Mabel4

So I fell off the wagon, again, tonight. I hate that it makes me like all these other posts that start out asking for help, blah, blah, blah, and than no one keeping their promises. I guess that is me too. I hate that I am not "special."

I am so used to going to the liquor store, I just do it, like clockwork. Keep in mind that out of three weeks of being sober, I drink 1/3 of the time. Does that make me "better?" I don't know.

I just felt like I had to go there. I don't know what else to do in the evening, many times, when I get off my computer except get out of the house and go "somewhere." "Somewhere" is always the liquor store. Where else is there?

I work from home half the week, have no real friends and feel very much alone. And before you all start telling me it is because I drink, it isn't true. I was very much sober, for 7 years, and still didn't have any real friends.

I would love someone to talk to. I would love a man in my life who loved me, that I shared my life with, I have never been married. I have a hard time connecting with people. I always feel left out, not good enough and like an outsider, drunk or sober. Always.

I hate that I gave into my addiction, yet the only way I seem to be able to stay sober is if I "have enough to do." That is always it. Keep busy, work, work, work, yet I have no real social connections. My mother, maybe, who I talk to on the phone almost every night, but no man, no friends, just me an my pets.

I don't want to excuse my actions. I failed. Yet my failure always leads me to the same place. A lack of social ability, maybe, too high of expectations, not being satisfied with what life has given me, and always alone. If I had some friends, I think this would be a lot easier.

least

I know one way you could make some sober friends and help your sobriety. Go to AA meetings. I would also suggest that you consider counseling. I see a counselor and it helps a lot, in all areas of my life. Give it a try. You've got nothing to lose but your misery.

Dee74

Hi Mabel

the tough part about wanting change is we need to make change.
If we want different outcomes we need to make different decisions.

If we want that partner or those friends, I think we need to accept our current drinking life is not conducive to that.

We need to stop the drinking and 'fix' ourselves and our life is we want the kinds of things we know we deserve,

It's not an instant gratification - it's a leap of faith...if we do x we will get y...but it worked that way for me, and I suspect for a lot of other people too.

I did a lot of volunteer work - it filled up my day, got me mixing with others again, and got me out of my own head. Doing good helped me feel good too.

next time you feel the urge try and think in the longer term, not the immediate - what is it you want? who do you want to be? what will it take for you to get there?

and use us for support - before you crack - we love to help

D

biminiblue

I have a book here called "The Friendship Factor." I'm certain there are a lot of books that address this.

I'm not that great at making friends, either. I am an only child and I am used to being alone.

I find that if I want to have a friend, I have to make that happen. I have to make plans and I have to call them and maintain contact. It's difficult. One person at a time, I'm trying to build my team.

I hope you'll try along with me. Put down the bottle - it just magnifies the bad.

Mabel4

I don't really want to least. I don't want to pay for someone to love me. Seems f*cked up.

Dee74

Counselling is not about paying someone to love you, or even like you, Mabel.
It's like seeing a Dr.

A good one might get you starting to love yourself tho

D

Mabel4

Sigh. But I Did Dee. I was sober for 7 years and things didn't really change. I didn't get any more friends, no more visits, no calls, I went to AA. I was still alone. Still am. I don't think it mattered either way. So this weird, great, lovely, magical solution of being sober didn't solve it all. Really, if I want to be honest, is it brought my expectations up from others and left me flat.

I couldn't be more honest about that. The more sober I was, the more I expected from others. The more I thought things would be better.

Trouble1234

I am so sorry you are feeling this way!! I hope things get better for you soon. I know how it is to stay busy but there are many things you can do. Have you thought about volunteering? You will help people and meet people while doing so. I am looking into doing that soon. I have never gone to AA but everyone on here has recommended it.

I am also here if you need to chat , I am great at listening and like to chat as well!!
Send me a PM !

Dee74

are you prepared to consider that there might be other experiences of sobriety tho, Mabel?

Nothing much in my life changed when I got sober except I got sober.

I eventually realised I had a whole boatload of underlying issues to deal with if I wanted to be happy as well.

I've likened my sobriety before to the tide going out, leaving great mounds of driftwood dotting the beach.

Until I tackled that driftwood I couldn't start to heal the void in my I'd tried to fill with alcohol.

When I did heal that void, I started to love myself a little more. When I did, other people started loving me a bit more too

I have a great life sober now. I refuse to believe that's beyond you too, Mabel

D

Mabel4

I don't know. It felt like me standing as a pillar of sobriety in those 7 years, just flat because life was still the same. Yes, I met people in AA, still felt like someone who was on an island. Still do. Drunk or sober, I always do.

