HHTexas

Long story short... Found AH has subscribed to multiple dating sites. He's currently not drinking (after multiple inpt treatments) and is a great dad to our 9 month old. I thought things were pretty good with us- he's affectionate, helps around the house, a good provider, etc. and now this. We've been together 13 years. I don't know if it's moved offline but I'm sure it will eventually. We just bought a house, I don't want to split but it's ridiculous for him to carry on and think that's ok!!! Has anyone been through this? My parents divorced when I was 7 and I desperately want to give my child married parents. And I can't imagine splitting custody and being apart from the baby

FeelingGreat

Hi HH, I'm so sorry about this. As you sincerely want to keep your marriage intact there's almost no alternative but to talk with him.

Marriage counselling would at least allow you to give it your best shot; it sounds like you both have a lot of incentive to stay together. Would be agree to go?

Hope you can work through this.

dandylion

HHTexas....please understand that "married parents" is not always synonmyous with "happy parents" or "healthy parents".

I can imagine how upsetting this must be to you. Probably pulls the rug out from under your "world".

If he is on dating sites....this is a reality...and, regardless of the ideals that you hold dear, to bury your head in the sand will not change reality.

I would advise you to get all the help and support for yourself that you can muster to help you through this.

dandylion

SparkleKitty

If your marriage is to thrive, you must share the goal of a happy marriage with your husband and you must both work towards that goal together. One person working their tail off to keep it together makes for two very unhappy people.

My parents were married and miserable. I would have vastly preferred at least one parent to model what it was to be happy and healthy, even if that meant not being married to each other anymore.

biminiblue

My parents also divorced when I was seven. If that really affected you, you're going to have to work through that.

No other way to deal with this than to confront it and force a change. Please get some support for yourself, preferably counseling with a therapist or clergy.

HHTexas

Thanks for all the kind words. To those that have been here, and left, how long does the pain last? So scary to think about such a huge change.

aasharon90

Recovery teaches us about Honesty along
with Willingness and Openmindedness to
achieve a healthy, happy, honest life.

If he went thru rehab or treatment for
his addiction then he must have heard
about incorperating honesty in all his
affairs.

Some lessons in recovery take awhile to
learn once they are taught ways to achieve
it. Longer for others.

I don't know how many times my hands
got burned so to speak because I kept
touching the hot burner failing to learn
some of those tough lessons taught to me.

Eventually, when I had had enough and
finally realized that touching the hot burner
kept burning my hand, I wised up and became
completely honest in all my affairs. All to
the best of my ability.

Once that happened then another window
was opened to a new FREEDOM I had never
experienced before. Today, I hold that new
FREEDOM of honesty close to me as another
awesome gift learned in recovery.

soberjuly

I went through infidelity with my first husband. 8 years of marriage. He always swore to change, and I think he did stop for a bit here and there, like after our son was born. He was on those sites, I found emails between him and other women. He told other women we were separated but he was allowing me to still live in the same house for the sake of the children and all sorts of lies.

He has since had lots of girlfriends. Girlfriends who have emailed me in desperation over him cheating on them.

I know this is not what you want to hear but I'm just being honest here. I kept staying for the sake of the children. I kept trying to make it work. The signs were there before I ever married him so in a way it was also my fault. I shouldn't have married him but I am so happy with the kids.

You have a 9-month old? See, that is when you need lots of support from him. You shouldn't have to worry about him sneaking around and cheating on you.

My only advice is, if you feel it's time to leave then leave and don't wait until your 9-month old is 9 years old.

I should have left my husband a lot sooner than I did.

You can try marriage counseling. We did two different times. The therapist said my husband had very sexist views of women.

Now matter what happens, you have a beautiful child, just remember that.

My husband gave me full custody. He sees the kids every other weekend. He originally said he would give me custody if I never pursued child support which is actually illegal, child support is not something you can agree that the other parent doesn't have to pay.

I don't know if joint physical custody is the norm in Texas? I assume from your user name you are from Texas. I am from California and joint legal custody is the norm, but not physical custody. It is what is in the best interest of the child.

There's just no way my husband could drop the kids at school, pick them up, take them to after school activities.

Once custody is set, it takes a change in MY circumstances for custody to change. Like, for example, if I got a DUI, that would be a change in my circumstances. Other than that, it is very hard to change.

dandylion

HHTexas.....this has been going on for several years. Your suffering has been ongoing.

