic" oh ok.....hmm same man that leaves work and goes to a casino and drinks during the middle of the day? Or can go a week or two without a drink, but then binge drinks enough that no one hears from him for a few days....good to know. I guess the roller coaster the kids and I live on is just imaginary.

Back up a little bit further....we live in Nevada. He spends time at a casino, just "gambling for fun..." Well I am sorry I have an issue with that as well. We separated our $$ a long time ago when he majorly overdraw the bank account on a gambling drinking spree. I've tried to explain that perhaps there is a connection between the two, but of course the latest is he doesn't have a problem with that either.... Just needs to find a more constructive hobby. What?!?!

Yesterday, he same by the house again. Kids and I have been doing so well, maintaining our peace and serenity and within minutes, everyone is mad and irritated. Him, because I know he went to the casino, but apparently I'm being passive aggressive toward him and trying to make him "confess". Not quite how I remember it....me, because his counselor told him that "taking a break from the marriage might be good since your wife needs to miss you for awhile and since she is being uncooperative in trying to resolve your differences.". After he leaves oldest son, 20+, comes to me and says "he's never going to get it". He's right.

I've had divorce paperwork for awhile, guess I just need to do it. Yesterday I was mad that the counselor blamed me, but after reflection last night I realized that AH probably isn't being entirely honest with counselor since he has everyone else in his life snowed as well and/or AH is being selective in his listening.

It is what it is. Working on getting my zen back this morning. Sometimes it helps to hear what others are going through so you don't feel so crazy.

lillamy

I think you're right, that the operative phrase here is "he tells me that"...

My ex told me that his counselor said he wasn't an alcoholic; he simply needed to drink because I was such a difficult person to be married to. (What he couldn't explain was why he wanted to stay married to such a difficult person, or why he had to continue drinking after I divorced him...)

I've heard it's not uncommon to exchange one addiction for another, if you don't address the root of the addiction. I think that's why "sobriety" is different than "recovery"... I have a friend who, after gastric bypass, became an alcoholic. Went to rehab, stopped drinking, became a shopoholic. Still fighting that addiction, despite having lost her house and filed for personal bankruptcy...

Addiction sucks. It's horrible. And all you can do is take care of you. And the kids. (((hugs)))

Refiner

First of all, I am SO sorry for what you're going through. That is SO MADDENING! Secondly... what I quoted you above... you got that right. My A and NPD sister has gone to this one counselor paying thousands over the years because he tells her what she wants to hear. Happens all the time.

Santa

The term used to be "addictive personality" -- I don't know whether that is still in vogue. But yes absolutely...addictions tend to go hand in hand. When my ex was trying to white knuckle his way through alcohol withdrawl, he started smoking again (10+ years after quitting a pack-a-day habit).

schnappi99

Theres no reason to assume he's being completely honest w/ the shrink in any case. My friend (coming up on 1 year sober) regularly lied to his shrink & doctors about his drinking... mostly by careful omission.. so he was on all sorts of antidepressants and other nonsense. Once he was in rehab and in recovery suddenly all the crazy health mental illness stuff got a lot better.

Tansy

When my xah isn't drinking he's smoking his brains out. Often he does both. He only doesn't drink if he has sleeping pills and not always then either. Sometimes he drinks and has sleeping pills. He's been acting all pious lately cos he's moving out and saying he not drinking anymore. Yeah right! He's "just" having the sleeping pills. Last weekend we had 2 bottles of wine in the wine rack. I had a couple of small glasses, he refused any saying he was on the sleeping pills and I went to bed. When got up the next day he'd drank the rest of the first bottle and most of the second one by himself after making out he wasn't drinking. He'd put the second bottle back in the rack to make it look like it was still full. I just thought why? I know you lie. You are moving out in a week just stop with the bs. It's always something with him tho, nicotine, drugs, booze....or all 3. He can't help himself.

SoloMio

My AH used to claim, when my son would talk about going to Atlantic City, "No, I don't like Atlantic City--gambling is the only addiction I don't have!" and then everyone laughs.

So here's his routine: Swing by the liquor store at 10am and get a pint of vodka. Then go to the convenience store and buy a pack of little cigars and a few lottery tickets and then sit in the car for an hour drinking, smoking, and gambling.

His other "addiction" is spending every last dime he has, but that's another story.

And then there's my one addiction: him. Oh, and coffee. We all have addictions to break, I guess.

I also identified with the clueless counselor--he's had two of those. One told him that I was controlling him by telling him he couldn't have wine with his steak. a) I never said that because he was sober at the time and his drinking was the last thing on my mind--so he was really just trying to get "permission" from someone to relapse. b) He hates wine. c) the counselor was actually a "guru" with NO background in alcohol abuse.

Then he wooed our marriage counselor by bringing her flowers every week. She was also very frustrating because she also could not see past the manipulation.

Just because you get a counselor doesn't mean you get a good counselor, unfortunately.

Smiley1

Thank you all for validating what I know inside. Even though I've been in al anon for awhile, it's incredible how fast you can get sucked back into the drama