Mabel4

TY Dee. I don't know, it isn't that I don't love myself. I think I don't treat people poorly, I don't actually hate who I am. I am a "stand up girl," always. I just do not know how to make myself special enough for them to care about me. And when sober? If I am not working so hard to make them care, I feel like I have no purpose in life. And me alone feels, well, lonely. And you can't live your whole life alone, but I wonder why I am never enough for the people I seek. I guess that's it.

Nuudawn

Sobriety doesn't eject you out of your own closet...you have to do that. You told Least you didn't want to pay anyone to love you. Is that in reference to counselling? In counselling, you pay someone to teach you how to love (aka accept) yourself. You pay prostitutes to love you...not therapists.

Without alcohol, we need to learn how to make real world connections. We have to stretch ourselves a little...we have to open and blossom a little.

You can sit alone in the corner of your life drunk or sober. Happiness requires being connected with others. Do you want that?

Mabel4

Yes, I do Nuudawn. Maybe a therapist doesn't love me, but you are still paying someone to "hear" you. Am I that pathetic? That I need to spend money (which I don't really have) to pay someone to hear what I think, how I feel, how I care? Seems sad that there is not enough love in this world, amongst all of us, that we have to do that. Very sad, really.

Can they help me? Maybe, to some extent I guess. But keep in mind, they are people too.

Dee74

Thats just it tho.

You don't need to work hard to make people care or make yourself special.

If being you is not enough, then either you do have some self esteem issues after all, or you're just not hanging with the right people

D

Nuudawn

Therapy was the best freaking thing I ever did. Therapy takes guts in my eyes. You are exposing yourself to another human. And the more you get to know them...if you like and respect them? You still gotta tell them all the areshole things you keep doing when only last week you were all...ya I will never do that again. I am sooooo over that sh*t.

A good therapist always guides you right back to you...not to your mean mommy or your loser boyfriend or your jackazz boss...

A good therapist says...ya, and what are YOU going to do about it? Therapy is essentially about finally having a conversation with yourself.

Waterfalls2014

Hi Mabel4, wow it's like we are twins. I too have the same introverted personality. The thought of paying someone to "spend time with me" makes me cringe.

I very recently was rejected by a guy who I spent no less then 10 hours a day talking to in text and IM for over a year every day. He knows everything about me. It hurt.

But when I think about it, who can blame him. I'm a complete mess. He knows I am.

Maybe a fresh start is what you need. If you get a few days sober, get that nice smile and I feel good attitude again and go out I bet you can meet people. Being sober is about new beginnings. Don't give up. Your worth a place on this earth and your worth loving. It begins at home.

least

I see my counselor regularly and I am not 'pathetic' because of it. On the contrary, I am much stronger and more together than I was when I was still drinking and trying sobriety in short bursts. I am more confident and happy. I don't 'need' people to fulfill me, but I do very well with people when I am with them.

You sound so beaten down. You just keep repeating "that's just the way it is, and has always been". ONLY IF YOU LET IT BE THAT WAY!!!

I used to feel hopeless too. Thought nothing would ever get better. I saw a shrink and started taking an antidepressant and it made quite a difference. I don't feel hopeless anymore. I have good days and bad, but I don't feel hopeless.

Give a counselor a chance to help you. People who do that like helping people. It's why they went into that business.

anchorhold

Hi Mabel - I have the opposite problem - too many friends and all of them drink. A lot.

I wish I could feel comfortable going to AA meetings but we live in such a small mountain town, I'd be embarrassed to meet people I know there. Anyway, I must find new friends who don't drink. Not sure how, but if I do, I'll let you know how I found them :-)
>AH

KAD

I grabbed this quote because I have said the exact same thing before. I've told a few of my therapists that I have to pay them to listen to me when they otherwise would not be, and that I think that sucks. While there is truth in that, it is only half true. As it has been pointed out, therapists are like medical doctors. They just focus on your psychology. In the same way we can't get medical doctors to treat us for free, we can't get psychotherapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, etc. to treat us for free either. They aren't just there to listen to us, but to "treat" us, and hopefully help us fix at least some of the issues for which we're seeking their help.

I understand where you're coming from because I've been there.

Illuminate

In regards to where you would go when you just don't know where you SHOULD go, I'd say don't think that you need a destination. Honestly, when I can't think of anything I can do to get my mind off drinking or any other destructive thoughts, I just get in my car and drive. Not to any place in particular...I just stop being somewhere. When you're driving, you're nowhere, really, and sometimes that's exactly where you need to be.