Leaving an toxic relationship....especially with addictions present means, basically: short-term pain (normal grieving process) for long-term gain.
Initial grief is short, but the pain of living with an alcoholic (and cheat) never stops and gets worse over time.

There is just no way to sugar coat this.

As a member of alanon...you know that you are responsible of your own happiness.
Never leave your own happiness in the hands of someone who places no value on it.

dandylion

Tansy

I hope you find the courage to leave. I stayed 18 years for the sake of our two sons and bitterly regret it now. It has been a nightmare. Infidelity was the deal breaker, not the alcohol abuse in the end but the pain of life with him was getting worse year on year. I feel hopeful now for the first time in years. Yes it's hard but it' my hard and I own it and he can't touch me anymore.

LvWrAM123

Is he actively involved in any type of recovery program? It is not uncommon for someone who has stopped drinking (but not actively in "recovery" and "working" a program) to develop a cross addiction/seek out a substitute for drinking. The dopamine rush he may be getting from sneaking around on these dating sites or engaging in correspondance (whether just online or moving to offline) can be akin to feeding that addiction in the way alcohol used to.

It definately requires you to address this with him and sort through a treatment plan for this if you have any hopes of getting through this together. It is like a relapse-just deleting the accounts and saying sorry wouldnt come close to cutting it, in my book. If he gets help and treatment and you get help as well, it is possible to make it through this together, but it will take both of you being willing to do the hard work, and just like with any addiction, you will be stuck living with the "what if this happens again". In my experience, the pain will take some time to ease. Watching a loved one choose the bottle over you is devastating enough, but when their indisgression is sexual in nature, it hurts in a different, more personal way.

Alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, whatever-they can all go part and parcel with the nature of addiction, but a good and ongoing recovery program will be at the heart of solving any one of them. What is his response to you discovering all of this? What is he wanting to and willing to do about it? How do you feel about that? No matter what he does or doesn't do, how can you take care of yourself?

You definately deserve to be with someone who is healthy and respects you and your marriage. It is POSSIBLE that the 2 of you could recover from this and come out stronger, but it will take a lot of committment and hard work from both of you. It is also POSSIBLE that you would be better off to focus your time and energies on yourself, your self-respect, and your baby, and let him free to work on himself. If you decide to try to work through things with him be sure you are clear about what you need from him to be okay with working on the relationship and what your boundaries are for yourself.

I'm sorry this is happening to you-the pain associated with these kinds of discoveries is heart shattering, but one way or another, you will get through it and you will heal from it. Take care-

HealingWillCome

Infidelity is a bitter pill to swallow. Trust is forever affected. You will have much to work through as a couple if your marriage is to grow and heal. Attention from other women can be just as addicting as alcohol and just as damaging to a relationship. It also affects children. I'm terribly sorry you've found yourself in this situation. I was the wife of a cheating, alcoholic spouse and I know the pain that follows. I wish you strength for healthy choices for you and your child.

Grumble

For me, infidelity was a deal breaker. Things had already got pretty bad by the time I caught my exAW with her lover, but it really was the kick in the nuts I needed to wake up to the futility of trying to make a marriage work where only one of us had an interest in anything other than booze and themselves.

I did take her back in time, but once they have been unfaithful, it never is the same. If I was you, I would get yourself and your kids out of the situation and deal with the access/visitation issues that you will inevitably have as a matter of urgency

redatlanta

I am so sorry this has happened.

I would rather deal with a drunk than a cheater. A drunk can't give me STD's that can kill me or stay with me forever.

i might be able to forgive it, but I would never forget it. I would have to exit the relationship I wouldn't even bother to try - Staying I would spend the rest of our lives together always feeling that I had to check up on him lest I be a fool. No way to live.

hopeful4

I too am sorry. No one can tell you how long the pain lasts as it is individual with each person. What I can tell you is that you move through stages, similar to grief. The benefit of that is that you do move through those stages and then the hardest parts are past. If you stay and do nothing, nothing changes and the horrible stays too. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Only you know your own life and relationship, and what will happen in the future.

I am sorry for what you are going through. Hugs.

jmartin

So sorry, HH. I had a fidelity issue with my AW, who said she did it because she was needing affection and wasn't getting it at home. And this was because of whose behavior?

I told her I wasn't getting much in the way of affection, either, but it's not like even registers with her, all she can see is her own suffering.

It is amazing to me that she seems to feel that she can behave badly, not take any responsibility for it, and still expect forgiveness because she is "trying".